Why does he do this?

[Sausageroll123]

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

@Rosielily We went away last week, came home yesterday. I noticed the photos on Sunday and messaged him whilst I was still away, and that's when the silent treatment started. We'd been talking like normal the whole time I was away before that. My daughter messaged him when we got home yesterday about the holiday, as she didn't realise at that point he wasn't talking to me

@Bluntness100 I'd tell that woman that she deserves better than that

If someone went silent on me as long as he does, I would genuinely take it to mean the relationship was over. Are you sure he hasn't just been trying to dump you? It might be better if you stopped talking about yourself as his girlfriend. Maybe your daughter understands that and is glad you have pulled the plug on the media.

@woollyheart The few times this has happened he's been talking to me again within a few days. Although that's been with me constantly in touch with him. What kind of person books a holiday (booked last week) if he wanted to split up with them?

Oh man! @Sausageroll123 - why did you email him??He clearly does not give a toss about your feelings. Do you feel obliged to be "nice" all the time? Your title says "why does he do this?" I mean this with kindness but it's because you let him. Come on sausage. Stand up for your self and let your daughter see you doing so.

Because he's a bastard. Hth.

He does it to stay in control

Op did you read rhe article I linked to? The good therapy one? Do you recognise the behaviour you're both displaying in it?

Sausageroll, he treated you with UTTER CONTEMPT, laughing at you inside his mummy’s house while you begged on the doorstep for 30 minutes—-and then you actually sent him a ‘good luck’ message?

In his eyes, you have once again followed your pattern of reaching out after he has spit on you.

Why do you want to be with a man who enjoys diminishing you? Wake up and walk away!

@Bluntness100 I've literally just got home from work so will sit down later once the kids are sorted and read all the links I've been sent

OP, I'm sorry you're getting such a pasting from those who claim to want to support you.

Those of you having a go at the OP, I suggest you check your own abusive behaviour. She understandably has self esteem issues and your bossiness and mockery are not likely to help with that. Some people need time and are not able to jump up and LTB in the second it takes some of you to snap your fingers.

OP, I hope you find the strength and clarity to do what's right for your daughter and you at a time that's right for you. Some of us sure are rooting for you.

I do wonder if you're taking this thread seriously, OP. You end every other post with the emoji, and it feels like you're waiting for him to resume things.

@Roussillon849 Thank you so much Yes I do have self esteem issues. I'm coming to the realisation that his behaviour may be abusive, that I've potentially just split up with my boyfriend, and the be quite honest I'm devastated. Not all of us can just simply be ok then, clicked my fingers and now I've forgotten about him. I don't understand people having pop

This is really controlling behaviour to make you see that its not worth saying you’re upset about something. Easier to keep quiet. He wants you in future not to raise things so he punishes you with silent treatment and empty threats. In time you wont bother. Only you know whether you want this type of relationship..

I suspect you might failing to deliver the requisite entertainment, sausageroll, by not providing juicier updates.

FWIW I don't think this man is good for you or is going to bring you what you want. His behaviour at the moment is beyond appalling. If you can find the strength to end it it will be better for you. Give yourself permission to go ahead and mourn the death of the dreams you had built of a happy life with him. I think that seems to be a big stumbling block for you right now.

It is weird about the holiday. True!

If your self esteem is this low, you need to work on it before trying to partner with anyone, let alone a controlling abusive person who will take advantage.

Have a good look at some of the links people have suggested.

And please try to stop contacting him.

OP, I understand that the word "abusive" has come as a massive shock to you.

But you know that this behaviour isn't nice, right? If one person is punishing the other with silence and expecting them to beg and grovel to be forgiven, and this is happening not as a one-off but several times a year, then it's not a healthy relationship.

People aren't having a pop op, they are trying to make you understand so you stop subjecting youtself to this.

There is one of rouss on every thread. Don't misunderstand it. Their aim is to attack everyone else whilst claiming to be the only one that understands, it's not about you. It's about them. Every thread. Honestly.

This post of very difficult to read. Can you really not see how abusive your "boyfriend" is?

@ineedmydinner I've never thought of him as abusive, just awkward and really stubborn sometimes. I always assumed abuse was physical, or name calling, or not letting you do things etc

Are you generally a 'people pleaser' Sausage? You say you have self esteem issues. Abusive men home in on that, they seem to have a radar for it.

Even him allowing you to pay for a Sky package for him and getting free food from you without offering to do a food shop is indicative of a taker.

OP

I am sorry for making you feel worse. I was aghast at the lengths you went to to please a man I don't consider worth pleasing. I was imagining myself doing that and I would know how I would feel afterwards.

But I think you have made great progress and I can understand you don't feel good about standing up for yourself after begging him so often and for such a long time.

I am going through something similar at the moment. And although I know I am doing the right thing by stepping away from such toxic behavior, it still hurts and my self-esteem has been hurt by all of it too. So I get how you feel. But I also know that it slowly gets better and that looking back on the times you took back control feels great a few months from now.

I still feel you are doing the right thing by not catering to his every whim anymore and I am hoping you will dump him too if he deigns to get back in touch with you at some point. Otherwise, I'd say just ghost him.

It's passive aggressive control, OP. It will only get worse. Please end it yourself.

If you have self esteem issues and he knows this, this makes his behaviour so much worse (if that was possible tbh), but it does make sense he’d ‘choose’ someone like you. Easier to manipulate and also more likely to put up with his behaviour than someone who had a better sense of self worth

No, sausage the silent treatment is a recognised form of abuse as the links will show you.