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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/06/2019 16:56

OP isn't stalking - he could easily block her from contact. She's just desperate for contact from her 'boyfriend'. She's been conditioned to contact him endlessly to jolly him out of a sulk.

Missingstreetlife · 04/06/2019 16:58

I hope your daughter was not texting him cos you fell out, or on your behalf.
This is controlling behaviour, it's what pimps do, love you up and then go cold, leaving you anxious and eager to please. Result of damaged relationships perhaps, not your problem.
He doesn't like being criticised, tough. If you want to continue you need to get the upper hand and not care so much, but first think what if you had really needed him and he didn't answer the door? This is not love.
Don't contact him, even to end it, which he will think is a ploy. Just let it go, or if you are still interested when he decides to get in touch, be very firm this is not acceptable behaviour, ok to be cross, have an argument, even be a bit sulky for a couple of hours but this withholding is not on.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2019 16:58

You didn't manage not to chase after him for even 24 hours after being ignored on his doorstep like a whipped puppy

Pitiful

Dreamer190 · 04/06/2019 16:59

Op why can't you see the woods from the trees? You need to:

A. Accept to yourself today that this relationship is over and then do the dumping. Let that be the last communication you have with this man.

B. Realise that you don't have the backbone to do A and repeat the cycle that you've been describing to everyone on this thread for a few more weeks, months, years (?) until you realise you need to do A.

DizzySue · 04/06/2019 17:00

whatever caused the argument is never spoken about again

^^ This is why he does this.

You challenge his behaviour, he punishes you for judging him with silent treatment. You scrape and beg for attention again and he finally starts speaking to you again. He is conditioning you not to challenge him or have an opinion or prioritise your own feelings.

He is not a good partner OP. Open your eyes.

BollocksToBrexit · 04/06/2019 17:04

He's not your boyfriend anymore. He's made that very clear. He's told you it's not working, he's ignored you and your daughter, and he's refused to answer his door to you. It's over, you're just too desperate to see it.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 17:05

Why was your daughter contacting him? Missing raises a good question? For th love of god you weren't using her to try to get him to speak to you were you?

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 17:11

I wasn't aware my daughter had text him, she was simply telling him something about we saw on holiday

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 17:12

I do really appreciate all the advice, but being called desperate and a stalker is fairly harsh when I'm reading what everyone thinks of his behaviour properly for the first time. He's my boyfriend, I love him, I've never even considered this was abuse, so being called things like that just makes me feel even worse to be honest

OP posts:
Bluebell878275 · 04/06/2019 17:13

You also seem to be forgetting why you were upset with him in the first place... he 'liked' an image of a semi-naked person that wasn't you. What is he, a teenager?! However secure you are in a relationship that would sting a bit. We all fancy people other than our partner but he was out of order to do that. He was a cock in the first place and you are almost wanting to apologise to him for calling him out on it - madness!

Bluebell878275 · 04/06/2019 17:14

You're not a stalker sausage that was an odd comment

Lllot5 · 04/06/2019 17:16

What’s your plan then, I know this is sudden, this realisation that he’s a prick, but what’s your plan?
Carry on as you are, being treated this way? Or end it? These are your only options I think, can’t see him changing at all, why would he?
You must see that this isn’t healthy all these posts we can’t all be wrong.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 04/06/2019 17:18

@Sausageroll123
Please give up, he's told you it's not working, he hasn't contacted you or responded to any of your attempts to contact him. He ignored you for 30 minutes while you were outside his door. And you feel in limbo because he hasn't actually said the words and broken up with you. It's over and either you accept that or you carry on with this ridiculous behaviour and make an even bigger fool of yourself.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/06/2019 17:20

So you still consider him your boyfriend and you love him. He can't love you though can he? Leaving you on his doorstep for half an hour. He loves seeing you grovel, the free food, Netflix and Sky. Be interesting to see if he contacts you once he realises his free entertainment has been cut off for him via the changed passwords.

BollocksToBrexit · 04/06/2019 17:23

It's not said to make you feel worse. It's said to make you wake up and smell the coffee. Chasing a man who treats you like this reeks of desperation. Sorry if you find it harsh, but it's true. Knocking on his door for half an hour while he sat inside and ignored you screams that you have no self respect at all. I wouldn't tolerate my bloke sulking for 5 minutes let alone days. He'd be out the door so fast his feet wouldn't touch. And we've been married for 20 years. But then he wouldn't do it because he's an adult not a 5 year old.

woollyheart · 04/06/2019 17:26

To be honest, you would be perfectly reasonable to take his 'this isn't working' as ending the relationship. And because he has ended it, you were perfectly reasonable to stop supplying him with Sky Sports and Netflix. When he gets nasty about that, remind him that he can't expect to sponge off people who aren't in a relationship with him.

Blanca87 · 04/06/2019 17:27

Ladies, step away from the car crash. Sausage is not interested in your advice, she's just wasting your time and thought process. Leave her to it.

woollyheart · 04/06/2019 17:28

And people are right. You can have power in this relationship. You have the power to end it any time. Exactly the same as he does.

But you have to be willing to exercise that power.

BitOfFun · 04/06/2019 17:30

He's my boyfriend Sad

He really isn't.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/06/2019 17:34

Blanca87 sadly, I feel you're right.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 17:34

How would you describe your behaviour then op?

Couple dating.
Man pervs on semi naked women
Woman tells him she finds it a bit upsetting he does it publicly on social media.
He tells her it's not working in response and leaves.
Refuses to communicate to her further.
She starts grovelling and begging him to talk to her and I assume apologises to him.
He continues to ignore her. All day.
She goes to his mum's house and bangs on his door for thirty mins. Begging him to talk to her.
He's inside and ignores her. Leaves her standing in his door step humiliated and rejected.
Her daughter contacts him
He ignores her too for good measure.
So after all this She reaches out again and sends him an email wishing him good luck for an interview
He continues ignoring her, ignores her email.

How would you describe the behaviour of these two people? What advice would you give if you don't like ours?

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 17:35

Can I just backtrack a bit. You say you were on holiday last week with your daughter and you have come back to this. When did this most recent episode of silent treatment begin? Was it before you went away, and has he ignored you all the time you were away, yet you still went around knocking on his door yesterday evening? Or am I misunderstanding the timeline here?

ombre123 · 04/06/2019 17:42

What an absolute dick. From reading your messages though OP I don't think you have any intention at all of doing anything about it. That's really sad as things could be so much better for you.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 17:43

@Blanca87 Thanks for calling my life a car crash, and for telling people to step away from giving me the very advice that has for the first time made me think that he maybe abusive

OP posts:
pigeonscooing · 04/06/2019 17:45

@Bluntness100

Now you've put it like that, I'm beginning to wonder...