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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
Absolutepowercorrupts · 04/06/2019 16:12

and he's not actually broken up with me so I feel in limbo really
You don't need this selfish fucker's permission to dump him. You don't have to wait for him to break up with you. Just tell him, he's right it's not working any more and you want to get out of this relationship.

Darkcloudsandsunnydays · 04/06/2019 16:14

He does this to get some peace and quiet and avoid the long lasting stress of an argument. The same reason men go fishing, cycling, jogging, down the pub, down the allotment, to the gentleman’s club, buy noise cancelling headphones, etc. etc.

blacksax · 04/06/2019 16:16

You need to get angry OP. Go on. Properly angry.

How dare the bastard treat you like this?

How dare he expect you to go grovelling back to him and 'talk him round'?

And most of all, how dare he treat your dc appallingly in order to punish you?

Go on. Get enraged. Let some fury into your life.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 16:17

I really don't know what your waiting for. As a pp said, I wouldn't leave my dog on the street for half an hour wishing to come in, never mind someone I professed to care about, and now you're expected to grovel? So he can ogle and like as many half naked girls he wishes without you commenting? Another lesson learned, he will humiliate you if you dare to step out of line?

And you give him free Netflix sky and sports?

I'm not sure you need to call women's aid, I do think you need to dump his arse immediately. If you can't then call them and tell them what you've told us he does to you. That when you dare to tell him his behaviour has upset you he ignores you, humilaiates you and even extends it to your kid.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2019 16:17

Just keep radio silence for now.
Wait for him to come to you.
If you really do want to try to make this work then you need set your boundaries out very very clearly.
YOU will NOT accept this pathetic abusive behaviour any more.
So if he can't sort out his communication then he can fuck off.
You can see now that it's all on his terms.
The more you write the clearer that becomes.
Take back control of your life.
Don't feel pathetic about being on his doorstep.
He's conditioned you to do this.
Just don't allow him that control any more.
Personally, I'd end it.

When my ExH did this to me once, I left.
Just packed up all my stuff and left (before we were married)
He didn't understand why I'd done it.
He was used to seeing this behaviour from his mother.
He came looking for me and I explained that we are adults.
We talk through differences and we compromise or we agree to disagree.
I told him next time I'd be gone for good and he knew I meant it.
He never did it again!
But he turned out to be a cheat so that's a whole other story.

pigeonscooing · 04/06/2019 16:18

Darkclouds rtft

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 16:18

He does this to get some peace and quiet and avoid the long lasting stress of an argument

Does he fuck.

paddles100 · 04/06/2019 16:19

OP you won't be the first person to not recognise the silent treatment as a form of control... As you'll have seen from the thread. Don't bear yourself up about it - learn from it and move on with your life!

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 16:32

I sent him a brief e-mail at lunchtime, simply to say good luck (as he had an important interview this afternoon). I kept it very short and just about the interview. Ignored! I just can't believe he's being so cold

OP posts:
MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 16:35

Dear, dear. You've just played straight into his hands. He has done this to you so many times in the past. You really need to get some self respect. I could understand if this was the first time.

pigeonscooing · 04/06/2019 16:35

Oh no, you didn't contact him? Jeez, after all everybody has said.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 16:36

It was just to say good luck as I know he was so nervous. And he's my boyfriend Sad But there will be no more messages after he's ignored that one

OP posts:
MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 16:37

FUCK HIM

LannieDuck · 04/06/2019 16:38

When he finally decides to start talking to you again, ask him if he's ready to apologise yet.

MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 16:39

He is probably laughing at your pathetic text. Just a few more days of torturing her and that's step 6 of my coercive control plan executed.

Next I move in and get her to pay for everything, get her pregnant so she can't go anywhere and make sure she cooks and cleans for me while Inaybthe Xbox. If she doesn't I'll ignore her and run to my mums.

Does he support his other child, how often does he see her.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/06/2019 16:40

So you’ve not text him, but you are still trying to reach out to him, just via a different method? Confused

This is the man that left you stood outside his house and refused to answer the door for 30 MINUTES!! ...

So when your daughter comes home and tells you she’s met the man she’s going to marry, you’ll be completely fine for this man to like semi naked photos of other women, who will ignore your daughter because he doesn’t like something she said, a man that will happily let her pay for food without helping, who won’t let her pick a holiday destination, who will let her stand outside his house and beg him to talk to her - you’ll happily let her do all if that? Maybe she’ll have your first grandchild with him, and you’ll happily stand by and let him ignore your GC? Because that’s what you are teaching her to do.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 16:40

@MrMagooo He doesn't want any more kids. Sees his child very regularly, and also provides financial support for them

OP posts:
Mishappening · 04/06/2019 16:42

You live separately, so the children are not dependant on him for their home.

Find someone else to spend your time with - nothing worse than a sulker - yuk!

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 16:47

God op, what are you doing.? Was last nights humilaition not enough for you? Why are you doing this? He's treating you like absolute and utter shite and you're sending him good luck emails?

Honestly this is so disturbing. I think uou actually do need to call women's aid.

Lllot5 · 04/06/2019 16:50

Oh sausage don’t contact him. Pages and pages of people trying to help you.
Just don’t contact him. I texts no emails no Facebook no instagram no carrier pigeon no smoke signals nothing. He is no good for you he doesn’t love you he is a big sulking baby.
You and your children deserve better.

justasking111 · 04/06/2019 16:52

When he finds another woman and dumps you, will you accept that or will the police have to convince you when he goes to them because he has a stalker.

You are coming across as a stalker now to be honest. It is a bit creepy.

pigeonscooing · 04/06/2019 16:53

And he's my boyfriend

Good luck.

You'll need it.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 16:54

I'm not sure it's stalking, but I'd see why you said that, but it's so so desperate and lacking in any form of self respect. It's just awful to see someone reduced to this.

TeaForTheWin · 04/06/2019 16:54

He's a jerk. As for not being able to het your head round it being abusive, lets put it this way NORMAL people don't sulk or give people the silent treatment. Not for an hour, let alone for days.

And when their partner tells them their behaviour has upset them, normal people would LISTEN and want to understand why and provided its a fair reason (which, liking some other womans naked photos certainly is) would feel bad and apologise for upsetting you and not repeat the same behaviour.

He basically just made you feel in the wrong for daring to question his shit behaviour. The 'this isn't working' was a threat. Basically 'if you call me out on my shit behaviour I'm going to dump you. And the 'silent treatment' is a punishment and also, a test to see if YOU will come running and apologise to him for daring to call him out on his shit.

Yes, other people have it worse. So what? Is that the standard you want to set. 'Oh well he doesn't hit me so I guess it could be worse'. This may be simply the start of this mans bullshit. Either way, it's bad enough on its own. You deserve better, heck, everyone deserves better.