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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
ISpeakJive · 04/06/2019 15:15

OP, I wouldn’t trust this guy as far as I could throw him. His behaviour speaks volumes. This is a guilty man! A guilty man who doesn’t want to get rumbled.
Take those blinkers off FFS! You are teaching your daughter that this behaviour is ok. It really, really isn’t.

woollyheart · 04/06/2019 15:17

If people have 'moods' to the extent that they refuse to talk to their partner for days, that is very extreme. Some people do have moods. But there is a pattern here in that these are always triggered by you saying or doing something that he doesn't like.

A good partner needs to be able to listen to what you want and need as well as making sure that they get what they want. They won't want to punish you or tell you the relationship isn't working every time there is a slight disagreement.

woollyheart · 04/06/2019 15:21

If you had insisted on going somewhere you wanted to go, would he have agreed? Or told you it wasn't working and disappeared for days?

You cannot build a relationship with someone as unreliable as this. He will disappear every time he doesn't want to do something. Or when he wants some time with someone else.

MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 15:22

It's controlling and manipulative. He is using it to put you in your place. He is in charge, he decided when to punish you and for his long. Maybe he is not doing it deliberately, maybe this has worked for him in the past.

It's just a terrible way to treat someone and very immature, even your daughter has noticed it.

As lots of people said this could get worse, if you moved in together imagine walking around the house you live with and your partner not speaking to you for days. This is where you are heading. It's not going to get better, in fact living with you is probably going to mean gets to have his way less = more sulking.

It's not your job to fix him. Stay with him if you wish but be wary and listen to what everyone is saying.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 15:24

@woollyheart To be honest sorting the holiday out was a bit of a nightmare as it had to be somewhere he wanted to go

There's no question that he's ever cheated on me, or speaks to other women when he has these sulks. All he ever does or stay at home, I could literally go there any evening unexpectedly (he does work), and he'd be there

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 15:25

*does is stay

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/06/2019 15:26

He gets company and sex, free Netflix and Sky Sports, free food and an expensive holiday that he chose and you paid half for. He is also training you not to tell him about anything he does that upsets you, for fear of his silent treatment.

Do you see how good he has things with you? He can browse sleazy pics to his hearts content, knowing you will never dare to mention it again.

Your self esteem will soon be non existent.

HuckfromScandal · 04/06/2019 15:26

Stay strong on this op
Please stay strong

MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 15:27

Everyone has moods but a mood that goes on for days ALL BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN CAUGHT OUT is not okay in any shape or form and then punishing you for nothing.

Just keep repeating the words. He is punishing me and I haven't done anything wrong.

Everyone only found out 2/3 into the thread about him living with his mum, to packages for free and BT SPORT is not cheap and you cooking for him and him eating your food.

He's taking the piss and then he treats you like this. I am angry for you.

He sounds like a spoilt little boy - fuck him you can do better and you should know that.

MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 15:29

See it gets worse. You're not telling everything. The holiday was hard work because it had to be somewhere he had to go.

Spoilt little child.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 15:31

I'm really not meaning to drip feed, I just remember things and then think hang on, there's another example that fits in with everything else... Like the holiday. Because all these 'moods' are so spread out I kind of forget some things he has said previously

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/06/2019 15:36

I'm glad this thread is causing you look at things clearer, OP. You deserve better.

MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 15:38

@Sausageroll123 Why haven't you sent him a txt saying it's not working yet.

What are you hoping for? What do you want to happen when he gets back in touch? Or are you just going to allow yourself to be ignored for weeks before you realise he's not getting back in touch.

Are you still holding out some hope? I would be taking charge of this situation and telling him how it is from now on e.g your dumped and send him a link to this thread.

You need to take back some control and set boundaries for your next relationship.

palahvah · 04/06/2019 15:43

OP, you and your children deserve better. Well done on taking the steps you have so far. Sending a hug as this won't be easy - of course there are thing you'll miss.

I'd suggest you block his phone number. It's too tempting if you mute it or just delete the contact. Alternatively you could change the saved name to something that will remind you of his shitty he has made you feel.

The suggestion of getting some big boots to stick by the door is funny but also a great idea.

Stay strong.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 15:48

I guess I don't know what happens now. He'll still get expecting me to start the grovelling messages, and I haven't, so I'm not sure what happens now.. He'll discover the changed passwords tonight. And he's not actually broken up with me so I feel in limbo really. Although we'll both be at the same event with our kids at the weekend so will end up bumping in to each other even if I haven't heard from him before then

OP posts:
pigeonscooing · 04/06/2019 15:58

Just out of interest, why did he and his previous dp split up - what reason has he given you?

Oh, and how well do you know his mum? What sort of a relationship does he have with her?

And where is his dad?

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 16:01

@pigeonscooing it's difficult to say too much as I'd be giving things away... His ex wanted marriage, he didn't. I get on very well with his mum, as does he. His dad was a slight alcoholic, died a few years back in an accident

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2019 16:01

Is there any way you can change plans so you don't have to see him at the weekend?

And you can decide what happens next, rather than sitting around checking your phone and waiting to hear from him.

You can text him and tell him the relationship isn't working (if that's what you want to do, and I really hope you do, but only you can make that decision). Take control @Sausageroll123

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/06/2019 16:01

And he's not actually broken up with me so I feel in limbo really

With kindness, why are giving all the power to HIM?

Lllot5 · 04/06/2019 16:03

Stay strong and don’t contact him. Oh to be a fly on the wall when he settles down to watch Netflix and can’t.
Just keep telling yourself you deserve better than to be ignored if you dare to pull him up on unacceptable behaviour.

blacksax · 04/06/2019 16:03

And he's not actually broken up with me so I feel in limbo really

There's an easy way to solve that one, isn't there? There's no need to feel in limbo. You don't have to wait for him you know, because YOU can dump HIM.

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 16:04

I agree with @palahavah - I changed a name of an ex to "The Twat" - which was all the reminder I needed when he did get back in touch. He's now deleted and blocked - but I couldn't make that step immediately. My story was similar to yours - in that he gave me the silent treatment whenever he disagreed with my behaviour but treated me remarkably well the rest of the time. In the end, though, no amount of expensive meals out, bottles of champagne and expensive jewellery made up for the sulkiness. Not only did he go silent on me the way you describe but he would also get into bed before me and deliberately turn his back to me (often in my own bed in my own home!!!) when he was displeased........ literally giving me the cold shoulder. Get rid. This behaviour will only escalate.

Safirexx · 04/06/2019 16:05

And he's not actually broken up with me so I feel in limbo really

There's an easy way to solve that one, isn't there? There's no need to feel in limbo. You don't have to wait for him you know, because YOU can dump HIM.

^^

This Star

pigeonscooing · 04/06/2019 16:08

You don't need to tell us why he and his ex parted company. Just think long and hard about what he's told you, and deep down, after all that's been said on this thread...

Do you believe him any more?

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 16:10

Text him and end it op.

Just say this clearly isn't working, you don't like to be humiliated and ignored, his behaviour isn't ok and as such you wish him well but it's over.

Really go find a nice guy. Someone who doesn't abuse you, want it all his own way, will listen and amend his behaviour when it upsets you and not punish your kid when he's punishing you.

And then tell your daughter it's over and to never take this shit from a man ever.