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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 04/06/2019 14:03

I'm not sure what happens now as I've always text him until he starts talking again

DO NOT DO THIS. If you don't know his number off by heart that's great - write down the last 3 digits on a piece of paper (so that you know it's him, if he calls or texts) and then DELETE HIS NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE.

Huskylover1 · 04/06/2019 14:07

Aw, I can just imagine him trying to tune in to Black Mirror or a footy match, in his little crusty pants...only to find that he can't watch anything. Aw, shame. Maybe one of his Instagram ladies will provide him with free Netflix and Sky Sports? And three free square meals a week plus snacks.

justasking111 · 04/06/2019 14:08

He is going to be very puzzled when netflix and sky do not work. Wonder how long before he is banging on your door.

Bluebell878275 · 04/06/2019 14:09

Sausageroll123 I think you may be seeing 'real abuse' as physical which is making you feel that Women's Aid is too extreme. Abuse also covers the mental side of things which for us on the outside can see very clearly.

He has upset you, yet he is sulking like a child and ignoring you for days We all have our wobbles, as you put it, but this is really nasty behaviour. At best he's not a very nice person, at worst he's an abuser. You're falling over yourself to get him to talk to you because you love him but have you taken a step back to wonder why someone who claims to love you too is actually capable of doing this?? Ignoring for an afternoon, fair enough, but to do it to your child as well? Immature and nasty - what a turn-off!

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 14:15

I can imagine he will try to watch Netflix tomorrow, and realise I've changed the password, but will still not get in touch as I am not doing my usual begging behaviour (apart from last night). Am still feeling slightly humiliated that I was on his door step for half an hour last night whilst he was inside

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2019 14:21

Am still feeling slightly humiliated that I was on his door step for half an hour last night whilst he was inside

Fucking hell, he let you stand there, outside his house and IGNORED YOU?

Fuck that. He's horrible.

Get rid.

OneFootintheRave · 04/06/2019 14:22

Well done for changing those passwords. You have taken a big step in standing up to a sulky, immature manipulator.

Maybe he will decide to speak once he notices your newfound strength. If he does and you can be arsed to listen then insist on talking this behaviour through like adults. If he clams up then tell him goodbye Smile

Jaffacakebeast · 04/06/2019 14:24

As if you’ve let a man you’re seeing use your daughter like that, to ignore her to punish you is a massive red flag. And you justifying his behaviour to her. What planet are you on. What example do you think you’re setting your daughter for her future relationships.

MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 14:27

Use that humiliation Luke to see the dark side of your twatyish boyfriend.

thenightsky · 04/06/2019 14:27

Yes have changed the Netflix password (no he doesn't contribute). I've also just changed my Sky password as he can access that from his too. And cancelled BT Sport, which I got for him last year

This has made me smile! Grin

Bluebell878275 · 04/06/2019 14:28

He's the one that should feel ashamed of his behaviour. You shouldn't have to beg anyone to be with you. To know that someone you purport to love is literally outside your door and you are able to ignore them like that.... nah - there's something wrong inside him. Sorry sausage it's hard to accept that a person might not have the feelings that you thought they had for you.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 14:28

Op sorry but I don't think he cares all that much.

He's less invested and committed than you.

You're the one keeping it going.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 14:31

You're convenient, you give more than him.

You provide meals for him 3 times a week. You say the brings the odd snack or something for the kids.

You were providing media entertainment.

You provide company and sex when he wants it.

How was the holiday to be paid for?

He lives at home with his mum.
He's a bit of a leech.

R4ch4el · 04/06/2019 14:35

Love that you changed all the passwords. A small but important first step in regaining control. I’ll be following this thread to keep cheering you on as you continue to stick up for yourself!

Absolutepowercorrupts · 04/06/2019 14:42

It's great that you've changed the passwords, well done you. It's a small step in the right direction. Keep going on stepping away from him. If you can block his number or delete it then that's another step.

BollocksToBrexit · 04/06/2019 14:43

When I saw people going on about how you teach your kids about 'normal' relationships by what you accept in yours, I was always a bit unconvinced. I have an adult DD and she has her own mind and personality and I couldn't imagine she'd paid a blind bit of notice to what I was up to.

But then she split up with her fiance because he didn't treat her right. He always told her that he treated her well and any issues were because she was needy or crazy or immature etc. But she later told me that when he tried to convince her she was wrong about a situation she'd always ask herself whether her dad would be like that with me. The answer was always no he wouldn't, and that's how she knew her fiance was not a keeper.

It opened my eyes to how much our kids use our relationships as their benchmark in theirs.

Pearlfish · 04/06/2019 14:49

Well done OP for changing the passwords! Your DD rocks!

This is the first step to taking back control and showing him that he can’t treat you like this. Next step is getting him to contribute financially to all the food he eats at yours. And telling him that you are not interested in a relationship with a pathetic loser who sulks if you say something he doesn’t like.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 14:50

I do think he'll be wondering why I haven't text him today. Not sure what he'll do when he realises all passwords have changed. I just feel so shit. Not seen him for a week cos of my holiday, all I wanted was a cuddle (he did too) and now this!!

OP posts:
humblebumblebees · 04/06/2019 14:52

I'm following your situation, OP and rooting for you. Please don't contact him again. When (or if) he gets back in touch just say, 'You were right, it isn't working', and put the phone down.

woollyheart · 04/06/2019 15:03

From what you have said, he won't tolerate you disagreeing with him or telling him not to do something. As long as you go along with what he wants, everything is lovely. As soon as you object to something or don't go with his choices, he punishes you by extreme sulking, or a mini sulk (closing his eyes).

You know he can behave well because he chooses to do so a lot of the time. When he has had enough of you or wants to do something different, he chooses to annoy you so he can have a good 'sulk'. He feels secure because he tells you it's not working, and you try harder.

He was doing quite well out of this - food for part of the week, access to all your paid media and even Sky Sport all to himself.
Has he contributed anything similar that you will miss? Probably not! Except his sunny self when it suits him to be with you.

StoneColdOld · 04/06/2019 15:05

What you say, BollocksToBrexit is so, so true.
I'm in my sixties, but I did the same as your DD; kicked a couple of lads into touch because I'd asked myself that question - "would dad be like this with mum ?".
And it seems the same is true of my own DD who has told me she always asked herself that question too.

StoneColdOld · 04/06/2019 15:08

Sausageroll123
If you have any doubt, listen to your daughter - even she is telling you that his behaviour is wrong and to stand up to him.

Uzicorn · 04/06/2019 15:10

OP, I am married to someone who gives me silent treatment. In the first year or so, I would be like you, trying to make him to talk to me again, and eventually he would deign to do so. I eventually stopped this and now I ignore him right back. We sometimes don't speak for a month. When he did talk to me, I would respond as I normally would and things would go back to 'normal' for a while. I did this because I wanted to show him that you shouldn't ignore someone when you are in a relationship.

But it hasn't helped. He still gives me silent treatment and he now sees my unwillingness to make him talk to me as me not caring. I have now caught him on dating websites. He is not sorry, his excuse is that I don't care about him. After 4 years of this, I am finally done and I've made an appointment with a solicitor about divorce.

I am so angry about the years I have wasted on this man but I am determined not to waste anymore on him.

My husband is also not abusive in other ways (not physical or aggressive, or financially, or verbally) but it's taken me painfully long to realise silent treatment is abuse.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 15:10

I'm still genuinely shocked that so many people are saying this abusive, I can't quite get my head around it. It's always thought it's just moods Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 15:12

Oh and for the person who asked about the holiday - we went halves. Slightly more money than I wanted to pay but that's where he wanted to go Hmm

OP posts: