OH sleeping with another woman.

[blackcoffeeinbed]

So last year me and my OH had a break for a few weeks due to us both arguing a lot. I admit that at the time I did shut down towards him after having a miscarriage and things were strained. This from my perspective was a break, a breather from being on top of each other while we both had space to think. It never was discussed as being the end of our relationship, we still spoke daily and he was seeing our children most days. (I know it sounds very Ross and Rachel!!)

So after the 3 and a half weeks we both said that we weren't wanting to end our relationship and he came back home. We haven't argued since and definitely seem to be working off of the same page as each other compared to before so I would say that the break was successful for us. I'm very much in love with him, and I believe he does love me.

A couple of months ago, he sat going through his photos on his phone and went past one which looked like a screenshot of an email to do with a hotel booking for said place which was a considerable way away from where we live. It was amongst photos he was looking at from the time we were separated so this really got to me wondering what it was about. I questioned him and he said he went for a night out with some old friends and he'd booked a hotel to stay. Named the friends and swore he had stayed alone. He hadn't mentioned this at all at the time, as far as I knew he was at his mums.

I believed him at the time and put it to the back of my mind. A few weeks ago, he left his FB open on our laptop and when he was at work I did snoop basically with the thought of just finding something to clarify that he had been where he said he had been. I came across a msg from his ex gf he was with before we got together nearly 12 years ago... it was quite an emotional msg along the lines of how hurt she feels and how she doesn't understand why he's done what he's done and she still wants to be friends etc, she had sent it earlier this year, a long while after he had come home.

I questioned him about it and he said they had spoken and he just cut her off because he didn't want to continue speaking behind my back. Just to add while looking on his FB I found nothing to suggest he had been with these friends like he told me, no tags no pics nothing. After discovering the msg, things started to feel tense between us again we weren't arguing but there was distance. Last week the torment of it all really got to me and I msg'd this woman to ask why she had sent him that message.

She was brutally honest with me, that they had met at this hotel and had slept together. He apparently had discussed potentially having a relationship with her.

When I spoke with him about this he did admit it, he said he regretted it and it wasn't worth his time. He didn't really know why he went other than he was hurting and thought why not?! He said he instantly knew he had done the wrong thing and stopped having contact with her. With the situation at the time I don't really know if it is considered cheating or not, but either way it really hurts. I can't stop picturing him with this woman, and him touching me makes me feel sick. I'm trying to let it go but in my head it's consuming me that he has done this. I don't think I fully understand but I don't want to keep questioning him and picking at it, I don't want to drive him away so he could do it again. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, all I want is for my family to be together and for us to be happy, I want to forgive him and move on.

Anyone else been through this and forgiven there OH? Is it possible? Will the torment ever stop? I can't stop crying, I've barely eaten, my children are picking up on how emotional I am too. I thought at the time we had done the best thing for us and our family but now it feels like the worst decision I ever made.

I'm sorry OP, but I think there's more to this than either of them are telling you.

I don't agree with Picsinred. To me it does read like from what she has said and everything that you found, it was a one night thing which is regretted and she felt hurt by, hence the message she sent.
Whether or not it was cheating depends on what you had agreed at the time, if it was just time apart and breathing space then yes, it would be cheating, but if it was a 'break' or break up with the potential for getting back together, but not definitely, then I wouldn't see it as cheating and I personally would try to put it behind me.

*he not is

If you were just apart for a few weeks having a breather, and it was discussed that neither of you wanted the relationship to end, then yes - he has cheated

I think he was okay to sleep with someone else. The isssue is that he lied to you. Would you like to forgive him or do you think it's the end?

Lola it's a gf from over 12 years ago, who appears to be overly invested for a one night stand (though we know that there was also "talking" of some duration "behind the back" of the OP.

The "sense" of the situation is off.

It's not like he's accidentally run into ex in a bar 2 weeks after the break began, is it. That seems unlikely.

But there must have been a build up to going to the hotel if it was an ex girlfriend. This wasn't someone he just picked up one night when he was out. He must have got in touch with her - it's too coincidental that she would get in touch with him. My worry would be that the whole build up and aftermath meant it lasted much longer than that one night. And he seems to have treated her quite badly, too - I wouldn't like that.

I don't feel there was anymore to it myself, they've not been in anymore contact with each other. She was very bitter and said that she felt used and humiliated which tbh I totally understand, putting myself in her shoes I would too. I did say to OH that I was disgusted at him treating her the way he did. I do believe that it was an opportunity for him to probably just get his leg over, and being angry took advantage of that. I also believe he regretted it because he stopped contact with her immediately.

I'm on the fence with wether it was cheating or not, I feel betrayed but as he said if he was home with his family it wouldn't of happened. I don't want to dwell on that part, I'm more angry that he wasn't honest about it. He concocted an entire story about meeting these friends and what they done, every word of that was a lie. I think this has definitely dented my ability to trust him, I just don't want that to ruin everything we have.

So was he looking at photos on his phone and you saw the screen shot with all the hotel info or was he showing you photos of what he was up to while you were on a break?

I have said to him that it was totally planned and thought out, he knew exactly what he was going to do and could've stopped himself at anytime but didn't. She said they had been speaking for a week before arranging to meet up the following weekend. He came home a week and 4 days later.

He didn't let the grass grow did he, you only split for a few weeks and he managed to hook up with his ex and sleep with her, then lied about it. It's great that you're both in a better place now but I would be mad and upset too especially after what you have been through.

We were in a break.

... ^ I think you referenced this OP.

Let it go.

She isn’t the OW.
He didn’t cheat.
There’s nothing to forgive.

I totally get how you feel. It’s not nice to imagine the man you love sleeping with someone other than you.

You experience basically summaries why I hate the idea of a “break”. Either your in a relationship or ur not. Simple as. You don’t get to put a relationship on hold but still expect everything the relationship offers.

Separated people can date other people.

It’s good he’s stopped messaging her and gone no-contact and should stick to this.

But essentially you are being unreasonable

In on! On a break

He was flicking through his photos trying to find a video of my son at the park to show me. We were cuddled up together on the sofa at the time so I could see what he was flicking through very clearly.

I would be trying to find out when your husband began talking to his ex gf and whether the talking coincided with the arguments which led to your relationship break.

Sometimes arguments are contrived as an excuse to turn an affair physical. I find it suspicious that there were suddenly arguments, a resulting break and the ex gf is right back on the scene.

It's wrong what he did and that he lied about it! Maybe the lines weren't clear on what kind of break you guys were having 😕 it's a question of whether u can forgive and forget. Xx

I have to take responsibility for our arguments at the time of the 'break'. We lost our daughter in 2017, and then last year I had a miscarriage and went into full meltdown mode. I took my emotional state and anger out on him, I didn't cope with it very well at all. I was distant towards him and wasn't communicating, I'd pick at him over every little thing.

How was he treating you across that post-miscarriage period and whose idea was the "break"?

Was there any childcare provision/agreement to enable you also to get out and start dating during this period or were you home with the children?

Exactly, it's the fact he's looked me in the eye and lied to me that bothers me the most. Yes it hurts and yes it makes me feel sick thinking about him doing what he has, but thinking back to him sitting here telling me this story of his big night out is worse because it was total bullshit. If he can easily lie like that and easily meet up with this woman then what else can he do?! Generally I've always trusted him, I believe he loves me and our children and wants to take care of his family. He said that I took that away and he was angry.

I was home with the children. The thought of ever talking to or meeting a guy myself never entered my mind, in my opinion we mutually took the break so I could have time to straighten my head out whilst he wasn't here having to bare the brunt of my moods. I was in the wrong for that, and instantly realised it when he left. We had told the children that Daddy would be staying with Nanny for a couple of weeks because it was easier for work and he would be home soon. So there was no discussion of it being final.

So you had a mental breakdown after a miscarriage and 2 years after the death of another child and he went back to Mum's and left you to look after the kids? By yourself? During a mental breakdown? He has done a right number on you if he's got you thinking he was moving out to do you a favour. And rather than focusing on the kids during this traumatic time, he was focused on getting his leg over.

There is a reason you are quite so upset, OP, and it's not just a betrayal of wedding vows.

Your subconscious has probably already worked out that he's a big prick and finding this out has smashed the delusion you've created for yourself to keep this marriage working. That's likely the pain you are feeling.

If you want a future together you have to both draw a line beneath this and be totally honest with each other from this very moment onwards. It's hard to get a balanced idea of the grief you were both going through and how supportive of each other you were. Do you honestly love each other and want to be together or is it circumstances that keep you together. Find your common goal and then do everything you can to achieve it. Looking back and playing the blame game won't help with this. Good luck!

A big part of me does think he's a prick for doing this yes. The other part of me looks at how he's been since he came home, he's been a lot more supportive and caring and patient. I originally thought this was because he understood my emotional state at the time but now I know this it feels like, he's done this has regretted it and has been secretly making up for it if that makes sense? Not necessarily that he understood the pain and emotions I was going through.

I do love him, and I do believe he loves me. I don't want it to ruin us and our family, it just feels unfair that I'm the one that's going to have to bury it and live with it to keep us moving forwards. I hate that he's put us in this situation, and has given me yet another slice of heartbreak to live with.

I think you should stop invading your partners privacy.

Why is it 'ok' to do this. It's such a fucking violation. There is no way I would WANT to stay with a partner who did this.

IF he can get over you doing this. Then the answer to your question. ? You were on a break. !