OH sleeping with another woman.

[blackcoffeeinbed]

So last year me and my OH had a break for a few weeks due to us both arguing a lot. I admit that at the time I did shut down towards him after having a miscarriage and things were strained. This from my perspective was a break, a breather from being on top of each other while we both had space to think. It never was discussed as being the end of our relationship, we still spoke daily and he was seeing our children most days. (I know it sounds very Ross and Rachel!!)

So after the 3 and a half weeks we both said that we weren't wanting to end our relationship and he came back home. We haven't argued since and definitely seem to be working off of the same page as each other compared to before so I would say that the break was successful for us. I'm very much in love with him, and I believe he does love me.

A couple of months ago, he sat going through his photos on his phone and went past one which looked like a screenshot of an email to do with a hotel booking for said place which was a considerable way away from where we live. It was amongst photos he was looking at from the time we were separated so this really got to me wondering what it was about. I questioned him and he said he went for a night out with some old friends and he'd booked a hotel to stay. Named the friends and swore he had stayed alone. He hadn't mentioned this at all at the time, as far as I knew he was at his mums.

I believed him at the time and put it to the back of my mind. A few weeks ago, he left his FB open on our laptop and when he was at work I did snoop basically with the thought of just finding something to clarify that he had been where he said he had been. I came across a msg from his ex gf he was with before we got together nearly 12 years ago... it was quite an emotional msg along the lines of how hurt she feels and how she doesn't understand why he's done what he's done and she still wants to be friends etc, she had sent it earlier this year, a long while after he had come home.

I questioned him about it and he said they had spoken and he just cut her off because he didn't want to continue speaking behind my back. Just to add while looking on his FB I found nothing to suggest he had been with these friends like he told me, no tags no pics nothing. After discovering the msg, things started to feel tense between us again we weren't arguing but there was distance. Last week the torment of it all really got to me and I msg'd this woman to ask why she had sent him that message.

She was brutally honest with me, that they had met at this hotel and had slept together. He apparently had discussed potentially having a relationship with her.

When I spoke with him about this he did admit it, he said he regretted it and it wasn't worth his time. He didn't really know why he went other than he was hurting and thought why not?! He said he instantly knew he had done the wrong thing and stopped having contact with her. With the situation at the time I don't really know if it is considered cheating or not, but either way it really hurts. I can't stop picturing him with this woman, and him touching me makes me feel sick. I'm trying to let it go but in my head it's consuming me that he has done this. I don't think I fully understand but I don't want to keep questioning him and picking at it, I don't want to drive him away so he could do it again. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, all I want is for my family to be together and for us to be happy, I want to forgive him and move on.

Anyone else been through this and forgiven there OH? Is it possible? Will the torment ever stop? I can't stop crying, I've barely eaten, my children are picking up on how emotional I am too. I thought at the time we had done the best thing for us and our family but now it feels like the worst decision I ever made.

Get some sleep. Good luck with your appointment. No need to feel ashamed.

I am so sorry for your loss - I too lost a child through stillbirth and the best advice given to us was that we had to make an active choice as a couple to work through the grief. So many couples split, the grief is indescribable. I also know that my subsequent pregnancies were stressful, so I wonder what you need right now?

I am not condoning your OH's behaviour, however in view of your post about his care for you at the worst of times it might be an explanation? I can't help but think that his going back to a relationship 12 years ago is almost like wanting to run away from the pain perhaps to a more carefree time. Our experience was that my fella was not at all given the same kind of care or understanding after baby loss - certainly he had to go back to work after 2- weeks.

Like I said, I'm not condoning your OHs behaviour - rather acknowledging how complex the emotions are for you both x

He said that she had heard he was at his mums and messaged to see if he was ok and It went from there
From what you've said about his mother I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she was the one who told the ex gf he was staying with her, with the full intent of breaking you & DH up.
If you believe you & DH can come through this then don't give her the satisfaction.

I hope you can get over this. I couldn’t.

There’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of going for an STI screen, they’ll have heard it all before sadly and be well used to people getting tested after infidelity.

It’s hard to understand but everyone is capable of doing both good and bad things, the man who was there when you miscarried is the same man who willingly and with a great deal of premeditation shagged another woman. It’s just that you knew about the first side of him and the second has been a complete shock. They don’t cancel each other out either. Him supporting you through the miscarriage doesn’t exonerate him from cheating and the cheating doesn’t mean his support at that time wasn’t real either.

However, your loss is so recent and so fresh, I’m afraid I’d have seen the fact that he banged this woman so soon after the loss as him very much NOT supporting you through the miscarriage, and in fact taking steps to do something that would cause the maximum damage he could inflict on you. It’s horrifying. I know you don’t feel you treated him well in the aftermath but NOTHING excuses cheating like that, nothing. I recently had a threatened miscarriage (bleeding during pregnancy) and I was completely out of character, completely different to my usual self, screaming and crying and physically pushing my OH away when he tried to comfort me and storming off wanting to be alone and having looping thoughts that I wanted to hurt myself. It shocked me to the core I responded in that way. It was horrible for him to witness and he was scared but he didn’t once waver or make it about him, only later when things were find and we could breathe a sigh of relief did he mention, in relation to a different issue, that it had been hard for him too. I’m trying to imagine him using that as an excuse to go fuck someone else and I just can’t. Yes you both dealt with loss but it’s a very different experience being the one carrying the baby inside and the one watching from a distance. It’s just not the same, and you have hormones to deal with too.

If you want to get through this I hope you can. But i couldn’t. Sometimes it’s better to go through the pain now of ending it to save yourself from future agony. Some will disagree here but sadly I think staying with someone who cheats just teaches them they can cheat and it doesn’t really affect their life beyond a few weeks of cross words and hurt feelings before it’s back to normal. He even got to go to your scan as a couple, holding hands as a united front. You can tell him you’re angry and upset until you’re blue in the face but actions are what matter and he will know you’re willing to tolerate having him in your life and bed after he’s literally had sex with someone else. Relationships rarely come back from that.

Sorry that was long.

I think what would upset me the most is that he didn’t have to do this. This wasn’t in any way necessary. He did it purely for his own sexual pleasure and orgasm. It just doesn’t fit, to do something that harms the person you claim to love and betrays them so very much for such a stupid reward. That’s how you know he’s lying about not enjoying it. Nobody takes that kind of risk for sex that is mediocre or someone they’re not incredibly attracted to. Ultimately his orgasm and his desire to get his dick wet by this lady overrode any feelings of love or respect for you and nobody can argue otherwise. You deserve better.

I think in time you will end up leaving him, you won't feel strong now but I think after a while you won't be able to forgive what he did, I know you want to but I just think you will come out stronger. I've been torn Iver this post one minute thinking it was him escaping from his grief and you were on a break but then the other side thinking how he drove that far, he made arrangements, he wasn't drunk and not knowing what he's doing he spent a night chatting and eating and it is so sad because we may all make you feel worse which is not what we want but I think he's abused the whole situation of his grief and the break and used it as an excuse to do what he did. After alot of thinking about this I don't think I could forgive in the end, if you do split up its not your fault, you didn't split your family up, he did and I think he will live with that regret forever while you will be able to rebuild your life.

I’m sorry but I had two missed miscarriages in 2017, the first one very nearly killed me and DP witnessed it all. He also witnessed me mentally breaking down and in part, taking it out on him. It was a wretched year for both of us and neither of us were very kind to each other. We did have a break towards the end of the year, it was very necessary. A break did not mean he swanned off to his ex for a one night stand! We just spent some time apart mulling over our issues and trying to come up with a resolution. Both missed each other lots, no one else even entered our minds.

Your DP was obviously grieving, as were you but that does not excuse him cheating and yes, I would class this as cheating. A break doesn’t mean breaking up to go fucking other people to me, you fully break up if that’s what you want. He has behaved despicably and I feel for his ex in part too, he used her knowing she had feelings for him still. He sounds like a total twat and I’d be leaving.

I’ve been through similar to you and you have my utter sympathy and support. I get it. I’m still grieving many years later and it’s almost ripped my marriage apart. I’ve become a different person. My advice from somebody who gets it, is to let it go. Sorry it might not be what the mumsnet massive want to hear but you have been through so much. Grief can drive people to the brink of despair, suicide even (in my case). People aren’t necessarily themselves when fuelled by grief, anger and despair. He screwed up. Massively. He obviously wants you or he wouldn’t have come back. Give you, your family, your happiness another shot. Put that fling down as a blip and resolve to keep working on your marriage and give you both the best chance. Keep seeing your counsellor. You and your OH both deserve to be happy.

Today is just going from bad to worse!!! My car broke down on my way to the clinic this morning, had to wait 3 hours for recovery. Looks like my car has pretty much had it. Have just got through the door and my phone pinged.... this woman has messaged me asking about OH's response to me confronting him, she needs closure apparently.

I'm literally shaking with stress and rage.

There was clearly a lot more going on to this then you know about :( I’m sorry OP 💜

I wish now I hadn't looked and was just ignorant to it all.

She needs closure??? Is she absolutely fucking for real?? She is messaging the wife asking what the response was as SHE needs closure?? What the actual fuck. How dare she!! What closure does she need?! She is a home wrecker not just her fault it was his aswel! Honestly you need a time out to get your thoughts together, not as in go away because who na do that as a mum but just some breathing space from any messages etc get your head together.

Exactly, i was pretty reasonable with her and sympathised last week hearing what she had to say but who the hell does she think she is!! I had a meltdown towards OH over it, I got beyond hysterical. His response was to 'just ignore her, don't let her get to you, she will be laughing knowing she's causing this'!!

My mum collected the kids from school for me and got to the house tail end of this. She could obviously see that I was not ok, and wanted to know what was going on. I haven't discussed any of this with her so far, she already has a tainted view of him after him leaving me in the state I was before so haven't wanted to make that any worse. I refused to talk in front of the children, she insisted we sit in the car and I talk to her. Long and short she refused to leave without me and the children. I agreed I needed the space given the state I was in and coming away from the situation so have packed some bits for a couple of nights and am now at hers with the children. I heard her say to OH that she was disgusted with him and as he's incapable of taking care of me she will. This was once the kids were in the car.

So I'm going to just have a breather, I have blocked this woman on my messenger. I won't lie I'm screwing that he could be speaking to her right now and I wouldn't even know. I don't know how I'm supposed to just let it go. Il most likely turn my phone off after the children are in bed and have rang him to say goodnight. They think we're just having a sleepover, at least that's what I've tried to put to them I'm sure they can see what's going on really.

Do you think you will tell your mum? It's hard because once families know they don't really forgive, like you say she already has a tainted view. The kids will be fine so don't worry about them picking up on stuff, they will think it's fun having a sleepover in their eyes.

If he even spoke to her whilst you're at your mums then you definitely have your answer on your relationship because how could he even do that?! How would he even dare, does he want to make things worse unless he told her to back off etc I think that's the only contact they'd have if they did speak so don't sit there wondering about it! Let him worry now, you're the one who has the control and power so let him sit there and panic over his future! They both really should be ashamed of themselves. It's better that you're out the house for abit so you can step back and evaluate it all without being in the house full of tension.

But yeah let him panic now and dont be such a nice good person to him and don't worry about what if he's doing this or that or what if you treating him tough will push him away or anything, sometimes you just have to not think and what will be will be and put one foot infront of the other. You will be ok either way! Xxx

Oh OP I can't believe that woman messaged you, WTAF?!!? He's obviously not been particularly clear with her if she doesn't feel she has closure on it.

I don't want to weigh in on whether you should give him another chance or not, only you can know if you can/want to and this is a complicated situation, but I do think what he did was wrong and cheating and he obviously went out of his way to do it, too, it wasn't like he was crying into his pint glass and she was just there. And his response to this latest development is a bit of a cop out, it does sound like the "she's just crazy, don't listen to her" defence. I hope you can get support and space at home, obviously a difficult one as to whether you tell your mum but it sounds like you need her right now.

Virtual hugs to you.

Tell your mum.

Oh Op, I’ve been following this thread, and how much you’ve suffered and are still suffering is dreadful. I haven’t any useful advice to give you, just let your mum look after you for a little while.
And also an unmumsnet hug ( )

You OK, OP?

I'm annoyed on your behalf that he lied to you OP and that you were apart from so little time and he slept with someone else. I would ask him how he would feel if you had slept with someone else while on a three week break and then that person messaged him for 'closure'. I suspect if the boot was on the other foot he wouldn't like it at all. Please tell your mum. Don't protect him. Hugs

How are you OP? X