OH sleeping with another woman.

[blackcoffeeinbed]

So last year me and my OH had a break for a few weeks due to us both arguing a lot. I admit that at the time I did shut down towards him after having a miscarriage and things were strained. This from my perspective was a break, a breather from being on top of each other while we both had space to think. It never was discussed as being the end of our relationship, we still spoke daily and he was seeing our children most days. (I know it sounds very Ross and Rachel!!)

So after the 3 and a half weeks we both said that we weren't wanting to end our relationship and he came back home. We haven't argued since and definitely seem to be working off of the same page as each other compared to before so I would say that the break was successful for us. I'm very much in love with him, and I believe he does love me.

A couple of months ago, he sat going through his photos on his phone and went past one which looked like a screenshot of an email to do with a hotel booking for said place which was a considerable way away from where we live. It was amongst photos he was looking at from the time we were separated so this really got to me wondering what it was about. I questioned him and he said he went for a night out with some old friends and he'd booked a hotel to stay. Named the friends and swore he had stayed alone. He hadn't mentioned this at all at the time, as far as I knew he was at his mums.

I believed him at the time and put it to the back of my mind. A few weeks ago, he left his FB open on our laptop and when he was at work I did snoop basically with the thought of just finding something to clarify that he had been where he said he had been. I came across a msg from his ex gf he was with before we got together nearly 12 years ago... it was quite an emotional msg along the lines of how hurt she feels and how she doesn't understand why he's done what he's done and she still wants to be friends etc, she had sent it earlier this year, a long while after he had come home.

I questioned him about it and he said they had spoken and he just cut her off because he didn't want to continue speaking behind my back. Just to add while looking on his FB I found nothing to suggest he had been with these friends like he told me, no tags no pics nothing. After discovering the msg, things started to feel tense between us again we weren't arguing but there was distance. Last week the torment of it all really got to me and I msg'd this woman to ask why she had sent him that message.

She was brutally honest with me, that they had met at this hotel and had slept together. He apparently had discussed potentially having a relationship with her.

When I spoke with him about this he did admit it, he said he regretted it and it wasn't worth his time. He didn't really know why he went other than he was hurting and thought why not?! He said he instantly knew he had done the wrong thing and stopped having contact with her. With the situation at the time I don't really know if it is considered cheating or not, but either way it really hurts. I can't stop picturing him with this woman, and him touching me makes me feel sick. I'm trying to let it go but in my head it's consuming me that he has done this. I don't think I fully understand but I don't want to keep questioning him and picking at it, I don't want to drive him away so he could do it again. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, all I want is for my family to be together and for us to be happy, I want to forgive him and move on.

Anyone else been through this and forgiven there OH? Is it possible? Will the torment ever stop? I can't stop crying, I've barely eaten, my children are picking up on how emotional I am too. I thought at the time we had done the best thing for us and our family but now it feels like the worst decision I ever made.

That's exactly what the break was supposed to be about for us. Just to give us a both a breather from the atmosphere we were living before it finished us a good. Time for us to think about our future. Obviously for him it was an opportunity to test the water and see if maybe he could move on. I spent the time thinking, and accepting that I had to learn to deal with my grief another way so I didn't lose him whilst taking care of my children, and reassuring them that everything was ok.

I know many women or men in this situation would walk away. But I just can't, we've battled through so much I'm not going to let this beat us now.

You said that the break from your perspective was a bit of a breather from each other to have space to think, what was the break from his perspective? I don't personally think that people in relationships that are over 10 years and have children together would mistake a break for a break up. I also don't think people in such a long relationship with kids would think it was ok to sleep with others during the break!

A huge concern here is that you said you don't want to keep picking at him and drive him away again if this is what happens, you can't live like that.

However, you both had been through a lot and it must have been a very painful time for both of you and sometimes in those cases people will seek comfort in someone else as a way of escaping that just for a short while....so I wouldn't automatically think he's an awful person either.
As for the lies, I think it would be very rare that someone would admit to that straight away, I assume most people would instantly panic that with a few words their relationship would be over after admitting it.

I think if hes been a good partner to you,and him sleeping with his ex was out of character i wold give it another go.

I'm never gonna leave my phone or laptop unlocked ever again incase somebody like the OP goes snopping through my telephone

At the time he said we were just needing a break from each other to stop the arguments and to have time to think. It was his suggestion he go to his mums. As I say he told the children he would be home soon, saw us most days, told me everyday he loved me including the day he was in the hotel with this woman! Never at any point did either of us say we no longer wanted our relationship.

It was out of character for him as far as I believe, I don't want to of gotten this far and come through what we have for it to ruin our future. We are a family, it's just down to me to have to deal with it. How he's been since the time we were apart has really shown me that he does want us and is willing to work for it, it just taints that now knowing it's probably his guilt driving that.

I'm trying to look past stupid responses like that, I don't feel I've done anything wrong and I'm not going to let people make me feel anymore shit about myself than I already do.

Don't feel shit about you op. He behaved like a dick, but you can probably get past that in time. The lies are the problem 'to protect you' no, to protect himself.
I would be making it clear that any lie is a deal breaker, because it breaks trust. If he so much as tells you he had two biscuits instead of three that will be a problem. No lies, at all.
Try relate for couple counselling and work on these issues now, before it festers. Good luck

You have done NOTHING wrong, OP.

blackcoffee Did you talk about what the break would be? I think the 'views' on what a break is and what's allowable on one vary massively, and at such a tough time, it may not have been apparent to either of you that you had very differing views on what a break is.

To me, a break has always been a sign of the end, a "soft" break up. Sort of a way to slowly disconnect, rather than a complete cut-off that feels harsh and difficult. I've never been on a break, but I know plenty of people who have and feel the same way, and would probably see being with someone else as a distraction from the relationship failing.

Your view on them is common too, that it's time away to breathe and heal and it's not a split.

They're so at odds. If you talked about it and he knew what type of break this was, what he did was probably unforgivable. If you didn't, because it didn't feel necessary at the time, it's going to be tough but he may well not have been jumping into bed with someone to test the waters, just coping with it in a different way to you.

The lying is harder, but it does sound from what you've said that he's trying to make that up to you, and as he can't take the lies back now, that's all he can really do. It's not unreasonable to ask him to stop all contact with her and be very open with you, and basically do whatever it takes to healthily help you heal over this.

All the best

We didn't state as such what the rules of the break were. I believed at the time how he was communicating with me that we were both on the same page as each other. Never was it said by either of us that we no longer wanted the relationship, things were really tense and we both needed that space to calm down I suppose, me especially as I was the one struggling the most and he did bare the brunt of that. I don't blame him at all for wanting to take a step back, I can see now that I was pretty unbearable to live with. The 'break' wasn't black or white I suppose. I certainly did not expect him to be out there meeting his ex within a fortnight to have sex in a hotel though, I myself wasn't in that place.

Perhaps if I have anything left to ask it should be that. What was his thoughts on our relationship at the time, did he believe he was single. I haven't put it to him like that as from my side I've assumed it wasn't like that. All he's said is he was angry and hurt and acted on it when it came up. He said he can't answer anymore than that. When I have referred to it as him doing this behind my back he hasn't denied that, or said we weren't together. I just fear bringing it up again will lead to me pushing him away.

Regardless of the boundaries, it hurts. I now have the knowledge that I do, and I literally can't get it out of my head. I feel like I'm obsessing over it. There's probably not much more for me to know, and tbh the more I know the worse it is. I need to just accept it's happened and not let if take over my life. Its going to take some time though. Things were really improving.

It is the lies, the memories of him looking me in the eye and feeding me bullshit is hard to deal with. I never thought he could do that, I've said that going forwards then he is never to lie to me again about anything. The slightest thing after this will always remind me of the situation and won't just seem a small lie, it will mean I can't trust him.

Stop saying you would be breaking up your family, it's not you who did this! I'm sorry but I think his behaviour was disgusting and he did not think! He was selfish and struggling with grief but so were you! He drove 140miles to do this! He also paid for a hotel and planned it all.

It was break but it wasn't a break where you could go and sleep with other people but I think he has used it as an excuse to put it to the back of his mind that it's cheating, like it justifies it. So what the you went on his facebook etc! Hate it when people say you shouldn't be snooping when actually the act that has been carried out is worse than snooping so yes who cares that you checked it!!

I think he is probably being extra nice because he does love you etc but also that there is slight guilt there. Men do work differently and see sex differently from women, we see it as emotional but they just see it as that-sex!

I think it is positive on how he is being now etc, I never ever think I would forgive cheating and I don't know why but I have a feeling you could maybe make it work but don't go easy on him, you sound so nice by the way! Look after yourself

I would also be hurt by the lying to your face, that's what would bother me too. It sounds like a good guy did a bad thing. I can't even believe I'm being understanding because I really hate cheating but I think you could maybe work through it from how hes been since

I don't think a break after a tragedy, or difficult times like a miscarriage in a marriage or LTR means go out the screw the first one who will spread their legs.

It's mean and no excuse for it.

They were supposed to be working on their issues an having self reflection not looking to hook up as fast as possible causing further hurt to an already devastated DP.

I mean damn is it that hard to keep it in their pants.

Yep that's the way to treat someone you supposedly love; kick them when they are down just to get your dick wet.

I can understand lying to spare your feelings. If for some reason I left my husband and got back together with him I wouldn’t tell him who I had been with and what I’d been doing purely because it’s not a pleasant thought for him. However, the way I have read this, you hadn’t actually split up temporarily or otherwise. But maybe it was a misunderstanding between the two of you and it seems the way it seems because you are the one presenting it.

I think I place the blame on myself because it was my fault we were in the place we were. As he's said if I wasn't being how I was towards him, he would of been here and it wouldn't of happened. That break was enough of an eye opener for me to learn how much I value him and our family, and I did reflect on myself and my behaviour. Which I have since gotten support with.

Like you say the whole thing was pre meditated, he went out of his way for it. He could of changed his mind at any time turned the car around and came home. But he didn't he went through with it. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about him being with her. We lay in bed and I just think about him laying in a bed with her, I think about what they were doing, was he enjoying it, did he fancy her more than me, was she better than me. All of it, it's just torturing me. I know this is going to sound dramatic but he told me what food they ate, he suggested a couple of nights ago us ordering this food and I said no and then sat in the toilet crying for 20 mins, I don't wanna have any reminder of it near me or him.

Part of me wishes I hadn't looked, but when he told me the story of going out with friends alarm bells rang immediately because it's something I've never stopped him from doing. He has the freedom to do what he likes, I don't question my trust in him like that. So why hide it? Having the opportunity to snoop, I took it just for confirmation really so I could put it to bed in my mind. Of course this has all unravelled now.

Thank you for saying that, I do have my moments though. I'm in no way perfect and have a lot of emotional difficulties that I need to deal with in general after the last couple of years especially. I felt like I'd been making positive steps forward for myself and my family, I don't want to go backwards again.

So it was his suggestion to leave and the first thing he did was go out and shag someone else? When you were suffering?

So did he manipulate the break to shag someone else?

I get a dating relationship having a break where is it less important if you shag someone else, but a long term marriage with children? Where your wife is suffering from depression?
When he then lied to you?

He is a bit of a dick really isn't he?

He is a dick for doing what he has, I think he knows that though. I just feel like I'm as much to blame. I drove him away in the first place.

You're not being dramatic at all! I totally understand, when I read stories like this I literally put myself in that position and can really empathise. I know that even if I took my husband back after cheating his life would be hell because I would throw every thing back in his face! But to move forward you'd have to draw a line. I can 100% get why you were crying in the toilet, how could he even eat with her, if i spotted the item in the supermarket id be the same and cry into my trolley!

This wasn't your fault, so what if you were behaving differently, you had been through a loss. Men deal with things differently and I think that this was his way of dealing with it and it was a stupid move, I don't think he was thinking straight and the reason he probably went back to meet her is because she was familiar and she was probably taking advantage of his weak state! None of this is obviously right or ok! He shouldn't have done it, like you say he could have stopped this and to go out of his way is really bad! If the ex ever came to his mums house again I would literally go crazy, this is where your husband has to step in and show you the respect, he cant ever even utter her name or see her again she would have to be dead to him and he would need to put his mum straight, these are all signs that hes showing you he is serious and sorry. Maybe also have counselling together. Like I said I am surprised at what im even saying because I would think all of the things you think, not to make you feel angry but my husband getting pleasure from another woman!!

Tell him he needs to give you space and time and everything is on your terms so if he thinks he can start sulking and playing the victim when you won't sleep with him then he can step back and think at why he is in this situation.

You sound like a great mum and are a great person by the sounds of it, you were grieving you were allowed to be! I always think if you are going to be married for say 60 years then a few months or a year of someone not being the best version of themselves is not much out of the whole time!!

He behaved badly but he realised his mistake and ended communication with his ex. You are pregnant and have a family together. You will need his support through your pregnancy. You love him and believes he loves you. If you believe he will not cheat on you again I would give him the benefit of the doubt but explain you are hormonal and will need extra reassurance and consideration. If you feel you can't forgive him, I would still wait until after baby is born, and you feel less emotional before you make any long term decisions.

I agree caringcarer

It's a no win situation if he had told you he risked losing you if he didn't then he risked you finding out.
If you want to forgive him do so knowing that he didn't behave well.
You are having another baby and things are complicated.
Nobody has the right answer for you because we all have different opinions but ultimately if you both decide to work things out you will.

💐 OP. That's such a hard situation to be in. I can literally feel that anguish in your posts.

The only way I could come close to getting over this would be to see huge changes. I don't just mean what he's doing already (supportive emotionally and practically), but maybe even so far as moving house. New surroundings, people, NC with his mother. Him changing his phone/number, short term him deleting social media. If he badly wants to fix this, he needs to go above and beyond, to devote himself to you to earn your trust back. He should be bending over backwards to try and prove to you that life can be good again. If his heart is not in it, you'll soon know. 💐

Oh and forgot to add, like a PP said, you HAVE to get to an STI clinic.. They most certainly do not check for all STIs!! Chlamydia being one that can cause issues. Please get yourself both checked.