OH sleeping with another woman.

[blackcoffeeinbed]

So last year me and my OH had a break for a few weeks due to us both arguing a lot. I admit that at the time I did shut down towards him after having a miscarriage and things were strained. This from my perspective was a break, a breather from being on top of each other while we both had space to think. It never was discussed as being the end of our relationship, we still spoke daily and he was seeing our children most days. (I know it sounds very Ross and Rachel!!)

So after the 3 and a half weeks we both said that we weren't wanting to end our relationship and he came back home. We haven't argued since and definitely seem to be working off of the same page as each other compared to before so I would say that the break was successful for us. I'm very much in love with him, and I believe he does love me.

A couple of months ago, he sat going through his photos on his phone and went past one which looked like a screenshot of an email to do with a hotel booking for said place which was a considerable way away from where we live. It was amongst photos he was looking at from the time we were separated so this really got to me wondering what it was about. I questioned him and he said he went for a night out with some old friends and he'd booked a hotel to stay. Named the friends and swore he had stayed alone. He hadn't mentioned this at all at the time, as far as I knew he was at his mums.

I believed him at the time and put it to the back of my mind. A few weeks ago, he left his FB open on our laptop and when he was at work I did snoop basically with the thought of just finding something to clarify that he had been where he said he had been. I came across a msg from his ex gf he was with before we got together nearly 12 years ago... it was quite an emotional msg along the lines of how hurt she feels and how she doesn't understand why he's done what he's done and she still wants to be friends etc, she had sent it earlier this year, a long while after he had come home.

I questioned him about it and he said they had spoken and he just cut her off because he didn't want to continue speaking behind my back. Just to add while looking on his FB I found nothing to suggest he had been with these friends like he told me, no tags no pics nothing. After discovering the msg, things started to feel tense between us again we weren't arguing but there was distance. Last week the torment of it all really got to me and I msg'd this woman to ask why she had sent him that message.

She was brutally honest with me, that they had met at this hotel and had slept together. He apparently had discussed potentially having a relationship with her.

When I spoke with him about this he did admit it, he said he regretted it and it wasn't worth his time. He didn't really know why he went other than he was hurting and thought why not?! He said he instantly knew he had done the wrong thing and stopped having contact with her. With the situation at the time I don't really know if it is considered cheating or not, but either way it really hurts. I can't stop picturing him with this woman, and him touching me makes me feel sick. I'm trying to let it go but in my head it's consuming me that he has done this. I don't think I fully understand but I don't want to keep questioning him and picking at it, I don't want to drive him away so he could do it again. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, all I want is for my family to be together and for us to be happy, I want to forgive him and move on.

Anyone else been through this and forgiven there OH? Is it possible? Will the torment ever stop? I can't stop crying, I've barely eaten, my children are picking up on how emotional I am too. I thought at the time we had done the best thing for us and our family but now it feels like the worst decision I ever made.

Tell him that as soon as you're feeling better after having the baby, your going to go on a break from him for 3 weeks and fuck someone else in a hotel overnight. Fairs, fair right?

I think the issue is that he has lied about it, isn’t it? He didn’t tell you when you decided to get back together and he has made up several lies since to try and cover it. He’s only admitted it because you found out for yourself. That’s your trust destroyed, which is hard to get back.

OP
Of course you are going to be upset, its obvious why. Even following the "on a break" rules, it would hurt to see him rebound so quickly. The thought of him being able to move on so quickly would hurt most people and make you question the depth of his feelings. That's natural human behaviour.

But so is the immediate rebound, a classic piece of self destructive behaviour. Designed to mask hurt and anger. Maybe also to provoke jealousy in you. He didn't try very hard, an old ex is cliched and not much effort if he knows she still pines for him. He panicked he was losing you and he reacted foolishly, to do this and to lie about it.

Of course he regretted it and didn't want you to find out. He should not have lied but a lot of people would have covered this up. As always the cover up is worse than the crime.

My advice is to accept this has happened and that it has hurt you and your future. But it is another thing that has happened which you both need to address, openly and honestly, so you have a better future . Some counselling might help as will taking time to digest what you have found out. You don't have to do that overnight or all at once.

But ask yourself, knowing him as you do, if he could go back in time and change it knowing the hurt he caused would he? Or would he do it again.

Yes it is cheating, in my view. I have been in a similar situation, we had a 'break' for about 3 months and partner slept with someone else. I always said to myself we were never on a break, we were always together...

One thing I will say is, you will move on and put it past you if you really want to and your other half is 100% willing. It is possible, true love will find it's way.

Good luck x

I regret looking to some extent now, I would still be blissfully ignorant. But I have now and have to deal with what I've found. The whole on a break debate is pretty blurry because on this night in question, the same as every night we were apart he messaged me telling me he was having an early night because he was tired, that he missed me and the kids and loved me! He'd of been with her In the hotel at this time, so that isn't really something someone says if they believe they are not committed to a person is it? It's not what I'm questioning anyway, yes it's the lies! I'd rather him of been honest In the first place instead of being as dishonest and sneaky as he has been.

Regardless of the status of our relationship at the time we have been together nearly 12 years, we have 3 children and are expecting another one. We have been though horrific losses together and a lot of day to day troubles and have made it through. I'm entitled to feel betrayed I think and to be hurt by this. I suppose in time it will get easier to live with and won't feel so raw.

Being with another man never crossed my mind, and I don't imagine myself feeling like that would be the answer to this but I fully agree with the what if the shoe was on the other foot scenario! I've said that to him and he said he wouldn't of liked it but would've forgiven me which is typically what a person would say being his side of the fence now.

I just feel deceived.

LemonTT how you have worded that is basically the response I got from him. He was hurt and angry at the time. I believe it's pretty much how you have just described that exactly! It was him punishing me for pushing him away how I did and he regretted it. I think turning the clocks back he wouldn't of done it, he says that it wasn't worth his time and the next day driving back was thinking about me and us and how much he just wanted to come home.

I’m sorry to say this Op, but I think your OH has been a real sneaky bastard. Regardless of whether you were on a ‘break’ or ‘breathing space’, he didn’t waste any time in contacting his ex, meeting up with and then casually discarding her. That is such cold, calculating behaviour. Add in the lying, and I would be very wary of him.
I appreciate that you’ve both been through a lot recently, but if you manage to work things out I would be keeping a careful eye on him in the future - whether that’s a good basis for a relationship is of course debatable.

Unfortunately you need to go and get an STI test.

He lied to you multiple times. He could have been honest from the start he chose not to be.

What do you really think of a man who deliberately used his ex and then says that it wasn't worth his time he has no respect for anyone.

I agree with the way he went about it being sneaky, and the way he treated this woman was appalling. She's always over the years popped up in one way or another, she's a family friend and going by what she said in her message to him and what she said to me, she is still very much hung up on him and their relationship. He said that she had heard he was at his mums and messaged to see if he was ok and It went from there, he fully took advantage of her.

I questioned every aspect and he said that he wasn't even attracted to her, that the sex wasn't motivating and he had to make an excuse to stop saying he was hot. But surely if he got there and realised he wasn't attracted to her he wouldn't of gone through with it?! This is the kind of details I now have going through my head, I wish I hadn't of asked some of what I did but I think I was pushing him for honesty at the time. The whole thing makes me feel sick. I struggle with self confidence at the best of times but the thought of him seeing that and then seeing me makes me feel so uncomfortable with myself.

He came home though, he could of gone and done that and liked it and not wanted to be with me anymore.

I've had a couple of bleeds so far during this pregnancy and have been tested for infections, I assume STI's would be included in these??? Wouldn't they??

It's fairly cliched behaviour OP but it doesn't make it right and it doesn't mean he gets a pass. That and the lies have consequences for him and unfortunately for you and the children.

I would tell him that you need to believe, that having his time over, he would not contact her, sleep with her and most crucially lie to you in these circumstances.

If you don't totally believe that in your heart and mind right now, then it is ok to tell him that. But if you think it is probably true and he is worth it, allow him the opportunity to prove it to you. But there is no magic bullet that will allow him to demonstrate it. He has a lot of work to do and unfortunately so do you if you are both to get over it and build a new future.

But you are right to be hurt and you are right to feel betrayed. I would ease off mentally on debating the exact nature of the betrayal as you might just go round in circles (aka Ross and Rachel).

I think you should stop invading your partners privacy

Good grief!

OP- personally, it would be the lies that would get to me.

But actually....
no matter how technically 'ok' it was for him to be with someone, I'm not sure I could in those circumstances. Especially how he treated his ex- appalling.

The important thing I think is that he came home and you have a baby on the way and three DC. Of course you don’t want his actions to break up your family after all the losses already.

But gosh, he is a shit, really. As Pics says, you basically had a breakdown and were left to look after DC whilst he hooked up with his ex. He has treated you both appallingly, not just her. You have lost the idea of who you thought he was and how you thought your marriage was.

The difficult thing is holding these two things together - that you do not want your family to break up and your husband has behaved like a shit. I do not think there is an easy answer to that.

I think he may not have cheated but I would find it difficult to stay with him

I don't think the ONS happened out of the blue. Would assume some sexting had led up to it.

Best case.scenario is he led her on, used her for one night and then ghosted her more or less. Tbh that's really cunty towards her, too.

Agree with pp he should have been tenderly looking after you and your children at that time, not getting his end away.

@bribery
Ur joking right ?

Then she would be cheating !

He didn’t cheat because she decided to effectively break up with him.

The issue here is her inability to get over the fact he had sex with an ex and the fact that he didn’t tell her he did so.

His sleeping with another woman isn’t the issue.

since he came home he's been brilliant and I've had no reason to even doubt him. He has said that he proves to me every day that he loves me and wants to be with me because he is here doing that. I knows that this has really got to me, he keeps looking at me with this helpless face asking if I'm ok. I wanna scream and say no I'm not, but I don't want to go back to being that way towards him because I don't want to push him away again especially if this is what happens. I'm just trying to bury it.

We have talked, he answered everything I asked. It's for me to just deal with now. I want to deal with it, I want us to be here a year or 2 down the line and for us to not even think about it anymore. I just need to stop tormenting myself. I know he's a basted for doing it and many would doubt him and walk away, but I'm fully invested in our relationship. If he lies or betrays me again then I can't promise he would still have my respect and loyalty.

Also can someone please advise me on wether they know the swabs I've had taken at the hospital due to minor bleeds would of tested for STI's? Or do I need to be booking in at the doctors tomorrow??

Have you had any counselling for everything that has happened, including this?

Bottling it up to cope is not going to do much good in the long run. It sounds like you could use some support.

I have bereavement counselling with a specialised midwife/councillor who works with families who have suffered miscarriages, stillbirths etc. I had to admit I needed support to deal with what we have been through and it does help. Especially now I am pregnant again, it has been a very anxious time so far and probably will be until I'm holding my healthy baby. I could do without the added stress of this situation but it's my own fault for uncovering it really.

In many ways I think now isn’t the best time for you to deal with this, you need to put your health and pregnancy first and there is an element of not knowing what the future will look like. You won’t know if you can forgive him until you try,and that will take tine. For now at least, perhaps focus on the getting through the next few months, one day at a time. You’ll work out whether you can make it work along the way.

I won’t lie, I would struggle to forgive. He lost that baby too. Two weeks out the door and he sleeps with his ex, it’s worse than if he got plastered and slept with a stranger. It was planned.

But, if you can bare to be around him and don’t feel anger eating you up, then just wait it out a little while and focus on you. If it is eating you up inside, that’s not healthy, you might need to make a decision to change your life rather than wait and see.

I’m in a minority of 1, but I don’t feel sorry for his ex girlfriend. She contacted a barely separated man, a father of three whose wife had just miscarried their baby, and tried to get him to commit to her via an encounter in an hotel. How tawdry and desperate.

He’s behaved very badly - worse than her - but that’s been covered by PPs so I won’t go on about it. Just be careful OP. He doesn’t get to “go on a break” every time things get tough.

I’m not sure on the sti’s as it depends on lots of things but you could mention to your midwife, you don’t have to tell her why just say you’d like a sexual health test.

The blood tests they do at the booking appointment usually include a full STI check OP, you could ring them up though to make sure.

I think the fact he was telling you he loved and missed you at the time might be one of the worst bits... for you OP

That's what I said to him, it was completely pre meditated! He knew what he was going there to do, baring in mind the hotel was 140 miles from where we live so he went out of his way.... if he had of gone on this night out with friends gotten drunk and slept with some random then I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt it would but it would of been easier to deal with than this.

This woman visits and stays with his mum a couple of times a year! At some point she's going to be up the road and he's going to probably see her. I can't stand the thought. A comment she made aswell has led me to believe his mum knows about this. We don't speak and I don't have to see her, we have never gotten on really but I know that she will be relishing in knowing he's done this.

You were on a break
You invaded his privacy

You have every right to feel upset.
Please try to move past this if you want to stay together