OH sleeping with another woman.

[blackcoffeeinbed]

So last year me and my OH had a break for a few weeks due to us both arguing a lot. I admit that at the time I did shut down towards him after having a miscarriage and things were strained. This from my perspective was a break, a breather from being on top of each other while we both had space to think. It never was discussed as being the end of our relationship, we still spoke daily and he was seeing our children most days. (I know it sounds very Ross and Rachel!!)

So after the 3 and a half weeks we both said that we weren't wanting to end our relationship and he came back home. We haven't argued since and definitely seem to be working off of the same page as each other compared to before so I would say that the break was successful for us. I'm very much in love with him, and I believe he does love me.

A couple of months ago, he sat going through his photos on his phone and went past one which looked like a screenshot of an email to do with a hotel booking for said place which was a considerable way away from where we live. It was amongst photos he was looking at from the time we were separated so this really got to me wondering what it was about. I questioned him and he said he went for a night out with some old friends and he'd booked a hotel to stay. Named the friends and swore he had stayed alone. He hadn't mentioned this at all at the time, as far as I knew he was at his mums.

I believed him at the time and put it to the back of my mind. A few weeks ago, he left his FB open on our laptop and when he was at work I did snoop basically with the thought of just finding something to clarify that he had been where he said he had been. I came across a msg from his ex gf he was with before we got together nearly 12 years ago... it was quite an emotional msg along the lines of how hurt she feels and how she doesn't understand why he's done what he's done and she still wants to be friends etc, she had sent it earlier this year, a long while after he had come home.

I questioned him about it and he said they had spoken and he just cut her off because he didn't want to continue speaking behind my back. Just to add while looking on his FB I found nothing to suggest he had been with these friends like he told me, no tags no pics nothing. After discovering the msg, things started to feel tense between us again we weren't arguing but there was distance. Last week the torment of it all really got to me and I msg'd this woman to ask why she had sent him that message.

She was brutally honest with me, that they had met at this hotel and had slept together. He apparently had discussed potentially having a relationship with her.

When I spoke with him about this he did admit it, he said he regretted it and it wasn't worth his time. He didn't really know why he went other than he was hurting and thought why not?! He said he instantly knew he had done the wrong thing and stopped having contact with her. With the situation at the time I don't really know if it is considered cheating or not, but either way it really hurts. I can't stop picturing him with this woman, and him touching me makes me feel sick. I'm trying to let it go but in my head it's consuming me that he has done this. I don't think I fully understand but I don't want to keep questioning him and picking at it, I don't want to drive him away so he could do it again. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, all I want is for my family to be together and for us to be happy, I want to forgive him and move on.

Anyone else been through this and forgiven there OH? Is it possible? Will the torment ever stop? I can't stop crying, I've barely eaten, my children are picking up on how emotional I am too. I thought at the time we had done the best thing for us and our family but now it feels like the worst decision I ever made.

HE says you drove him away.
You have simply accepted this without question.

Objectively, it's more likely that you had a mental breakdown, he couldnt be arsed with it (too much like hard work) and cleared out to shag about a bit.

Have you thought about why you take on his perspective automatically as your own?

I questioned every aspect and he said that he wasn't even attracted to her, that the sex wasn't motivating and he had to make an excuse to stop saying he was hot.

Problem is, he’s still lying. He is continuing to lie to your face. Nobody goes 170 miles to a hotel to bang someone they don’t find attractive. He found her attractive enough to date her in the past. Trust me, the sex was ‘motivating’.

For that alone I couldn’t move past this, he’s insulting your intelligence. It’s one thing to come to you and own up to what he’s done and be honest, but his lies mean you’ll never trust him again and never find out what actually happened. I couldn’t deal with the fact he thinks you’re thick enough to believe the above quoted speech. I mean come on. Does he usually have such a dim view of your intelligence?

The shagging someone on a break is a different issue imo, one that you could move past if you really wanted to. But lying about it again and again and again and still lying now is unforgivable, you’ve found out he’s a snake and as long as he can get what he wants he’s happy to lie to the mother of his children. Get rid. Better to be single than with someone like this!

He let you get back together without telling you information that would, presumably, have had a large role to play in you making that decision. You didn't make an informed choice, you decided to get back together on faulty assumptions (that he hadn't slept with anyone).

And I agree with others who say he is minimising and lying even now. Yup, snake.

Wish I could give you a hug op, you have been through so so much. Please be kind to yourself. You have nothing to be blamed for. You did not push him into anything.

Oh dear God, it is NOT your fault you were in the place you were. If I recall correctly, you lost your DD and then you had a miscarriage, whilst also already looking after DC. Who was looking after DC when he was on this break? Did he take them so you could rest? Did he help you seek therapy and make sure you were getting enough sleep? Did he tell you he was struggling and thinking of sleeping with his ex for comfort?

That you drove him away is not your narrative, it is his. I do not know what your is, but please do not blame yourself for his lack of support given everything else you have experienced. Decide to move on, yes if that is what you want, but blame yourself? No.

Maybe you could have done things differently, but more so could he. If he is not there now telling you he knows that, and I mean before things broke down, not just the sleeping with his ex but, then I would be questioning what he has actually learned here.

Do not make things worse by beating yourself up for causing his bad judgement, that was his call.

Perhaps I am thick, or just desperate to make this work because I love him. I do worry what this will be teaching him, me rolling over and taking it but if I'm honest the thought of him leaving and being out there doing these things is unbearable. Wether I believe the ins and outs of his version or hers, I do believe that he loves me and wants to be here. I believe his actions since say a lot, guilt driven or not. I do feel deceived and lied to and that is the hardest thing to deal with, but I want to at least give us a bit of time to see if that can be healed and give him the opportunity to continue proving himself.

Ive said that he is to have no contact with this woman ever again, and that her name is to not be mentioned in my house. I can't expect him to cut his mum off or call the shots about her having her to stay, but I do expect him to give his mums a wide berth if he is aware that she is there. I think after this he would feel awkward to hang about if he turned up and she was there, I suppose in that scenario it would be the ultimate test? Would he walk straight out of the door to respect me? I can't answer that, tbh I doubt he would even tell me if this even happened.

I know to a lot of you think I probably seem weak, in truth I am pretty weak especially at the minute. I can't handle a fall out, I can't bare the thought of my children watching him walk out of the door for good. I can't have this baby and not give her the chance to have her Daddy here everyday. I am just going to have to deal with it in the best way I can. Yes the trust is going to be very difficult to rebuild I know this. It's my mind I just need to control better and not keep tormenting myself thinking about every seedy detail.

We have been for a scan today and seen our baby, she's doing amazing. We went for food and had a pretty relaxed afternoon, I managed to hold his hand for a minute or so aswell which I think is pretty good progress. It did get to me thinking about where that hand had been but I just reminded myself that he was here with me holding my hand after us seeing our baby. This is supposed to be a happy time, after the misery we have lived the last 2 years I can't let this take that away from either of us.

It feels like it's my fault, ultimately it was his choice to go through with what he's done I know this but If I wasn't taking my grief and my moods out on him he would of been home with his family. He wouldn't of done it had that been the case, I fully believe that.

I have never been in your situation OP so I can't say if it will get better in time and you will learn to trust him but what I would say is I think it's worth a shot. You can't throw 12 years away when you clearly still love each other and have a baby on the way... time will tell with this one. Good luck I hope it works out for you both x

Did you speak to the midwife about getting an STI screen?

That's what I hope that time will be a healer. I just hope he never lets me down again.

I bottled it asking the consultant with him sat there, I didn't want her to be judging us cause me asking about STI's is pretty embarrassing for us both. I have a direct number for my midwife so will call her first thing in the morning and ask about it. I will make sure he knows what I'm doing so he knows the position he's put me and his baby in. I think so far I'm being pretty reasonable but if it turns out that he has given me anything, and put us both at risk it could be another story. I think that would tip me over the edge!!

Sorry you're going through this and sorry for your loss. We went through something similar in that we lost our baby at 5 months and my husband was with me when she was delivered. I just wanted to say that none of this is your fault regardless of how you acted. Unless you've been there it is hard to understand. I honestly put my husband through the wringer and then back again. Looking back I must have been hell to live with, particularly as he was grieving too. Despite this he didn't walk out. He stayed and bloody well gave me the love and support I needed.

stop being hard on yourself. You went through a dark time and your husband let you down by walking away when things were tough, again by sleeping with someone else, and compounded matters by not telling the truth. He needs to make things up to you so don't shoulder the blame.

Good luck

Thank you, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. It's a very hard thing to go through and although others do go through it it's a very lonely feeling. He's the only person who knows how I feel and yes that hurts me it's insulting really and I did and do feel let down. We obviously dealt with things a lot differently with the 2nd miscarriage. I'm so glad that your husband supported you and that perhaps my reaction and behaviour at the time wasn't unusual. Hopefully me and my OH can come out the other side of this one day.

Of course he has put you at risk of an STI. You have had unprotected sex at least once.

If you want to keep a lid firmly on this and stay together at any cost, you still need that STI check for your baby's sake as well as yours.

But

If you want to know the truth, I would go back through his messages in the months leadng up to the time he chose to move to his mother's. Find out how long this has been going on. You know you won't get the truth from him. You are still blaming yourself for driving him away but from the outside it seems he engineered this split so he could go fuck her.

If the messages have been deleted, I would swallow my pride and contact the OW and ask how long he has been professing love etc to her. Ask for screenshots.

I know you are struggling to keep it together but I don't think you will be able to sweep what he has done under the carpet forever. Nor should you.

No decent man would act as he has.

I think it's morally so gross and horrific that he was out booking a hotel and bedding his ex so soon after you had your miscarriage.. betrayed you and led her on just to get some "easy" lay (he probably found it easier to seduce an ex who has built up feelings for him rather than the time it would take to convince a new target).

I am taking the STI thing seriously, I just didn't want to spoil a happy moment for myself today by bringing it up, and embarrassing myself. It will be the first thing I do tomorrow when I get home from my school run.

I can no longer get on his FB, it was logged in when I looked before but is no longer logged in. He has a lock on his phone which I don't know... we have never been all over each other's phones and accounts, there's been no need to be. When I looked previously the message from her that she had sent saying about missing him and not understanding why he's treated her the way he has etc, was the only message on there from her. He had deleted anything previous. I didn't ask her for proof of anything when I messaged her. I was too shocked and could barely breathe let alone think of more to really say. I don't want to message her again and keep going over it with her. I feel like it will give her satisfaction knowing she's caused such a stir and I refuse to give it to her.

I think I'm going to have to go by the info I have and deal with that. I don't fully believe his account how could I, but then she's understandably bitter so I can't guarantee her account Is entirely true either.

The facts I do know are-

They talked and arranged to meet in a hotel.
OH drove140 miles to hotel.
They ate said food in hotel room, watched tv and had sex and spent the night together.

The ins and outs that I'm torturing myself with are irrelevant really and I don't know why I'm so obsessed with wanting to know them, I'm just causing myself more hurt. I think if anything I'm wanting confirmation that he didn't enjoy it, that he didn't fancy her like he does me, that it wasn't the same for reassurance and probably wether it's true or not (god I feel so desperate) He's had sex with his ex at a time I/we was in a vulnerable place. It doesn't get much worse than that really.

I could not stay with a man that treated women like he has treated either of you

He is without integrity

Listen . You were separated .

The point of being separated is that you spend some fine figuring out WHAT you WANT .

I don’t think he needed to tell you anything if I was to be honest .

He THOUGHT and had the opportunity to get back with the ex, and realised he didn’t want to .

He may have slept with other women for all you know .

The point is that you were NOT together at that point .

I say draw a line under it and move forward with your new family !

I know maybe easier said than done , but I think if I were you that IS what I would be doing .

Sorry , I meant ‘ spend some time ‘

He has a lock on his phone which I don't know... we have never been all over each other's phones and accounts, there's been no need to be

You should know every code and password now. He should be bending over backwards to prove he can reearn your trust.

I think the problem with you blaming yourself and him not taking any responsibility is that you may end up policing your emotions and feelings in future. How are you both, note the emphasis on both, going to create healthier ways of communicating?

Would you consider relationship counselling? My fear with that is you would blame yourself and the focus would be on what you could have done differently and his part would be packaged up as regrettable but justifiable. Whereas the point is precisely what you say, that you were vulnerable, plus I think that your reactions to loss were perfectly normal and if he had put his efforts into supporting you and helping say, find a therapist, you would not be in this position now. But an opportunity to talk things over with a professional couples therapist might help with strategies to move on. Otherwise it becomes very much your issue to suck up and cope with, and you are already doing that by being careful (self-policing) what you ask health professionals when.

So I've just spoken to OH regarding STI's. I asked if he's been checked, and his response was no, he wouldn't of gotten anything from that anyway... and that I'd know by now if either of us had anything, he's absolutely fine!! He completely played it down. Waiting on a call back from my midwife to get some advice. Hopefully she will call soon as I have work In a little while.

Few people can understand the trauma of loosing two children and grief takes so many different forms for different people. You were not yourself. You were grieving. Your partner was also grieving and his behaviour also sounds out of character. I can also understand why your partner felt unable to be upfront and honest, and I can understand how you feel devastated. Something like this makes you question everything that has happened since, as you no longer know what to believe to the point where the relationship you felt you had built together can feel like it was based on a lie.
This will pass. It will get easier, just takes time. I think you are right not to make a rash decision about the future of your relationship. You sound like you both love each other very much and to get through what you have - that’s something else! My guess is it will change your relationship, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. He made a massive mistake and he knows it and genuinely regrets it. This and the knowledge of the pain it has caused you will probably mean he has learnt from his mistake. I don’t think at all that you have rolled over and accepted it and given him permission to do it again by continuing with the relationship, but I also don’t think it is helpful to police everything he does and everyone he speaks to. He is an adult and can take responsibility for his own behaviour. I’m sure you have been clear with him about what you are and are not comfortable with.
As I said, it will get easier in time and you have the distraction of your children and your new baby to create more happy memories.

Why would he have not got anything from it? Did he use something? I think that is a typical man paying it down he's probably worried.

Hmmm Facebook now not logged on and old messages deleted isn't great, as I previously said if I chose to forgive my husband for cheating I would throw everything in his face that much that his life would probably be hell and there would be no happy marriage left so we might aswel split up. But I do think you now need to know his passwords etc if he is going to prove he is honest, yes it's not nice to live like this but he put you in this position! It doesn't mean you have to snoop all the time but just him being open about passwords etc will show you if he's honest.

As I said before I think you could work through it maybe but all the secret pass codes etc wouldn't work for me and I'd be exactly the same I'd need to know all the details and maybe you do need to just hear it all before you can move on rather than papering Iver the cracks, letting it boil away trying to keep it suppressed for years with niggling doubts in your head and unanswered questions that you will probably just explode and feel you have wasted time staying with him, so maybe have it all out and then counselling and try to move forward. He probably will get defensive and feel backed into a corner from having to lay everything out but it might need to be done so you can decide.

Hi @blackcoffeeinbed I do hope things work out however you want them to be. Apologies, I missed where you mentioned re the subsequent miscarriage. We did too (ectopic) and it was after that I was in free fall. Your husband really does need to hold his hands up, I cannot express enough how this isn't your fault at all. Yes he went through this with you but you had the added burden of the physical trauma too.

He really shouldn't be downplaying the STI point and his response to you is pretty ignorant to be honest. Also he shouldn't have phones / social media etc locked down unless he has something to hide - my husband and I have full access to each others social media but neither of us check. We never had a convo about it, it just happened.

Anyway, hope you're ok and I wish you the best re your pregnancy / relationship.