OH sleeping with another woman.

[blackcoffeeinbed]

So last year me and my OH had a break for a few weeks due to us both arguing a lot. I admit that at the time I did shut down towards him after having a miscarriage and things were strained. This from my perspective was a break, a breather from being on top of each other while we both had space to think. It never was discussed as being the end of our relationship, we still spoke daily and he was seeing our children most days. (I know it sounds very Ross and Rachel!!)

So after the 3 and a half weeks we both said that we weren't wanting to end our relationship and he came back home. We haven't argued since and definitely seem to be working off of the same page as each other compared to before so I would say that the break was successful for us. I'm very much in love with him, and I believe he does love me.

A couple of months ago, he sat going through his photos on his phone and went past one which looked like a screenshot of an email to do with a hotel booking for said place which was a considerable way away from where we live. It was amongst photos he was looking at from the time we were separated so this really got to me wondering what it was about. I questioned him and he said he went for a night out with some old friends and he'd booked a hotel to stay. Named the friends and swore he had stayed alone. He hadn't mentioned this at all at the time, as far as I knew he was at his mums.

I believed him at the time and put it to the back of my mind. A few weeks ago, he left his FB open on our laptop and when he was at work I did snoop basically with the thought of just finding something to clarify that he had been where he said he had been. I came across a msg from his ex gf he was with before we got together nearly 12 years ago... it was quite an emotional msg along the lines of how hurt she feels and how she doesn't understand why he's done what he's done and she still wants to be friends etc, she had sent it earlier this year, a long while after he had come home.

I questioned him about it and he said they had spoken and he just cut her off because he didn't want to continue speaking behind my back. Just to add while looking on his FB I found nothing to suggest he had been with these friends like he told me, no tags no pics nothing. After discovering the msg, things started to feel tense between us again we weren't arguing but there was distance. Last week the torment of it all really got to me and I msg'd this woman to ask why she had sent him that message.

She was brutally honest with me, that they had met at this hotel and had slept together. He apparently had discussed potentially having a relationship with her.

When I spoke with him about this he did admit it, he said he regretted it and it wasn't worth his time. He didn't really know why he went other than he was hurting and thought why not?! He said he instantly knew he had done the wrong thing and stopped having contact with her. With the situation at the time I don't really know if it is considered cheating or not, but either way it really hurts. I can't stop picturing him with this woman, and him touching me makes me feel sick. I'm trying to let it go but in my head it's consuming me that he has done this. I don't think I fully understand but I don't want to keep questioning him and picking at it, I don't want to drive him away so he could do it again. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, all I want is for my family to be together and for us to be happy, I want to forgive him and move on.

Anyone else been through this and forgiven there OH? Is it possible? Will the torment ever stop? I can't stop crying, I've barely eaten, my children are picking up on how emotional I am too. I thought at the time we had done the best thing for us and our family but now it feels like the worst decision I ever made.

It sounds like you are in a much better place together now OP. Only you can decide if you get past it, the fact he has been much better since he returned is a good thing.

I understand what you mean in terms of it being the lies and deceit- that is my biggest issue with my H at the moment, not really that he cheated (though that hurts) but the lies that came with it and lead to a mental breakdown/crisis.

I hope it works out for you

Apologies if I got the contact with his ex wrong Op - I assumed he’d been the one to initiate. And I also meant his treatment of both you and the ex was cold and calculating.

Just read the bit about her staying with his mum?!
You need to put some conditions on and that includes that she doesn't stay with his mum. He needs to clear up this mess.

I'm seeing my midwife Friday after next so I will mention it. I actually have a scan tomorrow and have to see a consultant, OH will be with me so I could question the swabs etc then while he's sat there!

I think I'm just exhausted from everything at the minute, the last couple of years have taken their toll on me mentally. I've always prioritised my children and family, there have been so many days in the past I've wished he would understand this and prioritise me. Since this event he has been doing that. I think the problem is going to be me dealing with it in a way that's not going to further effect our relationship. I feel myself pulling away again but Its still pretty fresh, I'm sure after finding something like this out nobody would be particularly recipient of his advances right now. I'm know he's just trying to reassure me but it literally makes me cringe him touching me.

He did say that he just won't go round if she is at his mums, but his mum is awfully manipulative and I could imagine her not telling him she's there and asking for a favour just to get him round.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. From what you've said, correct me if I'm wrong, you WANT to find a way to work through this with your OH to keep the relationship going, without this hanging over you?

I would suggest telling him you want both if you to have some couples counselling, specifically to deal with how to re-build the trust. You also need to tell him that this ex needs to stop these visits where she stops at his mums, or it needs to be agreed that when those visits happen, he does not go round there, and he does not go and meet her anywhere. There is to be no further contact with this woman - unless of course you would like him to get in touch just once to properly apologise for the way he treated her and to make it clear that he is 100% with you now, what happened was a mistake and to allow her the ability to move on properly (as you say she has been a bit hung up on him/never over him) that he will no longer see her, be FB friends with, stay in contact with etc. That's your call though, not his!

I think you also need to make some time for you both as a couple - which isn't easy when you have children! HE needs to arrange babysitters etc and take you out. And not just arrange for the kids to go to grandmas for you two to have a night in which for him just means sex - he should take you on a date, something that you would enjoy, and treat it like a first date - no expectation of sex at the end of it because this is about rebuilding the trust.

Whatever you do, you absolutely have to find a way of putting this behind you. If you don't, it will eat at you. So maybe you need one conversation with him where he agrees not to get angry and just answers every question you have totally honestly, then you agree to draw a line under it. Or maybe you agree that this is never to be mentioned again by either of you. Maybe you need to ask him to be patient with you, to give you time and work on restoring the trust. Tell him he's not allowed to get mad if you bring it up within a set period of time or something. You cannot keep bringing it up forever - but maybe in the next 6 months there will be things you think you need to know the answers to about it so that once your brain is satisfied it understands the situation it can allow you to move on.

Look after yourself though. You've been through hell these last few years anyway - you don't need this additional stress on you or your pregnancy. Make sure that you get whatever support you need from a counsellor/family/friends or even your OH. Sometimes just having another person that knows that you can talk to takes the weight and enormity of the problem away.

Good luck for your pregnancy and rebuilding your relationship x

OP
Booking bloods at the start of pregnancy usually screen for HIV, Hepatitis B and syphillis - so are not a full STI screen. It might be worth making an appointment at the GUM clinic, particularly if that will help put your mind at rest.

It's really funny how all these men get women to buy into their 'breaks' which are always a carte blanche for them to fuck around. He left you with these kids (how many are there) when you were mentally down and shagged someone else and now you're supposed to be okay with it? He's done a number on you.

Yes, you need STI check.

OP I can't imagine the stress you are under.

I don't think he cheated, but the fact that he lied so easily would be the end for me. You will never trust anything he says. I know you say your were picking fights, but you lost a child and had a miscarriage. He should have been trying to support you as much as possible, not angry you were on a break so thought he would have sex with someone else. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and birth. Good luck

You're currently pregnant?
Oh my God.
OP

I can understand why he lied. Sounds like he just wants to put it all behind him, forget about it and move on. He'd rather tell a tissue of lies then own up to it.

As for him treating his ex badly & knowing that she stays with his mum from time to time, it also figures she knew you were both married & have a family. Break or no bloody break, she still slept with him.

Sorry but I have no sympathy for her AT ALL.

Yes I definitely want to find a way. We have previously spoken about couples councelling, but with the main issue being mine with the trauma of losing our babies it seemed a better place to start with me speaking to someone regarding that. We did have a conversation and I done exactly what you suggested, I asked for neither of us to get angry and for him to answer with total honesty which he did do. I didn't leave it by saying well we won't speak of it again, I'd just heard all I could bare so got up and made tea. I don't want to keep bringing it up. It's just torturing myself really.

I'm not prepared to ask him to apologise to her, without sounding controlling about it I just don't want him having anything else to do with her, not now not ever. I feel sorry for her and don't agree with his treatment of her but there is still the niggle that as someone said she did know about me and my children, and at her first opportunity used our situation to reach out to him, I'm certainly not thankful to her for doing that.

I am going to speak to him and just say that the whole thing is still very much on my mind and it's not going to go away over night, but I will make the effort to carry on as normal to give us the opportunity to get passed this. As I say the problem is going to be me letting it go and not thinking about it. Days like tomorrow and seeing our baby, healthy and happy will take my mind off of it I'm sure. That's the main thing in all of this, that we have our children and something worth keeping.

@JessieTalamasca The op instigated the break.And dont forget he also has losses.Im not excusing his behaviour,just pointing out that he too has been hurt.

When I quizzes him about the lies and not being honest, he said in the first place he didn't want to hurt me and wanted to come home and didn't want to jeopardise his chances of doing that. Then the concocted story when I saw the hotel booking was because the previous day I had spent at the Hospital after having a small bleed and he didn't want to give me another reason to be stressed and upset. I get why he lied to an extent but sat here now I would much rather him of been honest from the start. I'd of respected that and wouldn't be questioning my trust in him as a whole. I don't want to be the person that questions his every move, or every time he gets a message ask who's that, or why is he late home. He doesn't give me any reason to really, but I can understand how things like this can make a person question things.

I don’t think you have the full, true story. How would you feel if he is still lying?

Since his ex has been more truthful than he has, I would contact her once more and ask when and how the first contact was made. He says that she contacted him after hearing that he was at his mother’s. As others have surmised, it is possible that things were heating up between them before that.

I wouldn’t consider continuing with him until I knew exactly what I was forgiving.

I think it's unfair you are in this much pain.

His mum sounds awful.

He was devastated when we lost our baby girl in 2017, we fully went through that together. It was the most horrific experience of our lives and I will never forget the look of horror on his face when I delivered her, he was totally heartbroken. The miscarriage last year, his solution was for us to just try again straight away, whereas mine was to shut down and I pushed him away. I wouldn't let him touch me, I'd pick at everything, id on occasions I'd get angry and take that out on him verbally. I wasn't easy to live with at all. I was insulted at how easily he thought that baby would be replaceable and I was scared of going through that again so my defence mechanism so to speak was to act in a way it wouldn't happen again.

This went on for a couple of months, we both knew we couldn't continue like it. He said about going to his mums to give me space and time to reflect on my treatment of him really and I agreed. As I say initially it seemed like it was the best thing we ever could of done for us, it put it in perspective for me that I didn't want to lose our relationship and he said the same thing. In the scheme of things it wasn't even a month, some people go on cruises for longer than we were apart. Things have been so much better since that, it was an eye opener but now I know this I feel like it was all for nothing to now have this hanging over us.

I don't want to contact her anymore. I feel like I've heard enough. I know I want to give us the chance to work so I'm not going to continue digging to just torture myself any further. I believe she is still completely obsessed with him, and she was very bitter about his treatment of her understandably, so I'm sure to some extent she has got a tad of pleasure from me messaging in the first place and having the opportunity to say her big and cause a bit of grief.

growmywings Yes , it really is the lies and deceit. So hurtful that DH can look you in the face and tell you something that they think will cover for them.

OP Try not to stress about the details right now. I know it is torture imagining things. Believe the OW , she has nothing to gain by not telling you the whole story. She is quite pathetic , allowing herself to get involved , knowing his situation.
Seems he was trying to protect you ( my DH said the same). What they don't realise is that the obvious lies and deceit makes you MORE upset, as then you can't trust what they say is thes truth.
I know it is hard , but try to not let it get to you and just try to focus and the baby and how your DH is acting towards you right now

It is the lies, I've gone way back through my messages and looked at the conversation we had that night he was there and I was completely clueless. I deleted our entire WhatsApp conversation history earlier today to stop myself looking at it, trying to find something which gave it away. It makes me feel stupid. And yes the memories of him looking me in the eye telling me this story of his night out, when I asked why he hadn't said before he just said cause he didn't want me to worry while I was fragile enough at the time. He could see I was fragile but that didn't stop him?!! I hope that he will learn from this, ultimately he's gained nothing. If what he says is true then he's left with a lot of guilt, and a lot of work ahead of him to convince me he's truly sorry and to never make me question my trust of him again.

It's shit to hear that people go through these things but reassuring to know that they have worked through it and it is possible.

You poor girl. You don't deserve to be awake at 1am suffering like this. Try to sleep.

I've barely slept all week, since I messaged this woman. I just can't, my mind just won't give me a break. Il crash out of exhaustion soon enough.

Why does a break mean a free to do whatever you want with other women? I don't get it.
If I was on a break with my husband we would be using the break to find a way to deal with our own emotions and finding a way to work on dealing with each others after the loss of a child and a miscarriage. It would never ever mean it is the chance to sleep with other people as the idea of a break is to work on ourselves, find a way to work with each other after all that's happened and do this in our own spaces so we don't wind each other up. That means we are still dedicated to one another but just not in each others pockets all the time so we can breathe and find a way to move forward.
I personally think a break by living in different houses isn't the way to do it but I understand why you would if you have the option. He's totally abused the break. I have no idea why people are saying he hasn't cheated when he clearly has. Unless women also think it's a time when they can sleep with other people too then I can see why they don't care but really I don't think you were even separated. You clearly wanted to find yourself again without worrying about him being around. However you still had the kids. Forget him taking advantage of the ex gf, he's taken advantage of the kids and you.
I'm not sure how you can move on from this apart from forgiving him and moving forward but also knowing she will always be around.

Have a cup of tea, switch off the phone, read a book, OP. Sleep will come.

I agree with *babba, I would interpret a break in that way, too. Some time apart can definitely help spouses appreciate each other more- have seen this in my own marriage (forced apart by immigration rather than by choice, but result is the same- communication improved and both felt more grateful for each other). It wouldn't work if one immediately used this as an excuse to shag about. I assume the OP just needed mental space and her husband really should have known this.