He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

I think that's just it simon I'm not sure how much he knows so my message might be a bolt out of the blue and I really don't want to hurt him. I think I feel like I wouldn't have minded at all if he'd got in touch with me but it's just to see how he is really. I don't know how honest she's been with him and I hate to think of him sitting broken-hearted thinking she just didn't love him anymore. A bit of anger at the lies has helped me.
I'm not interested in swapping stories or anything like that though. I believe what dh has said about what's gone on with her and that's bad enough so I'm not sure how I'd feel if it turned out there was more to it. It would definitely compromise the way we're hoping to move forward ie. be decent and kind to each other as parents. Yes bad idea.

How is everyone doing today . Anyone find nightimes are the worses?

I used to find them bad but just lately I've been ok about them.

How are you Becky?

Not so good today actually, its fair to say I've had a wobble. Was looking at baby pics of dc and got quite emotional, we were so together and there for each other. It's hard to think that he probably wasn't very happy during that time. And sad to think there's every chance I won't have another. I'm relatively young in child-bearing terms but I just can't imagine being close enough to somebody else to have a child with them.
Becky I've actually found evenings are the easiest. By the time dc in bed, had a bath/shower and maybe had something to eat I'm ready for crap TV and bed. It's filling the days I struggle with!

you need to tell someone asap. having someone to talk to and be with you will help ypu so much. talking from experience. i told my mum and moved to hers for a while. but anyone is better than noone. take care of yourself

Because I am at work in the day I can keep occupied, yesterday he messaged me saying I say the same thing everyday so I am not longer going to text him. He rung me today asking about the kids but I'm really trying no contact ! Everyone says he will come back with his tail between his legs. But I dont no if I want to be with a man that can hurt me this much . I'm so happy I have support on here its keeping me going.

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt ugh I hate seeing old pictures. Especially when we both look really happy together.

Today I got some of ds1s clothes down for ds2 and I couldn't stop crying as I could remember nice things we'd done when he'd been wearing those particular items! I only wanted bloody joggers and didn't even find any haha

I've had a crap day too but I've been stuck in all day due to rain and also feeling a bit hormonal. Bad combination haha Hope you feel better when you wake up x

Evening all.

I know I'm further down the line than you guys. But I'm cheering you all on.

Early to bed book and internet is how my evenings have rolled. Sad existence but I wake early so works for me.

Try not to think too far a head @KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Right now it is all so very raw. Many people move on to much happier relationships. As whoever is in your future will be very special to be part of your and your dcs lives. I feel ok about dating now. But would need to be exceptional to be involved in my children's lives. Unlike my ex who brought ow on all contact with the children from day one 🙄 also don't give him so much head space. He will of re written history. It was a happy time. He wasn't pretending. He has just said that so he had an excuse for his behaviour now. You will in time be able to look back and have some comfort from the early days. But there is also an unwritten future ahead of you. Who knows what's out there.

My parents both remarried and although I do not resent them. Growing up with a step parent wasn't easy for my sister and I. I will think long and hard before that is an option for my children.

@Becky2190 How old are your children? When ex left ds was 10. So I quickly got him his own phone so he didn't need to have me as his go between. He doesn't make any effort to keep up contact between his eow I would like to think because I have taken me out of the equation. But more likely he just can't be bothered.

I know how hard it is. If you feel the urge to message him. Write it out and sleep on it. Go back and take all the emotion out of it. And see what you are left with. You don't want him back. You won't ever feel the same about him. I miss my old life and feel sad for the children having to be split between us. But I don't want someone in my life who could hurt me and the children in this way. Someone who puts there own wants above that of their children. That isn't someone I have any time for.

I'm even further down the line and agree with not thinking too far ahead (or back for that matter).
For a while it's ok to plan and live one day at a time, feed the DCs, and for everything else fake it until you feel it.
I remember hating the weekends. My house was never before (or since) as spotless, I never had so many long baths, I never read so much. It was hard and lonely and painful, but it was a journey to somewhere (and someone) better.
@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt, of course you can't imagine having another child now, life will follow its course and gradually things will change.
I did go on to have another child, 6 years after my split with my ex.
I know its hard to see through the pain but you have to tear down the old to build the new.
I can only say that my DH is everything my ex never was (and yes me and ex were together 12 years and I thought we were happy).
It's going to be ok

Thanks all for the wise words and hope.
How is the no contact going Becky I hope you're holding out.
Simon yes seeing old outfits and my favourite pictures was hard going. It breaks me to think of not using them again. Or to think of him supporting another woman the way he did me when my dc arrived. But I can't do anything about that, so need to grieve it and leave it (hey that's actually a decent mantra, I think I'll remember that one).
eve34 and someonefromtheweb thanks for sharing that. I think you're right that I'm caught up in thinking too far ahead and rewriting history for myself, neither of which are productive for now.
On the face of it I'm doing OK. Dc clothed, fed and taken out somewhere every day for a change of scenery. Bit too much screen time but can't win them all.
I have appts this week to sort out benefits and counselling, so I think I'll feel a bit better when I know what I'm contending with on that front. Need independence.

Only on day 2 or no contact both days he has text me about kids do I reply or wait till I see him when he picks them up ??

For me, I'd reply but keep it only about dc. There's a fine line between nc and using them as a tool to get back at him iyswim?

I'd also reply but only talk about dc. Nothing else.

I love grieve it and leave it!!!!

I would have thought mr loverman needs lots of time having sole care of the children to enable you to sort out your affairs and to get him used to the new regime.

I am really really struggling tonight ! He rang and I didnt answer. He said it was to tell me he was putting the to bed at his mums tomorrow ! I really want to ring or text him trying to keep my dignity !!

If you really need to reply just put 'ok thanks for letting me know' just business like. No emotion.

@eve34 I keep reading your last post over and over for strength .. why would I want him back after he has hirt me like this and always expects to come back ?

@Simonfromharlow I did exactly that .. i just put o.k

@Becky2190 You find your strengthen. Just keep going hour by hour.

You deserve someone with as good a heart as you have. I'm sure like me you never in your wildest dreams would of gone off looking for someone else. That really hurt for me. Whilst 'we were trying'. Ex was actually out on the pull. And coming home treating me and the kids like shit.

I know it is so very hard to break the habit of not communicating. My ex worked away. And wherever he was in the world we would always text good night and good morning messages. It broke my heart to stop that. No one checking in with me and the kids.

He thought we could part on good terms and be friendly. After shagging ow and leaving me broke. He would send chatty text and phone to see how we were doing. But that was all about him. His image and his guilt. He wanted to tell people how supportive he was being. Look what a great man I am. Putting them first. Looking out for them even though I left. I made it very clear every time. I was not his concern. He had made it very clear by his actions he didn't give a toss about me. I only answered about the kids. Contact and money. One word answers. Fine ok etc. He hated it. When he had the children. He would say ring anytime. I responded with why? They are with you you parent like I do for the other 13 nights a fortnight. It was a tough line. And I would write many angry e mails and not send them.

He has seen a side to me I didn't know I had. And he hated it. I stood my ground and wouldn't let him manipulate me for his image. I stopped covering for him. If people asked. No he doesn't see the kids. No he doesn't pay his child support. Yes ow is involved blah blah. I kept my dignity I made no comment when he would bring her in the car to collect the children. Or moved into a place with her 12 weeks later and my kids were sleeping on their bedroom floor. His time he gets to parent it was up to him to decide his actions and how that impacts on the kids. He never listened to me. So why pretend now you want to co parent. (All about his image and not taking responsibility).

Show him your inner strength. Boundaries and your 'fuck you' attitude. Even if you are faking it.

Karma comes round. Ex is in a shitty rented shared flat he hates. ( remember. All about image). He has pissed up all his money. His family are disgusted with him. His eldest dc has gone no contact. And apparently I have everything. 🙄. The house was mine before he came along.

Draw a line now. You can do this. Sorry that was very long. My ex has behaved very badly and the only way I can 'fight' that with dignity is to not react. And keep living the best life I can.

It gets less raw and emotional. This is the person you love. And planned the rest of your life with. There isn't a hurt like it. You will get there. And become more meh about them I promise. Just keep your head down and get through today. And in 6,12,18 months time you will be in a better place

@eve34 glad you are in a much better place now!! You sound amazing

@Simonfromharlow Thank you. It wasn't easy. And for the first six months He kept coming and going. He would appear in the middle of night telling me his head was a mess and he didn't know what he was doing. He emptied the bank account. Kept taking any money we had and I let him. Thinking he was having a crisis. He had lost his job that took him all over the world. And was drinking too much. I kept thinking he would pull himself together. Then he up and left for good. And ow was on the scene. He told a friend that he wanted a 'decent' women in his life. Those word stung. After all I had put up with.

I know nothing of the new girlfriend except she is much younger than me/him. She has stuck around all this time. So must be working out for them. I don't much care. I hold her no malice. Although think she needs to give her head a wobble. The children say she is kind to them and looks after them. Because dad is too busy on his phone.

I have moment when I weaken. He has surfaced over time telling me he wished it was all different. And this is usually followed by a request for money. More fool me. It hasn't been easy. Most days it was a case of just getting through the next hour. But it does get easier. I wouldn't wish this to happen to anyone. It took me to my lowest ebb.

I never wanted it to be like this. But it is. I may not of always got it right. But the kids are in a much better place after lots of self harm from the eldest. And separation anxiety from the youngest. I feel we have turned a corner. And feel there is joy in our days. Birthdays and christmases are difficult. But I guess that too comes in time.

For Now I just need to shift two stone and get my own life again.

♥️♥️