He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

4 weeks into mine now OP and it’s been the worst thing I’ve ever gone though in my life.

In the first few days I was crying until I always threw up. It’s truly awful and I would have done anything to stop that pain.

But what’s kept me going is that once the pain was over I wouldn’t have to go through it again.

If he comes back to try you risk in the future possibly having to go through all of this again. Could you handle that? I couldn’t.

Yes sorry, you don’t need the gym if you can get friends to watch DC go for a run outside or do a workout DVD. Really helps with the anger.

Stop listening to your heart and let your logical mind take over.

My heart has truly been murdered and is broken into a thousand pieces.

But my head is telling me, that realistically I:

Have dodged a bullet as this man is not/never was right for me.

Will eventually stop feeling so hurt.

Will eventually one day find something who matches my love, effort and loyalty.

Will spot the signs in the future of the “wrong” type of man.

And that I really will be ok in the end.

And all the while my heart is screaming NO YOUR LIFE IS OVER YOU NEED THIS MAN!

I’m ignoring my heart entirely! The heart wants what the heart wants. In my case it’s a narcissistic, mentally damaged serial liar and cheat.

So my head is like, girl please?!

I’m listening to my head. You should too. You know that you and your kids are better than this and worth so much more. X

No it's totally normal to think this way! All part of the grieving process!!

I've had so many ups and downs but I see every one as getting further on in the process!

I agree with Simon, do not feel bad for the way you are feeling.

All of what you are feeling really is normal and I know this is probably not going to be what you want to hear but you have to let yourself feel the pain and go through it.

If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like going to bed as soon as the kids are asleep, do it.

We are all here for you, keep posting and we will support each other.

Absolutely blows my mind just how many people are sadly in the same situation.

I honestly don’t understand people these days. How someone can walk away from a family that loves them, I just can not comprehend.

Definitely feel your feelings!! I've been talking to an online councillor weekly for about 3 weeks. I need to stop it soon as it's pricey but it has helped loads. She explained all my feelings to me and why I'm feeling them etc.

thegirlracer you're speaking a lot of sense. I will keep re-reading your post until it gets into my head. 4 weeks is no time at all but the fact you're capable of thinking like that, despite what your heart is saying, shows how far you've come.
I can't comprehend how anyone could walk away from so much either. Nor how many people are in this same boat. It's so incredibly lonely yet there are so many of us.
I'm not usually a very emotional person, definitely bottle things up, but I have been letting it out today. I've spent most of the day doing some sort of awful howl, my neighbours will be wondering what on earth is going on. But like you say simon I need to feel it to move on from it.
Starting to take some control of finances, I've applied for benefits and will evaluate spending. Also done some exercise outside, even if I did sob through most of it

You are doing so well! Honestly you are.

And as I said, 4 weeks in for me and I’m by no means anywhere near coming out the other side yet...however my logical mind has started to take over my heart and I certainly feel a lot better and more emotionally stable since the day it happened...so honestly time helps!

The first week I was sobbing everywhere. At work, in the car, in the supermarket, in the middle of the might.

It really doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing if you need to cry, do it and don’t be ashamed.

You loved this man with all of your heart and soul and there is absolutely no shame in being a loving person.

I loved my ex in every way a person can be loved and it killed me to realise how little he thought of me.

However instead of dwelling on that, I praised myself for being loving and loyal to him, thanked myself for having those qualities. And realised that these are qualities I can use in the future for a man who DOES love me back and a man who does actually deserve it.

Thank you thegirlracer I am definitely looking forward to more emotionally stable. Nowhere is off limits for my tears at the moment!
It is that realisation that no matter what you do or say, it doesn't matter because they've gone, it isn't enough. But it will be more than enough for someone someday, even if that someone is me and my beautiful dc. Just takes a little time to come to terms with that.
I'm still aghast that he can leave me to pick up the pieces and do all this by myself. I've hurt myself today (not on purpose I might add!) but I can't slack off and go to bed or take a bath, just got to power on til dc bedtime. But this is how it's going to be now.

Power through until bedtime then do whatever you need to do for yourself! Just set yourself lots of small goals!

simon small goals are definitely my aim at the moment. I made it to bedtime and am going to have a lovely long hot shower, clean pj's and early night. Feel totally wrung out today but I've made it through. It's a week since he left and I've done it, with a lot of help from kind family, friends and strangers

Amazing. Enjoy your shower and I hope you get some sleep!! Before you know it it will be a month, 6 months, a year and you'll be in a while different headspace! That's how I think of it for myself anyway!

Did you manage to sleep last night x

I dont sleep or eat this is awful I dont no what to do to make him wang me back

I did get a bit thanks Simon though up early again. Doing every early morning is starting to grind me down a little, feels a bit like groundhog day.
Sorry you're feeling like this Becky I know what you're going through. I'm learning fast that you can't make somebody want something, or have feelings if they're just not there. It's so tough and I haven't accepted it by any means but keep repeating it to myself. I can't make him come back and I can't make him try. What I can do is keep posting on here, getting wonderful support from fantastic people who have come through this, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can too

@Becky2190 you can't make them want you back. The best thing to do is work on yourself. Get yourself in the best place you can possibly be. You'll maybe find you don't need him anymore. Im working on myself for me!

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt I'm
Glad you managed to sleep. I'm feeling a bit blah and like Groundhog Day today. Every day the same grinds you down. I think I need to force myself to get out and do something!

Maybe you can tell I've read A LOT of self help books! Haha trying to convince myself

simon I hope you've managed to get out. I went to see a friend and we talked lots and cried. It's so very sad.
But, he came to see dc today. We talked more, a lot of it repeating what has already been said but what became a tiny bit clearer is just how unhappy we've both been, it's like I've had a glance at it from a different perspective and can see that it wasn't working for either of us. Whilst it still dominates my thoughts that 'we could've made it work' there's a sneaking thought in there saying 'no, you couldn't. Just because that would make this pain go away temporarily, you wouldn't be happy. Not truly'.
I'm still frightened that I'll not meet somebody else and be in a happy relationship, but I need to let that thought take a back seat so I can be happy in myself first.

I went to my parents for dinner and it was really nice! My sister was there with her baby and I had lots of cuddles and wine haha

Hope you've had a good day @KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt

Glad you had a nice time simon sounds like a lovely way to spend the day. My day yesterday started terribly but ended OK, and I've been OK today as well actually. I don't expect it will last but I'm enjoying the break from the constant sadness. It's still playing through my mind all the time but I think I've let go of the "he might come back" and really, it's too late on both sides now. I suppose its the start of acceptance.
I forced myself out today and glad I did, I can't be a hermit! It's tough enough during the week when friends are working etc so I need to make the most of weekends when people are about.
Going to sit down tonight after dc in bed and try to plan my week out a bit so I have some structure. Plans are definitely the way to go. Also found another job to apply for, it's not perfect but I can't hold out for perfect or I'll never get on my feet.
How's everyone else?

Good you have some focus. It is still early days. I still have moments of being sad. 18 months on. You are doing so well. Be proud of yourself

My husband today as told me there is no chance he will ever get back with me and that we need to move on and that I text him.the same every day begging him to come back . I feel now j need to keep my dignity and no contact needs to come in play only about the children. Hes had no time to miss me as I've just been begging for a week. Or most proberly it is over

@Becky2190 no contact is good as it gives you some headspace. It's really difficult but now I communicate with my ex re the kids.

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt really good that you got out! Definitely helps. I still get the little voice saying he might come back but I try and ignore it. If I'm having a down day I start obsessing about it and I have to tell myself out loud to stop!

@Becky2190 I know what a hard habit it is too break. Just take it hour by hour if necessary. Write a journal or draft e mails. Or anything to stop you texting ex. I had many begging draft e mails that I am embarrassed by now and so glad I did not send them. But it helps to pour it all out. I still do it now when I'm angry at my ex. I refuse to engage. That just gives him and ow/gf fuel no reaction is best. They are left wondering that way.

Stay strong. And focus on you and getting yourself to a better place.

eve34 thank you. You give some very kind, sound advice and I hate that we have this shared experience but I'm grateful that you post about it
Becky it's really tough only having contact about the dc. I know how tempting it is to beg, annoyingly I've done it too, but it dawned on me that it wasn't working and every time I put myself out there and put my heart and promises on the line, as soon as they were rejected I felt even worse.
I know this is hard and horrid to hear but there just isn't an alternative. Time to take care of yourself. I just withdrew in a bit of self-pity and self-preservation at first.
simon ha I'm glad I'm not the only one that has to instruct myself out loud! It does hel though doesn't it. As did getting out. I made an excuse at first but then forced myself and I'm so glad I did, broke the day up for me.
I'm tempted to message ow's ex-dp. I don't know what I'll gain from it, probably nothing. I don't want to know anything about them, I sort of want to ask him if he's OK and let him know he's not alone. It's a bad idea isn't it?

Yes definitely a bad idea!!! Maybe try writing what you would say to him in a notepad or something so you can get it out of your head?

I was tempted to do the same and I just thought of the worst possible scenario like what If he is violent and he kills her because he is so angry or whatever.