He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

simon I've told some family and close friends. I can't face telling the rest, it's so final. Dc is too young to understand, hopefully they won't remember any of this. That's sad in itself, that dc won't remember any different to us being apart and not seeing dad much.
I need to sort out benefits and solicitors but it will have to wait until dc in childcare so it's uninterrupted.
I'm so full of regret and I know that's not logical, things just could have been so different. Sorry just writing what I'm feeling.

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt It only natural to feel like you do. This is the person you planned to spend your life with. And you are still adjusting.

I have to be honest and say at any point my ex ce back in the last 18 months and said let's make this work I would of. I miss him. Us and the family.

But for the person who was meant to be there for you always. to go looking for someone else and to actual have an internist relationship with them. Is not someone who has your back.

It is good the house is secure. Go through bills and stop paying anything that is his. Car insurance. Phone bills etc. Confirm in an email. You have agreed his contact will be every Sunday 10-6pm. Or whatever it is you have agreed. Moving forward to over nights once he has a place to stay. I know it is t what you want. I promise you it gets more bearable.

Also that he has agreed to pay x in maintenance. Which will be reviewed annually online with Cms calculations.

Start packing up his things. Show him you mean business. Get everything together in a spare room or garage. Move the furniture around and buy new bedding.

It is only today when ex didn't pay me back some money I lent him that I have finally drawn a line. 18 months. And some shitty behaviour and I still see the good in him. He knows he has made a mistake. He has nothing and his life is a mess. I am sure it won't always be. But I take some comfort in knowing I was right. Life goes on and it isn't easy we just have to make the best of it.

Time to take some control away from him.

Op, please stop blaming yourself and your issues for his actions.

He is the one who chose to get close to another woman. He chose to walk away.

You seem to be saying "I'd I'd paid him more attention he wouldn't have strayed" yes, he would have.

This is about your shortcomings, it's all about his. Find your anger.

eve34 thanks. It isn't what I want at all but I'm coming to realise that what I want doesn't matter any more because its all happening regardless.
I've moved the stuff of his that I can out of sight. He hasn't sorted anywhere to live yet and won't for a few weeks so I'll have to put up with it for now. I'm dreading him taking stuff tbh. I know I've said it before but the finality, the suddenness, it's so sickening.
Contact is agreed, child maintenance agreed and he's said he'll keep paying the bills as long as I need. I can't bank on this so as I said before, I'll sort benefits. This is such a step back for me but needs must.
Does anyone have any recommendations for books to help self esteem? I'm on the waiting list for counselling but at times I have moments of proactivity to work on myself and a book would be a positive distraction.
I know what you're saying newschapter and my RL support is saying the same. I haven't got to anger yet but no doubt it will come. I just never thought I'd be in this situation.

Does anyone have any recommendations for books to help self esteem?

Leave a Cheater: Gain A Life by Tracey Schorn
Unf*ck Yourself by Gary John Bishop
The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle

It will get better OP I promise

Breaking upwards is good and one i forget the name but the author is Susan I Elliot I think.

Thanks for the recommendations. I'm just charging my kindle, I expect it will be good company for me for a while.
I hope this sick/pounding heart feeling wears off really soon.

There is also one called it's called a break up because it's broken which is meant to be good!

Thanks, I've downloaded a few books and they're helping a little. With something to do if nothing else.
I'm finding things tough on every level. Physically I'm struggling to eat very much at all. It's strange how the hunger just disappears. Mentally it's hard, so many books and people advise no contact to get over it but that's just not possible with dc is it. Trying to limit contact to only about dc but I get carried away. It's all so pointless though, nothing I can say/have said will bring him back here to try. Need to realise I'm doing myself a disservice with the desperation. It's disheartening to read how long it takes to feel brighter, I suppose I'm being impatient. When I think about him coming back I try to persuade myself it would be no use anyway because the damage is done, I just don't believe it yet.

I know exactly how you feel. I've also found as time goes on and he does more twattish things it makes me want him less.

I found re the no contact that of you delete their number and write it down somewhere that it's there if you need it but you won't be able to text or call without having to go and find the number.

Try writing your feelings down in a notebook or on a computer file. I find it helpful and also you can read it back and helps you see you're feeling better!

Keep posting on this thread. I started a thread 8 weeks ago when my ex h left. It's still going. I just sort of ramble on it and people come in and post on it sometimes and it's nice. It helps.

I've found your thread and will read it tonight Simon as you're a but further on than me I'm hoping for inspiration!
Annoyingly I know his number by heart. I've changed his details to keep things more formal though.
I started writing in a notebook at the same time I started this thread. It helps a little to get my thoughts down on paper, the good the bad and the really ugly. It's hard reading but I'm hoping one day it helps!
Would like to keep posting on here but fear people are sick of reading. Feeling pathetic!

They won't be!

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Always good to have a sounding board. Keep posting. You will keep getting support and guidance. It is invaluable. Hope you have managed to eat more today.

No one will be sick of you posting don't worry. I can only echo what others have said, it will hurt like hell right now but the hurt WILL fade and you'll be happy again. Keep posting on here x

Also here to listen, I think it’s really brave of you to post

Just wondering how you are feeling today OP?

It’s really hard when you don’t know where the hell you stand with your emotions. One minute you’re ok the next in tears. But you just have to ride out the pain and eventually, you will come out the other side

Thank you for checking in on me, I'll try to keep posting. I've found reading others threads of coming out the other side helpful, I hope I can be one of those.
I have eaten a little more today, well I've had dinner. I was looking very pale and felt quite weak, I need to keep on top of that but I just forget to eat or think ill have something later.
Its funny naps I don't feel brave at all, someone said yesterday "you're doing so well" but the hard fact is that I have no choice but to function and be responsible or I'm risking my dc. The lack of choice about everything makes me want to bang my head against the wall.
I suppose I could choose to come out of this stronger and more confident. Or wallow. That's up to me now.
I haven't been quite as tearful today, it's not been as constant, though when a wave of reality hits its hard and I've had a few moments!

You're doing amazing!!

I'm going through similar . But there is no other woman .. my husband left after 12 years we have 5 and 7 year old is the 3rd time he has left me saying he is no longer in love and feels there is somthing missing I am devastated but half of me thinks.. let him go find it after a few months if freedom and being on his own he will realise.

You are doing really well honestly! If all you are doing at this moment in time is keeping your and you dc alive each day then honestly that is enough!

Also I know that this will probably be the LAST thing you want to do but I cannot recommend the gym enough.

Stop pining for him and start to be angry at him. Find your angry. And then once you have found your angry, go for it at the gym. When I say go for it, I mean go for it. Pound that treadmill until you’re a hot sweaty mess and take all of your anger out on it. You will come out feeling better for it. And that’s just the mental health part, as an added bonus you will end up with a hot body

Can I ask what your contact is like? I’m a few weeks into my break up now and I realised what was holding up my healing was still chatting to him (mostly by text) like a mate. I didn’t even realise I was doing it. I put a stop to that today and only talk to him if it’s something about DS.

That has really help. Contact is about the kids ONLY. This should help!

Sorry to hear that Becky it sounds rough that he's left and come back too, really messing with your emotions. Are you hoping that he will come back?
I never thought my H would stray, he was so moral, loyal and principled yet here I am. I now understand when people say on here "any man can cheat".
thegirlracer yes everybody fed, nobody dead is the motto for now. I'm just doing the best I can but I find myself exhausted and short tempered.
I see your point about the gym, I'll try and up my exercise when dc not here. No way could I do gym membership at the moment but no reason I can't do more to push myself.

Oh I forgot to reply to your last bit thegirlracer yes I was making the mistake of talking a lot too. It would start off about the dc or some other important matter but go back to 'what if' and 'I wish' and ultimately raking over it with me feeling increasing despair that he won't try and fix things. So I'm trying to put a stop to that too and managed it yesterday. How far on are you, have you told me already?

Hugs to everyone that's going through this. Especially OP. It's absolutely horrendous. Like a bereavement only the person isn't dead. In the same way the emotions and pain will come in waves, as will the healing. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck.

I always think I'd be better off if he was dead. You get all the sympathy, they can't do things that upset you anymore, there are ceremonies etc to help you grieve, people don't put a time limit on your grief and you don't lose their side of the family

Thanks felicity I glimpse the light occasionally before I seem to fall again. It is very much like a bereavement and I agree with simon that grief from a death is somehow more socially acceptable and people seem more understanding. I've told three of my closest friends and only one of them seems to care which is adding to the hurt. But it is a grief, I feel like part of me is gone and I have so much love to give. I only wanted to give it to him and can't imagine trusting somebody else with my heart. At the moment the loss of a future I had planned out. No more support with that, I have to do it on my own. I also feel cheated for my dc who will miss out on so much, won't remember being part of a family with mum and dad and no chance of a sibling.
Sorry this is all really self pitying isn't it.