Is there any point continuing? HELP NEEDED

[Timeforadvice2019]

Hi all. Brand new here!
My partner of 9 years left her email account open and I went snooping. At first nothing, then stumbled across a few deleted emails.
She wrote out 1 short and two long emails to podcasts asking for advice. She was asking if a male work colleague was just a friend or was there more to it. At the work Christmas party they held hands, cuddled (in front of people in hotel room) and didn't leave each others side the whole night. Then after that on another work night out they left the others and went off together. He bought all her drinks and she ended up sick. He looked after her, held her hair back etc. Always giving lifts to work and even changed his work pattern to suit her. Also asked if she would go away for a week with work with him.

I confronted her and she said it was just a blip. She was feeling down and we weren't getting on well. I found out that he was cheating on by best friend, she got pregnant and now their together. She swears blind nothing has happened between them. Well I kept asking and questioning and she finally broke. She dropped the dreaded I love you but no in love.

We have 3 beautiful children and she doesn't want me to loose out time with them if I move out. She even mentioned I could live out of the spare room. Well I told her the ball is in her court and I will either try and make it work between us or I then just move out. So my main question is, should I wait for her to decide what she wants?

Thanks in advance.

Anyone around for advice?

What more can we say? It's all been said, OP. There's no magic way to glue it all back together. It looks as though she's checked out, so all you can do is to try and protect those children as best you can by working on it together.

So no going back or fixing it from here?

op - you sound like you really want to fix it - you need to talk to your partner im afraid and ask her this question.

what does she want? have you asked?

you both need to be honest.

I feel for you OP. You sound like you know the relationship with your wife is over but you fear upsetting your children and worry about another man being in their lives. It's so tough. Your wife sounds as though she doesn't want you, but doesn't fancy the upheaval and inconvenience of splitting. I stayed with my DH for the sake of our children (and if I'm honest, for convenience) and it was the right decision for them and for me. It wasn't easy but we worked through it over the years and are in a really good place now. DC are adults with their own lives and DH and I have a good life together. In our case there was no one else involved, which makes a difference. I would suggest couples counselling if your wife is willing. If she isn't then that tells you something. Good luck.

It's over to be honest..tried to call her tonight as she is out but no reply. Texted but no reply

You could be my STBEXH from last year OP.

I brought up the subject on 2 occasions about how unhappy I was. We even discussed what would happen in a split (IE he move out etc), he wanted counselling to fix it, I told him I didnt want to fix it. All pretty clear cut signs of I was done. But still he left it up to me. I knew what he wanted, which was to cling on to a very poor relationship, just to keep me and the family together. I resented being put in that position. It was very clear where my head was at. But once again, it was all left to me to decide. So in December, after enduring Christmas, I told him it was over.

He hadn't bothered to take me seriously and had saved nothing so couldn't afford to move out. We are still living together. It's excruciating for everyone and I'm pissed off that he has put us in this position by basically refusing to act. The DCs are suffering from his moods and I have been signed off work with stress.

I feel for you OP, but your marriage is over. Your wife doesn't love you. Move on now before it gets bitter and resentful. Don't sit and wait for her to make the decision. She has told you loud and clear already. You just need to accept it.

Hi Newme2019. Thanks for the reply. I think you and everyone are right. It's dead end. Nothing to salvage.

Sadly I agree OP. It is a shame when it's not what you want, and I genuinely feel for my ex as I know he's really struggling with it, but sometimes it's just best to move on.

It’s really hard, tho. Look after yourself. Make sure you eat, sleep etc. Go to the dr if you need to (nothing to be ashamed of in needing a bit more help). Just take care of yourself. You sound lovely, and you deserve better!

Thank you guys! Most advice on here has been brilliant.

If anyone else has anything to add I'd be very grateful.

Sorry to be blunt but she only wants you there for childcare and because she doesn’t want to look bad......don’t be a mug.

Have you asked her outright if she wants to try to salvage/fix/however you want to put it? (Sorry if you have and I just haven't seen it).

She said tonight before going out that she's in two minds. Weather to give it one last go or end it.

Sorry I've just seen this.

If she's genuine, what does she think needs to happen for you to 'give it a go'?

Ard you also getting nights out while she watches your kids, by the way?

Also try to get some food into you, anything.

And sleep; you don't have to lie in bed feeling miserable, try lying on the couch watching something not noisy on TV and see if you drift off. Also try listening to some white noise/baby white noise while lying down.

Did you look into 180?

Whether you try to salvage things or not; I really think you would benefit from concentrating on yourself; get a haircut if you haven't had once recently, get some new clothes if you haven't bought anything recently (go to a shop with a stylist/advisor and get done suggestions), try a new aftershave, do you do any sports/exercise? Would you like to try any new ones? Is there anything you'd like to pick up again? Do you have many hobbies/activities? If she gets time out while you look after the kids, you are entitled to exactly the same.

On the sleep front, people seem to have success with some antihistamines etc. - to get you over the hump;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/style_and_beauty/2521953-Over-the-counter-sleeping-tablets-that-actually-work-do-they-exist

(John Lewis is supposed to be good for free stylist/personal shopper).

There no romantic relationship between you and your wife to salvage. Sorry.

But. You can if you both want to establish a respectful coparenting relationship. Try not to think about “meal ticket” comments or bitterness. Just think about it that she’s fallen out of love with you and you deserve someone who loves you 100%.

Can you afford a flat or another house nearby in the same school catchment? How can your week work with both your jobs and the kids?
Obviously they need to be with her when you’re working nights or evenings as there won’t be any paid childcare available. Start with that and see how it plans out.

Now today as been an odd one. We were up until 3am chatting and talking about things. She has been planing on swapping rooms with the boys so they get the bigger bedroom. Well she mentioned it again today and we agreed to make the move and swap the rooms over. We finished about 20:30 tonight.
She kept saying 'our' bedroom. We can decorate our bedroom this way etc. Again this evening we had a talk about general stuff whilst led in bed and it's been normal so to speak.
What is happening here?

Anyone?

Sounds like she is unable to make up her mind. As other posters have said, she wishes to take advantage of the status quo with you there for childcare but may not be 100% committed to the relationship. If you take false hope from her pretending to nest with you, you may end up hurt. Counselling might help you both decide to stay together, or to separate well.

Why did you split up the first time?

Try couples counselling, it might help your relationship. You need to have a good relationship with her no matter what. You have children together who need their parents to co parent effectively, whether the parents are still together or not.
Its clear you still want your wife, if she wants (being emotionally blackmailed don't count) you could try to save it together. Things would need to be changed. What does she and you both want from your relationship? What are your expectations of each other? Discuss it. Write them down. Have regular reviews where both of you discuss the relationship. The good, the bad and possible improvements.

She is possibly accidentally giving you false hope. She might have referred it as 'our' bedroom as a force of habit. Not because she wants to share a bedroom.