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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there any point continuing? HELP NEEDED

152 replies

Timeforadvice2019 · 01/06/2019 02:39

Hi all. Brand new here!
My partner of 9 years left her email account open and I went snooping. At first nothing, then stumbled across a few deleted emails.
She wrote out 1 short and two long emails to podcasts asking for advice. She was asking if a male work colleague was just a friend or was there more to it. At the work Christmas party they held hands, cuddled (in front of people in hotel room) and didn't leave each others side the whole night. Then after that on another work night out they left the others and went off together. He bought all her drinks and she ended up sick. He looked after her, held her hair back etc. Always giving lifts to work and even changed his work pattern to suit her. Also asked if she would go away for a week with work with him.

I confronted her and she said it was just a blip. She was feeling down and we weren't getting on well. I found out that he was cheating on by best friend, she got pregnant and now their together. She swears blind nothing has happened between them. Well I kept asking and questioning and she finally broke. She dropped the dreaded I love you but no in love.

We have 3 beautiful children and she doesn't want me to loose out time with them if I move out. She even mentioned I could live out of the spare room. Well I told her the ball is in her court and I will either try and make it work between us or I then just move out. So my main question is, should I wait for her to decide what she wants?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Tilikum · 03/06/2019 15:53

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets

So you’re a cheat, who nags about tidiness (I’ll bet my last fiver you don’t do any meaningful housework), you pester for sex and have arguments over the lack of it and you check her emails.

What a guy.

^^ Agreed

OP Do you really not understand why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you? You sound awful. Also, your claims about being used as a meal ticket dont seem to have much substance considering you are being housed by your wife's family.

Original poster
Timeforadvice2019 · 03/06/2019 16:45

I sound awful? Thank you...

I've come here for relationship advice, not to be put down.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 03/06/2019 17:14

MN is very intolerant of cheaters op.

If you'd included it in your op, you'd have seen that a lot sooner.

Butteredghost · 03/06/2019 21:44

Well given that OPs main complaint is that his wife had a flirtation with another man, and he is so devastated about this "cheating", it does seem relevant information that he has also cheated, going as far as having unprotected sex with a women, most likely many times.

Butteredghost · 03/06/2019 21:56

OP maybe part of the problem is that you are spending ages analysing things like whether she says "my" or "our" bedroom, and her leaving the cupboard open. But things like the fact that you are a known cheat yourself, who impregnated another women while dw was at home with your young child, and also she doesn't like sex but you go ahead anyway, aren't even considerations in your mind.

"It was ages ago, I don't think about it" - if it's that easy then why is this whole thing upsetting you, why not just forget the email you read/dw comments and don't think about it. Or that only works for your cheating?

Original poster
Timeforadvice2019 · 02/07/2019 21:10

Hi all, update on situation and more advice needed.
We have spent the past month trying to make it work. She has said sorry and maintains they're just work colleagues. I found texts last week between them, he gave her a lift on Wednesday although she says she gets the bus. Friendly chat etc but does seem more work related.
It plays on my mind a lot.
My question is, should I confront him, as I know of him?

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 03/07/2019 00:36

Oh for gods sake!
Do you enjoy the drama of this or something?

As a woman, my gut says you're being strung along and used until a better option comes along for her.
She TOLD you she wasn't in love with you - why are you settling for second best?
She will shag you because that's your weak point and she knows how to use sex to keep you hooked.
Of course she tells you to hurry up because she doesn't actually want to have sex with you - she's used all sorts of excuses to avoid it as much as possible for the last 8 years.
She's blatantly playing you and knows she can use sex and the kids to keep you hooked and at her beck and call.
She willingly cheated with another man and is still doing it.

Find your dignity and self respect and end this charade.
Or you can just wait until she finds someone else and kicks you out.

When/if you end things, don't let her dictate where you live or allow her to manipulate you by using the kids.
Find your own place, work out when you can have the kids according to your work schedule and set up a routine.
If you can do 50/50 - great.
If not, you'll have to pay maintenance.
She won't think twice about upping and leaving with the kids if she meets a new man and they want to move far away, so be smart and get a Prohibitive Steps Order so she can't if that day ever comes.

You can't trust her so stop being a mug.

Original poster
Timeforadvice2019 · 03/07/2019 00:56

SavingSpaces- thank you for the reply. Your input it's much appreciated.
I want to give it one final try. With trying and making an effort, she is doing alot more than she used to. As sex was mentioned in your post, we have and it more in the past month than I can ever remember. It's often passionate too. But you think it's just a ploy to keep me sweet and keep the money flowing?
No mention of confronting him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeforadvice2019 · 03/07/2019 07:44

Anyone else have advice?

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 03/07/2019 08:49

I'm sorry, but you lost me at "I cheated and got some random pregnant".

I think that is exactly the point that you lost your wife also.

Women are quite complex creatures. We (in my opinion) tend to be utterly devoted to a man until he breaks the bond, and then all is lost. It often takes years to detach, but detach we will. The man at work has shown your wife that she is still desirable (despite you pointing out that she hasn't lost the baby weight - charming).

I'm sorry, but I think it's over.

And the fact you cheated (and didn't use protection even) says to me that you don't really love your wife in the way that she deserves.

Sadiesnakes · 03/07/2019 09:32

Ugghhhh, you sound like a prince among menHmm

Advice? Let your wife move on with someone decent.

Original poster
Timeforadvice2019 · 03/07/2019 11:47

Various people on here keep going back to one mistake I made many many years ago. Yes a huge mistake but a lot has happened since then. There seems to be no positivity on here.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 03/07/2019 11:53

How would you feel if your wife cheated and the other man got her pregnant? This isn't just a "mistake" is a game changer. Are you minimising what you did? The fact you call the OW a "random" is weird too.

sadkoala · 03/07/2019 12:13

Agree with PPs. You wrote earlier how the cheating was a long time ago and you forgot about it. Really?

You fucked someone else and got them pregnant which is pretty much one of the worst things you can do to your other half and it doesn't even cross your mind how badly you fucked up anymore?

She might have stayed with you initially but I find a lot of the time with trauma like that the breakdown happens over years not the first few months after. The feeling will be stewing and she will be overthinking and believe it or not but it will be massively affecting her to this day.

Huskylover1 · 03/07/2019 12:29

Many many years ago? How many exactly?

Original poster
Timeforadvice2019 · 03/07/2019 12:40

Around 6 years ago

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 03/07/2019 12:43

That's not that long ago, imo. And you'd been with your wife for 3 years at that point. Oh dear. This is not a small mistake. It's HUGE.

Original poster
Timeforadvice2019 · 03/07/2019 12:52

Why would she go on to have 2 other children with me?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/07/2019 13:41

All you want to know is whether to confront this bloke.

It might be the final nail in this coffin to get one of you to act. It won't save your relationship, it'll kill it dead. Your wife won't appreciate it because she has to work with these people who will all find out about it.

So go for it, it might give the closure you both need to split up properly and move on with your lives.

Original poster
Timeforadvice2019 · 03/07/2019 13:51

So talking to him won't do any good?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/07/2019 14:30

Depends on what you want to get out of it. It won't save your marriage no, it won't make your wife look at you as her hero for chasing off the opposition.

It might get do you good in that it'll end things properly though which seems to be the sensible solution. Your kids don't deserve to live in this atmosphere where their parents are preoccupied with themselves.

Original poster
Timeforadvice2019 · 03/07/2019 16:18

I'm still really confused as to what to do

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 03/07/2019 17:13

For your sake, your wife's sake and all of our sake can you please just separate so we don't have to listen to your whining anymore.

SharkAttack1972 · 03/07/2019 23:13

You sound whiny, childish and annoying. your wife is probably sick of you. You say you are her 'meal ticket' However, you are whimpering away in her family home? Get out, get your own place and stop being so weak. I feel embarrassed for you!!

EAIOU · 03/07/2019 23:46

I think you're paranoid because of your own actions.

I wouldn't choose to stay with you either. She probably has switched off because of what you've done.

She's the mother of your children and you moan about being tidy and lack of passionate sex. I doubt she trusts you either.

Stop giving her a hard time when shes done nothing wrong. Get over your own insecurities brought on by YOU cheating.

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