Is there any point continuing? HELP NEEDED

[Timeforadvice2019]

Hi all. Brand new here!
My partner of 9 years left her email account open and I went snooping. At first nothing, then stumbled across a few deleted emails.
She wrote out 1 short and two long emails to podcasts asking for advice. She was asking if a male work colleague was just a friend or was there more to it. At the work Christmas party they held hands, cuddled (in front of people in hotel room) and didn't leave each others side the whole night. Then after that on another work night out they left the others and went off together. He bought all her drinks and she ended up sick. He looked after her, held her hair back etc. Always giving lifts to work and even changed his work pattern to suit her. Also asked if she would go away for a week with work with him.

I confronted her and she said it was just a blip. She was feeling down and we weren't getting on well. I found out that he was cheating on by best friend, she got pregnant and now their together. She swears blind nothing has happened between them. Well I kept asking and questioning and she finally broke. She dropped the dreaded I love you but no in love.

We have 3 beautiful children and she doesn't want me to loose out time with them if I move out. She even mentioned I could live out of the spare room. Well I told her the ball is in her court and I will either try and make it work between us or I then just move out. So my main question is, should I wait for her to decide what she wants?

Thanks in advance.

The things that make me think it's probably not salvageable are the 'love but not in live', 'very unhappy', and no sex drive towards you for a long time.

Thing is even if it is salvageable, its up to her to act/change - as youre not the one who doesn't love her anymore or has no sex drive was towards her etc.

You could suggest counseling but I don't know if it will work.

She seems to be suggesting you live in the spare room, which would be very handy for her childcare arrangements (!) But you're not 'together' and she's free to get involved with the work colleague (whose situation sounds fucked up incidentally) or whoever else .. if you still love her, that'd be awful for you. Of course you're free to go out with people and sleep with people too but ..

Just sounds like s way of being hurt while making everything very convenient for her.

You could also look into the 180 approach for you - which I think is applicable whether the relationship is salvageable or not.

I think you're 100% right about convenience. She was feeling down in April so I gave her money to buy new clothes and she willingly accepted. Well that was the 5th of April and the first long email to the podcast was 4th of April. I said to her how fucked up is that...she said sorry. I feel like a huge mug. My close friend says I'm just a meal ticket. All the reg flags are there however I'm still questioning what we should do.

Please explain the 180 approach

www.reddit.com › how_d...
How does the 180 approach work if separated? : survivinginfidelity ...

I don't think that link is working.

If you Google 180 approach, you'll get lots of summaries/info.

@ISmellBabies to be fair to the OP we don't know what sort of sex life they have, I didn't enjoy sex with my exH but desperately wanted to so I would initiate it and go through with it willingly. I think calling the OP a rapist is unkind and uncalled for.

Thank you. I will research 180. Anyone else have an opinion?

Many thanks

Calling a spade a spade here. She wasn't saying "I desperately want to" op admitted it was clear she got nothing from it and was telling him to hurry up and stop.

If you know someone gets nothing out of sex with you, isn't enjoying it, and literally tells you to hurry up to get it over with, would you carry on until you got your jolly or would you be so mortified you would immediately stop? I wouldn't continue having sex with someone when I realised they didn't like it, much less moan about their showing how much they didn't like it, as if vocalising their wish for me to stop having sex with them was an inconvenience for me to get over while still having sex with them. Because I'm not a rapist.

It's not unkind to state the facts. Her feelings matter too, she's a person, not just a hole for him to use. If you don't like how it sounds when someone says back to you the things you have openly admitted then change what you do. It's not me making you sound bad, it's you doing something bad.

But YOU weren't there, you don't know what she said. You've taken a snapshot from a post and extrapolated it into the OP being a rapist. I've been raped twice and will never, EVER be a rape apologist but I genuinely don't think OP is a rapist. He's obviously hurting right now and I don't think calling him a rapist is helpful. I'm sure he'll reflect on this in future and make sure he gets enthusiastic consent from now on, but for now he needs support dealing with the breakup of his marriage NOT being berated. There's a time and a place and I don't think this is it.

Oh you're not a rape apologist but can we leave him alone, he's having a bad day?! How was his wife's day while she was lying there with his penis in her asking him to hurry up and stop?
But oh i forgot, they're married, so it wasn't really RAPE rape was it? And sometimes she even gave consent so it wasn't ALWAYS rape. I mean, that's barely even (however many) rapes. Yeah totally acceptable, that's fine. Not sure what i was even thinking mentioning it really! I must ve really horrible. Totally my fault. Nothing to see here. It's fine.

Anyone else have constructive input?

Apologies OP. I'm going to bow out because I just don't have the headspace to argue about rape right now.

Me neither. They don't know the full story

IsmellBabies you have no reason to believe she was forced to agree, and yes it is possible to consent and not enjoy or even want to enjoy the sex you consented to. Which is what it sounds more like. she didn't have the nerve to start a discussion about the problems, instead she agreed to sex she didn't want at home, and then went and had an affair. there is no reason to assume OP is some sort of monster that drove her to it: she is an adult and she made these choices. If she wants to come along and post a question about the potentially non-consenting consent she gave, she could, but this isn't her post. this is the post of someone whose partner had an affair and is struggling to move into the separation and divorce stage. you aren't helping OP, or OP's partner who isn't even here asking for help.

Does holding hands and cuddle someone Infront of people class as an affair?

She said tonight before going out that she's in two minds. Weather to give it one last go or end it. Part wants to give it one last go. Am I insane?

"She also said she lost her sex drive after having first born, he's now 8. She gets nothing out of sex with me. It's usually hurry up*."

ISmellBabies,* I read this as her recently - as part of their pivotal conversation -admitting that she had lost her sex drive and now gets nothing out of sex. It doesn't necessarily follow that she has spent the last 8 years enduring marital rape. How was op supposed to know how she felt if she didn't articulate it? 'Hurry up' is not uncommon in a marriage with three young children. Wild enthusiastic abandon is often replaced with something more perfunctory.

OP, if it was me I'd be going to stay with my parents for a few weeks. Let her experience life without you. Think about what you want to happen next, because she doesn't get to make all the decisions. It sounds as if contact arrangements will be difficult to arrange, given your shift patterns but not impossible. See a solicitor to get a more accurate picture, and check online how much CM you will be expected to pay.

It sounds as if she is in a good position renting a house from her aunt, which is as it should be, of course you want your dc cared for. But are there other marital assets that will need to be split?

I've just noticed your last post. I always think that when you have dc you owe it to them to do everything you can to save the relationship. But tread cautiously, because to me it sounds like she just doesn't want to lose the cosy set up and childcare you provide. Why are you letting her dictate everything? So you can limp along for another 2, 3, 10 unsatisfactory years?

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It's her mum not her aunt that owns our house. To be honest I think if we try a break for a few weeks, we wouldn't get back together. I did move out for a month (had a flat, was also her mum's). This was before 3rd child came along. We got back together and seemed to get along better. Had I not seen the emails, I do wonder how long she would of kept quiet about everything.

As I mentioned earlier, my friend calls me a meal ticket. So what you're saying and other posters have said is very similar. I guess I'm struggling to get the balls to blow my children's life's apart.

If you stayed in the house with the dc, and she moved out, I doubt whether MIL would chuck you and her dgc out. It's probably time your wife moved into the flat. And don't take any notice of ismellbabies ranting on about rape. She sounds unbalanced; maybe with an axe to grind.

Thanks for the reply. The flat is already occupied so not an option. Is there really nothing to salvage here? Since I found the emails at the start of the week, I've hardly eaten or slept. Although still going to work.

To me, if a nine year relationship has already endured a separation, a near-affair and a 'love you but not in love with you' conversation, it's over.

Why not separate and co parent amicably, before you come to resent or hate each other, before years of sexless misery, before one of you goes looking for a proper affair?

You haven't blown your children's lives apart. Your wife told you she isn't in love with you, doesn't want sex with you, and came very close to an affair. I think she effectively ended it tbh, it is now about doing it in a way that protects the children.

I know two sets of parents where 50/50 works. I believe more 'normal' contact is one evening in the week and then every other weekend. Think about what would work for you and your wife in terms of your working hours. There's no reason why your kids can't end up with two happy parents and two happy homes.

So in a nutshell, trying again isn't an option.