Is there any point continuing? HELP NEEDED

[Timeforadvice2019]

Hi all. Brand new here!
My partner of 9 years left her email account open and I went snooping. At first nothing, then stumbled across a few deleted emails.
She wrote out 1 short and two long emails to podcasts asking for advice. She was asking if a male work colleague was just a friend or was there more to it. At the work Christmas party they held hands, cuddled (in front of people in hotel room) and didn't leave each others side the whole night. Then after that on another work night out they left the others and went off together. He bought all her drinks and she ended up sick. He looked after her, held her hair back etc. Always giving lifts to work and even changed his work pattern to suit her. Also asked if she would go away for a week with work with him.

I confronted her and she said it was just a blip. She was feeling down and we weren't getting on well. I found out that he was cheating on by best friend, she got pregnant and now their together. She swears blind nothing has happened between them. Well I kept asking and questioning and she finally broke. She dropped the dreaded I love you but no in love.

We have 3 beautiful children and she doesn't want me to loose out time with them if I move out. She even mentioned I could live out of the spare room. Well I told her the ball is in her court and I will either try and make it work between us or I then just move out. So my main question is, should I wait for her to decide what she wants?

Thanks in advance.

No, people aren't saying avoid any sexual contact. I must say it is a little worrying that you seem to think consent is an all or nothing situation. When she's into it - go right ahead. When she's not - don't.

We all went out, the 5 of us in November for a meal.

So she was a random;whom you and your partner go out for meals with, years after you cheated on your partner with her, impregnated her and subsequently were s party to her having an abortion?

You didn't answer how she was a random if you impregnated her; it happened from one cheating encounter? And now you've stated in contact for years?

*stayed in contact

Maybe just see what she is happy with. Talk about it. Ask her if she'd rather you stopped if she says hurry up then or ask what you could do to make her enjoy it more. Ask her if she wants to and read the signs too, she may feel pressured to say yes because she's worried you will be upset if she doesn't. I had the fear that if I didn't do it he would do it with someone else instead. I think this is quite common in relationships where there has been cheating. You probably need to get this all out in the open. Reassure her that if she doesn't want to do it you don't have to and you won't go off and find someone else who will. Sounds like you definitely need time to yourselves.

Also your partner goes out for friendly meals with a woman you cheated on her with (and impregnated), however long ago?

I think he's saying they went for a meal, as in him, her and their 3 kids.

Ah I see - because he went straight from the subject of the cheating/abortion to his socialising with his family, I thought she was an acquaintance of both if theirs whom they're still in contact with.

Still .. how many times did you meet and have sex with the 'random' before she fell pregnant, Op?

Did you have any children with your partner when you did that?

Sorry just to make clear it was a one off many years ago. I totally fucked up however it's in the past and can't change it. She went out Saturday night with her friend, not the person I got pregnant. She doesn't know her. I meant the 5 of us, me, her and the 3 children.
I have a very high sex drive. Masterbate daily, I have to get it out of my system.

Yes we had one child when it happened.

Yeah sorry, I should have known you'd moved on to talking about socialising with her/your family.

I'm being pedantic about the cheating & pregnancy because its unusual for someone to fall pregnant from one incident if intercourse; so it seems like you're minimising it. (Both the cheating and the impact on your partner). But whether you met the girl/had sex once or numerous times, cheating on your partner, the mother of your child while she was presumably looking after your child at home .. and impregnating the other woman ... That's fkg stratospheric. I can't believe you haven't mentioned it until this far into the thread.

You're like "it was ages ago, I don't think about it" .. she probably does though - Really, do you think so?.

Open drawers and cupboards bother you a lot? You also sound ocd-y.

Anyway I don't think she should have taken you back after you cheated on her and impregnated another woman while in a relationship, with a child to boot, back then. So I'm out, good luck.

Date night don't need to be elaborate, costly and constant. It need to be regular. In my household we simply go out once a month and the activity is decided on payday (dh works shifts and payday is constant). It can be anything as long as it involves dressing up (complements come naturally then). Both of us need to look our best and the ds have their monthly sleepover at grandma's house. However, it just turned into overnight thing, it used to be lunch date as I was breastfeeding ds3 last year.

Don't forget we don't know your dw and her opinion/ wants in the bedroom. You do. Communicate with her and do your best to make it enjoyable for her. If you stop initiating sex completely, then that can harm her self esteem and think why is he no longer intrested? Just be very sensitive and perceptive while doing it. If she says no, then no means no! If she herself is initiating then go ahead.

It's not impossible at all Morality, I'm currently pregnant from a one night stand (at the age of 37!)

That's not to say it isn't horrific to cheat on your partner whether a one night stand or not, especially when you already have kids.

I do think that does put everything in quite a different light tbh

She has a vibrator and uses it fairly often. We have tried loads in the bedroom over the years. I think if we work things out I will need to drop my high expectations.

So you’re a cheat, who nags about tidiness (I’ll bet my last fiver you don’t do any meaningful housework), you pester for sex and have arguments over the lack of it and you check her emails.

What a guy.

It's not impossible at all Morality, I'm currently pregnant from a one night stand (at the age of 37!)

I know, it's just that it's less likely than from more than one time. I feel like op dismissing the woman he cheated with and got pregnant as a 'random' is minimising.

(e.g. it was random and casual from both sides but she went to the bother of contacting him, telling him she'd fallen pregnant and getting his input into the abortion decision? Of course everyone's different, but I can imagine many women who'd fallen pregnant from a 'random' one-off sexual encounter would make the decision about what to do,banc if it was to terminate, do so themselves, without contacting their one night stand (whom they may or may not know has a partner & child)).

Sorry op if what I wrote sounded like I was advising you about diffrent acts. But it was in relation to lot of people advising you not to have sex with your dw. As they read your posts, as you have sex with your wife without her proper consent.

@Moralitym1n1 women do have random one night stands. They can then get pregnant. All you need is one sperm. She might have wanted support during the abortion. Or was unsure wherever to keep the baby or not & decided to discuss it with the man who got her pregnant. After the discussion she went ahead with the abortion. The random woman might have decided to return to where she meet him and found him there. Why else would op tell his dw about it? The ow might have gone around asking people if they seen op by describing his looks.

@Moralitym1n1 women do have random one night stands.

What are you talking about; where have I ever said women don't have random one night stands?

They can then get pregnant. All you need is one sperm.

Thanks for that explanation of procreation.
Yes, I know. As I've already said above, I know it's perfectly possible. It's just less likely than if a couple has sex more than than once. Op has repeatedly ignored the question of whether he met and had sex with the woman he impregnated more than once.

She might have wanted support during the abortion. Or was unsure wherever to keep the baby or not & decided to discuss it with the man who got her pregnant. After the discussion she went ahead with the abortion. The random woman might have decided to return to where she meet him and found him there.

Yes it's possible, never said it wasn't.

Why else would op tell his dw about it?

Because she found out/was going to find out through any number of routes.

The ow might have gone around asking people if they seen op by describing his looks.

Saw.

Possible, and very classy.

(or had seen).

Having started this thread feeling sympathetic I've now become fairly critical, OP. You may never think back to impregnating another woman while your first DC was tiny but I bet your DW hasn't forgotten so easily.

As for your arguments being around DW's tidiness (or lack of) and your sexual frustration, well I can't think of two more off putting topics. If you were hoping to get her interested in wild, abandoned lovemaking I can promise you that lecturing her on how deprived you are is a huge turn off. There's a famous saying that I invented that foreplay starts at breakfast. If all day you treat your DW as a boring mum rather than the woman you love, and you're snappy and demanding, then you're not going to get a warm response to your later loving embrace.

It sounds as if your DW has given up on your relationship, and I think she has a point. It would be helpful if she could give you a straight answer but she may not be sure. However there's nothing to stop you from deciding yourself.

A previous poster suggested you try staying with your DM for three weeks and see how things work out. Because it sounds like your DW's plan is designed mainly to help her practically rather than anything to do with working on your relationship.

You don't want to make the decision to split, so you're going to have to pin her down on what she really wants. Is your marriage over? You need her answer, though personally I prefer to be able to answer important questions about my life myself.