Is there any point continuing? HELP NEEDED

[Timeforadvice2019]

Hi all. Brand new here!
My partner of 9 years left her email account open and I went snooping. At first nothing, then stumbled across a few deleted emails.
She wrote out 1 short and two long emails to podcasts asking for advice. She was asking if a male work colleague was just a friend or was there more to it. At the work Christmas party they held hands, cuddled (in front of people in hotel room) and didn't leave each others side the whole night. Then after that on another work night out they left the others and went off together. He bought all her drinks and she ended up sick. He looked after her, held her hair back etc. Always giving lifts to work and even changed his work pattern to suit her. Also asked if she would go away for a week with work with him.

I confronted her and she said it was just a blip. She was feeling down and we weren't getting on well. I found out that he was cheating on by best friend, she got pregnant and now their together. She swears blind nothing has happened between them. Well I kept asking and questioning and she finally broke. She dropped the dreaded I love you but no in love.

We have 3 beautiful children and she doesn't want me to loose out time with them if I move out. She even mentioned I could live out of the spare room. Well I told her the ball is in her court and I will either try and make it work between us or I then just move out. So my main question is, should I wait for her to decide what she wants?

Thanks in advance.

She could be torn/in two minds.

Or perhaps things aren't panning out well with the work colleague. Was it a work night out she was on on sat night?

I don't fully understand your description of his circumstances earlier in the thread; he cheated with his best friend's gf, she got pregnant, they're now in a relationship (or not)??

He sounds great (!) and the situation sounds like a cluster-f*co. Maybe your wife is realising it's not got legs. Problem is it may be someone else sooner or later.

I'm in the mindset that it could go either way between us. We needed a catalyst to get things out in the open. I have questioned her so much about work colleague and this is adamant nothing else has happened and she had a moment of madness but thinking someone was in to her. The work night out was for her best friend. At first I didn't believe it but she told we every thing they did, what pub/bar and restaurant they went to.

I'll be the first to admit things hadn't been the best between us and when we used to argue it was awful. Go weeks without talking properly.

I would look at couples counselling. The discussions and honesty could be that catalyst that you're looking for. Also it sounds like you're both in 2 minds about whether to continue the relationship or not so you could go with an aim of working out if you will separate or choose to commit to the relationship.

Was the colleague in question there?

What did you used to argue about? Did you say you broke up/had a break once?

The automatic response on here is that is that she is fucking someone else, if not work colleague then someone else. When we spoke until 3am, she swore blind she isn't interested in anyone else.

She hates her body and hasn't lost any of the baby weight. One of her brothers friends she hadn't seen for years tapped her tummy and asked when the baby was due. I think he's still alive lol

I've never really considered couple counseling but it's definitely something we could discuss.

I asked and she said the work colleague wasn't there.

Arguments: messy house, sexual frustration, her bad planning at times can lead to more frustration.

The automatic response on here is that is that she is fucking someone else, if not work colleague then someone else. When we spoke until 3am, she swore blind she isn't interested in anyone else.

I think that's due to the bitter experience of many posters, but of course it's a presumption.

Anyway 'she isn't interested in anyone else' - well being very straight, she was until very recently, she was posting on forums about her flirtation with her colleague.

Anyway - perhaps she's wised up, perhaps she's seen there's no potential relationship there, who knows ..

Counseling sounds like an option. Though there are issues you could discuss and try to work through yourselves.

You both work, could you get a cleaner for a few hours?

Could you go to the gym or start an exercise hobby/activity together?

Whose sexual frustration - yours, I presume?

She's had low sex drive since children. Not uncommon, children are exhausting/demanding/take up so much head space etc.

However you have to try to maintain some sort of a sex life or you become like room mates/siblings .. ruling out whatever contraception she's using and depression/low mood for lack of sex drive; it could be a bit of a 'mating in captivity/hard to want what you already have' thing. Apparently a lot of women lose sex drive towards their partner the longer they are together, and the more secure they feel.

The usual advice - help her not be stressed, do more house work, make her feel attractive etc . To me doesnt work and is maybe counter productive. To the contrary asserting yourself as a separate individual and not being so so available and devoted, is more likely to be successful. That's why I suggested a little makeover and to develop your hobbies and activities outside the home as much as possible.

Bad planning - well she can try strategies to be better organised but it's hard to get her to do that without feeling nagged/badgered.

You sound as though you're trying to guess how she's feeling rather than asking her. Get the children looked after for a night and talk. The communication in your relationship sounds very poor.

From a couple of things you have posted, it sounds as though your wife may be suffering with depression?

The flirtation with the other man may just have been her wanting to feel attractive, desired and cared for. I'm not saying it was acceptable but I also don't necessarily think it went further. I think the attention may have elevated her low mood?

I think counselling would be a great idea, for you both to express your feelings as much as anything else. I think it's perfectly plausible that whilst your wife isn't happy, she maybe isn't unhappy enough to make the break rather than it being about using you for childcare. Plenty of people stay in okay rather than good relationships because it's easier than separating.

Hopefully the link worked....

m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ

Bad planning? the kids and household should not all be all her responsibility?

I have been in a relationship like this and she will better off without you. That is a massive red flag about the sex. You should not be having sex with her unless she wants to. If she doesn't want to even if you've started, you should not just carry on. It will breed resentment on her part, she will feel used, like a sex object. You need to flirt with her, get her in the mood, not just use her body. You need to look at your part in this too. It is not all her and if she's not lost the baby weight, sounds like she's not had enough time to herself to go to the gym.

Just to add.. do you still fancy her? Before you found out about the email? Did you still find her attractive - you mention the baby weight. How much do you do around the house? How are chores and childcare split?

I think the whole she's not been interested in sex thing has not come across right. So a bit of background as to when we first met. We met online and became fuck buddies. We were both still fucking other people as it was no strings. We then started seeing each other and it progressed from there. I've been the best over the years. She said recently that back in the day we stopped in the middle of sex so I could check a text from my ex.
I have also cheated and got some random pregnant. This was many years ago. I am deeply sorry for it. I thought we got past that but she says she thinks about it from time to time.

Another thing is we have separate back accounts. I just transferred a sum each month. Maybe we should have a joint account?

So it's not all one sided.

I still fancy her yes. And even after the email I do. I'm a very tidy person and it do more than my fair share. A lot of arguments in the past have been about the house being messy. I guess my expectations are too high?

EDIT: NOT been the best over the years.

With 3 kids, your expectations may well be too high. Someone's suggestion of a cleaner, if money permits, would be a good call. I had the same thing with my ex, he cheated early on and I thought I could get over it. I thought forgiving was the right thing to do, but ultimately I could never really get over it, it broke me and the relationship a bit and I never really felt the same. I'd go to counselling then. Just know that this thing at work is someone making her feel special. For her to need that, for that to happen, something is very wrong in your relationship. Things that could help (other than a cleaner) is a weekly babysitter and date night, counselling, you looking after the kids on your own one night a week for her to go out and join a club, go to a class etc and same for you. A holiday without the kids (but that's once everything feels ok), now, that would be a disaster. Be aware that this may not work out, the damage could already be done. Please stop having sex with her or finishing off if she clearly doesn't want it, that will slowly chip away and damage your relationship more. Hope it all works out and if it doesn't, then remember your kids are your priority, so looking after her ultimately benefits them.

Hmm, those issues may well be having a lingering effect, if she says she still thinks about them from time to time. It does sound like couples counseling could be worth a go?

What was the bit in your OP about someone getting someone pregnant? Was that the work colleague? Or you?

People have different standards on tidyness but with kids and work it's possible you may need to relax on that one - how untidy are we talking?

I do also think by the way that if in any given sexual encounter she doesn't appear to be enjoying it and says hurry up you should stop btw, some posters were being very harsh about that and I don't think it is non-consensual but it is likely to make her feel a bit used and won't help matters. Just because she's enthusiastic/initiating sometimes doesn't mean it's all good to go on when she isn't.

*I have also cheated and got some random pregnant.

Well there goes my sympathy for you, I was thinking you were hard done by and a bit of a victim .

Anyway how random was she if you got her pregnant; she got pregnant from one one night stand?

The work colleague was with a woman, she cheating on him with his best friend and she got pregnant. The best friend and her are now a couple. I have heard from close and reliable sources that she was his first and hasn't had sex with anyone else. He's a bit of a loner, a nerd and he's it to space stuff and shit. This isn't some 6.5 ft hunk, he's some stupid kid.

I realise I should have brought up that I cheated however it was such a long time ago I've pretty much forgotten it. Although she definitely hasn't and never will. I am by no means a victim here. I'm not deluded and it's a two way thing.

Messy as in clutter and shit around. My pet hate is when she leave drawers and cupboards wide open.

You can't eraser the past, you got someone else pregnant. Hope you didn't cut contact with your child and are finacially providing for him/her. That child is a constant reminder of your adultery. Her self image probably got a huge hit and now with further self esteem problems, she might have been vulnerable to other peoples complements. How often do you give honest complements to her? How often do you go on dates or something similar with her? Have both of you neglected your relationship?
To be honest after your last updates, to me it don't sound like a full-blown affair. Just emotional affair, that could get worse and be as threatening as a full-blown affair.

Also, are people saying avoid any sexual contact? Even if she's the one putting it out there? She grabbed my hand this morning, looked me in the eyes and kissed on lips. She actually had a genuine smile.

She had an abortion. It was a mutual thing due to many factors.

We all went out, the 5 of us in November for a meal. As for date night, I might have to Google the meaning of one!