Is there any point continuing? HELP NEEDED

[Timeforadvice2019]

Hi all. Brand new here!
My partner of 9 years left her email account open and I went snooping. At first nothing, then stumbled across a few deleted emails.
She wrote out 1 short and two long emails to podcasts asking for advice. She was asking if a male work colleague was just a friend or was there more to it. At the work Christmas party they held hands, cuddled (in front of people in hotel room) and didn't leave each others side the whole night. Then after that on another work night out they left the others and went off together. He bought all her drinks and she ended up sick. He looked after her, held her hair back etc. Always giving lifts to work and even changed his work pattern to suit her. Also asked if she would go away for a week with work with him.

I confronted her and she said it was just a blip. She was feeling down and we weren't getting on well. I found out that he was cheating on by best friend, she got pregnant and now their together. She swears blind nothing has happened between them. Well I kept asking and questioning and she finally broke. She dropped the dreaded I love you but no in love.

We have 3 beautiful children and she doesn't want me to loose out time with them if I move out. She even mentioned I could live out of the spare room. Well I told her the ball is in her court and I will either try and make it work between us or I then just move out. So my main question is, should I wait for her to decide what she wants?

Thanks in advance.

He looked after her, held her hair back etc

Oh the romance.

Get yourself legal advice OP, ASAP. Sounds like she's aiming for 50/50 residence of the children. Does that work for you?

Thanks for the reply. I've said that I couldn't live seperate lives under the same roof. She's my first real relationship and although things hadn't been great we were getting on better and trying. Guilt on her behalf? She also said she lost her sex drive after having first born, he's now 8. She gets nothing out of sex with me. It's usually hurry up...I does sound bad when you read it back...

Anyone else have opinions on this?

Thanks

I'm afraid she wants to keep the nice comfy set-up at home, whilst being free to pursue other men.

I can say that having been in a similar situation after telling my ex-husband that I didn't love him the way I should any more. He offered that - live separate lives in the same house - because he wanted to rescue the relationship. It was tempting, because going it alone is frightening. But I knew I couldn't bear to sleep with him ever again, and I knew that to house-share would be to hold out false hope.

Ending things completely was the best thing for all of us, but especially for him.

I wouldn't wait on her decision. This relationship is dead in the water, and needs put out of its misery.

She says she doesn't want to split this family up for the kids and also that everything would be on her and her fault it was the end. She said she tries to make everyone else happy in the home and that she is very unhappy.

So there's no going back from here? I now have 3 days off work and need to decide for the future.

Ignore what she says. Her actions tell you she doesn't respect you or love you enough. This is such a horrid thing to go through but the alternative is worse.

My children are 2, 6 & 8. The thought of another man / father figure in the home makes me feel sick. Thinking about that part makes me feel like a failure.

I'm sorry OP this is a horrid situation. I think if you were looking through deleted emails you were already in a place where you didn't trust her. But you now need to stand up for yourself and work out what you want, see a lawyer and protect your best interests. Don't let her walk all over you. You have given her all the power over you, your future and relationship. She won't value or respect you in that situation. So you need to think - do you want to go for counselling to try and the save the marriage or split up - and if you split what do you want and how can you best protect your DC from harm and fairly divide time with them and your assets.

You are NOT a failure. You’ve done nothing wrong. But hideous as it is, if you try to hold on to this marriage now, after what she has said and done, I will destroy you. You can, and will move on. And, if you want to, eventually find someone who loves you as you deserve to be loved. Don’t make the mistake many of us do, of wasting more years in a relationship that is never going to come right. You can still be great co-parents to your kids. Millions of kids now grow up with separated parents. It can be perfectly fine, providing the parents deal with each other as well and respectfully as possible. Better for kids than growing up in a home where there is no love or respect between their still-married parents.

It will destroy you, not I (I won’t! 🤣)

Thank you for the valuable advice! I work every other weekend so I Cherise my weekends off. How do you think I should act / be this weekend?

The relationship is entirely over. You csn finish it now with a clean break or you can stretch it out slowly and painfully for everyone involved.

Can I just point out to you that you said " She gets nothing out of sex with me. It's usually hurry up". So you know she doesn't want sex with you and doesn't enjoy it at all and just wants it to stop. And yet you continue to have sex with her anyway because your enjoyment is more important to you than her discomfort? That's disgusting and rapey. The fact you have done this to her shows you have no real love, concern or respect for her. Hold yourself to a higher standard in future.

As for the rest, she's chasing after another man, you're (rightly) losing trust and snooping. There's nothing left to salvage here. You're only together because you're both scared of the break up. Why not make it easy for yourselves and admit to each other that you have been shitty individuals in this relationship and agree to be decent, honest individuals in the break up, putting the kids interests first in everything and making it as easy for yourselves and each other as possible?

So how about telling her that as she started all this she can leave and leave the children with you, and you get the the main custody and the house etc. There is no law that says you have to leave and she retains everything including the children

Nothing rapey about it. It's not all been bad I wouldn't have sex with someone if they were in discomfort.

You're not a failure.

Some other woman will be very glad of a decent man. Look at half the posts on here.

All you can do re. her living with another man is taken to your kids very openly and clearly that if they're not happy about any aspect of his behaviour they can tell you and you'll help them.

*talk

There is also the possibility you could be the resident parent. Presumably they're in school or child care all day if she's working full-time too (?)

We rent and it's actually her mum's house. I have no rights to the house. The main option at the moment is to move back with parents, roughly 12 miles /30 minute drive. She's thinks that isn't a good idea because of work schedules and the kids routines. I work out of hours, evenings and every other weekend. I look after our daughter 3 times a week in the day whilst she's at work. She's questioning what would happen with that arrangement...

I have a very close bond with my children and hope that wouldn't change if another man in their home.

She works 24 hours per week in an office. 3 on 4 off. My weekend shifts are 2x14 hours (28 hours is a killer)

If someone, by your own admission, gets nothing out of having sex with you, there is no "enthusiastic consent", she tells you to "hurry up" as she wants it to stop as soon as possible, this is marital rape. She doesn't want it and you're doing it anyway. That's rape! And you have the bloody cheek to moan qbout her complaining and hurrying you, as if that's reducing your enjoyment - well don't rape her then!
Ffs. If you ever have cause to complain that someone is failing to look like they're enjoying sex with you, and you know this is because they don't enjoy sex with you, stop having sex with them. IT IS RAPE.

Ismellbabies- that is a very strong post. There has been times where she has initiated sex. Texting picture of her naked in the mirror and asking 'if we want to clean the mirror'. It's not all been one sided. You make me sound like a dirty and sleezy person.

Going back to the work colleague, would it do any good confronting him? I know who he is and I'm of the opinion that he just a young kid and hasn't got it in him... She said it was a stupid thing to do and nothing will ever happen or has happened between them. Is it just very close friends? She has said she won't refuse the lifts or not go out on work night outs as it would raise the alarm to him that something is up..

It'll be someone else sooner or later though, won't it?

Can you be arsed monitoring and chasing off every possible flirtation/potential affair?

It is draining yes! I guess it's the feeling of not being enough..