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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend wants to go clubbing...

97 replies

gaynor83 · 31/05/2019 11:05

We have been together for a year and a half, were both 35. I have never really liked clubbing I prefer to go for meals,cinema or cook and watch a movie at home. My boyfriend loves dance music and used to go clubbing a lot in his younger days. He also struggles with a drug problem as a result of this. He's recently started working away through the week so I've hardly seen him. He asked me if I minded him going clubbing this weekend...i would like to say no as I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend. But I do mind. He's been doing well with his drug issues lately and his friends who are going will be taking drugs, he made no secret of the fact that he will be too. And his friends are single, they're planning on staying out until 4am then going back to an apartment to watch boxing until God knows when. I'm of the opinion this is really not acceptable when in a committed relationship. I can't help how I feel. He is loving and I believe he loves me but why put himself in that situation? To me, clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores. He wouldn't go if I asked him not to but I also don't want to stop him from doing something he wants. I wouldn't mind if it was a normal night out and he was coming home at a reasonable hour.
I do have Insecurity issues, as does he. The drug problem makes our relationship hard too, and this doesn't help.
I don't know what to do,I said ok go, do your thing but I don't feel right and am now avoiding speaking to him. I feel a bit hurt that he has worked away for over a week and he prefers to do that than spend time with me.
Am I being silly/unreasonable? I just can't help feeling upset by this.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/05/2019 14:26

Dump him. Why stay with someone who is addicted to drugs? You both want very different things and you won't be happy with him.

yourestandingonmyneck · 31/05/2019 14:35

So he wouldn't do it if you asked him not to, but if you don't explicitly forbid it, he'll go ahead and do it Hmm

No, I don't like that. He's putting you in the position of being the bad guy and saying no to something he really shouldn't be doing anyway. So he's giving you the choice of acting like his mum and saying no, or gritting your teeth and letting him behave like a teenager. That's ridiculous, he needs to grow up.

(And I echo previous posters in saying it's the drugs etc that is the issue, not the clubbing. Although also the fact that he's been away all week but then does not want to see you at the weekend.)

Morgan12 · 31/05/2019 14:43

I would let this one go. Hes going out with his mates. And he will resent you if you tell him not to go. It's a one off.

What are his drug issues? Does he take coke etc on nights out or was he using every day?

feelingsinister · 31/05/2019 14:58

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you stop having a life outside of that and can't do the stuff that you enjoy. For him that's clubbing.
It's ridiculous to expect that he gives that up.
I also think the attitude to drugs on here is slightly ridiculous.

Doing the odd line or smoking a bit of weed does not make you a terrible person/shit parent/bad husband or wife.

But, you said he has an issue with drugs and that he is clearly planning to take drugs tonight. I think that is something that's worth having a proper conversation about.

Do you both consider that his drug use is problematic? How is he managing this and how will going out tonight set that back?

MellowMelly · 31/05/2019 15:01

Clubbing is fair enough, it’s nice to let your hair down like that again if that’s what you used to do. But clubbing when it leads to drugs would bother me too.

I know this feeling because my ex used to take cocaine very regularly before we got together (pretty much every other night) but managed to ditch the habit. He always said that if he went to a pub and it got offered to him he wouldn’t be able to say no and it would probably kick start his habit again.

His decision therefore was to not go out to pubs in the evening when he knew his mates/acquaintances would be passing it around. He took that responsibility upon himself and that’s what your partner should be doing really. If he hasn’t got the willpower to say ‘no’ then he is best off avoiding that scenario as it could possibly reignite his addiction.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 31/05/2019 15:15

@NoBaggyPants are you feeling alright? When on earth did I call victims of CSE feral or victim blame?Hmm I would love for you to show me until then I'll add it to the list of things that has never been said..

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 31/05/2019 15:18

"A group of girls getting sloshed to the point of unconsciousness is not grooming, I work in CSE and the most upsetting part is half of the girls who are this intoxicated, God forbid if something untoward was to happen to them, would be annihilated in court (if it got that far), would have little to no memory of an event and probably no information that the CPS would even bother with to try and prosecute."

I saved you the time @NoBaggyPants

The Feral comment was to both genders who can't handle their booze/drugs.

lovemylkids43 · 31/05/2019 15:23

I don't think the clubbing is the issue .. it's the circle of friends and drug use and what it leads to.. does he make bad decisions when taking drugs ???
If he is fully aware of this he should avoid that circle but it seems to me he yearns for it but more now and again but I understand your concerns ....

AgentJohnson · 31/05/2019 15:27

Clubbing isn’t the issue, his drug taking is and If you don’t want to date someone with substance abuse issues, then don’t.

He clearly doesn’t want to prioritise being sober, so the balls in your court, you are wasting your time waiting for him to be someone who doesn’t want to use drugs.

beerandpopcorn · 31/05/2019 15:40

I genuinely believe that most people I know are seriously fecking thick.

I don't suppose that's very nice.

It's true though .

beerandpopcorn · 31/05/2019 15:43

Wrong thread 😱

Cheeseandwin5 · 31/05/2019 16:46

If you dont trust him to behaviour, then why dont you go with him.
It may be nice if you shared in something he loved to do.

Herland · 31/05/2019 17:03

@MissPolly you didn't say that. Ignore BaggyPants.

Op I hate clubbing. I don't like the music, I don't like being around people who are chewing their faces off with pills or are hyper and obnoxious on coke. I am especially uncomfortable around folk in their thirties and forties doing it. My own judgy perception but I find it all a bit sad to see. That is why I married someone who has absolutely no interest in clubbing, or drugs. The key here is that you are simply incompatible.

To the poster who is agog at Op's (in very poor judgement) use off the word whore but then went on to call her Christian as an insult - people in glass houses and all that.

BlueCornishPixie · 31/05/2019 19:24

Polly why is it disgusting for young women to get drunk?

You've judged their clothes "tits falling out" etc. Implying their bodies are disgusting.

You are coming across as a victim blaming twat. You are saying girls who get drunk, won't get a conviction if they are drunk I.e it's their fault if they don't get a conviction for rape. It is very sad if they don't, the real issue is attitudes like yours. Acting like girls going out, having fun and getting drunk are disgusting and wearing revealing clothes is disgusting, that's pretty victim blamey. Its just a body.

I really find it hard to believe someone with those attitudes could work in CSE, I worry that people like you are employed in that area.

Frownette · 31/05/2019 19:37

There have been quite a few convictions where the woman has been ruled not to have given consent as they were too inebriated. We all tend to be pretty trusting until we're hurt.

OP it doesn't sound like you're compatible - I've never really been into clubbing either though obviously many like it. A friend's husband still occasionally goes to clubs on his own, friend seemed fine with that but it baffled me as he it wasn't going with anyone. I guess he just wanted to have a dance and feel free.

The drugs are the main issue, what do you think he'd do? It's probably true alcohol causes more problems in society

Icandothisallday · 31/05/2019 19:44

What's the issue with young women get drunk and staggering around and their tits falling out?

Genuinely, if that's what they wanna do, what's the issue?

The issue is that some men will rape them and get away with it?

Again, how is that not a problem of men thinking it's ok to rape women?

My ex husband raped me while I was ill at home in scruffy pjs. He got away with it too.

The problem is rapists. Not women getting drunk.

OP, your issue is home cheating. If you dont trust him. Split up.

Herland · 31/05/2019 20:00

I think anyone crawling along the pavement puking, drooling and drunk to the extent they can not function independently is pretty tragic and gross tbf. Man, woman, boy or girl. I used to work in pubs and clubs - so maybe I have been scarred for life by drunken assholes.

RiversDisguise · 31/05/2019 20:03

My high earning, professional, home owning, long term relationship or married circle of friends obviously didn’t get that memo 😬

Yeah, I'm not talking about middle class wankers who think a weekend bong or occasional line of coke makes them edgy and interesting.

OP says her boyfriend is an addict.

Frownette · 31/05/2019 20:03

@Icandothisallday agree that a rapist is a rapist is a rapist.

Anyway OP hope you don't worry too much tonight, make sure you do something nice. It's time for you without any other demands. Everyone loves time by themselves, right?!

Icandothisallday · 31/05/2019 20:13

Herland but that's their choice.

I dont do it. I barely drink and never have. It's not my bag. Neither is drugs.

But I am not going to judge other people because they want to, or imply it's a little bit their fault if they get raped.

Herland · 31/05/2019 20:22

Only the rapist is at fault in all cases of rape. That doesn't mean that being drunk or spangled is a socially acceptable choice. Firstly, there isn't always truly a choice - peer pressure, "rounds", club offers etc all mean that young women in particular are vulnerable to drinking more than they want to. My years in clubs showed me so many unhappy, miserable young women dancing around in clothes they were clearly uncomfortable in. Secondly, what about everyone else's choice not to have to deal with the drunk to incapacity folk who start fights in taxi queues, pack out A&E at the weekend, and piss all over the high street.

I know we are veering slightly off topic here but it is important not to frame "getting drunk or drugged to oblivion" as a feminist choice.

tierraJ · 31/05/2019 20:24

This thread is making me think about going clubbing.

I mean I'm sat at home really bored... when I could be having pre drinks at a nice bar all dressed up then dancing the night away to some decent music... I don't care if anyone else wants to take drugs I won't be, I'll just be high on the music....

Who else is up for it?!

(Sorry OP)

SimplySteveRedux · 31/05/2019 20:25

I used to love clubbing until I wound up in a wheelchair...great fun touring the Ibiza hot spots in my late teens and through my 20s. Dance (Trance) music just touches my soul, being in an environment with others feeling the same is electric. Now 41, I'm still as addicted to it, the emotion, the goosebumps, it's just incredible.

That's my music sorted out for tonight now!

ukgift2016 · 31/05/2019 20:26

I wouldn't want to be with someone who still wants to go clubbing in his 30s. But you married a man who used drugs and you knew who enjoyed nights out. What did you expect? Seriously?

Frownette · 31/05/2019 20:27

@TierraJ you've caught me in a quiet mood Grin

Although I'll snuggle up with you on the sofa if you like!