My boyfriend wants to go clubbing...

[gaynor83]

We have been together for a year and a half, were both 35. I have never really liked clubbing I prefer to go for meals,cinema or cook and watch a movie at home. My boyfriend loves dance music and used to go clubbing a lot in his younger days. He also struggles with a drug problem as a result of this. He's recently started working away through the week so I've hardly seen him. He asked me if I minded him going clubbing this weekend...i would like to say no as I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend. But I do mind. He's been doing well with his drug issues lately and his friends who are going will be taking drugs, he made no secret of the fact that he will be too. And his friends are single, they're planning on staying out until 4am then going back to an apartment to watch boxing until God knows when. I'm of the opinion this is really not acceptable when in a committed relationship. I can't help how I feel. He is loving and I believe he loves me but why put himself in that situation? To me, clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores. He wouldn't go if I asked him not to but I also don't want to stop him from doing something he wants. I wouldn't mind if it was a normal night out and he was coming home at a reasonable hour.
I do have Insecurity issues, as does he. The drug problem makes our relationship hard too, and this doesn't help.
I don't know what to do,I said ok go, do your thing but I don't feel right and am now avoiding speaking to him. I feel a bit hurt that he has worked away for over a week and he prefers to do that than spend time with me.
Am I being silly/unreasonable? I just can't help feeling upset by this.

I'm actually listening to loud grungy metal eg nirvana etc rather than trance just to annoy my annoying neighbour, but I do love trance... & drum n bass.

I'm 32, a mother, not a drug taking whore with her tits falling out, but I do go clubbing approx once a month.

I don't think clubbing is the issue, it's the person & the drugs.. get him help with the drugs / other issues if you want the relationship to work.

But singles do go there to get off their heads and pull.

And? Being single and on the pull (?) makes you a whore?

I'm single not a whore. I don't go out 'to pull' as such but if I was to meet a decent man I would be pleased. But that's as likely at the gym or coffee shop as at a club.

@tierraJ now you're talking. Bit of 90's grunge, cold beer, dancing about the living room.

Funny that you call them whores OP, when you are the biggest twat for having a druggie as a boyfriend. How desperate must you be for a man to want to be with a cokehead.

Ffs she retracted the whore comment on page one.

You don't get out much do you love?

Ahhhhh isnt this nice.

Without commenting on the rest of I have to say that throughout all my raving years (long ago) never once was I interested in pulling! It was all about the music, dancing, drugs and friends. People are much more likely to be out on the pull when purely drinking IME.

Obviously if he has a problem that's a different issue and it's ultimately about what you are comfortable with, but I think the whores/people going there to pull is wildly off base.

@BlueCornishPixie getting drunk isn't a problem, being responsible with it is. It is dangerous to be over a certain limit.
Their clothes aren't my problem, their bodies aren't disgusting but if they're under the influence of drugs and alcohol then they are no longer in control and lose their inabitions thus leading to extreme embarrassment not to mention accidents. I've seen women so drunk they're literally weeing in the middle of town, but I guess in your mind that's ok too because it's natural isn't it? We all piss? codswalop.
Until you have escorted a victim to court, for the cross examination to take place and the defence barristers first line is to do with her being totally intoxicated, for the poor victim to be sat there being made to go over events to the judge and jury, to then be totally stumped and have to say "I don't know or I can't remember", crying through the process to then escort the same victim to the sentencing for it to be a not guilty and have that heart wrenching feeling, seeing the perpetrator gleefully smiling away, and then looking at the young woman you have supported throughout for her to turn round and take the blame because she felt she could of done more to stop it. Rapists cause rape. BUT as someone who has seen it time after time, you cannot help but think of that scenario when you see girls so drunk, and just pray they get home safe because like I said originally IF something untoward was to happen the above situation is likely.
But yes carry on with your drivel and until you have sat through a court process of a similar nature then please feel free to shove your insults far up where the sun don't shine.

Also there's being merrily drunk to being borderline alcohol poisoned. You are forgetting alcohol is a drug right? That people have to get their stomachs pumped after drinking too much? Why is it that there is a warning on alcohol.. DRINK RESPONSIBLY.

@tierraJ & @motherofcats you sound like my kind of crew Now, where to go for the best beats?

Sorry, forgot to add:

OP, this really doesn’t sound like the right relationship for either of you. I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear after investing 18 months, and I’m also sure you love him very much, but this isn’t going to end well, no matter what you do. Please walk away now

@misspollyhadadolly19

All this talk about escorting victims to court... can you honestly not see that the problem is with the system, not the victim?

While ever we have patriarchal collaborators like you on the inside doing your low level victim blaming nothing will change.

This is so disheartening!

@QueenOfPain the victim isn't the problem you're right, but the system will never change.
We wear seatbelts in cars for protection, even if we drive safely because accidents happen. We teach our kids the PANTS rule, so they understand what should/shouldn't be touched because people can be evil. We have health and safety rules to follow on a construction site, wearing PPE to protect ourselves. We have precautions and safety measures for all sorts of things although if the worst was to happen it wouldn't be that person's fault we still try to keep ourselves safe.
Why should the same not apply when going out drinking?
When running workshops to those at risk, do you know what's highlighted? Being under the influence of drugs/alcohol and how not to make yourself vulnerable.

The fact of the matter is, the system won't change, rapists won't cease to exist and all we can do is do the most to keep ourselves safe. That's not victim blaming it's basic common sense and the problem with the mentality of "women should just be allowed to do whatever" is it will not take away the risks and dangers.

Sad to see you're still with this absolute loser, OP.

You CAN do so much better. Anyone could.

I’m 46. I love going out and dancing . If it’s not your thing that’s fine but expecting a bloke in his 30s to stop because he’s in a relationship is bullshit.
People go out dancing for millions of reasons. Not everyone who goes it a drug addict! And not everyone who uses recreational drugs is an addict or a tedious bore either.
I don’t believe op’s partner is/was an addict, this all sounds too naive for someone who’s been involved with addiction. I think it’s just to add credence to the thread.
And I’d love to know what ‘behaving like whores’ means...

It’s so sad to see attitudes like MissPolly. Who is lowkey victim blaming for not doing more to protect themselves.
You may not think the system can change. But it IS entirely possible for it to change. It should change. To protect the victims. It’s plausible for the courts to change the system so rather than having a jury decide whether consent was given, a number of specially trained judges do. It is entirely possible for both the police and the CPS to do more in these situations to ensure the rapist is prosecuted.

Sounds like my ex. I left after 2 years.

You’re not compatible are you. He loves clubbing. You don’t.

@Joey and whats worse is people who think not taking precautions is some how victim blaming. Victims or potential victims arent martyrs to make things change and my job is to protect people from the current system we live in, not the one we wish to live in.
Low key victim blaming would be saying it's their fault it happened, they deserved it but what I am actually saying is do the most to keep yourself safe, being so drunk or drugged up that you are unaware of your surroundings IS dangerous, it makes you vulnerable if the worst was to happen, not to mention the struggles the victim faces giving evidence, you can umm and arr about it as much as you like but it won't change reality.
If anyone disagrees with that then I must be living in a parallel universe.

I'm an optimist as much as the next person but I have no faith that the system will ever change, atleast not in my life time and probably not my children's either.