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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend wants to go clubbing...

97 replies

gaynor83 · 31/05/2019 11:05

We have been together for a year and a half, were both 35. I have never really liked clubbing I prefer to go for meals,cinema or cook and watch a movie at home. My boyfriend loves dance music and used to go clubbing a lot in his younger days. He also struggles with a drug problem as a result of this. He's recently started working away through the week so I've hardly seen him. He asked me if I minded him going clubbing this weekend...i would like to say no as I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend. But I do mind. He's been doing well with his drug issues lately and his friends who are going will be taking drugs, he made no secret of the fact that he will be too. And his friends are single, they're planning on staying out until 4am then going back to an apartment to watch boxing until God knows when. I'm of the opinion this is really not acceptable when in a committed relationship. I can't help how I feel. He is loving and I believe he loves me but why put himself in that situation? To me, clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores. He wouldn't go if I asked him not to but I also don't want to stop him from doing something he wants. I wouldn't mind if it was a normal night out and he was coming home at a reasonable hour.
I do have Insecurity issues, as does he. The drug problem makes our relationship hard too, and this doesn't help.
I don't know what to do,I said ok go, do your thing but I don't feel right and am now avoiding speaking to him. I feel a bit hurt that he has worked away for over a week and he prefers to do that than spend time with me.
Am I being silly/unreasonable? I just can't help feeling upset by this.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/05/2019 12:11

Op, I think you're simply worried he will get with another woman.

If If In your head the way to prevent this is to stop him going out, then you need to reassess your relationship. You can't lock someone up to keep them faithful to you and behaving as you prefer.

sar302 · 31/05/2019 12:12

You don't like him. You don't like the company he keeps. You don't like his drug use. You don't want to do the things he likes, but you don't want him doing them on his own. You're not compatible - just dump him! Life's too short.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 31/05/2019 12:18

You lost me at “... acting like whores”. But, he has a drug problem, so dump him, unless you want a life of anxiety and playing second fiddle to his first love, drugs.

Jaxhog · 31/05/2019 12:22

You think people shouldn’t go out clubbing if they’re in a relationship and it’s unacceptable

Fine if you both want to go clubbing, but you don't. Wanting to go clubbing without you is unacceptable. As you appear to have different expectation and interests, why are you still together?

MenuPlant · 31/05/2019 12:26

'To me, clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores.'

Hahaha those were the days 😁

Things are more staid now, the blokes are way less whorish :)(

MenuPlant · 31/05/2019 12:26

Oops that was supposed to be sadface

DBML · 31/05/2019 12:27

The clubbing is not an issue. I’d dump him for the drug problem alone.

showmethegin · 31/05/2019 12:28

@Jaxhog why on Earth is it unacceptable to go out clubbing if your girlfriend doesn't want to go with you?!

If I could only do things if DP wanted to do them I wouldn't ever do some things I like! What a weird way to live!

Agreed that you don't seem like a match as he has admitted he is going to take drugs and you don't like that and you don't trust him. Those things are reason enough.

Pizzaaddict · 31/05/2019 12:31

Him going clubbing wouldn’t bother me. I could never be with someone who did drugs though. You seem to have accepted this about him though so I think the clubbing is the only issue here and I’m not sure why

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 31/05/2019 12:34

Clubbing makes me cringe too, when DH was temporarily working the doors you'd have these barely legal, immature little girls falling over, tits coming out the top, arse hanging out the bottom, practically dribbling and dragging themselves along the curb. Disgusting.
Then the pilled up, coked up, cocky guy groups cat calling and spewing up. Eeeeerrr. shudders
Tbf there were also alot of normal women and men just having a good time but these types of feral beings did make up the majority.

Don't blame you for not being unhappy OP and your DP should respect that.

stucknoue · 31/05/2019 12:37

It's ok not to like clubbing yourself but most people who go don't do drugs and are faithful to their partner if not with them. It's perfectly reasonable if it's your cup of tea to want to go every few weeks, I did until my mid 30's though I'm too tired these days

tierraJ · 31/05/2019 12:40

I used to love clubbing but was rarely drunk let alone on drugs, it was all about the music & dancing all night.

But, your boyfriend has a problem with drugs & will be around mates who take drugs in an environment where drug taking is more likely.

Can you trust him not to take drugs? Will it be a dealbreaker if he does?
Agree with pp clubbing is not the problem, drugs are.

BentNeckLady · 31/05/2019 12:44

You can't rely on a drug user. You can't build a future with them. Trust them with money. Let them drive if you think they are high. Believe their tales of what they did last night because chances are they don't really remember. Etc etc.

My high earning, professional, home owning, long term relationship or married circle of friends obviously didn’t get that memo 😬

Limpshade · 31/05/2019 12:44

OK so "acting like whores aside"...

Honestly I don't think you can really blame his drug problem on clubbing. You say he has a drug problem "because of it", but that's utter rubbish. I loved clubbing in my late teens and 20s as do many people but I've never so much as looked at a drug!

The fact is, he enjoys taking drugs when he's with his friends. He's made no secret of it to you and he has no intention to stop. If you have an issue with that (and clearly you do), then he's not the guy for you.

Johngon · 31/05/2019 12:47

I used to go clubbing a lot. I used to take drugs a lot. Tbh its more likely he would be trying it on under influence of alcohol than party drugs (assuming stimulants?). If he has a drug problem then that is current. No I wouldnt be with someone with a substance misuse problem.
I think its pretty unlikely he will be cheating on you, though. He will be too busy eating his face and dancing and chatting annoyingly.

If the issue is his drugs use then its sort of irrelevant whether he goes. He will still have a problem if he doesnt go and he is still actively seeking out drugs and doesnt see an issue with it despite prior problematic use/addiction(?)

Shoxfordian · 31/05/2019 12:50

Mm don't love your attitude op
The issue is him taking drugs, not going clubbing. If you don't want to date someone who takes drugs then dump him

MenuPlant · 31/05/2019 13:08

'barely legal, immature little girls falling over, tits coming out the top, arse hanging out the bottom, practically dribbling and dragging themselves along the curb. Disgusting.'

'feral'

Note the line about blokes but this is about young girls.

Who presumably would only have themselves to blame if they were hurt.

The hatred for young girls runs deep in our society.

Couldn't let that pass just revolting. The sort of person who looks at girls being broke and thinks 'tart'.

MenuPlant · 31/05/2019 13:08

Groomed not broke.

NameChangeNugget · 31/05/2019 13:21

Your attitude is deplorable OP.

JacksonCage · 31/05/2019 13:52

I dont know his friends either except that they all love drugs

You've been together 18 months - does this not also concern you?

If you have a problem with him taking drugs, and he's not willing to overcome this, then I would say that you are not compatible.

VodselForDinner · 31/05/2019 14:03

Ah, you again, OP.

This relationship is a disaster. He has serious drug issues, and mental health problem. You have MH issues, he’s aggravating them.

It’s not going to magically get better. If he valued your relationship over drugs, he’d have given up and not made empty promises.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 31/05/2019 14:14

@MenuPlant it is disgusting and the feral comment was to both genders but gold star for nit picking Hmm

Young girls? They're old enough to consent, drink, drive, join the army, vote, gamble so not that young as to not understand the effects of alcohol/drugs. A group of girls getting sloshed to the point of unconsciousness is not grooming, I work in CSE and the most upsetting part is half of the girls who are this intoxicated, God forbid if something untoward was to happen to them, would be annihilated in court (if it got that far), would have little to no memory of an event and probably no information that the CPS would even bother with to try and prosecute.
Not victim blaming, it's truly sad..
BUT we aren't talking about grooming cases or the injustice of the likes, we are talking about the OPs dislike to clubbing and DP problems.. feel a derail coming

Motherof3feminists · 31/05/2019 14:19

You lost me at drug problem. Bin him.

itsboiledeggsagain · 31/05/2019 14:23

Wowsers we use Christian as an insult now do we?

NoBaggyPants · 31/05/2019 14:25

I can't believe someone who works in CSE would describe victims as feral, and then go on to victim blame. "Not victim blaming", just it fucking is. You're disgusting and if I knew where you worked I'd have no qualms in reporting you. Shame on you.