To think he's just a dickhead?

[GirlOnIt]

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

X-post.

I didn't realise you had other threads about him.

Then there's that he kept turning your heating low using the app on the phone when you weren't there, another low level form of controlling you when you'd asked him to leave it so you and your baby could stay warm.

What. The. Fuck. This isn't someone who is insecure and paranoid. This is someone who is a fucking nasty bully.

Ignore everything I've just said in my last post and bin him. No second chances, no opportunities to "do anything" to fix it. He's lying through his fucking teeth saying whatever it takes to try and worm his way back in.

XH did quite a few of the things you mentioned - hence xh. I missed a close friend’s birthday party because he “forgot” to come home from the gym til after it was over. He also switched our thermostat to a wireless one with an app on his phone. Every time I turned the AC on (35+ humidity in southern US) he’d turn it off remotely from the comfort of his freezing cold office, and vice versa during winter.
I also made the mistake of staying longer for DS... I Don’t believe these sorts of things can change and I also don’t believe accepting less for the sake of the kids is good for the kids either. Its modelling that it’s acceptable for him to treat people this way.

Oh this dickhead! I remember your other posts..... i’d leave the fucker ASAP

I know he sounds really bad and I'm not making excuses for him. But it's difficult to fully explain and I don't think my posts give a well rounded view of him, obviously I've posted about problems we've had and usually when I'm cross/angry with him.

He's taken Ds for the day/night and we're going to talk when he brings him back tomorrow. He's not going to just get to come back home though, I'm not sure it's even going to be possible for us to stay together. I just think I owe us and the Dc a chance to try. That said I'm very much preparing to go it alone and I'm making sure me and the Dc will be ok without him.

Technically I guess we are @womenspeakout. Because we haven't discussed it or I haven't officially said we aren't. Being engaged means nothing though and I won't be marrying him right now so I'm not stressing over that.

He wouldn't physically hurt me though and I really believe that. I'm not saying physical abuse is the only type or that other abuse doesn't matter at all.
But I know if we do try at our relationship I'm not in any danger, he's not like that. And I've got my own money and places to go, people to call so I can and would easily go.
Trying for a while doesn't make things any worse for me, so I think it's quite low risk if I do decide to give him a chance.

Of course that's if I decide I even want to try. A relationship where I feel I need to be able to leave or can't fully trust my partner isn't my idea of a relationship and I'm not sure that even if he never does anything like this again, if he's not damaged things beyond repair.

@Girl this isn’t an isolated incident....you’ve been writing about him quite a bit.

Of course he can be good..isn’t that the 101 of abusers. They are good etc to reel you in!

You took him back last time (when your friends stayed and the heating), your mother isn’t that impressed with his behaviour towards you (and most probably your friends are not either). The depression and anxiety is a very convenient excuse....he sounds jealous, paranoid and controlling at best.

You sound lovely and are experienced in this, so tell him that he needs to work on therapy etc before you’ll even consider a relationship with him.

I just think I owe us and the Dc a chance to try.

I think you've said this exact sentence before. And you've also said many times that you can't live with him, that he's someone you didn't know and a complete dickhead.

I know he sounds really bad and I'm not making excuses for him. But it's difficult to fully explain and I don't think my posts give a well rounded view of him, obviously I've posted about problems we've had and usually when I'm cross/angry with him.

Of course they don't, although you have posted more pleasant things about him, but the bad is bad, and that's bad enough. Honestly, some of the worst of abusers are the nicest of people, super generous and give lavish gifts and attention to their partners. It's so that when they are awful, they make you question if they really are that bad, you think they can't be because they are also this super amazing person too.
It's classic. Not many people who are controlling or abusive are ever 100% bad.

In an earlier post you said that you doubted if anyone would believe it, you seem like a perfect couple and that's typical too, that's what most people think.
However, the friends he kicked out of your house and called a cunt would believe it, they've seen who he really is.

You've seen who he really is. You really have. If this was a one off, but it's not. He's dissipated w/o even calling you overnight. He's left you in the lurch, only showed interest in you for sex, controlled your own heating in your own home, verbally abused you and your friends and manipulates you to control you.

Honestly, this is bigger then you think, the pattern here is quite a lot and since this year, isn't it?

Have you contacted WA or anyone? You're alone now, so contact who you need.

I know you don't think it's anything much, but it's really not. Of course he seems nice now, he'll do anything to get you back and appear nice again.

so tell him that he needs to work on therapy etc before you’ll even consider a relationship with him.
This is what I plan to tell him @Lahlahfizzyfizzydodaz. I've got some contacts for him and he's already said he's seeing his Gp next week.

A few of my friends now know some of what's going on. I've had a lovely time today going shopping and for lunch with my best friends. Treated myself to some new clothes that actually fit and a few things for the baby.
He's sent me a picture of Ds ready for bed and a message saying he's been fine and they've had a nice day.
I feel a bit lost now I'm home all alone, even though Ds would be in bed anyway, it feels more lonely him not being here.

I haven't contacted woman's aid @womenspeakout. I know they're a fantastic organisation and I've worked with them before but they're very busy and there isn't anything they can do or really tell me about my situation.

You are making excuses for him though. It is not a good environment for children to be in. You shouldn't be exposing children to this behaviour.

I shared a house with a person for a year who controlled the heating. She turned it off when she was away so I was left in a freezing house in winter. I was furious. There were lots of other things so I moved out. Every other housemate didn't stay longer. I lasted the longest but nothing changed the controlling behaviour.

The heating wasn't about control, it was about wasting money and he wasn't leaving me and Ds freezing he turned it down to 18°.

He shouldn't be exposing his children to this behaviour @MyShinyWhiteTeeth. My dc are my primary concern which is why for now he's not living here. But his behaviour isn't on me and him not living here doesn't mean they won't be effected. Which is why him getting help for whatever makes him behave like he does is so important.

No it really is about control.

I remember you with the partner going out all the time and then you had sorted it plus you whitewashed over the sex thing.

Then the heating wtf was that other than controlling behaviour.

You say you’re a social worker. So why is it ok for your partner to be an abusive dickhead but your clients would be told to leave and go into a refuse or have non molestation orders out. What’s the difference here. You are now having a Daughter what would you tell her.

You also say you haven’t phoned WA why? Seriously why? Sod they are a big organisation. Tell them everything and then you will see this is abusive behaviour.

This is all escalated behaviour and don’t kid yourself he won’t get physical it might not be the next week or or even next year but one day he will because all his other methods are not working.

If he has anxiety and paranoia surely he’d of had therapy in the past. No it’s a convenient excuse to reel you back in. It’s most likely worked in the past with others.

Your choice at the end of the day but when you are treading on eggshells in the not to distant future what then for your kids.

is this the life you want for them.

The heating I really don't think it was @Blanca87. He never stopped me being able to control it myself and he wasn't leaving us in a freezing house, but if he was that would surely be counterproductive. I'd be less likely to stay in a cold house and more likely to go out somewhere instead.

I'm not saying his behaviour isn't abusive @Dullardmullard. I know controlling and coercive control are forms of abuse and I know he's displaying those signs, I'm just not sure if that's coming from his personality and it's who he is or if it's something else that he could work on.
Woman's aid can't tell me anything I don't know or help me with anything I can't access easy enough myself.
What would I be getting a non molestation order for? I've asked him to leave the family home and he has. I've asked him not to contact me unless it's about Ds and he isn't.

but if he was that would surely be counterproductive. I'd be less likely to stay in a cold house and more likely to go out somewhere instead.

You're kind of minimising and excusing it all again and rationalising it to fit how you want him to really be.

You said you kept going cold and not knowing why and he kept turning it down even though you told him you was too cold. Why would he need to be even touching it from work when it's you in the house with a young baby?

You're also not addressing so much else, as the other poster said, the sexual stuff too.

i really don't think you'd be wasting their time at all, you're exactly the type of person who needs to talk to them for them to highlight it all to you.

If you were to read all of your threads together and tell them all of the details, what do you think their answer to you would be? Be honest with yourself here, do you think they would say he's completely fine or do you think they would say he's being abusive and he's show aggression towards you when he has no control like when your friends were there.

Honestly, what do think they would say? I truly believe you need to phone them, especially as you're in a much more vulnerable situation being pregnant again, when this all began with a new baby.

But it's difficult to fully explain and I don't think my posts give a well rounded view of him

A 'well-rounded' view of this individual is tbat he's nice some of the time - of course he is, or you'd have walked! - and an arsehole some of the time.

We get it.

A well-rounded view of a normal, loving partner is that they're decent all of the time. Not perfect, because no-one is. But they are decent all the time.

Why don't you think you and your DC are entitled to one of these versions? Because they're out there.

Why do you want some weaselly, inferior specimen, who's acting all contrite now purely because he's in trouble. But in reality, is just biding his time until he reverts to his usual, sub-standard ways?

You've gone to great lengths to convince us and yourself that he's generally a good man but his behaviour does not support this. He absolutely fits the mould of abusive men. You're minimising his behaviour and the fact that it was another poster and not you who brought up his history of abusive, nasty behaviour is quite telling. Like many victims of abuse, you've already started excusing him and justifying staying with him because 'at least he doesn't hit me'.

Please, OP, understand that him getting counselling because you have asked him to, or because you have made it a condition of your continuing a relationship with him, will never work.

In fact even if he actually went, his counsellor would almost certainly turn him away.

The only way that any therapy could be of any benefit to him would be because he actively sought it out in order to address his insecurity issues that he was finding were causing him serious unhappiness and problems in his life. He would have to really genuinely want help. Counselling is hard work, and you have to be really motivated in order for it to be beneficial.

Your OH considers all these problems and all his seriously abnormal behaviours to be your fault. He would, in his mind, be absolutely fine if you would just change your behaviour just a little bit and not do all those things that cause strife. He hasn't even made the first step of admitting he has a problem. At the moment he is very happy to do exactly what it takes in order to manipulate you into continuing a relationship that he is perfectly happy with.

You are living in a completely different story to the one he is in.

Woman's aid can't tell me anything I don't know or help me with anything I can't access easy enough myself.

You know, this shows a real misunderstanding of what Women's Aid can help you with.

Your head is in the wrong place. Your head has been fucked. It happens so subtly that the owner of a fucked head actually cannot see it themselves, not even when the whole internet is telling them. They really can't - this is how it is when a normal intelligent woman lives with an abusive, neurotic man. It is absolutely usual for this to happen.

You need someone outside of your head to tell you exactly how fucked it is, and what a normal head would feel like.

That is why you need to speak to Women's Aid.

I take back what l wrote earlier and think the PP are spot on.

He may not be ‘physical’...yet. Please read the thread by melted, as your DP sounds like her DH. He wasn’t ‘physical’ until he attacked her in front of their daughter.

Please also realise that at the moment he is in ‘the good cycle’ to reel you back. He also is getting worse each time you post.

I've got some contacts for him and he's already said he's seeing his Gp next week.

Why are you finding counsellors? This is for him to do. If he genuinely means it when he says that he will do anything, then his entire focus should be on getting counselling sorted.

You are in denial. This board is chock full of women who swore blind that their partner wouldn't hurt them - until they did one day.

Why are you finding counsellors? This is for him to do.
Because @ControversialFerret I've got information from work on specific course and individuals who work with abusive men. I spoke to my boss who looked into it for me and contacted them to see who would/could take a private referral and if they had experience in these things in particular. He'd already made an appointment with his Gp, but they don't always know where/who to direct people to in these cases and will probably recommend relationship counselling which won't work for us at the moment.

That's not necessarily the case with what I've recommended he look into @Haffiana. I've sent people to these on court orders and they've been very reluctant but it's ended up having a positive impact.

I'm going to take a step back from this thread now. I know everyone has posted with the very best intentions and I'm very grateful for the time everyone has taken to respond and all the good wishes. But I'm feeling like some of the replies are telling me what I should do or feel about him and I'm feeling like I'm being pressured to react in a certain way.
When what I need right now is time to process everything that's happened and changed so far and time to think about what I want to do next.

He's not living with us right now and I'm being supported by my family and friends so I'm not alone in this.

OP you sound like me, I was also very self aware of his bullshit tactics to control me. I remember seeing an advert about coercive behaviour, rang WA told them and they confirmed he was controlling. From there I knew I had to leave. It was 6 months after I had our baby that I left. OP is there a part of you that's a bit scared of him? E.g. what he's going to be like once you left? I was but can say I 100% made the right choice.
I also kicked ex out and he thought it was temp until he went away to Amsterdam and I left the house and never returned! My life is much better, however he has left me damaged so the sooner you leave the better

I've sent people to these on court orders and they've been very reluctant but it's ended up having a positive impact.

What's the impact in the very long term? I'd be very interested coming from a family with abusive men, I've seen some good behaviour for a duration for 'show' I'd be interested if long term it's really any different.

OP, you don't have to do what anyone says here. I think everyone's just really concerned. I know I am as you have said many times you have to get away from him, but then explain away his behaviour.

You seem really smart and wised up, you clearly have great support from your mum and friends. Perhaps his time away will make you realise you can manage without him, and you also don't need to worry about his behaviour towards you anymore.

I think everyone just wishes you the best for yourself. That's what I do anyway.