To think he's just a dickhead?

[GirlOnIt]

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

I'm not sure I do know @Tobe123 or trust my judgment. I wasn't sure on the baby at all it wasn't something I wanted. That said I'd gotten used to the idea and was starting to feel excited.
It's a big decision to make and I obviously don't have time on my side. I'm going to give myself a few days and then I have to make a decision one way or the other on the baby front.

I think that might be the way we go @RandomMess. If he'll go to therapy and stay elsewhere while he does so.

Take the money out of it. Think about what you actually need, with or without the money attached.

And think about how you felt, that night when he conveniently stayed away when you wanted to see your friend, and all those other times he was suddenly too buy and you had no option but to put up with it.

Its not the money @PickAChew it's the kids. No Dc, he'd definitely be gone no questions asked.

He will still be their Dad if you separate don't let be the driving reason.

Look ahead 5 years, where do you see yourself?
Work towards this vision.

I know he'll still be their dad @RandomMess. It's just the practicalities and how I'll cope with two, housing all that stuff. No kids, I'd go home in a heartbeat, but I want what's best for them.

I've had to call him today because the hot water isn't working and I don't have a clue what to do or check. So he's coming on his lunch to check the boiler.

You're making a rod for your own back op. You didn't need to call him. You could have googled it, you could have called a professional. You sound like you're trying to convince yourself that you need him.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.
You are right - one problem at a time.
Get an emergency appointment with your GP and talk through all your options on termination etc.....
Then make that decision.
Then move onto the next thing.
You sound strong and you need to make the right decision for you and your DS right now, knowing you will be doing this alone!

Hey OP, couldn’t read and run. I was in a similar situation 3 1/2 years ago, although hubby was having an affair.
I was 18 weeks pregnant at the time of finding out and ending the relationship. Did I consider termination? Yes, for a time but chose to continue with my pregnancy. During that time I didn’t think about the baby, I didn’t have that maternal feeling and the feeling of despair was unimaginable.
Anyhow, EH thought he’d get his way, move his OW in, I’d leave, claim benefits. He was wrong! We had mediation resulting in us agreeing I’d stay in the family home, no other option, he rented a house. I continued my part time job and claimed tax credits and I had my baby. Life now, 3 1/2 years on, if fine. I’m a single mum to 2 gorgeous boys living in my home and I work.
It was rough, boy was it rough! If I can do it, you can

It's still his house and his money I'd use if I phoned someone @itsmyapplepie. And he knows what he's doing with stuff like that. He was only here 10 mins and I've got hot water. He's coming to see Ds after work tonight anyway, it's not like I can avoid him.

That's my plan @hellsbellsmelons. I've got an appointment at a clinic to discuss my options. GP wait would be too long.

You were married though @Rockinmomma. I'm not. I'll get 50% of the house and joint savings and that's it. We're still tied into a mortgage deal too, so selling would be difficult. Unless he agrees otherwise.

Although I realised somewhat ironically. If he doesn't want me going out and having a life outside the kids, him leaving is the best way to achieve that.
I'm even more reliant on him coming to care for Ds now and if he stops me accessing the joint account, I'll be skint. So won't be going anywhere.

You won't be more reliant on him - you can't rely on him anyway! You will find other more reliable sitters who will come when they say they will.

Part of the frustration when the father pisses about is that it's their own children they are messing about too.

When you are a single mum you can make many more decisions yourself without running it by the annoying/useless/destructive ex.

You won't be the first or last woman to bring up children on her own. It's not easy, but I'd say it's far easier than staying in a half hearted partnership when you can't rely on the other person.

It's bloody empowering too - knowing yourself, knowing you don't have to and won't put up with shoddy behaviour.

Get good financial advice and you will know where you stand. You can then decide whether to stay/leave/negotiate/ from a position of knowledge.

It's hard because he isn't useless he's good at a lot of the stuff, housework, helping with Ds. Those stuff have never been a issue. And like tonight I go to yoga, he's been to put Ds to bed so I did still go. Those things he's ok with.

I guess and I hate even thinking this and feel like I need to shake myself. But I can't help thinking is he bad enough to end it. Will I be better without him or worse. I'm just really not sure. And I do love him and Ds adores him.

My home is joint mortgage too. If you do decide to end the relationship and neither of you can come to an amicable agreement about the house you have to go to mediation. In mediation you each are honest about your personal finances and the mediator gives non partial legal advice. If an agreement is not made then, the mediator writes a certificate declaring you can’t agree so it needs to be decided by a judge.
In my situation, both on deeds, both on mortgage, neither able to buy the other out. I was pregnant and the main guardian of our children, we were advised a court would favour in keeping them in their family home. Marriage didn’t come into it

GirlOnIt - I think you need to step back a little bit from all the "LTB" cries on this thread, and evaluate your situation for what you know it to be. It is absolutely easy to view this scenario in the worst case light, and say that yes there are red flags, and he's a twat and you should rise up like a strong independent female and live you life as a single mother with all the its "hard but plenty do it" opinions. I'll be Devils Advocate here; I think that what he done was arsey massively arsey , but nothing worth throwing away an otherwise good relationship for. We are all arses sometimes! I think that you both need to have a grown up conversation where you explain why this has angered you so much, why it is unacceptable and what you expect form him going forward. And he should be able to have the same conversation with anything that annoys him. And you decide from there if it is salvageable.

Being a single mum is bloody hard and I've done it, and many more have probably done a far better job of it than me. I didn't have an option, and I don't advocate staying with any old idiot for the sake of an easy life, but I really don't feel that him spoiling a fairly casual evening out is worth you throwing your whole life into turmoil.

~cue the MN pitchforks~

If you feel strong enough to stay and call him out on every bit of controlling behaviour and always use babysitters etc. Perhaps you can make it work for you.

Do you have people to talk to that will help you keep check on yourself that you are not letting him control you for an easier life.

The comments about ending bf - again call him out on it as being manipulative. If you are not afraid of confrontation etc you may be able to make it work long enough to see if he can change/stop trying to pull the bullshit on you or the opposite that he just gets worse in which case again you know you gave him every chance possible to make the relationship work.

KOKO

I guess and I hate even thinking this and feel like I need to shake myself. But I can't help thinking is he bad enough to end it. Will I be better without him or worse. I'm just really not sure. And I do love him and Ds adores him.

I think you need to go back to the start of your thread and read through all your posts.

Is he bad enough to leave? Really is he good enough to stay?

He lied to you. He controls you. Plenty of other things in your posts.

You deserve better from him. Can he step up? Or will you be wasting your time? Only you know that.

it's just because he loves me so much and I don't realise what that does to him.

This scares the life out of me after being in an abusive relationship. Still haunts me. Please stay strong over this OP. If you need to chat feel free to pM xx

I do have a really supportive family and friends @RandomMess. I know I'm very lucky in that respect.
I'm going into work on Friday for a keep in touch day and I'm going to sort out the details of my return date/holidays etc and when I'll go on mat leave again.
I've decided that I'm going to go ahead with the pregnancy. A second baby will make it more difficult I know that, but I just don't have it in me for a termination at this stage. It's too late for me, although I'm completely pro choice and respect that for others it would be the right thing to do.

Had a few texts from Dp, mostly about Ds. He's being a lot quieter than I was expecting if I'm honest. He's going to have Ds at his parents on Saturday night and I've agreed we can go out for lunch on the Sunday with Ds, but to hopefully talk about what we do next.

Hi OP, how are things today?

I didn't comment on this the other day, but for a while I've been a bit worried about you and your DS from your previous troubles.

I think in your head you're doing what so many do and thinking because he can be so good and charming, that he can't be all that bad, but honestly, he's controlling (here keeping you from friends, your heating before) verbally abusive to you and your friends and manipulative.

It's strange he was willing to have another baby so soon because he decided to start acting so badly and leaving you all the time with the first. He seems to be controlling you through the children and knowing your stuck in and he can do what he wants. I wonder if the baby is further control of you in one way?

You're a social worker, so you'll know how many women say he's not really that bad and he's great most of the time. How he is in those other times, are him too. No excuses.

I'm a little worried for you OP, please don't minimise it, you must know the dangers of that.

I'm ok @womenspeakout. Been into work thjs morning and that was nice, looked up a few things while there too and spoke to my boss who's really great and supportive.

I do know what women typically say and do. And I know pregnancy and babies arriving is a key time for abuse to begin.
But Dp just doesn't fit the mould and so many things don't fit with him being abusive. I do think his behaviour could be coming from his insecurities about our relationship. Not that it makes its right or ok, but I think that could be something he could work on.
Dp told me that he suffered with anxiety and severe depression as a teen, this isn't something I knew but his parents confirmed it. He admitted he's been paranoid that I'm not happy with him and Ds and that I'm going to leave him.
He's booked a Gp appointment as his first point of call but says he's willing to do or try anything to make things right.

This Dc (or DD I can now say, we found out this afternoon we're having a little girl) wasn't planned, Dp was happy about it though.

Honestly, that's what so many women say, and there's been so many of your posts and they do highlight levels of abuse, and so many women say the exact same thing.

But, there's so much there. When he left you over and over after having your son. Then when he said he'd stay to have sex, but left as you didn't want any.
He disappeared w/o you knowing where he was overnight. He was verbally abusive to you and your friends as he was jealous and you agreed not to have anyone stay again, and now this, not allowing you to see your friend.

Then there's that he kept turning your heating low using the app on the phone when you weren't there, another low level form of controlling you when you'd asked him to leave it so you and your baby could stay warm.

So many times you've said it's enough, you can't go on. You know what's really going on here. Those are excuses he's telling you. His charm has worked well, but that other side is still him.

Also, if he's admitting he's jealous/insecure, he's essentially admitting he did prevent you from seeing your friend on purpose.

Are you still engaged?

If you plan to try and give it a go, then do three things:

1. Keep your own finances so you have access to money. By all means have a joint account for household bills, but have your salary paid into your own account and transfer a percentage into the joint one.

1. Get married. I realise this sounds counter-intuitive but you have far more financial protection if you're married than if you are co-habiting. It doesn't need to be anything fancy; 20 minutes at the local town hall and have a fancy reception at a later date if you want.

1. Counselling is non-negotiable. Individual for him and jointly for you both. He needs to be clear that this is the last chance saloon and if he fucks it up again then he's out.