HELP! Good friends hen do clashes with husbands 30th

[ThaBel]

Hi guys,

I’ve just been invited to a good friend (in my close friendship circle, but not ‘bridesmaid’ bestie!)’s hen do abroad for 3 days next year.

It happens to fall over the weekend that my husband turns 30 (and wanted to have a party)

What do I do??

My husband is generally quite a laid back/shy kind of guy so I don’t want to take away from him the one time he wants to celebrate himself!

But I also want to be there for my friends hen, a) for her, she’s coming on mine and she is a v good friend .... and b) I have two little boys and would love a chance to holiday with my friends!

We could do a party another weekend, but not entirely sure either the one directly before or after is going to work, yet.

Hubby says don’t worry, go, but I can’t help but feel he’s disappointed. I don’t want to be there and feel guilt that I should be at home?

Should I feel guilt?? Should I go? What would you do?

Thanks!

How dramatic. No one HAS to go on the weekend away. As I am not, and she is not forcing me to, ha

Didn’t say she had forced you but it is presumptuous to have overseas hen parties!

Hmm the party might be a bit flat if half of your friend group are away

Is he friends with the men? How about booking him a lads night away over his bday weekend whilst you do the hen and then have a big party the following weekend?

But id only do that if he was genuinely keen. Otherwise I’d def stay with him (and I say that as someone who doesn’t bother to celebrate her own bday but recognise how important it is to other people)

I take my birthday way too seriously (life is too short so why not make at least one day all about yourself & make it count). I treat my DH & my children the same when it's their birthday. My DH couldn't give a damn about birthdays & says he doesn't need a reason to do something special or fun (also a good way to view life). In a nutshell, I'd be gutted if he missed mine for another occasion but he genuinely wouldn't care the other way round

Any old birthday - I'd go on the other special occasion, in this case the hen do

A milestone - I'd prioritise that but would consider all options after discussions & ensuring the milestone birthday person was happy (I consider 30th a milestone)

Probs not very helpful OP but if you don't do the hen do, could you arrange a holiday/break away for you & DH that weekend instead?

I forgot to add:

I had a really good friend who prioritised a non existent 40th celebration for her brother (Not on his actual birthday) due to discussions on what worked in their family over my wedding day which she knew the date for 18 months in advance.

At RSVP deadline & the 40th plans still not in place, she declined my wedding invite

I left her RSVP open as a 'maybe' evening guest only

Very close to the big day she said she now could come all day as the 40th celebration was a different day

She remained evening only. She couldn't prioritise me 18 months in advance so I wouldn't prioritise her at the last minute & weddings aren't easy to just fit someone in anyway!

It still makes me to be honest

It wouldnt come to MN saying "LTB" if the tables were turned because if the woman posted that she told him it was okay then I imagine the advise would be to tell him it wasnt okay. We arent mind readers. If you dont have reason to think they arent being honest then if someone says they dont mind you going and you want to go then take them on their word.

Don’t be ridiculous dancingbear

Ops dh has said to go. Half their friends will be there. There would be no LTB if the situations was reversed & the Birthday girl said it was ok! I’m a big girl I can cope on a birthday without dh glued to my side!

If you're not going now anyway, then decision made? Doesn't really matter what us lot think on MN now anyway does it?

If it's reassurance you want that it would be ok to go should you change your mind, or that you've made the right decision, there are SO many variables here that nobody can really judge what is right or wrong for you or DH. Some people see birthdays as important, some don't for a whole maze of reasons. I can only really share how it made me feel when DH chose hobbies over my birthday, but iur relationship is a lot different to yours and with a more supportive, affectionate partner, it may not have bothered me so much.

If you want to go and he wants you to go, go.

I’m sorry if you were a top priority for her she would move it. You need to make your hubby a priority.

hubby

She can’t move it as there are no other dates during June and July that both her maid of honour and her Mum can both do.

Of course them being there comes before anyone else. She tried - as I have said - and she is also gutted. I am not entitled! I’m also choosing not to go.

Here comes ‘so you shouldn’t prioritise her’...

Totally different though, isn’t it?

It’s not like I’m saying who shall I invite to my party, my husband or my friend? It’s two completely different things.