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Original poster

HELP! Good friends hen do clashes with husbands 30th

160 replies

ThaBel · 29/05/2019 00:06

Hi guys,

I’ve just been invited to a good friend (in my close friendship circle, but not ‘bridesmaid’ bestie!)’s hen do abroad for 3 days next year.

It happens to fall over the weekend that my husband turns 30 (and wanted to have a party)

What do I do??

My husband is generally quite a laid back/shy kind of guy so I don’t want to take away from him the one time he wants to celebrate himself!

But I also want to be there for my friends hen, a) for her, she’s coming on mine and she is a v good friend .... and b) I have two little boys and would love a chance to holiday with my friends!

We could do a party another weekend, but not entirely sure either the one directly before or after is going to work, yet.

Hubby says don’t worry, go, but I can’t help but feel he’s disappointed. I don’t want to be there and feel guilt that I should be at home?

Should I feel guilt?? Should I go? What would you do?

Thanks!

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 30/05/2019 11:25

Go on the hen do and have 30th weekend after.

Adults don't need to celebrate on the actual day and it will be more fun if everyone goes.

Have fun celebrating both!!

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 30/05/2019 11:29

Yep husband's 30th should be number 1, or any spouse for that matter in the importance stakes. Hen/stag dos abroad, probably a pleasure to have a good excuse not to go.

Otterhound · 30/05/2019 11:58

Just dont go to York on your Hen do would my only practical advise on this.....

INeedAFlerken · 30/05/2019 11:58

I don't get all the handwringing over the very idea of DH having to parent his own children alone on his birthday.

He's a grown up. Old enough to have a job, a wife and children.

Plenty of single parents do these things day in and day out, including on their birthdays, holidays, etc.

I would go on the rare opportunity for a weekend with your good girlfriends, like your DH has, being a grown up, said you should. You can celebrate his birthday before or after you go if you must.

And 30 isn't much of a milestone, imo. Making it to 50, 60, 75 ... 80 in good health ... that's something to celebrate these days.

CIT80 · 30/05/2019 12:09

I would go on the hen personally and I know my dog wouldn’t mind - you can celebrate the weekend before or after his celebration doesn’t have to be on the exact day does it ?

Choodechoo · 30/05/2019 12:16

It genuinely sounds like he doesn't bother too much with birthdays so maybe you should go? Personally, because I don't get much time for me, birthdays mean a lot to me so I was gutted that DH would choose something else over my birthday.

It sounds like you get a lot of quality couple time anyway so it doesn't phase him if you go. Again, we don't get any quality time together so I get really upset when DH opts for something else over my birthday (every year 😪).

If he's happy-go!

WitchyBollox · 30/05/2019 22:08

Then definitely go. Seems silly not to. An adult birthday should really not be a big deal IMO.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 30/05/2019 22:13

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t really think seriously about going either.

XXcstatic · 30/05/2019 22:17

Hen do but you organise a party for DH the weekend before and you sort out a babysitter so that he can go out with his mates on the actual day.

BadLad · 31/05/2019 00:12

I think he really does mean it

Well you know him better than us, so go.

Some people on here don't give a toss if their birthday goes with nothing more than a "Happy Birthday" over breakfast. Others would be fuming, living or incandescent if their OH didn't take the day off work for their birthday (not on this thread, but I've seen it in other threads). And there's every possible opinion in between,

We've no idea where your husband falls in that range. If he has said he couldn't give a shit, then go if you think he means it.

Come to think of it, even if you don't think so, you should probably go. It's always best to ignore passive aggressive behaviour. It sounds as if that isn't the case here, so...

In the name of God, go!

S021 · 31/05/2019 05:48

I had the similar dilemma last year, except I had a larger role at the wedding and it wasn’t even a significant birthday for my DH,

I didn’t even consider going on the hen do.

Thismummyruns · 31/05/2019 05:57

Not being funny but close friends wouldn't book something on another close friends hubbies birthday for this very reason. What has your friend said about this dilemma?

Btw, I think you have a very understanding OH who sounds lovely but I still wouldn't go even if my OH said to go

floribunda18 · 31/05/2019 06:06

I missed an absolutely corking hen do of one of my oldest friends, because another good friend was getting married on that day. Sometimes you can't do everything.

BillywilliamV · 31/05/2019 06:08

Gosh OP, aren’t you lucky? A cast iron excuse for not going on a hen do!

category12 · 31/05/2019 06:14

The 30th isn't a "milestone" birthday and you can organise a piss up for him the following weekend.

Original poster
ThaBel · 31/05/2019 06:18

This mummy runs -

She said she’s so sorry and she hadn’t known his 30th fell that weekend - she spoke to the girls who were organising and asked if there was another weekend that they could do in June/July.

Unfortunately her maid of honour is an air hostess and already has her rota - 2 weekends off in June and July this one and the only other weekend, her mum is already away.

I can’t expect any more than her to try! That really is the only weekend they can do..

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 31/05/2019 06:24

Husbands birthday. sorry.

category12 · 31/05/2019 07:25

You could still make his birthday special and be away - you could arrange a delivery of something he likes on the day or, I dunno, a mariachi band to turn up and serenade him Grin. And then have a birthday bash the following weekend.

It's not a choice of you're away partying and he's alone with nothing and nobody and nothing to look forward to and woe!

category12 · 31/05/2019 08:54

Things you could arrange to make his birthday special and yet not be there :

  1. Prime the dc with presents and cards. And a token gift from you, the proper one to follow when you get back.
  2. If old enough, prompt them to make him breakfast in bed. If not, one of the presents they give could be a box with croissants or bagels in, and a note to tell him where in the fridge his favourite topping is concealed. Possibly jam in a 30th balloon to pop out when he opens the box.
  3. Arrange a nice evening for him. Babysitter and he gets to go out. Babysitter not possible, well, if he's into poker nights, arrange best mate Bob to bring the boys round and have a box of stuff for him to use for it, with snacks, new deck, dealer's visor, chocolate cigars. If he's a tabletop gamer, same sort of thing, extension pack of his favourite game, etc. Film buff: bunch of movies and cinema style snacks. Etc etc. If mates coming round isn't going to work, then have his favourite meal ready to go in the fridge.

There's lots you can do to make his birthday a good day with a bit of thought and planning. Being away for it is only really shit if you just bugger off and do nothing.

Scott72 · 31/05/2019 08:55

@choodechoo Your husband did sacrifice this once a year event he looks forward to for your 30th birthday, yet because he couldn't feign complete happiness you've "never felt the same way about him since". I hope you're exaggerating.

feelingsinister · 31/05/2019 09:16

Looks like you have your answer OP. Go!

And ignore all the 'hen parties are shit' comments, sometimes they're really fun but it depends if you have a stick up your arse.

Personally, when I'm with my friends we make it fun. We can enjoy ourselves in a traffic jam so a slightly tacky hen do, bring it on.
We like each other's company so we do hen parties, baby showers, festivals, big nights out etc and if it's a bit shit we laugh about it and get stuck in. 👍

Frith2013 · 31/05/2019 09:40

No contest. I also think brides who think they’re so important that people should pay to go abroad for them are massively selfish.

DappledThings · 31/05/2019 09:49

Not being funny but close friends wouldn't book something on another close friends hubbies birthday for this very reason

I wouldn't have a clue when my friends' husbands' birthdays are. Is that usually something people know?

Ihatehashtags · 31/05/2019 09:54

It’s only a hens do. Not a big deal

Benes · 31/05/2019 12:04

I wouldn't have a clue when my friends' husbands' birthdays are. Is that usually something people know?

Of course it is.....I consider my close friends husbands as friends so they get cards and sometimes presents if that's part of what we do.