Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP! Good friends hen do clashes with husbands 30th

160 replies

ThaBel · 29/05/2019 00:06

Hi guys,

I’ve just been invited to a good friend (in my close friendship circle, but not ‘bridesmaid’ bestie!)’s hen do abroad for 3 days next year.

It happens to fall over the weekend that my husband turns 30 (and wanted to have a party)

What do I do??

My husband is generally quite a laid back/shy kind of guy so I don’t want to take away from him the one time he wants to celebrate himself!

But I also want to be there for my friends hen, a) for her, she’s coming on mine and she is a v good friend .... and b) I have two little boys and would love a chance to holiday with my friends!

We could do a party another weekend, but not entirely sure either the one directly before or after is going to work, yet.

Hubby says don’t worry, go, but I can’t help but feel he’s disappointed. I don’t want to be there and feel guilt that I should be at home?

Should I feel guilt?? Should I go? What would you do?

Thanks!

OP posts:
category12 · 31/05/2019 13:12

I don't know any of my friends' partners' birthdays. (No, tell a lie, one of them has it the day before mine, otherwise, no clue.) I never expected them to know my partner's either. Not everyone does the couples socialising thing.

CostanzaG · 31/05/2019 13:36

But if you do then it's perfectly normal to know when your friends partner's birthday is......and it sounds like the op and her friends do socialise as couples.

S021 · 31/05/2019 13:44

I completely get that choodechoo 💐

Comefromaway · 31/05/2019 14:30

I don't even know when my friend's birthdays are, never mind their husband's.

swissmilk · 31/05/2019 21:34

Would definitely go on the hen-do and move the birthday celebrations to a different weekend and make it a good one.
I really don't I stand the conflict, it's not a competition and the dh's celebrations aren't organised yet.

S021 · 31/05/2019 22:10

You can’t move a birthday!

category12 · 31/05/2019 23:03

You can have the birthday party the following weekend. It's really not a big deal.

S021 · 31/05/2019 23:08

It’s not really about the party though is it?
It’s the birthday that’s important

category12 · 31/05/2019 23:10

OP could still arrange to make it a good day for him without having to be there and they could extend the celebrations to the next weekend, if she put a bit of thought in. I don't see why her presence is mandatory.

BeckyAnnLeeman · 31/05/2019 23:13

There are people who keep a note of their friends' partners' birthdays?

Mind blown.

Grin
TildaTurnip · 31/05/2019 23:15

If hen dos were still just a night out then this wouldn’t be an issue. It’s so presumptuous and entitled to expect people to take time off work and spend so much money! So for that reason I’d not go. I’d be glad of a valid excuse tbh. I’d not want to leave my husband on his birthday for a jolly either.

Go on the hen do. Friends are so important
DPs tend to be too Grin

BeckyAnnLeeman · 31/05/2019 23:17

Some people on MN get incensed at the very mention of hen weekends. The OP's partner seem keen for her to go and the OP seems keen to go, so in that situation......she should go. And have a good time.

madcatladyforever · 31/05/2019 23:19

Husband should always come first. I think no matter what he says he'd be gutted if you didn't put him first.
if someone did that to me I'd be pissed off.

AdaShelby · 31/05/2019 23:34

I think the main point here though is that she's desperate to go, despite reading what most people on here think.

If you're that desperate and you're sure it won't cause resentment just go.

Randommanopinions · 31/05/2019 23:38

This is easily resolved. Tell DH that if he agrees to looking after kids on his birthday whilst OP is off having a great time with girlfriends, then OP will bring back one of said girlfriends for a threesome on return.

I know of no man who would not be delighted with this offer.

overdrive · 01/06/2019 00:03

Why do you call him your husband if he isn't ? Confused

thedancingbear · 01/06/2019 05:34

‘It’s my 30th birthday soon. We were going to have a party to celebrate but instead my husband has decided to jet off on a stag do with his mates’:

Would, of course, elicit cries of ‘he Doesn’t respect you’, LTB etc.

Funny place this sometimes.

Original poster
ThaBel · 01/06/2019 07:12

Overdrive:

He will be my husband then.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThaBel · 01/06/2019 07:13

AdaShelby:

I’m not ‘desperate to go’ as I’ve already mentioned, I’m not going.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThaBel · 01/06/2019 07:20

This is the first time I’ve posted on here and I’m genuinely shocked at how many rude and passive aggressive people are. I wasn’t asking whether I should sleep with someone else and not tell him ....

There clearly isn’t an ‘obvious’ answer as there have been lots of different opinions.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 01/06/2019 07:25

im with the go on the hen do and celebrate dhs birthday the wkend before or after crowd.

its no big deal for adults (or children) to have a party a few days after/before the actual day is it?

Helmetbymidnight · 01/06/2019 07:27

both dc had parties not on their birthdays this year and went to school/clubs on their actual birthday! Shock

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 01/06/2019 07:34

When a partner vs friendship dilemma ensues, I turn to music to help me in my decision making. In this instance I think Wannabe by the Spice Girls is appropriate:

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
Make it last forever friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is”

There’s your answer. Smile

Original poster
ThaBel · 01/06/2019 07:35

‘It’s so presumptuous and entitled to expect people to take time off work and spend so much money!‘

How dramatic. No one HAS to go on the weekend away. As I am not, and she is not forcing me to, ha.

OP posts:
miaows · 01/06/2019 08:01

Personally I'd go to the hen do. Have his bday party weekend before or after. This would be a no brainer for me. Especially the fact the hens are part of his circle too. Ugh imagine missing a weekend away with friends for a few hours at a party not a hope.