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Original poster

HELP! Good friends hen do clashes with husbands 30th

160 replies

ThaBel · 29/05/2019 00:06

Hi guys,

I’ve just been invited to a good friend (in my close friendship circle, but not ‘bridesmaid’ bestie!)’s hen do abroad for 3 days next year.

It happens to fall over the weekend that my husband turns 30 (and wanted to have a party)

What do I do??

My husband is generally quite a laid back/shy kind of guy so I don’t want to take away from him the one time he wants to celebrate himself!

But I also want to be there for my friends hen, a) for her, she’s coming on mine and she is a v good friend .... and b) I have two little boys and would love a chance to holiday with my friends!

We could do a party another weekend, but not entirely sure either the one directly before or after is going to work, yet.

Hubby says don’t worry, go, but I can’t help but feel he’s disappointed. I don’t want to be there and feel guilt that I should be at home?

Should I feel guilt?? Should I go? What would you do?

Thanks!

OP posts:
feelingsinister · 29/05/2019 07:46

I'd go on the hen do. He can have a piss up with his mates while you are away and have a party another weekend. As you said, some of his friends are away with you anyway.

I know a 30th is a big deal but so is your friend getting married.

I agree that family should be priority but actually my closest friends were there way before my partner was and they're very important to me too. I'm not one to put my partner above everyone else all the time, my priorities change according to what's going on.

wonderwhat · 29/05/2019 07:46

I’d go on the hen do. His birthday party can happen the weekend before

AllTheProsecco · 29/05/2019 07:52

I'd go on the hen do too.
Yes 30 is a milestone but your DH is an adult and does have a birthday every year...

as you say, half your friends will be on the Hen anyway so organise a big piss up for another day and do something else special.

DS was born 2 weeks after DH's 30th so we celebrated together and with friends a few weeks earlier Incase he came early or I felt like shit.

Also, DH is going on a friends stag for my birthday leaving me with DD(2) and DS(4 months). Not a milestone and am a little disappointed but it's a stag do and hopefully this friend will only ever have the one.

Lilybo7 · 29/05/2019 07:52

Similar thing happened to me last yr. DP's 40th clashed with this festival abroad that all our friends were going to and I was desperate to go to. He knew I wanted to go and said I could (but in a tone that I knew he wasn't happy about). I didn't go as I would have felt way too guilty and it would have inevitably come back to haunt me.

NameChangeNugget · 29/05/2019 07:55

Go on the hen do. Friends are so important.

CostanzaG · 29/05/2019 08:00

Your husband's birthday should be a priority.

My ex husband prioritised a stag do over a significant event of mine and it hurt.

It's not even a debate.

Babysharp6 · 29/05/2019 08:02

I am a bloke and I would 100% want my OH to go on the hen do. Blokes are generally not as precious about things like this. Only you know your Husband though.

LemonTT · 29/05/2019 08:07

The thing that would bother me is that the bride or her delegate choose this date based on other people’s availability. Why wasn’t this taken into account then by the bride or the OP.

It’s the first thing people do and at that point you say you can’t go.

feelingsinister · 29/05/2019 08:08

@CostanzaG actually it is a debate because not everyone agrees.

Biancadelrioisback · 29/05/2019 08:12

No way would I miss DHs birthday. He doesn't rank lower than my friends and I would be hurt if the roles were reversed.
Id be more annoyed that my friends didn't consider this when picking the date...

DappledThings · 29/05/2019 08:16

It's not even a debate

Of course it's a debate as the varied opinions here show. It's not some moral absolute!

I'd go on the hen do. One off events always trump things that happen every year. And I don't think it being a "milestone" one makes it more significant.

CostanzaG · 29/05/2019 08:21

Well it wouldn't be debate in my house feeling
The hen do invite would have been politely declined. Knowing you aren't someone's priority feels shit.

I had a friend miss my hen do for a similar reason. We just got together separately and she was at the wedding which was the most important thing.

BackforGood · 29/05/2019 08:23

Surprised how inflexible with dates so many people are here.
Obviously the thing to do is arrange the 30th birthday party for a date that suits you and all your friends.
Both dh and I (and indeed one of our dc) always have any parties on different dates from our birthdays, due to when they fall meaning a lnot of people wouldn't be there otherwise. Daft to 'choose' when you can do both.

Completely different if youd already booked / arranged something when you got the hen party invitation, but you haven't.

NannyRed · 29/05/2019 08:34

Have a lovely day with your husband, hen do’s are over rated crap anyway.

rainbowgirl80 · 29/05/2019 09:07

If your husband had the opportunity for a boys holiday and it fell on his 30th would he go or say he couldn't because he wanted to spend it with you and the dc?

The reason I ask is my husband turns 40 and I'm gutted he has decided to do a lads only holiday for his birthday and will celebrate it with me and the kids either before or after but I understand it's his birthday and this is something he has wanted to do for a very long time.

I'd go on the hen and have the party the week after. As a PP mentioned we spend a lot of time with our husbands and partners and often forget our friends who have been there before and after partners.

TintinandSnowy · 29/05/2019 09:17

I'd go on the hen do and arrange the birthday party on another weekend. And maybe do something extra with DH to make up for missing his actual birthday.

RitmoRatmo · 29/05/2019 09:28

I don’t think the issue here is whether the OPs DH should have his party on an alternative weekend, it’s the fact that the OP clearly states that the actual day of his bday would be whilst she’s away. Meaning he’d be waking up alone on his bday, looking after their kids all day single-handedly, then going to bed alone. On his 30th bday. Bit of a shit way to spend your bday just so your wife can go on a girls’ weekend.

Even if the OP threw a party for him the following weekend, it’d still mean her DH would have had a shit actual birthday.

If the roles were reversed on here (‘DH has gone away on a stag do and left me alone on my 30th bday looking after our kids’) there’d be an absolute justified outcry of ‘LTB’! Shock

EpicDay · 29/05/2019 09:51

As always, it depends on how things work in your relationship. Without a doubt if it were me I would go on the hen do but then my family have always taken the view that actual days and dates matter so much less than being kind and respectful year round. But you must have a feeling as to whether your DH minds - and that is a very personal thing that we can’t help you with.

PollyShelby · 29/05/2019 11:46

I agree that if a man had reversed this and posted there would be an outcry,

SVRT19674 · 29/05/2019 12:04

I would prioritise my husband's birthday. No question.

magoria · 29/05/2019 12:06

I think that your H wanted this but has still said go and put you first means he shows how much he cares for you and you should stay and put him first.

Original poster
ThaBel · 29/05/2019 12:25

Well having a party on his actual birthday is now totally out of the question - he said he would rather do the weekend after for a party when all the girls are around (a lot of them are in relationships with his friends too).

And no - I wasn’t planning to take my children with me on the hen weekend, wasn’t meant to read like that haha Shock

Thanks all!

OP posts:
ethelredonagoodday · 29/05/2019 12:28

I ended up moving my 40th birthday party last year, because my best friend was a bridesmaid for a friend of hers, on my actual birthday, and I wanted her to be there. I knew a good 6 months before, so it was fine. With enough notice it shouldn't be a biggie?

EllenRachel · 29/05/2019 12:35

I would stay with my husband for his birthday - but I wouldn't enjoy a 3 day hen do abroad so my answer is obviously biased!

CostanzaG · 29/05/2019 12:56

It's not about the party though is it? It's about spending your birthday with your partner.
However, according to MN actually wanting to celebrate your birthday is considered weird