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Original poster

HELP! Good friends hen do clashes with husbands 30th

160 replies

ThaBel · 29/05/2019 00:06

Hi guys,

I’ve just been invited to a good friend (in my close friendship circle, but not ‘bridesmaid’ bestie!)’s hen do abroad for 3 days next year.

It happens to fall over the weekend that my husband turns 30 (and wanted to have a party)

What do I do??

My husband is generally quite a laid back/shy kind of guy so I don’t want to take away from him the one time he wants to celebrate himself!

But I also want to be there for my friends hen, a) for her, she’s coming on mine and she is a v good friend .... and b) I have two little boys and would love a chance to holiday with my friends!

We could do a party another weekend, but not entirely sure either the one directly before or after is going to work, yet.

Hubby says don’t worry, go, but I can’t help but feel he’s disappointed. I don’t want to be there and feel guilt that I should be at home?

Should I feel guilt?? Should I go? What would you do?

Thanks!

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 29/05/2019 13:00

Good plan, OP - I think your DH losing half his guests to the hen party would have been a shame, so this looks like a win all round.

CassianAndor · 29/05/2019 13:00

Also - people have more than one milestone birthday in their lives, but (probably) only one hen do.

RantyAnty · 29/05/2019 13:40

DH's birthday.

Really surprised nobody asked you if it was a good date for you.

RitmoRatmo · 29/05/2019 13:40

When did hen parties become as big events as weddings themselves? And when did attending friends’ pre-wedding piss-ups become more important than spending the day of your spouse’s landmark birthday with him/her?

And OP have I got this right... you’re planning to leave your DH to do all the childcare for your kids alone over his own birthday? Hmm. Lone-parenting all weekend on my birthday wouldn’t be my idea of feeling valued by my spouse. In fact, I’d be on here asking if I should LTB.

Pipandmum · 29/05/2019 13:45

I wouldn’t care if my husband told me he was going to be away for my 30th. It’s a birthday, there’s one every year. But hopefully this will be your friend’s only hen do! I’d go.

MaximusHeadroom · 29/05/2019 13:52

For me, my DH would have priority.

If he said he was going to miss my birthday because he was on a stag do I would be pretty hurt. It's not like it hasn't been on the calendar for the last 30 years...

Original poster
ThaBel · 29/05/2019 14:01

I think one of our mums would have probably had the boys for the day/eve for him if I had gone.

If the shoe was on the other foot I honestly do believe that if he was still organising me a nice party and taking me out before he went away, I would be happy with him going on the stag Shock

Id enjoy the actual day with my friends / mum ...

But we do both have really close friendship groups that we spend time with both together and also as separate boy/girl groups.

I’ve already declined the invitation, by the way, he doesn’t know yet.

But it’s still interesting to hear how differently everyone sees it!

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 29/05/2019 14:06

I hate hen do's and all the fuss/money involved in three day ones abroad. So I'd stay at home and celebrate with DH.

Everydayzero · 29/05/2019 16:28

From a guys perspective I think you could definitely go on the hen do and make it work (30th birthdays are great for having multiple celebrations).
Rather than the specific date I think what’s most important is feeling valued by the people you love.
I’d suggest that one day in the week before his birthday get your mum to babysit and take your husband out to his favourite restaurant to have a little celebration just the 2 of you.
Then go on the hen do but plan some stuff for him back home,
i.e sat morning something fun with boys then perhaps lunch with his parents who could then take the kids until Sunday afternoon and arrange with his mates to take him out for drunken night out celebrating. (My 30th we went on a nostalgic pub crawl around all the shit bars we used to go to in our 20’s)
Then you get the big party with all your family and friends the following weekend.

Artioo2 · 29/05/2019 17:30

If it was me, I'd tell my DP about the clash and say I was happy not to go, and he'd immediately and genuinely say I should go and arrange his birthday party on another weekend. And I'd take what he said at face value, and go.

We just had my 8-year-old's party three weeks after his actual birthday for various reasons. He was fine, so a 30-year-old should be able to handle it. Confused

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 29/05/2019 17:30

Go on the hen and have the 30th the weekend before or after!

MrsDilligaf · 29/05/2019 18:04

Personally speaking I'd bin off the hen do, even if my DH had said he was okay with me going.

BUT... I think that hen do's are outrageously expensive and over-rated, so my view is a bit clouded.

WitchyBollox · 29/05/2019 21:39

My DH would absolutely want me to go. We would arrange his party on a different day.

BackforGood · 29/05/2019 21:40

If the roles were reversed on here (‘DH has gone away on a stag do and left me alone on my 30th bday looking after our kids’) there’d be an absolute justified outcry of ‘LTB’!

Not from me there wouldn't.
As OP had already said, and has now repeated, a lot of the people who will be away on the hen do, are friends who would (if it doesn't clash) be at the party. Why would you choose to have the party when you already know a core group of your friends won't be there.

it’s the fact that the OP clearly states that the actual day of his bday would be whilst she’s away. Meaning he’d be waking up alone on his bday, looking after their kids all day single-handedly, then going to bed alone. On his 30th bday. Bit of a shit way to spend your bday just so your wife can go on a girls’ weekend.

Oh didums. I like to celebrate my birthday just as much as the next person, but it really, really doesn't have to literally be on the day. Loads of people work on their birthdays, have a rubbish shift, or wake up on their own because their partner is working or away, or life is just getting in the way. Surely all adults can cope with the fact that the 'celebration' part is on the following Saturday or whatever?

I mean, personally, the idea of 3 days abroad on a hen do is not something that appeals to me at all, but, as the OP would like to be there, with her friends, then that is what we are answering - and I still think the best way is to have the party another weekend (as they are doing) and attend both (as the OP is not doing).

RitmoRatmo · 29/05/2019 22:01

Ok BackForGood well we’ll agree to disagree. But I don’t think ‘didums’ is how I’d describe me wanting to spend my valued partner’s 30th birthday weekend with him and him deserving to feel valued and cherished and prioritised above other social invitations. But each to their own.

runlift · 30/05/2019 00:23

I'd go on the hen do and celebrate the birthday the week before or after. You can just pretend that's his actually birthday. IMO it's easier to 'move' an unplanned birthday celebration than someone else's hen do.

BadLad · 30/05/2019 01:11

I'd quite happily wave my wife off on a trip around my birthday, but that's because birthdays are low-key affairs in our house (some presents and a meal out or weekend away, and definitely no party) on the mist convenient date around the actual day. Neither of us minds if it takes place a few weeks before or after.

AuntMarch · 30/05/2019 08:53

If I wasn't one of the ones important enough to be consulted about dates in the first place, I wouldn't be arsed about not going. It's almost impossible to find dates to suit a whole bunch of people but I would assume they'd made sure the closest friends were able to go and wouldn't miss me too much if I didn't.

Own preferences if how we'd want to spend the time obviously sway opinions on this one, but for the record even if DH wanted a lads night out on his birthday I'd still rather be there to have a nice day with him (and maybe the children lol) first so think OP has done the right thing.

Aragog · 30/05/2019 09:11

I'd put dh above friends. I'd not even ask dh.

Mind, I'm not really fussed about going on a three night hen do anyway.

And yes, a party can be done any time but I'd still want to be with dh on his actual birthday.

IHeartArya · 30/05/2019 10:25

I’ve just worked out that although I spend my birthday with dh, he spends the actual day/evening with his friends. We do something on another date. As his birthday is a Sunday this year we are honoured to have his presence Wink

We don’t always do our anniversaries together. We were both out with friends last few years. Not an issue.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 30/05/2019 10:42

This year, DH has been/will be abroad for every one of our families birthdays. We just move them. Many people have to do this, especially with midweek birthdays.

Choodechoo · 30/05/2019 10:49

My partner has a hobby which is very important to him. And The biggest event of the year fell on my 30th birthday. He expected me to celebrate my birthday "any other weekend" BUT the weekend when it actually was my 30th birthday so that he could attend the event.

In the end, he didn't go and celebrated with me, but it was plain to see what an inconvenience it had been for him to celebrate my 30th birthday with me, although he tried to put on a smile.

I've never felt the same way about him since.

Last year, he attended the event over my 31st birthday weekend (not a special one afterall) and left me home alone with 2 very young children. I had an awful birthday spent alone with the kids who were too young to make much of a fuss about it. I am making plans to leave him.

Original poster
ThaBel · 30/05/2019 11:08

Wow choodechoo! At any point had you told him you wouldnt mind if he attended the event on your birthday?

I’ve been keeping DH updated with this post and he’s found it quite funny!

He says I’m being absolutely ridiculous and I should 100% go on the hen do, he can’t believe that I would consider not, just for one day. He says we will go for a meal before, do a party the week after and he’ll go out with his friends on the day!

He’s even gone as far as saying surely I’m not considering not going just for that reason so if it’s the money I’m worried about he can help me out ... hahaha! (It’s not that)

He said he thinks I should go as the girl is coming on mine, her fiancée is going on his stag, and we can still make a big thing of his 30th before and after.

I think he really does mean it ...

Xx

OP posts:
IHeartArya · 30/05/2019 11:15

I’d be going then OP. He doesn’t have a problem with you going so go!

WillYouDoTheFandango · 30/05/2019 11:21

Then get gone!