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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling man wont let go

138 replies

Needinginsight · 28/05/2019 10:57

Have been married for 25 years, 2 kids age 11 and 14.
My husband is generally a good man, he has tried to provide us with everything we want, built his world around us and works hard. I don't hate him.
However he is paranoid. All through our relationship he has wanted to know where I am at all times (to keep me safe!). He wants my passwords, he wants to monitor my SM, he wants me to say I regret any past relationships, he doesn't want me to see friends from when I was in past relationships etc etc. There is also some sex stuff that I wont go into here.

I should have stood up to him a long time ago, but each time these things come up he threatens to leave and as we work together and have the kids it isn't simple and I back down.

It came to a head again 2 weeks ago and he accused me of having an emotional affair by text. I denied it BUT I am not blameless here, someone had been texting me and it got flirty. I enjoyed the attention and it has helped me feel upbeat and desirable.

He said I couldn't have male friends and couldn't be trusted until I reassured him more. I said it was ridiculous and he said he would leave me. I let him.

Now he is having a complete meltdown. Saying he can't cope without me, having emotional conversations with the kids (I have told him its inappropriate in no uncertain terms), crying, making drs appts (that's a good idea), saying he will change, saying how much he loves me all the time...and I am hating it. I felt nothing but relief when he left. Is that bad?

He has talked to my family and they are telling me he is genuinely a broken man and we should seek a resolution together and that our kids will be badly affected.

I don't want to be married. I have to talk to him but how do you talk to someone who is so wretched? I am feeling horribly guilty because he genuinely isn't horrible but is very paranoid and unstable it seems.

Sorry about the train of thought...any help appreciated.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 28/05/2019 11:08

He is completely controlling. He's dressing it up as concern but it's control.

You need to be honest. It's not going to get any better so don't back down if he promises to change.

He has no right to monitor your movements. It's creepy and wrong.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 28/05/2019 11:13

He will make you very ill. This has to stop.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2019 11:15

If anyone is feeling wretched here its you, not him. He has done you and your children a lot of emotional harm. Your children are already badly affected by what they have seen at home and its no sanctuary for them either.

Do you think he feels any guilt here; no nor remorse either. He felt and feels entitled to act like this. Such men do not change and he would in any case need years of therapy (not that this works on controlling men in any case), not a mere GP appointment.

You have been ground down by his years of control to this low point you are now at. And in turn your children are now at as well; this affects them too and markedly. He has abused them similarly to how you have been abused by him to date. Its no wonder therefore you embarked on a text based affair; two wrongs do not make a right here but I will not condemn you for doing that.

What are they learning about relationships here; they are learning a lot of damaging lessons on same. Its time you freed yourself from him. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Abusive people can be very plausible to those in the outside world and by talking to your family he has managed to block that means of support in your family you perhaps otherwise would have had. What are relations like between your parents and you?. This is all part of his arsenal of abuse against you, he is really conducting his own private based war against you. That was all planned out in his head.

There is help out there for you but you need to be brave and take that first, often the most hardest of steps, on your own by calling the likes of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. Both of them can help you. Seek legal advice from a firm of solicitors (and ones who are well versed in the ways of abusive and otherwise manipulative men) and divorce this person asap. They could also help you with legal advice re the joint business.

None of you are safe with this man and he is not in any way a good man. His paranoia and arch need to control you stemming from wanting absolute power and control over you is chilling and he will stop at nothing to keep you where you are. This does not mean to say that you should not escape because you should. He targeted you OP and from the get go, of that I have no doubt whatsoever.

Your own recovery will only start when you are free of your abuser.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2019 11:16

If you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, you will find your H within those pages.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 28/05/2019 11:18

Don't feel guilty.
You were lucky he left.
Don't leave him back.
He'll only treat you even worse.

There seems to be a suggestion of coercive sex perhaps? maybe i'm reading that wrong, but if so, then its another good reason to offload this bully.

MitziK · 28/05/2019 11:23

You don't have to talk.

There's no law that says you have to stand there and read Divorce Papers out to him.

Oh, and don't be surprised if you start getting messages along the lines of 'I'm parked at the top of x cliff and I wanted to say goodbye'. Ignore and keep them as evidence of his Unreasonable Behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2019 11:27

Let the Solicitors firm you employ deal with him. No man is above the law here, even he.

Do not ever embark on mediation with your H either.

I would also think he will now threaten along the lines that MitziK has now suggested. Do ignore him and keep those messages as further evidence of his unreasonable behaviour.

opinionminion · 28/05/2019 11:27

From bitter new experience - you don't have a splitting up conversation with a controlling man.

You leave whilst he is at work / out and have the conversation when you are safe.

Sassandfaff1 · 28/05/2019 12:09

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjxo-Tlir7iAhUvsaQKHWfzB4oQFjAAegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw3jLipUW6VgInY0rR2BCCaW" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> why does he do that pdf

ChuckleBuckles · 28/05/2019 12:18

He has talked to my family and they are telling me he is genuinely a broken man and having emotional conversations with the kids are both attempts to control you by trying to get others in your life to side with him and have you coerced back under his thumb by public opinion.

Prepare for anger next and when that doesn't work threats to harm himself, if he does that contact the police and let them deal with him, they are trained to deal with that but it will just be another attempt to get you back in line. I would suggest counselling for you to make sense of all the ways he has tried to control you over the years and to help you regain a sense of self.

You felt relief when he left, remember that feeling and hold on to it.

Original poster
Needinginsight · 28/05/2019 12:43

Thank you for the replies.

I thought the emotional breakdown was manipulative too, it is hard when everyone is pointing out what a great life you have and what a great man he is. We have had a lot of happy times. I want it to stay civil for the kids. I have not changed my mind about not wanting to be with him anymore.

I have 2 people supporting me who have told me to stay strong.
We are currently living in the same house (he came back as he needed to talk and then never left!) , but sleeping in separate rooms. He works away a lot and this helps. The kids don't want him to go and he says he wont. I know there are places to go but I cant just drag them and the dogs out, we are not in danger it is just very very awkward! I am going away for a couple of days tomorrow while the kids are camping so I am not in the house alone with him.

I know now and am seeing more and more that his behaviour is very odd and it is like an epiphany! I am cross that I have wasted so much time and am in my 40's now and not so hot anymore!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Needinginsight · 28/05/2019 12:44

Oh and he's acting like it's not happening and I just need a bit of time and all back to normal

OP posts:
poglets · 28/05/2019 12:48

You see, he came back. He had no intention of respecting you. He just wanted to you to buckle and break - it was all to get you to comply.

He's back now and I guess now that he has seen you don't want him, he won't leave. This is what they do.

I would totally separate your lives. What is your financial situation like? I'd be very careful of this man now. They are the most dangerous when they feel they are losing control.

Original poster
Needinginsight · 28/05/2019 13:09

Cheers. Financial situation is not good.

I am being as careful as possible..I don't want to feel frightened of him and am not currently, I just want to be free.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needinginsight · 30/05/2019 06:01

I think things have possibly become a little worse.
We had a big talk where he sobbed and sobbed and said he had lost me and that we may as well let the business go down the pan as he can no longer work etc
Then my (now 12 Smile ) year old came to me in tears begging me to sort it out because he was so worried about dad.
Then he saw the GP who told him he had been depressed for years and put him on anti depressants. She says he has low self esteem and is arranging counselling. His BP is through the roof also.
So now I am being told I should be supporting him through his mental health struggle and I feel like I am yelling at a brick wall.
I am in the downstairs spare room. We have made a plan to sort out finances and loose ends to take off some of the pressure, but he has asked me not to tell our friends or his family yet as he wants some dignity and space.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 30/05/2019 06:30

Women have been putting men first for too long. Your life is not to be sacrificed at the alter of marriage to an emotionally abusive man.

Because that is what he is.

He is bullying you.

The kids are reacting to him, he his controlling them like he's controlled you.

bollocksitshappenedagain · 30/05/2019 06:43

When I asked my husband to leave I got the same emotional stuff - said could he take the bigger car as he would have to live in it so needed the space. Course he wouldn't - his parents took him in. Least he didn't do it in front of the kids - it's really not on dragging them into it. It really just sounds like another way of controlling you through them by making you look like the bad guy. All that controlling stuff won't change - well not for more than a short time to kill you into a false sense of security.

Propertywoes · 30/05/2019 06:55

He's dragging the child into it as another person to apply pressure to you. It's not fair to put that onto a child. Your husband is emotionally abusive. Possibly sexually as well.

YouJustDoYou · 30/05/2019 07:05

It is not your duty or obligation to sacrifice yourself just to support someone else through their mental health battle. He is deliberately doing this when the kids are up and awake during the day to get them "on his side" - What a manipulative scumbag. Grey rock him during the day, no engagement - it's damaging the children to have to see and hear all this from this sly man.

Original poster
Needinginsight · 30/05/2019 07:17

Thanks. It’s odd, I can see it’s manipulative and very wrong. The compassionate side of me thinks I should just make it ok for everyone again. (Don’t panic, I’m not backing down!) I know it is not all my fault but I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
Moofreemum1 · 30/05/2019 07:19

Threatening to kill yourself is text book abusive men stuff. Everytime he does this ring the ambulance he will soon stop that! Please be careful leaving an abusive controlling man is the most dangerous time as they feel they are losing control and ramp it up. I think he is now from doing to the docs and involving your kids and family.
Call woman's aid when he isn't around tell them what you've told us and they will give you advice. Be careful tell him nothing.

nrpmum · 30/05/2019 07:29

I cannot add to the brilliant advice already given you, but from one survivor of this to another Flowers

jay55 · 30/05/2019 07:30

How's your mental health? What do you think anyone would say about your self esteem? Has he ever supported you without conditions attached?

Go and see your GP yourself. He does not get to play the mental health card after spending years destroying yours.

CostanzaG · 30/05/2019 07:33

My controlling, emotional abusive ex threatened to kill himself when I finally got the courage to leave.....that was 7 years ago. Guess what? It's didn't happen. He was remarried within 2 years.
Textbook emotional abuse.

Be strong x

willowmelangell · 30/05/2019 07:53

He spoke to your family (manipulation and control) and you are not allowed to speak to his family or your mutual friends (manipulation and control.)
Stuff that.
Don't believe one single word that comes out of his mouth nor one tear that he cries nor one word in a text.
You are now a challenge to win, to overcome and subdue.
Please be careful.

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