Controlling man wont let go

[Needinginsight]

Have been married for 25 years, 2 kids age 11 and 14.
My husband is generally a good man, he has tried to provide us with everything we want, built his world around us and works hard. I don't hate him.
However he is paranoid. All through our relationship he has wanted to know where I am at all times (to keep me safe!). He wants my passwords, he wants to monitor my SM, he wants me to say I regret any past relationships, he doesn't want me to see friends from when I was in past relationships etc etc. There is also some sex stuff that I wont go into here.

I should have stood up to him a long time ago, but each time these things come up he threatens to leave and as we work together and have the kids it isn't simple and I back down.

It came to a head again 2 weeks ago and he accused me of having an emotional affair by text. I denied it BUT I am not blameless here, someone had been texting me and it got flirty. I enjoyed the attention and it has helped me feel upbeat and desirable.

He said I couldn't have male friends and couldn't be trusted until I reassured him more. I said it was ridiculous and he said he would leave me. I let him.

Now he is having a complete meltdown. Saying he can't cope without me, having emotional conversations with the kids (I have told him its inappropriate in no uncertain terms), crying, making drs appts (that's a good idea), saying he will change, saying how much he loves me all the time...and I am hating it. I felt nothing but relief when he left. Is that bad?

He has talked to my family and they are telling me he is genuinely a broken man and we should seek a resolution together and that our kids will be badly affected.

I don't want to be married. I have to talk to him but how do you talk to someone who is so wretched? I am feeling horribly guilty because he genuinely isn't horrible but is very paranoid and unstable it seems.

Sorry about the train of thought...any help appreciated.

Tell your H that every single time he says something emotionally manipulative to the kids, that you will be keeping a record and passing it to your solicitor to consider in relation to access arrangements, as his behaviour is having a detrimental effect on them.

Tell your family that they need to mind their own business, that there is lots that they don't know about and that you won't be discussing it with them.

File for divorce. He's a controlling and manipulative man who will do anything to try and keep you in your place. He's trotted off and got himself a diagnosis of MH issues which conveniently enables him to place himself as the victim. Even if they are genuine, MH issues don't give you a free pass to be a selfish twat. He's manipulating the kids to try and make you feel guilty. He's manipulating your family to try and get them to put pressure on you not to upset the status quo. He's threatening financial consequences in the hope you'll back off.

File for divorce. The sooner the papers are served, the better, because it will reinforce the message that you are serious. It also means that if he wants to play silly buggers with finances then it will reflect very badly on him in court.

Family counselling for the kids - and give the counsellor the heads-up on what he's saying and doing, so that she or he can help the kids to understand what's going on.

Oh and be prepared for the suicide bid. I'd bet my shiny pound that that's next on the agenda.

Can you block him from your phone?

Oh wow, he’s really putting himself ahead of your DC well-being.

Behaviour like this would strengthen my resolve to leave. At least DC will be in a loving home with you where you can give them a ‘normal’ upbringing vs living FT with a dad who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about their well-being. They will learn that they don’t have to be on tenterhooks in their own home and guilt-tripped (this is what he will do if you remain).

Selfish prick.
Hurting his own children.
Clearly could care less.
Get away from him asap.
Keep a note of dates re emotional abuse of his children.
What a selfish prick.

but my family have made it clear I need to hang on until the kids have finished school

Who the hell in your family is saying that? I just can’t imagine my family not supporting me.

Yes, I thought the support would be a little more forthcoming. It’s my mum, but he has spun her quite a story I think. Atmosphere here is very tense. He is acting so oddly I am even more convinced I have done the right thing.

Sadly you need to look at it like hes a toddler having a HUGE tantrum.
The rapidfire threatening/victim/angry/chatty messages don't surprise me at all - he is hammering ALL of the emotional blackmail buttons he can think of with both fists, hoping to hit on whichever one will make you feel bad/sorry/scared enough to just keep everything the way it's always been.
Its a terrorist attack on his part, as is the emotional blackmail of the kids in front of you, he will do or say anything to anyone if he thinks there's a chance it will force you to retreat.

The only way really around, past and through it is to make sure everything is as final and public as possible. Not to say that you need to start badmouthing him to anyone, but it needs to be public knowledge that you're splitting and that its because you haven't been happy with his behaviour for a long time. At the moment, he could get you to give in and no-one would be the wiser that any of this happened, and that's what hes desperately pushing for which is why hes being so aggressive and relentless.

People will believe the first account they hear of any situation, it's a weird psychology fact. They can be convinced otherwise but with a lot of evidence and only slowly. The important thing is to get your version out first to key people around you, if he gets in first with "I'm sure she must have cheated on me, it was out of the blue, I've been the perfect husband and shes been utterly heartless and selfish to me and the poor kiddiwinks" then thats the version that will stick.

Omg this sounds so much likt the breakdown of my first marriage. It was about attempt 4 before I finally found the strength to see it through, and this was largely because of my now husband who I then (8 years ago) was attracted to at work and wanted to be free to see what could come of it. All i can say is you HAVE to trun yourself off from the emotional blackmail. Be firm and completely unambiguous. Don't engage in unnecessary discussions with him. Make it very clear that the relationship is over and put your efforts into resolving all the practical stuff. As much as you feel responsible his issues are his problem and they are not for you to sort out. I remember now, like it was yesterday, going out for a walk the first day after he finally left and I felt like a cloud had been lifted. A cloud I hadn't really realised had been sitting so heavy on me for pretty much all of my adult life.

There will be hiccups and hurdles ahead but just jump into the journey and be determined that you are going to see it through, because when you do come out the other side you will look back and realise that it was the best thing you ever did.

Don't base your decisions (i.e staying) on the opinions of those (i.e yr family who are saying you should stay) who don't have to live with the results

He threatened to leave you to get you to tow the line.
He's now threatening to bankrupt the business, to get you to tow the line.
You called his bluff on the first one. Try it again.
If there was a bet that he won't fold the business......I'd take it.

Try some mantras.

'Well, that's your decision'
'It's unfortunate that you feel that way'

And maybe even some home truths.

'It's pathetic and tragic watching you try to manipulate the kids to get me to cave. It makes me more resolute in my decision.'

Don't engage. Grey rock him (google it).

Tell family to keep their noses out as they don't know the full story and won't be getting it.

Just had the crappest convo in the world. Him crying and saying he’d do anything and me feeling like a complete s*. He says life isnt worth living and he will never be happy again. He looks completely broken. I don’t want to be married but I feel like such a monster

He isn't a good man he is a control freak and will ruin your life. If anyone wanted my passwords etc I'd laugh in their face.

You aren't a monster. He's a manipulative control freak who is pressing every possible button to try and get you to change your mind.

He's had a nasty shock; his usual tactic of threatening to leave get you to toe the line, has blown up in his face. Now he's turning on the tears and doing the whole 'broken man' routine in the hope that you'll feel sorry for him and back down.

Don't do it.

Grey rock - don't engage, don't JADE (justify/argue/explain/defend). Be calm, neutral and factual - regardless of what he says.

You don't have to sacrifice yourself or your dc or your own self esteem and mental health and friendships so he can have what he wants. He has behaved appallingly to the DC and is trying to manipulate you, knowing that you are a reasonable, kind and caring person.
Don't fall for it. He has had many years to avoid being controlling, jealous, undermining and all that. He has had some time recently to show that he is also a kind, caring and reasonable person. And he has epically failed to do that.
GREY ROCK all the way.

Sorry you're going through this Insight, my thoughts are with you. Keep strong

Thanks. It’s horrible. I am doubting myself.. what if I’m exaggerating etc..what if I’ve ruined everything...but the thought of staying married makes me feel awful

Can he move out? Must be intolerable living like this, for you and the dc.

totally unfair for him to contact your family, yet you’re not allowed to contact his! Classic controller.

Tell him you’ll make a note of every time he does or says something inappropriate to the dc anD you will take it to your solicitor, as he is damaging them.

Stay strong and good luck.

Thanks for the support by the way. I think I have a tough night ahead x

If you’re wavering, write down a list of the bad things he’s done: what he did, how it made you feel, etc - wouldn’t let me go out, demanded to know my password, checked my messages, had a tantrum when I saw a friend, made me do something in bed I hate - then on another bit of paper make a list of all the pros of divorcing and make a list of all the things you can do when you’re free.

And look at both lists when you waver.

He’s crying crocodile tears. He’s sorry for himself.

A list is a fine idea.
I’m a nice person, I hate to see anyone so unhappy.
I wont change my mind, I don’t have the physical attraction any more, it’s like a switch has gone off.
I want him to be ok though.

He doesn’t care about how he has made you feel over the years OP. His tears are only for himself.

Sounds like you are in prison and he is your prison guard. How long is your sentence, is it life or are you now about to be free.

He’s brought his unhappiness on himself by his behaviour! He clearly didn’t care about your happiness or wellbeing when he was controlling you. Time for you to think of you first - and your dc. your h is damaging them with his behaviour too.