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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling man wont let go

138 replies

Needinginsight · 28/05/2019 10:57

Have been married for 25 years, 2 kids age 11 and 14.
My husband is generally a good man, he has tried to provide us with everything we want, built his world around us and works hard. I don't hate him.
However he is paranoid. All through our relationship he has wanted to know where I am at all times (to keep me safe!). He wants my passwords, he wants to monitor my SM, he wants me to say I regret any past relationships, he doesn't want me to see friends from when I was in past relationships etc etc. There is also some sex stuff that I wont go into here.

I should have stood up to him a long time ago, but each time these things come up he threatens to leave and as we work together and have the kids it isn't simple and I back down.

It came to a head again 2 weeks ago and he accused me of having an emotional affair by text. I denied it BUT I am not blameless here, someone had been texting me and it got flirty. I enjoyed the attention and it has helped me feel upbeat and desirable.

He said I couldn't have male friends and couldn't be trusted until I reassured him more. I said it was ridiculous and he said he would leave me. I let him.

Now he is having a complete meltdown. Saying he can't cope without me, having emotional conversations with the kids (I have told him its inappropriate in no uncertain terms), crying, making drs appts (that's a good idea), saying he will change, saying how much he loves me all the time...and I am hating it. I felt nothing but relief when he left. Is that bad?

He has talked to my family and they are telling me he is genuinely a broken man and we should seek a resolution together and that our kids will be badly affected.

I don't want to be married. I have to talk to him but how do you talk to someone who is so wretched? I am feeling horribly guilty because he genuinely isn't horrible but is very paranoid and unstable it seems.

Sorry about the train of thought...any help appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needinginsight · 30/05/2019 13:10

Thank you again for all the replies. They are helping me feel strong and focussed.
I am a little embarrassed (I come across as very confident irl) that I let it happen to me. It was thinking of how I’d advise a friend in my situation that helped me realise how messed up it was.
I think I have some hard times ahead, so again, you marvellous people are a big help.
I actually have huge feelings of relief and excitement for the future in between the bad stuff x

OP posts:
MrMagooo · 30/05/2019 15:15

It's really weird but I read your post and it's as if you have taken all these things that have happened in your stride. I hope it works out, remember you have 40 more years ahead of yourself to enjoy fee of this control.

Original poster
Needinginsight · 30/05/2019 15:52

MrMagooo I feel strong for the first time in a long time and am determined not to fall apart for the kids.
I’d love a magic wand to wave away everyone’s hurt, but I know I’ll just have to face it.

OP posts:
nrpmum · 30/05/2019 16:05

You'll get there. You are amazing.

billy1966 · 30/05/2019 16:21

Great advice above.

He doesn't care about you, and now by his actions, dragging his children into your relationship, he is also prepared to emotionally abuse them.

They are lucky to have one strong parent.

You don't have to bad mouth him.

In fact your children don't need to know much more that while mum and dad both love them ver much as separate people, ye just won't be together any longer as a couple.

Do whatever you have to do to get away.
He's been controlling you for years.

You will be much happier in your new life and your children will see that.

He'll be fine.
They always are.
Best of luck.

Original poster
Needinginsight · 31/05/2019 19:41

Having a bit of a wobble.
He sent me a series of texts today all threatening the nuclear option (bankrupting business, selling house, changing schools ..12 yo has partial bursary at private school.. but wouldn’t be able to afford fees. He is a shy lad and would hate leaving friends...etc etc)
Then said it was completely my decision as he was willing to do anything.
Then ranted for a bit.
Now sending chatty texts!
Tomorrow we are together and I have to bring everyones life crashing down and I don’t think I’ll waver but my family have made it clear I need to hang on until the kids have finished school and they think I’m exaggerating.
I just need a bit of a boost x

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 31/05/2019 19:44

When you need a boost lass just re-read your thread. Remember how you felt.

MitziK · 31/05/2019 20:06

When these sorts of things happen, private schools have been known to dip into their vast reserves to help out their students, especially when it's the deliberate action of a controlling ex to attack the children and their education as a means of abuse.

Business going bankrupt? 1. Why? If he isn't capable of doing it, sign it over to you and you own it/sell it as a going concern. 2. So is he going to sleep on the street and beg for food, or is he going to have to find a way to support himself like everyone else does ?

Selling the house. Meh. Not ideal if a court orders it, but why is that being threatened? The business isn't bankrupt. It's just a threat. If it comes down to it, the money from the sale will go towards you buying somewhere else.

I hope you have a solicitor's appointment for Monday. Sounds like you're going to need them straight away. Get your CV up to date as well, so you can get another job. Agency work isn't the most thrilling, but if he's refusing to work (and/or you quite rightly won't be able to work with him), it's money in your bank account, which takes more of his power and control over you away - and makes it easier to get a mortgage if the house does end up being sold. I think you would also be able to make a claim for Universal Credit now you're separated, even though he's refusing to leave the house. Get that started online now, as it takes ages - you might not need it, but it's worth doing straight away, as if he refuses to transfer over wages (if he even did that in the first place), you need money to feed yourself and DC.

This is all just controller bollocks. You'll deal with it. Fuck what family think, they haven't had to live with him. You have. And you don't have to do that anymore, whether he weeps and wails, threatens you by threatening your child's education and happiness, sobs to family about how horrid you're being to poor little old him and all the rest.

You will be fine. You've got this.

Original poster
Needinginsight · 31/05/2019 20:13

Thanks (and practical advice) Smile

OP posts:
Propertywoes · 31/05/2019 20:38

Your family isn't the ones who have to live with him. Their opinion doesn't count. People don't like change. They want things to stay as they are cos it's easier and they don't really believe he's "like that". It's a real Shane they won't support you.

TBDO · 31/05/2019 20:59

It sounds as if he’s got your family on ‘his’ side and they don’t care much for what you (as their daughter/sister) are going through? Are you from a background where women are generally subordinate to men? If so, this is the chance to break free and stop the cycle. If not, I’m sorry that they appear to not be more concerned with your well-being. Have you talked to them about what it’s been like for you - if my DD said her DH was controlling who she could talk to and that there was sexual stuff that you alluded to - no way would I support him over DD.

TBDO · 31/05/2019 21:01

I’d suggest opening up to people to get the support you need. Don’t keep things quiet for his sake - he’s only asked you not to tell people because he wants to keep up the front of a ‘good’ man when he knows he’s not. He’s scared that people will see through him.

Lilymossflower · 31/05/2019 21:28

He is abusive.

You deserve more than this.

Call women's aid.

Get out of there.
You will regret it in years to come if you don't.

Even if not for you, for the children.

His behaviour is unhealthy for them on many levels.

Well done for reaching out.

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 21:47

wants me to say I regret any past relationships

I've had one of these. And I've heard it from other women too.

Can't bear to think that you ever had anything with anyone else, you're supposed to be their possession - past, present and future. How dare you have been a fully functioning independent who actually had relationships and sex being before you met them. They're unlikely to be able to get a virgin in life, but the next best thing is you, under complete cintril, and expressing deep regret/shame for the crime having been with someone else before them (even though they were too).

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 21:48

*control

billy1966 · 31/05/2019 21:57

You are a strong woman who can an will be able to do this.
Your family clearly haven't a clue what you have had to put up with.
Can you contact your son's school to let them know that your son's education is being used as a method to control you by your son's abusive father? They may be very sympathetic.

Whatever happens, you need to get away.
You are very strong, you can and will get through this.

Decormad38 · 31/05/2019 22:03

He’s controlling your bloody family too. Get away from him. Using your children as blackmailing tools. He’s a low life and he’s groomed you to be grateful for having him!

Original poster
Needinginsight · 02/06/2019 06:18

Hard day yesterday. We sat down together and talked to the kids. He thought it unnecessary until we’d decided?!
Anyway, I told them we were still having big problems and that although we hadn't intended this to happen we hadn't treated each other very well and it was best we were apart. I explained we would try and keep things as normal as poss for them and they could talk to both if us and we loved them etc etc.
He then said that he loved me more than anything, that he was willing to do anything if ‘mum’ would only give him one chance, but she wasn’t prepared to Hmm. Kids end up sobbing and asking me why I wouldn’t.
I told them there was a lot going on that I couldn’t go into detail about, that dad was seeing a doc to help him with things and that I was sorry we had hurt them.
He then informed them that I was going through the menopause and my hormones were all over the place Shock
After that he and I talked for a minute and he said I was hard as stone and obviously wanted someone and something else and that he would never be ok or happy again.
So that went well!

OP posts:
Candace19 · 02/06/2019 06:28

You are not responsible for his feelings. He is a grown man. Christ life's hard enough without all that shit. Have confidence in your decision. It sounds like you need a break & clarity will come.

pog100 · 02/06/2019 06:30

I'm sorry that went so badly but it's entirely his fault and only confirms that he is very damaging to you and your children. It's inevitable that they will be upset, they've only known the one life, but they will grow to realise the subtleties eventually and thank you for it. Please stick to your guns on this, you cannot carry on being controlled by this unstable man.
I know it's hard, you will have the sympathy of everyone here!

Candace19 · 02/06/2019 06:31

Sorry didn't see update. Don't back down (unless you decide to). He really shouldn't involve the kids. He needs to rein that in & stop using them to emotionally blackmail you.

Clutterbugsmum · 02/06/2019 08:16

I'm sorry to say, but you are going to have to clamp down hard because he is going to run you down to your dc. He is going to bad mouth you and make you out to be the devil incarnate, because you will not bow down and do what he wants.

QRCode · 02/06/2019 09:54

This is all so familiar, I heard so many of the things your H has said to you from my exH. Amongst them were 'you have ruined my life' and 'I will always love you'. I moved out with the DC in April 2010 (having had the 'we are splitting up' conversation in Jan 2009) and within a year he had moved someone else in, who I think he had known long before we separated. She is still there so I suspect he has long since stopped loving me (tbh I don't think he has a fucking clue what love is) and if living with her constitutes his life being ruined, well that was his doing, not mine.

Meanwhile, today is my 3rd wedding anniversary to lovely DH and life is a gazillion times better.

Stay strong, you deserve better.

MitziK · 02/06/2019 10:42

Time to be that stone where he's concerned then, innit? He wouldn't even put his children's welfare first over making you look bad.

'you want someone else!' 'OK'

'you want something else!' 'yep'

'you're cold/hard/cruel!' 'uh-huh'

'you don't care about me!' 'used to'

isthatabloborwhat · 02/06/2019 10:51

He's a real bastard isn't he? Not only is he manipulating you, but he is also doing it to the kids, and twisting everything to make out it is you who is the bad one, and that it is all your fault.