Controlling man wont let go

[Needinginsight]

Have been married for 25 years, 2 kids age 11 and 14.
My husband is generally a good man, he has tried to provide us with everything we want, built his world around us and works hard. I don't hate him.
However he is paranoid. All through our relationship he has wanted to know where I am at all times (to keep me safe!). He wants my passwords, he wants to monitor my SM, he wants me to say I regret any past relationships, he doesn't want me to see friends from when I was in past relationships etc etc. There is also some sex stuff that I wont go into here.

I should have stood up to him a long time ago, but each time these things come up he threatens to leave and as we work together and have the kids it isn't simple and I back down.

It came to a head again 2 weeks ago and he accused me of having an emotional affair by text. I denied it BUT I am not blameless here, someone had been texting me and it got flirty. I enjoyed the attention and it has helped me feel upbeat and desirable.

He said I couldn't have male friends and couldn't be trusted until I reassured him more. I said it was ridiculous and he said he would leave me. I let him.

Now he is having a complete meltdown. Saying he can't cope without me, having emotional conversations with the kids (I have told him its inappropriate in no uncertain terms), crying, making drs appts (that's a good idea), saying he will change, saying how much he loves me all the time...and I am hating it. I felt nothing but relief when he left. Is that bad?

He has talked to my family and they are telling me he is genuinely a broken man and we should seek a resolution together and that our kids will be badly affected.

I don't want to be married. I have to talk to him but how do you talk to someone who is so wretched? I am feeling horribly guilty because he genuinely isn't horrible but is very paranoid and unstable it seems.

Sorry about the train of thought...any help appreciated.

Oh OP, this all sounds so familiar. It’s a well worn script I promise you. He’s not broken, his world won’t collapse. I had all of these histrionics from my controlling ex, the tears, the sorries, the I’ll change. He even threatened to kill himself. Guess what? 6 years down the track he’s still very much alive and he’s still trying to financial control me. He used to tell our DS how much he still loved me etc, which was odd considering he’d moved another woman in to use and abuse within two years.

Stick to your guns darling, he’s had 25 years to change and he hasn’t. He’s just throwing his toys out of the oran because you’re standing up to him. All the emotional stuff is bluster. He’s crying for himself, not you. The last 25 years is proof of that.

You either need to move out or get him to move out. I had to live with my ex for 8 months after I stood up to him and it was hell. My ex had previous for occasional violence and it was ramped up during those 8 months. You may not think your DH is violent but desperate men do shitty things, and this is teratory you’ve not covered before with him so I wouldn’t be complacent. Also it will just be awful, and it will fuck the kids up beyond belief if he’s there to get his manipulative hooks into them all the time.

Please seek support from Womens Aid or your local domestic abuse service. They will advise you and advocate for you. The more people you can get on your side the better. You need to be honest though. I know it’s hard, trust me I do, but the shame is his, not yours, and the women who work for these organisations see it every day. You aren’t the first and you won’t be that last. Also fuck what he says about not telling people. It hasn’t stopped him whining to your family has it? My ex did all this, including getting to my family behind my back and as a result they abandoned me when I most needed them.You can’t do anything about the crap your family choose to believe but tell your own trusted friends, because if you don’t, he definitely will. Reach out for all the support you can, screw what he thinks, he’s incapable of thinking of anybody but number one anyway.

Be sure that he’s making plans behind the scenes. He might be giving you the sad face but be sure that he knows exactly what he’s doing. You need to stay one step ahead of him because everything he does is premeditated. All the crying and bluster is to throw you off but he won’t be as broken as he’d like to make you think he is.

Whatever you do he will be fine. Men like this always manage to put themselves first no matter the situation, it’s just what they’re like. You need to put yourself and your DC first, because he’s already proved he wont.

Replies are really helping. You’re correct, I cannot be responsible for his behaviour.

I don’t like him at the moment at all.

Jesus he's a manipulative bastard OP, get him out of your life, using the kids is appalling.

Oh, and get your finances in order asap. Once he’s finished the crying faze he’ll be onto the vindictive faze. Make sure you split out all your bank accounts while he’s still pretending to cooperate, because he’ll drop the act once he realises you mean it this time and things could get difficult.

Lawyer up if you can. Womens Aid or the local DA service might be able to signpost you. Do be aware though, solicitors are bloody expensive and if he’s obstructive it can really mount up. My ex has been sandbagging and stringing me along for 6 years. I had to take him to court in the end but I’ve had to drop it because it’s cleared me out. All my savings are gone, he still lives in my house and I can’t even afford to get an order so I can divorce. It’s a complex situation and my ex is an evil bastard who thinks nothing of leaving his own child in poverty and crappy temporary housing, and remember, he still loves me, right?

Get all your admin in order because now is your best opportunity. It’ll also give you something to focus on and a reason to feel positive. And get out, get out as soon as you can otherwise things will get very unpleasant. You need to move quick and you need to move smart. Don’t hesitate and don’t be taken in. He does not have yours or the DC’s best interests at heart and he is capable of being a lot worse than you think he is. Don’t fart about and let things drag on like I did.

Just to say, I’m out and I’m doing much better now. I’ve had some shitty times since I left but at no time have I even entertained the thought that I made the wrong choice.

Good luck OP. Do keep popping in and telling us how you’re getting on. We’re all here for you and many of us have walked in your shoes.

Sorry, not my house but our house. I’ve got a bit cross and bitter about it.

But yeah, move fast while he’s still disorientated. He’ll sort himself out soon enough and then it’ll be a lot more difficult.

Right I’ll go now. Sorry.

Whatisthisfuckery speaks a lot of sense.

Once he realises you’re for real, he will probably become really nasty! If you can get him to move out, do.... and I’d get the divorce under way. You have no need to be nasty yourself but you do need to be clear and firm and try not to engage in his emotional games. It’s all very hard but you will be moving towards a better life

You stay strong! No way should you be forced to live like this. Who looks out for you if you don't? One day you'll look back and think "I was right to leave" And you are.

OP, I have lurked for years and your thread has alarmed me enough to finally register. I was similarly married to a very controlling man, he had my passwords, I didn’t have his, he controlled the money under the guise of me not having to worry about the admin around paying bills, he took over my mobile phone number and unknown to me tracked my location. All this facilitated his long term serial cheating involving directing family money to whores.

When I discovered this I immediately separated from him and engaged a solicitor. He refused to move out of the house and didn’t care that my family and friends were told because to him they didn’t matter. However, no one he knew could know and it enraged him when I said I was going to tell them so I didn’t. His image was his priority.

He cycled through diminishing me, denying what he had done (even though I had documentation), calling me a liar and all sorts of things, parental alienation, crying, begging to stay married etc, it was emotionally draining.

He ended up taking his own life. We were told by multiple police types he could have easily taken my children and me with him.

When men like that lose control of you they are very dangerous. Please get away, I was urged by multiple people and the police to move out but didn’t believe he would harm himself or us. You never know what people are capable of when they have no moral compass or integrity. He treated you as he did because he doesn’t care about you and that can’t change.

OP, did you say you had the support of a couple of good friends? That’s really important, talk to them and keep them in the picture.
You say your parents think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and that you should stay until the children have left school etc? Do they have form for supporting your H rather than you, or for not believing what you have told them? Do you generally have a good relationship with them? If the answer to the last question is yes, I think I would be sitting down with them and telling them quite bluntly what has been going on. Give them a few examples of how controlling he has been and ask them if that’s the environment they want their daughter and their grandchildren growing up in? Tell them your decision is not up for negotiation, you aren’t after their approval but that you would really value their support. This is the one time they really should be on your side.

Op, I wanted to say that if your DS has to leave his private school it isn’t the end of the world. Don’t stay trapped in an unhappy marriage because of money. This man is extremely abusive and your DC are being damaged by witnessing the way he is treating you. Explain to your mother that abuse isn’t just about being hit but you are suffering because he is cruel, controlling and manipulative.

Can I ask if anyone has felt so much better once this is done, without having to go through a period of wretchedness?! I keep being told that I’ll be penniless and regretting it once I’m alone, but the thought of being away from the constant disapproval makes me rather happy. Is there any chance I could end up feeling great?

Yes OP! Don't lose heart.

I keep being told that I’ll be penniless and regretting it once I’m alone

By whom? Him? He's got a vested interest in keeping you in your place. Your family? They currently believe all the bollocks he's told them so they're hardly impartial.

Why would you be penniless? You have marital assets and a good solicitor will ensure that you get a fair financial settlement. Why are you going to be alone? Does he really think that nobody else could possibly be interested in you? If that's the case, then why was he so paranoid about vetting your male friends? Anyway, what's wrong with being alone? Alone does not have to mean lonely. And I would far rather be alone, in control of my own life, decisions and destiny, than shackled to a controlling, manipulative man who doesn't give a shit about my feelings.

He's had 25 years to sort himself out. At what point in that 25 year period was he at all concerned about how his behaviour affected you? Christ the man can't even put the welfare of his kids first - it's more important to him that he drags them into your divorce to try and score points off you!

Don't feel bad for him or guilty for his tears. He's crying for himself.

Stay strong OP

You WILL feel better. You’ll be able to be yourself, do things you enjoy, feel a weight has lifted

Needinginsight:
You will definitely come out if this feeling great. You will also not be penniless, lonely, unloved etc or whatever crap he's been trying to tell you.
I had a similar experience to you. My ex husband told me that no one will ever love me again , that I would be alone etc. That he will never be a weekend dad after we divorced, that he wanted half my pension because he had been subsidising me whilst I was on maternity leave etc etc.

Lots of abusive rubbish designed to make me stay with him.
This was 5 years ago.
I stayed strong and left. The kids are with me most of the time, he sees them EOW and has just got married for the second time in the 3 years since our divorce was finalised.
I had such a lucky escape and so will you.
It isn't easy and you will have to be so strong and rally all your friends around you.
But you will get through this.
I promise.

Bit of a boost needed. My son has just mentioned that his dad has been joking I am trying to act like a teenager, going to the gym and stuff and need to realise I’m old and it’s a mid life crisis. I had thought I was looking good and suddenly because of that idiots comments I feel like mutton dressed as lamb. Didn’t realise my self esteem was so low. Women of a certain age still loo good surely. How can I rebuild my confidence here? Feel a bit pathetic.

Don't let him mess with your head, you'll look absolutely fine, he's just trying to undermine your confidence because hes a nasty piece of crap, don't let him in, get out there and do the things you enjoy.

He really is nasty, isnt he? My exH used to say things like this, that i was pathetic for going to the gym and changing the way i dressed, with the nasty insinuation that i was mutton dressed as lamb, and fooling myself.

Please note, exH. I have been separated from him for 4 years, and am currently sitting on my sofa watching the GP with my new BF, who loves the bones of me and who is bloody amazing.

These shit men are both abusive and unoriginal. Find ways to stop giving him headspace.

He is a textbook controlling abuser. He thinks nothing of hurting his own children to keep control.

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft;
the-eye.eu/public/Psychedelics/Psychedelic%20Praxis%20Library%203.0/Collections%20by%20Subject/Social%20Progress/2002%20-%20Bancroft%20-%20Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20Angry%20and%20Controlling%20Men.pdf

Then read this;
the-eye.eu/public/Books/Radical%20Feminist%20Literature/Gavin%20de%20Becker/The%20Gift%20of%20Fear%20%28123%29/The%20Gift%20of%20Fear%20-%20Gavin%20de%20Becker.pdf

He's trying to undermine you and chip away at your confidence.

Yet again he's dragging the kids into this. He really doesn't give a shit about them, does he? If he did, then he'd be painfully aware of needing to keep them calm and feeling secure and away from the adult discussions. But he's so desperate to try and get at you that he'll say or do anything - including making nasty comments about you to the kids. His need to win comes first all of the time and he doesn't give a fuck if it means that the kids suffer as a result.

Respond to your DS that there is nothing wrong with looking after yourself. That the divorce does not mean that he's not loved, and that you aren't going to discuss the adult stuff with him because it's for you and his Dad to sort out between you. Rinse and repeat. You need to be the calm, steadying and constant influence. Kids aren't daft - he'll soon work out that his Dad is an arsehole.

Thanks. We saw a counsellor and she was concerned for my safety (like you guys) so has suggested I move out asap. She is happy the kids are fine as am I. I have told some of his close family so it is no longer a secret but it means the tension is up so atmos not good. I am looking for a place. It’ll be a room for a month or so whilst finances are sorted. The kids want to stay at home with the dog for now so it’s really hard for me but I’ve said the only time I won’t be there is overnight. They go away with him camping and skiing etc a lot and on a one to one he is great with them. It’s the only way to move forward at the moment and I’ve been told I need to get on with it.

See your lawyer before you leave.

Be careful about moving out and leaving the kids behind - yes, definitely see a solicitor first

Yes, we will have a witnessed parenting plan in place, input from family counsellor and full details of all access arrangements etc etc Any shenanigans and straight to court. Kids have had a full say also. School will be aware.