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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling man wont let go

138 replies

Needinginsight · 28/05/2019 10:57

Have been married for 25 years, 2 kids age 11 and 14.
My husband is generally a good man, he has tried to provide us with everything we want, built his world around us and works hard. I don't hate him.
However he is paranoid. All through our relationship he has wanted to know where I am at all times (to keep me safe!). He wants my passwords, he wants to monitor my SM, he wants me to say I regret any past relationships, he doesn't want me to see friends from when I was in past relationships etc etc. There is also some sex stuff that I wont go into here.

I should have stood up to him a long time ago, but each time these things come up he threatens to leave and as we work together and have the kids it isn't simple and I back down.

It came to a head again 2 weeks ago and he accused me of having an emotional affair by text. I denied it BUT I am not blameless here, someone had been texting me and it got flirty. I enjoyed the attention and it has helped me feel upbeat and desirable.

He said I couldn't have male friends and couldn't be trusted until I reassured him more. I said it was ridiculous and he said he would leave me. I let him.

Now he is having a complete meltdown. Saying he can't cope without me, having emotional conversations with the kids (I have told him its inappropriate in no uncertain terms), crying, making drs appts (that's a good idea), saying he will change, saying how much he loves me all the time...and I am hating it. I felt nothing but relief when he left. Is that bad?

He has talked to my family and they are telling me he is genuinely a broken man and we should seek a resolution together and that our kids will be badly affected.

I don't want to be married. I have to talk to him but how do you talk to someone who is so wretched? I am feeling horribly guilty because he genuinely isn't horrible but is very paranoid and unstable it seems.

Sorry about the train of thought...any help appreciated.

OP posts:
MrMagooo · 30/05/2019 08:27

Don't feel sorry for this man.

You say he wants to look after you, he didn't he wanted to control you, his behaviour is classic controlling 101.

He's trying to control you still by using different tactics. I'm surprised he hasn't used suicide too.

ivykaty44 · 30/05/2019 08:34

He threatened to leave & you let him
You’re actually now in control of your own destiny, keep making wise choices for yourself

MrMagooo · 30/05/2019 08:41

I bet he didn't even go to the doctors.

You say he isn't horrible and then you say how can I talk to someone who is so wretched.

I hope you can get away from him, you are still young and have another 40 years left. Don't be angry again in 20 when you are still with him.

Another poster said, the first step is the hardest. He's just blackmailing you with the business and finances,again using every tactic he can.

You really do need to get as far away from him as possible and then you need to gentle explain to your child why eventually.

MrsMozartMkII · 30/05/2019 08:46

You will feel guilty. To some extent it's a natural response, especially when you've been so conditioned for so long.

Your DC will understand, though it will take time and strength on your part.

ItsInTheSpoon · 30/05/2019 08:50

I am getting through a very similar situation currently - nearing the end of divorce proceedings but he has made every step drag out, and has tried to use family and friends against me.

Do not trust him to do anything kindly; use a solicitor and get your divorce rolling. If he’s like mine, he’ll obstruct all the way and only the law will make him co-operate.

Original poster
Needinginsight · 30/05/2019 08:54

Does anyone have any advice on what to say to the kids. I don’t want to badmouth their father to them (my own mum did that, even if true its not fair) but I dont know how to explain.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 30/05/2019 09:00

Every time you feel guilty or sorry for him, remember what his manipulative behaviour towards your child is doing to your child’s emotional well-being. He’s so wrapped up in himself he doesn’t care about anyone else.

GreenTulips · 30/05/2019 09:08

Reassure them that mum and dad still love them, but things need to change. Tell them their father is unwell and is seeking treatment but will get better.

slipperywhensparticus · 30/05/2019 09:14

Daddy is sick his brain is sick the dr he is seeing will hopefully make him better

Maryjoyce · 30/05/2019 09:15

Hoof out the door it’s a damaging situation to be living in

Musti · 30/05/2019 09:20

I had to leave my controlling and jealous ex. What people saw and what the reality was, was two different things. When I told friends some of the stuff he would say and do, they couldn't believe it. Also, I spent years trying to reason with him but I realised a few years ago that there wasn't any point as he would never see the problem or and logical reasons. He is paranoid, insecure, jealous and controlling because he had a very toxic upbringing and parents who were narcissistic and are still around. I know why he's like that but nothing I could do or say would ever be able to change him. He needs to realise the problem, get counselling and even then it will be a struggle (2 if his siblings are doing just that). However, even if he completely changed, he has killed every bit of love I have for him. I am so happy and free now that we've split. I don't have to adjust my behaviour or turn down perfectly innocent nights out or worry if a male friend likes or comments on too many of my Facebook pictures (usually my kids and my dog pics) etc. I don't have to worry that I spoke to a friend's husband for too long at a BBQ etc.

He was financially controlling too and doesn't pay me anything now and my parents have helped me set myself up. But now I can make my own financial decisions etc.

Don't talk to him and see a solicitor asap to see what you should be doing. Prepare for him playing dirty by trying to control you through money and kids. Don't discuss stuff with the kids. When my ex did similarly I told them that they shouldnt worry that it didn't concern them it wasn't their place or responsibility to even have to think about this and that helped. Now we are in different houses it is so muh better for everyone.

Clutterbugsmum · 30/05/2019 09:22

Your not bad mouthing him, but you do need to explain to your children that their dad is not well and should not be talking to them about adult things. And HE is ruining HIS relationship with his children in the long term.

You need to tell to stop abusing the children by bad mouthing you and talking about adult things that they do not need to know. And tell him you will not protect him in his lies while not getting support from friends and family.

He trying to isolate you and your children even more then he has already has.

BearRabbitPants · 30/05/2019 09:27

How do I share a link to this thread as my best friend is going through the exact same scenario and really could use some good advice Sadshe's not a Mumsnet user so wouldn't be able to look up herself.
Sorry to derail thread OP thoughts are with you Thanks

Nyctophilia · 30/05/2019 09:29

Everything he is telling you is utter crap, the only thing wrong with him is that he has lost control, he is using any means possible to regain it
If the emotional poor me act doesnt work you just watch how quickly he turns and becomes nasty
Do not feel sorry for him, this behaviour is calculated
Take a deep breath, remember who the fuck you are, and set the wheels in motion for a happier free life

PlinkPlink · 30/05/2019 10:39

My ex, by lots of accounts, was a decent man. He was quite intelligent, hard working, liked socialising a fair bit and got on with most people.

What everyone else didn't see was him manipulating me behind doors, constantly chipping away at my self-esteem, discouraging me from my passion in life to the point I ended up doing a career completely wrong for me, co-ercing me into sex on a regular basis, sulking when he didnt get his way, coming home from work and using me as a sounding board for his unnecessary anger issues at work, using his finances to "help" me and keep that held over my head...

It got to a point where we were about to be married and I suddenly saw the light. Thank. Fuck.

The thing is up until the point where he gave me an ultimatum (Marry me or we split up), I would have said I cared quite deeply for him. I am naturally a caring person. So despite all that shit, I still felt guilt over it... until the ultimatum.

You will most likely reach a similar point. He will say something or do something that will snap you out of feeling bad about this. All you need is some perspective and the wonderful MN is great at helping people for this.

Your DH sounds incredibly manipulative. That relief you felt is because you have been completely squashed by him. Constantly treading on eggshells for fear of having another argument? Being made to feel guilty about things you shouldn't be guilty about? Dictating aspects of your life to you?

Focus on that feeling of freedom - there's a reason you felt it and it's because you shouldn't be with him.

MrMagooo · 30/05/2019 10:58

@slipperywhensparticus What I was going to suggest

MrMagooo · 30/05/2019 11:00

@BearRabbitPants you may have google the title and add mumsnet on the end if she doesn't have the app

Sicario · 30/05/2019 11:17

This is textbook controlling behaviour. My X actually told me he had cancer to try and stop me leaving him. His relentless controlling nature nearly broke me.

He will try everything to guilt you into staying including manipulating the kids. Stick to your guns. Tell the kids that you love them very much and they should not be worrying about adult things. This is between you and their father. Answer their questions honestly, but minimally. Remember that you are the adult.

You do not have to communicate with him. You have every right to retain your own autonomy and not interact with him.

Seek legal advice and commence divorce proceedings. It's the only language these kind of men understand.

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2019 11:17

Wow, he is a master manipulator, isn’t he? I’m astonished that he has controlled you all these years and he probably is astonished that you’re now fighting back! Do not back down, you have a right to your own life, privacy and can I strongly suggest that you share with your family what he has been doing to you over the years? Asking you to keep it private for the sake of his dignity is yet another control mechanism to keep you subjugated and to keep up outward appearances of normality.

What he is doing and has done to you is not normal. You are allowed to share how controlling he has been. Using the children to further control you is disgusting. What an awful example to them of how a relationship should work!

TeaForTheWin · 30/05/2019 11:25

I he isn't 'genuinely horrible' I fail to see who else would fit the term.

Also wants me to say I regret any past relationships haha anyone else getting 'the great Gatsby' vibes. Narcissist alert.

He isn't broken, he's just a dick/. Stop trying to fix him and get yourself out of there. You don't owe anyone else anything. But you owe yourself freedom.

StormTreader · 30/05/2019 12:01

He's crying because he knows hes lost the total tyrant level of control he had over you - he's crying for himself.

MitziK · 30/05/2019 12:19

Get yourself a new job. That way you have an income whilst the business is wound up and you're not held to ransom.

And I'm not suggesting you say it, but it is perfectly OK to think to yourself 'God, you really are a snivelling little shit, aren't you? Crying to children to get them to do your dirty work and hiding under the guise of being depressed when you're actually just upset I won't lock myself up in a fucking prison cell with you? You weren't sobbing when you were demanding to read my SM, track my movements and force me to break off contact with everybody except for you or blackmailing me with threats to leave if I didn't obey you, were you?.'

It will remind you that he isn't the delicate little flower he's passing himself off as at the moment.

JungleT1gerCam0 · 30/05/2019 12:31

File for divorce for unreasonable behaviour
Now is your chance for freedom

BearRabbitPants · 30/05/2019 12:35

@MrMagooo thank you Smile

sackrifice · 30/05/2019 12:43

We had a big talk where he sobbed and sobbed and said he had lost me and that we may as well let the business go down the pan as he can no longer work etc

'Oh dear. It's fine we can sell the business'.

You need to go grey rock and not respond to this emotional blackmail.

If he starts on again, and he will, just say 'You suggested leaving. You went. I felt relieved. Thank you for making everything so crystal clear for me. Now what we have to do is sort out the arrangements for uncoupling. In the meantime I will go get a job and we can put the business up for sale'.