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Original poster

Husband wants to see my spending

140 replies

snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 07:37

My husband earns a lot more than me. We had a discussion some time ago and we agreed on an amount that was in proportion to our earnings that we'd contribute to the joint account and that way it was fair. We moved to a much bigger house a while ago and I was very clear with him that this was him pushing this and I couldn't contribute all that more financially.

Now, that being said, we have a nice lifestyle. I don't go out all that much at all with friends and I don't really pay for hobbies. I do like to buy clothes for me and the kids but I've always got a bit left over each month. I never use the joint account for this or anything other than food or joint purchases. I don't have a credit card.

Last week I bought 3 new pairs of shoes, mostly smartish ones that I could wear for work (I have a good job myself and I work hard). I've also put on a little weight and have gone up a dress size. This is a good thing as I've been a bit underweight from stress.

Anyway yesterday by H said that he was annoyed with my spending, and he wanted to see my bank account. I said no, because we agreed proportionately. He has a fancy big car that he pays himself that he never talked to me about buying so why should I show him all of my spending? I explained that I'd be happy to sit down and review the joint spending and adjust accordingly, but that I was not allowing him to examine my own account.

He also wants to see my son's (his step sons) savings account. I told him I never touch this as his dad puts into this each month. That it was his and I shouldnt have to show him this.

His reply was full disclosure or we have a major issue here. I replied saying I didn't know his situation or have access to all his accounts and he said he'd show me, but he has money wrapped up in things that I can't see and which I don't know about. Put it this way, he'd not struggle to get money if he needed to. He's very good with it.

I'm not quite sure why but I feel a but vulnerable here. I'm expected to show him to tonight and I don't know what to do. I do have some savings that he doesn't have access to as well and I want to keep a hold of them. We havent had the best relationship recently and it's a bit of a safety net for me and the kids. I know a lot of women who have this and it is often advisable for women to have some of their own savings if they can. He knows I have some but I haven't said how much. The money is just a little from my house sale before we were married and I do some other work for which I'm paid and I save this but it's only occasional.

I'd appreciate some advice please.

OP posts:
Youngandfree · 27/05/2019 07:44

Well essentially I think he’s right a full disclosure needs to be had between you two. But if you think his intentions are “off” then I don’t know, if the tables were turned and he was refusing how would you feel?? Do you think he wants to know because he’s preparing to leave?? Or do you think he just wants clarification on overall finances?

DontPressSendTooSoon · 27/05/2019 07:49

I don't think you should have to disclose this if you don't want to. It's the bullying way he's going about it thatd get my back up. Stand your ground.

Original poster
snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 07:49

I think that's perhaps why I'm anxious.

Also I asked him some time ago to share accounts and for me to see everything and he always said I didn't need to see it or worry.

Now he's saying this, and he is saying he will show me his but I feel that he'd only show me the ones he wants me to see. I don't know, I just feel a bit funny about it and I can't put my finger on it.

OP posts:
sackrifice · 27/05/2019 07:52

possibly preparing to claim half of it if you split.

DontPressSendTooSoon · 27/05/2019 07:52

Do you usually do what he tells you? What happens when you don't?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/05/2019 07:53

It seems unclear what his motivation is.

Is that what's bothering you?

For example I might ask dp about finances if we were about to buy a house. But otherwise I don't think much about that side of things as long as we both contribute to bills.

BouleBaker · 27/05/2019 07:54

As you say it’s the way he’s going about it that’s unpleasant. He has no fight to see any of your finances. I think it would be fair for him to have an idea of what your financial situation is, and for you to know his, but here is absolutely no need for either of you to ‘examine’ the others finances.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 27/05/2019 07:55

I wouldn’t be disclosing unless you jointly needed the extra money and only if he disclosed all of it.

My partner and I put a percentage of our income into the joint, then review it if needed. He does not see my accounts or savings, and I don’t see his. But like your husband I know he’s got lots of pots that I’d never be able to know about (shares). And he equally doesn’t know how much is in our child’s account as he’s terrible with money so he agreed the temptation might be too much.

Go with your instincts? And maybe open a building society account for your back up money?

YouJustDoYou · 27/05/2019 07:57

I'd find it worrying that a) he's hiding money from you, and b) by saying that you "don't need to know about" the money has got tucked away, what's he saying? That you're too stupid to understand it? That you're not worth the time it takes to explain it all? That he doesn't trust you, because he knows in the event of a divorce you'd know about that money and as such able to lay claim to it?

My dh is also a high earner. But in his case he every so often sits down with me and makes sure I know exactly what he's got where, the passwords etc for all bank accounts, what bonds he has, life insuramce policies, etc etc, so I know what is what. It's not fair your dh is treating you with distrust.

Parker231 · 27/05/2019 07:57

Why not all money into one joint account and an equal amount of personal money? Are you jointly named on all savings and investments?

stucknoue · 27/05/2019 07:58

Whilst his attitude is wrong, three pairs of shoes is a lot in a month

mynameiscalypso · 27/05/2019 07:58

So you agreed a split of expenses together and then you bought some shoes with what you have leftover from your salary and he wants full disclosure?! I'd be telling him to fuck off.

RubberTreePlant · 27/05/2019 07:59

He's afraid you're going to leave. That's why his controlling demands extend to your DS's savings.

thegirlracer · 27/05/2019 08:04

If you’re already making your fair share of contribution to the house hold and the kids are provided for (which they clearly are as you’ve described) then there is absolutely no reason for him to need to know every single little thing you buy after that. As for his step sons account that his Dad is paying into? Absolutely non of his business either! It’s not his son, and it’s not your money being put in their, it’s your son’s Dad’s money!

I would be very wary of this man. Even if his intentions are innocent it’s still somewhat controlling.

GeorgeTheBleeder · 27/05/2019 08:04

Are all the children his step-children? Because it seems odd that you are obliged to pay for their clothing out of your personal account, rather than this being a household expense.

Also, you don’t actually seem to have a ‘nice lifestyle’ if shopping is your only leisure activity. I don't go out all that much at all with friends and I don't really pay for hobbies. This doesn’t sound much fun.

Shoxfordian · 27/05/2019 08:04

He sounds controlling
Did you show him your accounts?

averylongtimeago · 27/05/2019 08:04

He's not afraid your going to leave, it looks like he is making plans...

Postmanbear · 27/05/2019 08:06

He’s not asking for full disclosure to improve your relationship, he wants it because he’s annoyed by your spending. I suspect he thinks you are not contributing enough to the joint pot and he wants to use your spending/savings to prove his point.
I would just offer to re look at how much you are both earning and contributing to the joint pot.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2019 08:08

I am not surprised you are feeling a bit vulnerable.

This is controlling behaviour from him and I would call him financially abusive. Its hard to recognise because this type of abuse is truly insidious and does creep up on people over time. Some of the common ways financial abuse happens include:-
Refusing to give you access to bank accounts and hiding or keeping assets from you
Giving you a set amount of money to spend and no more
Constantly questioning purchases you make and demanding to see receipts

Whose idea was it in the main to move to this big house, his I presume?.

I would think he is abusive towards you in other ways too like emotionally and verbally; such men think they are entitled to act like this and feel honestly they have done nothing wrong here. I also doubt very much he would ever give you full financial disclosure on his part (he saying he would show you is not all that reassuring to be honest).

re your comment:-
"I never use the joint account for this or anything other than food or joint purchases. I do not have a credit card".

Why is this the case?. Is this really because he would bitch about this and or you would need to account to him for every penny spent?.

I am not surprised you have not had the best of relationships recently if this is how he behaves. This is not a safety net for you or your children either.

I would seek legal advice re separation and divorce as soon as you are able to do so. Such men feel entitled to act like this and do not change.

CherryPavlova · 27/05/2019 08:09

It’s not sounding like a respectful relationship on either side, to be honest. Why would he not be able to see all family monies/ accounts and why would he feel the need to?
Perhaps renegotiate how family money is allocated, saved and spent. Even if it’s a proportion of income that leaves one spouse worse off than the other which can’t be right within a marriage.

freshstartnewme · 27/05/2019 08:09

three pairs of shoes is a lot in a month

Only if it's every month.

Mix56 · 27/05/2019 08:09

What is he trying to prove? He already knows he earns the giant's share.
Show him your pay slip.... any money you manage to save after your mutually agreed percentage is yours.
If he wants to see all & everything, then he should do likewise.
It sounds like he is a domineering bully.
& I don't see what he has to gain from seeing your DC's account

flumpybear · 27/05/2019 08:09

Sounds pretty toxic - me and DH tell each other about our extra bank accounts no need for secrecy

If he wants to see all your stuff he needs to do the same and be open and honest too - your DS account is his own and your DH can tell you're not paying into his account (assuming here he thinks you're squirrelling money to him )

Is this a pre-break up conversation?! Not sure of motives here or why you aren't both up front anyway

DaphneduM · 27/05/2019 08:10

I would not disclose your finances to him, if I were in your position. It's absolutely none of his business what you do with the remainder of your salary or what savings you and your son have. I know some people do everything jointly, but many don't. We have a similar arrangement to you, although it is an equal contribution towards bills. What's left over is in our individual personal current accounts and we also have our various individual investments and savings accounts. My husband would never dream of asking for disclosure of my money, and I wouldn't with him. Maybe you need to ask him the reason why he wants to have this information, and what has changed for him since your conversation when he wanted the new bigger house? Feel for you, it's a tricky one - but you need to hold firm on this. Otherwise it could be a slippery slope of interference from him.

sheshootssheimplores · 27/05/2019 08:14

I would want to know why he suddenly wants to see the details of my personal bank account. Is he concerned you’re racking up debt?