Husband wants to see my spending

[snugasabug6]

My husband earns a lot more than me. We had a discussion some time ago and we agreed on an amount that was in proportion to our earnings that we'd contribute to the joint account and that way it was fair. We moved to a much bigger house a while ago and I was very clear with him that this was him pushing this and I couldn't contribute all that more financially.

Now, that being said, we have a nice lifestyle. I don't go out all that much at all with friends and I don't really pay for hobbies. I do like to buy clothes for me and the kids but I've always got a bit left over each month. I never use the joint account for this or anything other than food or joint purchases. I don't have a credit card.

Last week I bought 3 new pairs of shoes, mostly smartish ones that I could wear for work (I have a good job myself and I work hard). I've also put on a little weight and have gone up a dress size. This is a good thing as I've been a bit underweight from stress.

Anyway yesterday by H said that he was annoyed with my spending, and he wanted to see my bank account. I said no, because we agreed proportionately. He has a fancy big car that he pays himself that he never talked to me about buying so why should I show him all of my spending? I explained that I'd be happy to sit down and review the joint spending and adjust accordingly, but that I was not allowing him to examine my own account.

He also wants to see my son's (his step sons) savings account. I told him I never touch this as his dad puts into this each month. That it was his and I shouldnt have to show him this.

His reply was full disclosure or we have a major issue here. I replied saying I didn't know his situation or have access to all his accounts and he said he'd show me, but he has money wrapped up in things that I can't see and which I don't know about. Put it this way, he'd not struggle to get money if he needed to. He's very good with it.

I'm not quite sure why but I feel a but vulnerable here. I'm expected to show him to tonight and I don't know what to do. I do have some savings that he doesn't have access to as well and I want to keep a hold of them. We havent had the best relationship recently and it's a bit of a safety net for me and the kids. I know a lot of women who have this and it is often advisable for women to have some of their own savings if they can. He knows I have some but I haven't said how much. The money is just a little from my house sale before we were married and I do some other work for which I'm paid and I save this but it's only occasional.

I'd appreciate some advice please.

I think the issue is that he thinks he’s in charge and has the right to look at your accounts without disclosing his own.
He can’t order you around, you can sit down and talk equally but if he’s not prepared to do that then fuck him.
My husband would show me all our savings/investments etc if I asked and would never hide anything from me. He’s also never asked to see my account. I would show him if asked though but I don’t think he would. Occasionally he says “what have you bought now” in a weary tone

Annoyed by you spending your own money? Giving you two minutes to talk? Accusing of creating a mountain out of an issues that he created all by himself? "Full" disclosure of your accounts only? He treats you like a disobedient child.

The red flags are mounting. You are no longer his partner, but a unpaid assistant he has no respect for. I fear this will only get worse.

I don't think he's worth sticking around for, OP. Don't let him destroy your dignity and walk away.

My exh was like that with the car - his was probably not as posh as yours but expensive for us; we were always paying it off, so it was a big added expense alongside the cost of the house. But he saw it as being a bit like rent; something you just have to pay. And it was supposedly the family car, so he didn't see it as selfish, like my clothes etc.

My exh would also get "annoyed", as you put it, frowning and tutting as if he was my dad or teacher. Once they are treating you with such little respect, I don't know how you can get over that.

Have you always felt on your own in this marriage, as your posts make it sound? You say "kids", so one or more is his?

This is the problem with a) a large difference of wages and b) separate finances. Put the two together and it is one massive breeding ground for resentment. All the comments are valid re him controlling you etc. However, from a different perspective:

OP - could he be resenting you? You have children, are they school age? Young? Do you work part time or full time? So many couples decide the woman will raise the children at home etc but it seems to end in resentment eventually when the children get older and expectations aren't updated. Does your husband work ridiculous hours? Do you get a lot of free time to yourself? Could this simply be that he wants to slow down his career now but can't because he feels he supports you? Might he resent that you earn much less?

Whatever it is, you need to get it out of him somehow and be more assertive. Sounds like he is naturally a controller. I am too, and it works brilliantly in my job and I am successful. It would easily spill over into my marriage if my husband wasn't so outspoken. He puts me back in my place thank god. I'm not evil, it's just I find it hard to snap out of "work" me. We have a purely joint account though and I don't only give him two minutes to talk

By the way for all that I wrote I don't think your marriage is remotely salvageable if he won't even have a discussion with you.

He was a dick to say that her two minutes were up, but when you've just come back from a long day at work, late in the evening, it's also fair enough to be pissed off of the first thing your partner does is expect you to have a discussion about something serious and controversial. Some days you are just too knackered.

In all fairness he came in and had his dinner and I put our daughter to bed. I sat in front of him for half an hour and he said not a word despite knowing how upset I was

Who cooked dinner?

Why are the children's things coming out of your account and not the joint?

Maybe you should think about divorce??

OP
Prepare for the worst here.
Hope for the best.

I would get as much information and paperwork together and get legal advice.

Something isn't right here.

He sounds like an ass!

Maybe he thinks the terms of your split is unfair, maybe there are money worries that he isn't sharing.

I think the issue is that he thinks he’s in charge and has the right to look at your accounts without disclosing his own.

^ this