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Original poster

Husband wants to see my spending

140 replies

snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 07:37

My husband earns a lot more than me. We had a discussion some time ago and we agreed on an amount that was in proportion to our earnings that we'd contribute to the joint account and that way it was fair. We moved to a much bigger house a while ago and I was very clear with him that this was him pushing this and I couldn't contribute all that more financially.

Now, that being said, we have a nice lifestyle. I don't go out all that much at all with friends and I don't really pay for hobbies. I do like to buy clothes for me and the kids but I've always got a bit left over each month. I never use the joint account for this or anything other than food or joint purchases. I don't have a credit card.

Last week I bought 3 new pairs of shoes, mostly smartish ones that I could wear for work (I have a good job myself and I work hard). I've also put on a little weight and have gone up a dress size. This is a good thing as I've been a bit underweight from stress.

Anyway yesterday by H said that he was annoyed with my spending, and he wanted to see my bank account. I said no, because we agreed proportionately. He has a fancy big car that he pays himself that he never talked to me about buying so why should I show him all of my spending? I explained that I'd be happy to sit down and review the joint spending and adjust accordingly, but that I was not allowing him to examine my own account.

He also wants to see my son's (his step sons) savings account. I told him I never touch this as his dad puts into this each month. That it was his and I shouldnt have to show him this.

His reply was full disclosure or we have a major issue here. I replied saying I didn't know his situation or have access to all his accounts and he said he'd show me, but he has money wrapped up in things that I can't see and which I don't know about. Put it this way, he'd not struggle to get money if he needed to. He's very good with it.

I'm not quite sure why but I feel a but vulnerable here. I'm expected to show him to tonight and I don't know what to do. I do have some savings that he doesn't have access to as well and I want to keep a hold of them. We havent had the best relationship recently and it's a bit of a safety net for me and the kids. I know a lot of women who have this and it is often advisable for women to have some of their own savings if they can. He knows I have some but I haven't said how much. The money is just a little from my house sale before we were married and I do some other work for which I'm paid and I save this but it's only occasional.

I'd appreciate some advice please.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/05/2019 10:30

It all sounds not great, but I would certainly not be showing him my bank account details if he was not prepared to do the same.

Do you have DC together as well as your DS? Is he worried your DS has more savings than the other DC?

You’re either all-in on open financial disclosure- transparency from BOTH of you - or you’re not and therefore not obliged to comply if he won’t too.

It all sounds very unequal from what you’ve posted and his motives seem unclear.

hellodarkness · 27/05/2019 10:34

"Why are you alone paying for clothes for the DC?"

Maybe op gets the family allowance. Otherwise I agree, clothing the dc should be a joint responsibility.

barryfromclareisfit · 27/05/2019 10:37

Not happy with this.
Have you had ‘full disclosure’ of all his financial dealings?
He doesn’t get to look at your son’s bank account at all, ever.

duckling84 · 27/05/2019 11:22

I agree with the pp that said only wages slips or a p60 are required for disclosure. Your personal outgoings, spending habits and personal savings are non of his business and you should not disclose. If he's worried your not paying enough into joint expenses the p60 would be enough to address the balance. God feel pressured into doing anything you are not comfortable with

billy1966 · 27/05/2019 11:39

Listen to your gut OP.

This is not good.

He sounds like a financially abusive bully who could be hiding money.

Only agree to an exchange of 3 P60's.

Keep your "running away account" to yourself.

You may need it.
Good luck.

SilverySurfer · 27/05/2019 13:49

I would not be showing my finances to this man and when he asks would give him the same reply that he gave you 'you don't need to see it or worry'. I would offer to have a conversation about how much each currently contributes but be clear that it was his choice to move into a more expensive house which you explained at the time. As far as your son's account is concerned, it is absolutely none of his business and appears to be maintained by your ex. I also second a secret running away account.

Good luck this evening.

Original poster
snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 14:56

Thank you for your messages.

I decided not to show them. Only because I am unclear what the motivation is here and I recognise that I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.

Last night he also suggested that he take away the joint account card from me and I just use a credit card for everything. I have asked him to clarify what the purpose of that would be. Maybe it is to stop the joint account running low, but it just felt a bit of an odd suggestion.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/05/2019 14:59

That sounds quite unsettling.
Do your wages go into it?

overdrive · 27/05/2019 15:05

So you won't have access to the JOINT account? Will the same apply to him?

Nah, if you can't access it, you don't pay into it, surely?

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 27/05/2019 15:12

If he takes away your debit card for the joint account and then gives you an additional card on his credit card account, he can monitor your spending in great detail ( controlling) and turn off the money tap any time he wants.

This does not pass the sniff test OP. Be very careful and gather as much information as you can as quickly as possible about “his” assets.

Please tell me your name is on the deeds of this sparkly new house.

Qweenbee · 27/05/2019 15:13

I agree with him that it's time to reassess your finances - but to a system that you are totally happy with and benefits you both. Be wary.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 27/05/2019 15:16

On the other hand, he may be trying to get you to accumulate credit card debt in your name while leaving himself with access to the joint account?

Not clear what he’s up to yet, but it doesn’t sound good.

WeWantJustice · 27/05/2019 15:17

Alarm bells are pealing out over the internet here.

It does sound like he's planning to dump you, doesn't it. If you pay for everything by credit card, it's your debt and you're responsible for it when you split. Whereas with the joint account, he's responsible for half of that. I reckon he resents you having your own money because he'd like to control it.

Be very careful. Find out where the money is. He's hiding it for a reason.

Iris1654 · 27/05/2019 15:17

I Think he’s planning to leave you.
All of the info he has requested would be useful for his lawyer!

Have you tucked the escape find away somewhere safe? I do think that you will need it. ( I did when I divorced) very prudent to have a fall back.

My DH also accused me of stealing from the children’s accounts, accounts that only I paid into!

GeorgeTheBleeder · 27/05/2019 15:34

How would it be a joint account if you have no access to it? ConfusedHmm It would just be a husband-account.

As others have intimated, you may need all your money for a good lawyer.

lifebegins50 · 27/05/2019 15:38

I was very clear with him that this was him pushing this and I couldn't contribute all that more financially

If you haven't increased contribution is he struggling financially so seeing you with expenditure made him realise you can't be that badly off?

The style of discussion seems poor as I don't think ultimatums are the way to go. Maybe start with this approach, you want it discussed, nothing to hide but needs to be fair and equal. It is the inequality or assumption that he has more right to info than you that is upsetting. Why not say let's go through the joint account as if it is close to running low should the amounts contributed be increased? I should switch the focus here as that maybe where inequality is from his side.
Why are you afraid to share the amount of son's money? I saved for the DC and would always tell Ex what was there.

HollowTalk · 27/05/2019 15:39

Come on, OP, this is financial abuse and you need to face this head on.

He's controlling, jealous, selfish and a complete and utter twat.

What would life with just you and your son be like?

comeonsummer2019 · 27/05/2019 15:46

OP Are you and your H actually together? Or are you two adults living together?

So many people these days seem to live separate money matters and I can't understand it.. his money..your money.. if you get married my view is you both make a vow together.. since when did this money greed take over marriages?

My background, am married, we have joint accounts, we both see all money as ours regardless who earns it. Makes life so simple when you throw away any of these pointless aspects of life. Money 🙄

OhTheRoses · 27/05/2019 15:56

He's in debt.
OP we have separate accounts. DH is the high earner. We have not always consulted. If DH asked for a note of my personal spends I'd throw a cushion at him.

End. It. Now. Don't know why but it stinks.

londonliv · 27/05/2019 15:59

This whole thing with the joint account card is weird. Again this makes me suspect that he may have got himself into financial difficulties. Can you access the joint account & see how much money is in it or do you only have a card to use? I would be very wary.

Mythologies · 27/05/2019 16:01

My ex started by knowing how much was in my purse (by going through it to ‘see if I needed anything Hmm) This escalated (because I didn’t have
He demanded all my bank statements. Put everything I earned into a joint account. Disclosed nothing himself.
Gradually, my concept of acceptability became eroded.
I and the children ended up homeless and destitute.
I am rebuilding, but am looking at ageing with no financial security.
Don’t let this be you OP

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 27/05/2019 16:04

Last night he also suggested that he take away the joint account card from me and I just use a credit card for everything.

And you are married????

I just find this quite shocking...
You really need to have a chat

MrsHormonal2019 · 27/05/2019 16:06

You sound like house mates rather than husband and wife.
My husband and I put all money together but he keeps a bit extra for his own spending in crap that would irritate me if it came out of family budget.
He's on double what I earn so I'm more than happy with him keeping a bit aside as doesn't affect our joint main spending.

StoneColdOld · 27/05/2019 16:13

Last night he also suggested that he take away the joint account card from me and I just use a credit card for everything.

I, too, find this shocking and very worrying. In a good, healthy relationship, why ? just why ?

And as it's a joint account, why don't you snugasabug6 take away the joint account card from him ? (This makes no less sense than his suggestion).

mummmy2017 · 27/05/2019 16:14

Do you have children together?
Tell him you would like to see his tax return for this year, and like to know what monies you have as a family .
Did he buy the car, or do you both have slot if debt you don't know about
Do you rent or own... As if married you can put a charge on the house if he plays games...
Tell him your willing to show your bank accounts when he brings you his.

Check how much wages actually goes I to his account as appose to how much he earnt as he could have a secret account. .
Oh and tell him you had no idea pension pots get split if people divorce. Your friend X told you

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