Husband wants to see my spending

[snugasabug6]

My husband earns a lot more than me. We had a discussion some time ago and we agreed on an amount that was in proportion to our earnings that we'd contribute to the joint account and that way it was fair. We moved to a much bigger house a while ago and I was very clear with him that this was him pushing this and I couldn't contribute all that more financially.

Now, that being said, we have a nice lifestyle. I don't go out all that much at all with friends and I don't really pay for hobbies. I do like to buy clothes for me and the kids but I've always got a bit left over each month. I never use the joint account for this or anything other than food or joint purchases. I don't have a credit card.

Last week I bought 3 new pairs of shoes, mostly smartish ones that I could wear for work (I have a good job myself and I work hard). I've also put on a little weight and have gone up a dress size. This is a good thing as I've been a bit underweight from stress.

Anyway yesterday by H said that he was annoyed with my spending, and he wanted to see my bank account. I said no, because we agreed proportionately. He has a fancy big car that he pays himself that he never talked to me about buying so why should I show him all of my spending? I explained that I'd be happy to sit down and review the joint spending and adjust accordingly, but that I was not allowing him to examine my own account.

He also wants to see my son's (his step sons) savings account. I told him I never touch this as his dad puts into this each month. That it was his and I shouldnt have to show him this.

His reply was full disclosure or we have a major issue here. I replied saying I didn't know his situation or have access to all his accounts and he said he'd show me, but he has money wrapped up in things that I can't see and which I don't know about. Put it this way, he'd not struggle to get money if he needed to. He's very good with it.

I'm not quite sure why but I feel a but vulnerable here. I'm expected to show him to tonight and I don't know what to do. I do have some savings that he doesn't have access to as well and I want to keep a hold of them. We havent had the best relationship recently and it's a bit of a safety net for me and the kids. I know a lot of women who have this and it is often advisable for women to have some of their own savings if they can. He knows I have some but I haven't said how much. The money is just a little from my house sale before we were married and I do some other work for which I'm paid and I save this but it's only occasional.

I'd appreciate some advice please.

snugasabug

re your comment:-
"so I asked him some time ago to share accounts and for me to see everything and he always said I didn't need to see it or worry".

This is another red flag re him.

Any signs that your financial accounts and information are hard to get, or financial topics and paperwork are kept secret, are signs of financial abuse.

It sounds worrying, especially wanting to see your sons account.

No way.
My only compromise would be that in order to ensure the proportionate contributions are still st an appropriate level, you show each other your latest p60 or last three months payslips. I stress show each other.
If he wants to see your finances in any further detail, he will need to allow full access to his own. And until I was absolutely sure, through credit checks etc that I was getting full disclosure I wouldn't be going ahead.
His stepson's arrangements are none of his business - is he trying to make out you are ferreting away thousands to defraud him (your dh)?
And joint dc clothes should be joint expense.

He sounds awful
Partners don’t demand things. They don’t make their loved ones feel scared or that they need to hide stuff

He is controlling and sounds aggressive in how he is going about this
Sure a shopping session might raise an eyebrow if you aren’t contributing the share you agreed but if you are paying the amount agreed between you then it’s none of his business.

If he feels like you aren’t contributing enough then he needs to have a calm discussion based on incomes but tbh if he is a significantly higher earner I would be very hurt that he doesn’t feel he wants to provide and keep you all as comfortable as he is.

I couldn’t live like that. The hiding and the secrets and the doubting who is doing what. Neither of you trust each other.

That just doesn’t sound a happy marriage to me

As for the showing him your account DO NOT DO THAT.

Offer to discuss based on income from all sources what the contributions are and what should be covered by the joint pooling of money but beyond that you are entitled to financial
Privacy.

The way some couples manage finances on here never ceases to amaze me. Bloody odd and more like running a business than a supposedly loving relationship

I disagree with pp.

You contribute less than he does to the household bills, and he now suspects that the split might not be fair. Women who post on here in similar circumstances are always told to push for full disclosure, to see wage slips etc.

You are married, all money is joint regardless of the name on the account, and would have to be disclosed if you divorced. So it is odd that you are both so cagey about money, and full disclosure sounds like a good idea.

You asked for full disclosure in the past, and keep secret money (your escape fund) so why is it controlling of him to ask for full disclosure, to keep hidden accounts?

The way you split and hide your money is unhealthy imo, marriages shouldn't operate on secrecy and resentment.

If you don't want to show him tell him the truth - you think he has hidden accounts that he doesn't intend to disclose. Or get him off your back by paying 50% of the bills.

I agree with the full disclosure bit. It's funny on here. If the man won't disclose its bang out of order but if he wants the woman too then he is controlling 😂

I'm not sure how I would feel about the step kids account though as this is partly your ex's contribution.

She contributes less in monetary terms because she earns less than he does. However, by being there she is contributing anyway and otherwise facilitating his life in other ways in terms of housework and caring for the children.

This whole thing blew up this time because OP bought three pairs of shoes. This annoyed her husband, a man who had already bought himself an expensive car without any prior discussion from the OP. They moved to a big house, again this was in all likelihood his decision in the main and something that he himself wanted.

I would also think it a distinct possibility that OP does not drive his car either.

OP wrote this of her husband:-

"so I asked him some time ago to share accounts and for me to see everything and he always said I didn't need to see it or worry".

He has previously refused to fully disclose.

What stiffasaboard said.

He sounds very unpleasant and controlling. Are you sure you want to stay with him ?

No wonder you are under stress, living like this. Do you want to say more about why you rarely go out with friends ?

BTW those of you going on about 3 pairs of shoes need to get over yourselves. That’s probably £100-150 for shoes to wear to work, while her husband runs a luxurious car which no doubt costs a great deal more.

Many people spend far more than that on themselves every month - I certainly do and we are not rich, just comfortable.

It’s no one else’s business if the OP can afford it, which she said she can.

Normally I would say I see no issue in seeing each other's account but he sounds like he would potentially use information on there to control you.
My OH & I both put money into the joint account - the money leftover is for us to spend & save as we see fit. I would not spend money on something big for myself without discussing with him first (& visa versa).
Your son's savings account is certainly none of his business & should not be shown to him.
I would personally keep your savings hidden in a different account he cannot see & would not disclose the amount.
My suspicion is he may have racked up some debt somehow & is looking on ways to get his hands on some cash to clear it.

I wouldn’t want to have to sit down and go through my bank account but then dh and I have equal spending money so we do whatever we like with our own money. Do you have equal spending money? That’s the part I can’t really get from your op.

Also I asked him some time ago to share accounts and for me to see everything and he always said I didn't need to see it or worry.

This would worry the heck out of me.

The 1950s rang, and even they don't want him back.

As for three pairs of shoes being excessive in a month...!!

I bought 4 pairs of shoes at once around 6 years ago. I don't think I've bought any more since then - actually, two pairs of flip flops last year. My previous pair had just died after 11 years, and the 5 pairs of shoes each had a purpose, (gym, dog walking, two for work - I worked as a waitress on my feet all day, my previous pair had just died and a rotation of shoes kept my fee free of pressure points and pain). All of them are still going. I'm no shoe hoarder, nor extravagant spender!

I would say to him "so you can buy a new car without consulting me, but I buy 3 pairs of work shoes and suddenly you're worried about the split of money?!"

And I would darn well be saving as much as I could, because things really don't look good. :( xxx

You bought some shoes and now he's demanding to see all your bills/finances?? Tell him to do one!

Ask him why he's worried and why he suddenly needs to see three money. Remind him when you asked and he said you needn't worry about it. Ask him why he expects you to. Explain how it makes you feel.

Actually discuss this without being defensive or argumentative.

Tell him that if he wants to see how much you have them you need to instigate joint finances otherwise it’s really not any of his business.

Another approach to your household money is for all of your salaries going into one shared account and all family spending comes out of this - then each of you get a set and equal amount to spend on yourselves each month and you don't have to account for this in any way - you can save it, spend it on anything you want.

That's what i would recommend in a marriage without control issues. You don't have that. I see a mile of red flags here. He has come to a conclusion about your spending or earnings that he is not sharing with you.

It could be he thinks you are not contributing enough, or spending too much, or getting into debt, or saving up to leave him.

I would try to find out the motivation behind his request before showing him anything.

It sounds like he prefers money over his family . It's Not on to ask to look at his step sons bank account.. money is certainly he root of all evil. Sounds like a real tight arse

For me the discomfort would be that he seems to question or distrust you, and then seems to be forcing your hand. You do happen to be saving, that's great, but you are saving in the event of a split. Might he sense this?

FWIW, oh and I pay proportionally and have our own separate accounts for savings and spending. There's no anxiety or tension about this, but we do trust one another.

It’s the hypocrisy that’s an issue - you need to fully disclose but he can hide money away and tell you not to worry about it? No. DH and I regularly check in with how much we have in savings etc, and if we’ve had a spendy month.

I’ve spent about a grand on non-essentials this month (make up, skin care, underwear, clothes, shoes) but I haven’t bought any of this stuff for over two years and everything had run out / fallen apart!

He sounds selfish, greedy and controlling.

You're married, why isn't he sharing the fruits of his good fortune with you, with his high earning job and expensive car? Why didn't you get an expensive car too? Instead you have to do some horrible pro-rata contribution to the household as if you were merely living together without children. Once you're married with kids it should be family money.

Over the years there have been a number of threads on Mumsnet of poor women in rich relationships, whose husbands won't share with them. It's a hideous position to be in. Don't give him access to your financial information, you know he wouldn't do the same for you.

I do like to buy clothes for me and the kids but I've always got a bit left over each month. I never use the joint account for this or anything other than food or joint purchases.

Why are you alone paying for clothes for the DC? I have DSC and we have one together. We both buy clothes for all of them.

Have you children with him or are they yours ?

I wouldn't be showing him my bank account till I saw his. Was it the three pair of shoes that has brought this up ? Are they really expensive shoes .... seems odd that that would make him think ?

All sounds a bit weird to me. You don't sound like you are a team in this marriage , it's you and its him. Independence is a must have in a marriage but that does not mean you shouldn't still be a team.

Gosh if 3 pairs of shoes is a lot then I am very OTT !! And my DH would definitely not tell me what I spend my money on nor would he question what's it's for if I needed it off him.

It would not bother me in the slightest to show my DH my account nor him me. We just don't feel the need. However I think his attitude stinks a little in the manner he has done it.

You obviously have had problems previously if you felt the need to ask him and you think he withhold financial information from you.

I think It should be a "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" in your situation.