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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband wants to see my spending

140 replies

snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 07:37

My husband earns a lot more than me. We had a discussion some time ago and we agreed on an amount that was in proportion to our earnings that we'd contribute to the joint account and that way it was fair. We moved to a much bigger house a while ago and I was very clear with him that this was him pushing this and I couldn't contribute all that more financially.

Now, that being said, we have a nice lifestyle. I don't go out all that much at all with friends and I don't really pay for hobbies. I do like to buy clothes for me and the kids but I've always got a bit left over each month. I never use the joint account for this or anything other than food or joint purchases. I don't have a credit card.

Last week I bought 3 new pairs of shoes, mostly smartish ones that I could wear for work (I have a good job myself and I work hard). I've also put on a little weight and have gone up a dress size. This is a good thing as I've been a bit underweight from stress.

Anyway yesterday by H said that he was annoyed with my spending, and he wanted to see my bank account. I said no, because we agreed proportionately. He has a fancy big car that he pays himself that he never talked to me about buying so why should I show him all of my spending? I explained that I'd be happy to sit down and review the joint spending and adjust accordingly, but that I was not allowing him to examine my own account.

He also wants to see my son's (his step sons) savings account. I told him I never touch this as his dad puts into this each month. That it was his and I shouldnt have to show him this.

His reply was full disclosure or we have a major issue here. I replied saying I didn't know his situation or have access to all his accounts and he said he'd show me, but he has money wrapped up in things that I can't see and which I don't know about. Put it this way, he'd not struggle to get money if he needed to. He's very good with it.

I'm not quite sure why but I feel a but vulnerable here. I'm expected to show him to tonight and I don't know what to do. I do have some savings that he doesn't have access to as well and I want to keep a hold of them. We havent had the best relationship recently and it's a bit of a safety net for me and the kids. I know a lot of women who have this and it is often advisable for women to have some of their own savings if they can. He knows I have some but I haven't said how much. The money is just a little from my house sale before we were married and I do some other work for which I'm paid and I save this but it's only occasional.

I'd appreciate some advice please.

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 27/05/2019 16:47

Hmm.. I would say tit for tat:

Show him as much of your spending as he shows you of his (I don't understand why he wants to see any of it tho? As a PP said, seeing your payslip should be sufficient to ally any concerns about contribution to the joint account).

Give up your joint account card only if he does the same (and what was the purpose of that anyway?).

Also make sure you understand all the incomings and outgoings from the joint account. You absolutely have the right to see those statements.

In the meantime, you need to start sorting out your finances in a way that is set up for your long-term protection. Transfer savings to an ISA perhaps? (I'm not an expert here).

MissLadyM · 27/05/2019 17:18

This is not good...he's up to something

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 27/05/2019 17:22

Yup. He's up to something all right.

Original poster

snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 17:54

He's been talking recently about holidays and when I messaged today he says he can't understand why I'm reluctant, and that it's making him worry?!

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/05/2019 17:58

He's pulling out all the stops trying to manipulate you isn't he?

He probably thinks he's being nice.

If I were you I would gather my strength to separate.
Try and keep some control before he turns nasty.

It seems like either he's trying to groom you for financial abuse or just to fuck you over in a divorce.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/05/2019 17:59

Do your wages go into the joint account though ?

user1479305498 · 27/05/2019 18:14

Somethingvdoesnt quite smell right here, either he has some financial issues, lost money on an investment, tax issues , an expensive ‘habit’ or he is planning on leaving and wants to see exactly what you have or he wants to make sure you can’t leave or he doesn’t want you to be able to see an account for some reason because he’s used the wrong card in error. . I would do some snooping OP, I would tell him what you have and where it is and show pay slips, all done pleasantly , insist he does the same and get sniffing around

NoSquirrels · 27/05/2019 18:14

Well, in my relationship neither of us use the joint account to withdraw cash and it's only for direct debits, so whilst my DH and I both technically have a card each for it, we actually do put all our spending on a credit card (and pay it off each month).

So - it is not necessarily suspicious in and of itself. But it could be as part of a picture where he won't show you all the financials.

Sit down and have a proper conversation about ALL the finances. Perhaps how you do things is out of whack for both of you through circumstance and it needs adjusting. Or perhaps he is a financially controlling arsehole, or perhaps you are a spendthrift? Hard to tell on this alone, so you need to get to the bottom of it.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/05/2019 18:19

If I were married to a spendthrift I would not get them a credit card.

Original poster

snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 18:22

That was my thought. And as I said, I never spend his money.

OP posts:

wonderwhat · 27/05/2019 18:24

Why does he need to see his step sons savings? His father pays into that. That’s his personal money and none of his beeswax. That’s an invasion of your sons privacy. I would not be showing him that and I would not be disclosing those safety net savings either. What’s his intention here? I wouldn’t be hounded like this. Just say no

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/05/2019 18:50

Last night he also suggested that he take away the joint account card from me and I just use a credit card for everything.

I'm wondering whats going on with the joint account that he doesn't want you to see?? Have you had a look at statements to see if there is any unusual spending going on there??

Original poster

snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 18:54

Yes the joint account spending is fine, there is nothing unusual.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 27/05/2019 19:02

What you spend your money on is irrelevant, surely? All either of you need to know, to work out if you are paying proportionately, is how much you each earn. Not what you spend your money on.

Why would he need to know what you're spending on? Does he think you've bought lots of shoes to please a fancy man, or what is his issue?
Has he been acting unusually in other ways lately?

RandomMess · 27/05/2019 19:14

I would be asking "why all of a sudden are you insisting on this, what's changed?"

If he can't tell you that...

StoneColdOld · 27/05/2019 19:15

So if the joint account spending is fine, why on earth does he think it's a good idea to take away the joint account card from you ?
What's his reasoning for that ?
I can't see any good reason other than him being able to control what you spend more easily than at present.
Please tread very carefully op.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 27/05/2019 19:21

Whose name is on the credit card that he wants you to use instead of the joint account?

Original poster

snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 19:38

Well I don't have a CC so I suspect it is the one we use occasionally which is in his name. I don't know. I've asked him to explain but he's not yet.

I'm not sure he's planning to leave but I do think he's trying to restrict me. I won't allow it, though I will be fair. I calculated that I should probably put a little more into the joint account and I will do that. I'll say that to him when I see him.

And I admit I probably shop sometimes when I'm bored but as I said I don't do much else. I don't get the opportunity as he works so much and we have the children.

Thanks for all your input.

OP posts:

CaptainJaneway62 · 27/05/2019 19:43

Stick to you guns OP and don't show him anything.
Cut back on your spending and save more because the way he is carrying on it doesn't look as though he treats you fairly at all.

justasking111 · 27/05/2019 20:01

Does he want to take your name off the joint account. Re: credit card, does he then want to check the statements.

It is not a bad idea to have a credit card. It improves your footprint.

I use a credit card for household expenses which OH goes through each month, has a grumble about how much things costs and could I shop cheaper. He was moaning about his tax bill back in January it was so high, I said well you earned £XXX last year, he swears he did not earn that much and how the heck would I know anyway, well I reminded him I do the tax returns and I can assure you that you did. Daft man.

Mix56 · 27/05/2019 20:09

Why does he unilaterally get the power to decide to take your debit card for bank acc away ?
This sounds like he is financially abusive.

Original poster

snugasabug6 · 27/05/2019 20:52

He came home late and I sat down in front of him and waited... Nothing. I asked if we were going to talk. His reply was that he is too tired and that he didn't understand why I had made a mountain out of everything. I reminded him that he asked to see all my accounts and he said he didn't, to which I replied that he bloody did. He said my two minutes was up and he was too tired. So nothing is resolved and it has all been left. He's gone to bed and I'm left here wondering still what it was all about.

OP posts:

Qweenbee · 27/05/2019 21:05

Do you think he's bitten off more than he can chew with the new commitments and he's actually worried about how quickly money is disappearing, and this is a cack handed way of trying to get a handle on things? Perhaps he's worried about lack of savings now?

Trying to be generous here and look for less suspicious motives. Don't go in all guns blazing, just be concerned as to why he is concerned all of a sudden.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/05/2019 22:17

I calculated that I should probably put a little more into the joint account and I will do that. I'll say that to him when I see him
I was going to advise against doing this until he actually started discussing finances/worries with you instead of demanding that you justify spending your personal money.
Plus - I explained that I'd be happy to sit down and review the joint spending and adjust accordingly
You've already opened the discussion about the joint account!

The joint account isn't even a problem.
Don't offer him a solution to a non existent problem.

The conversation for calculations being exact to the penny (which is what this sounds like) is to be had when HE tells you he's noticed/is worried about joint account spending and can back it up - or when he can be arsed to behave in a reasonable manner.

Your dc basic expenses should also be coming out of the joint account - it's a joint expense.

Could he be resentful of your dc? Or have an issue re maintenance/lack of?
If you're using your personal spends to cover the dc then overall you have an even lower amount that is 'yours'....which defeats the whole objective of paying proportionately so you have roughly an equal amount left over.

After your recent update, i'd hold off on offering him solutions, explaining yourself or pacifying him about anything until he apologises and starts communicating like a decent human being.

my hot red rage would have turned to cold rage now if it happened to me.
Dick!

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/05/2019 22:22

He said my two minutes was up and he was too tired
Oh really?

How about his time is up because you've had enough seen the light?

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