Husband wants to see my spending

[snugasabug6]

My husband earns a lot more than me. We had a discussion some time ago and we agreed on an amount that was in proportion to our earnings that we'd contribute to the joint account and that way it was fair. We moved to a much bigger house a while ago and I was very clear with him that this was him pushing this and I couldn't contribute all that more financially.

Now, that being said, we have a nice lifestyle. I don't go out all that much at all with friends and I don't really pay for hobbies. I do like to buy clothes for me and the kids but I've always got a bit left over each month. I never use the joint account for this or anything other than food or joint purchases. I don't have a credit card.

Last week I bought 3 new pairs of shoes, mostly smartish ones that I could wear for work (I have a good job myself and I work hard). I've also put on a little weight and have gone up a dress size. This is a good thing as I've been a bit underweight from stress.

Anyway yesterday by H said that he was annoyed with my spending, and he wanted to see my bank account. I said no, because we agreed proportionately. He has a fancy big car that he pays himself that he never talked to me about buying so why should I show him all of my spending? I explained that I'd be happy to sit down and review the joint spending and adjust accordingly, but that I was not allowing him to examine my own account.

He also wants to see my son's (his step sons) savings account. I told him I never touch this as his dad puts into this each month. That it was his and I shouldnt have to show him this.

His reply was full disclosure or we have a major issue here. I replied saying I didn't know his situation or have access to all his accounts and he said he'd show me, but he has money wrapped up in things that I can't see and which I don't know about. Put it this way, he'd not struggle to get money if he needed to. He's very good with it.

I'm not quite sure why but I feel a but vulnerable here. I'm expected to show him to tonight and I don't know what to do. I do have some savings that he doesn't have access to as well and I want to keep a hold of them. We havent had the best relationship recently and it's a bit of a safety net for me and the kids. I know a lot of women who have this and it is often advisable for women to have some of their own savings if they can. He knows I have some but I haven't said how much. The money is just a little from my house sale before we were married and I do some other work for which I'm paid and I save this but it's only occasional.

I'd appreciate some advice please.

He said my two minutes was up

What on earth? Who exactly does he think he is?

He's acting like the boss or a head teacher and you're a supplicant begging for a moment of his time, not his wife. Disgusting.

He said your two minutes were up!!! My god, how do you live with this man?? I'd be seeing a bloody solicitor if what you've posted on here is typical behaviour from him. I wouldn't be putting any more into anything joint.

Hmm. You already have a major problem.

I can't help but think pooling all earnings and having an equal amount each for personal spending would be fairer and would prevent these arguments. I also think the children's clothes should be a joint expense.
All that aside, he sounds like an arse. No way does he need to see your bank account.

He sounds a delight!

A good idea to open an online savings account to which he has no access and doesnt know about and keep the details from him. Instead of buying the childrens clothes from your account, use the joint account. Children are not your expenses but joint expenses. I certainly wouldnt respond to your husband's comments.

I'd just show him my pay slip to confirm my earnings and look at his and work out the proportionate contributions to be made to the joint account.
He has no right to see your son's savings account.

Does he think you are in debt or getting in a mess?

He won't tell her hellsbells, her two minutes were up, remember?

This is why I've never been married.

"Last night he also suggested that he take away the joint account card from me" Wtaf! No! If you're paying into that account you're allowed to access and use it!!

"Your two minutes are up" who the hell does he think he is?!

All sounds very dodgy to me.

Assuming your paying a fair share (proportionately) towards joint expenses and so is he then what YOU spend your spending money on, providing it's not excessive or incurring unmanageable debt is none of his damn business!

And his stepsons savings raised by his father are CERTAINLY none of his business!!

'He said my two minutes was up'

So he's in charge? He wants to see all your money and spending but you don't get to see his? Unless he traveled here in a time machine from the 1800s when the man was the head of the household and even a woman's own earnings were his by right, what makes him think he can set the terms of everything?

Tell him - when you get your next 2 minute slot in his schedule - that you will only disclose your finances to him if he does the same with his finances. And if you can't have access to the joint account, then it's not a joint account anymore so you won't be paying anything into it.

Sounds like he is the kind of man who requires a firm response or he will start thinking he runs the place.

I was slightly conflicted until I read the ‘2 minutes were up’ comment.

I think it’s a bit odd not to have full access to each other’s finances. We have joint accounts and separate accounts but don’t keep anything from each other. However, in this case, something sounds very dodgy.

These type of men follow the same script!
The moment you stand up to them or call them out on something that's when they show their true colours.
Don't back down OP and just watch his behaviour deteriorate over the coming days or weeks.

How long have you been together, & for how much of that time have you been married? Do you & he have children together? Was he previously married, any DC from the marriage if he was? Is your home owned or rented? Are you a co-owner/tenant or is the property in his sole name? His behaviour certainly seems very odd, and worrying. Have you any contact with his relatives/friends/work colleagues that could give you some insight into what may be behind it all?

I don't think he's struggling. I think he maybe feels instead of buying shoes I could contribute more, which i understand. But then he would still be at a major advantage.

The problem here is that I am not equal. He has in the past said plenty that makes it clear its his vs mine. When I challenge that he says that it is ours but when he is annoyed for whatever reason it is, quite clearly his.

I suspect he's feeling out of control just now as our relationship isn't great. But him being controlling isn't helping, it's only making things worse.

I wish he'd speak to me like an adult. Like his wife. But often I feel like just another employees, and way down his list of priorities.

I wish he'd speak to me like an adult. Like his wife. But often I feel like just another employees You should probably start a conversation there when he has more than 2 minutes. Dick

Remind him that you would have been happy to stay in the old house. You didn't want to stretch yourself and have less disposable income. You told him this at the time. It was his choice to move. Why should you now be expected to sacrifice buying shoes etc. Yes you could contribute more but morally you shouldn't have to if he can afford to finance it himself.

Er it doesn’t matter how many shoes the op buys. Its her money. Your dh sounds bullying and controlling.

I couldn’t function in this type of relationship. All our money goes into one account and that’s that. I think these arrangements breed secrecy.

Get out now, OP. This is going to get a lot worse as he tries to gain control.

Fuck him.
Start by finding all his financial details.
Take pictures.
Somethings going on and snooping may be the only way you can find out.
Advise him if he takes your card away you will stop putting any money into the joint account.

"I reminded him that he asked to see all my accounts and he said he didn't, to which I replied that he bloody did. He said my two minutes was up and he was too tired. So nothing is resolved and it has all been left. He's gone to bed and I'm left here wondering still what it was all about"

So apart from giving you all of 120 seconds he is not above trying to gaslight you to boot. Then he comes out with the classic I am too tired excuse.

He really does treat everyone outside the home and his work colleagues with more respect.

Image is all important to such men.

I would plan your exit from this relationship now with due care because such a man will never play ball. He is very much trying to control you and what you wrote about his wanting to take away your debit card and have all your spending on a credit card (which he will pore over when he receives the statement) was horrifying.

This is not going to get any better for you snug because he will simply continue to try and ramp up the power and control against you. This is what controlling behaviours are all about and they are abusive. Please talk to Womens Aid and start planning your exit strategy here with care.

BTW how does he get along with your son?.

What a prick demanding that you sacrifice your spending so you can "contribute more" when he's well-off himself. A loving husband shares with his wife, he'd want her to receive the fruits of his good fortune too.

I bet you do and have always done the bulk of the housekeeping and childcare duties. Funny how contributing equally doesn't translate into him pulling his weight in those scenarios.

He sounds horrible OP.

Full disclosure, on both sides, seems perfectly acceptable to me. One sided, not so.

So he has a nice big car for himself but then gets annoyed that you bought 3 pairs of shoes. Has he shown you what he's spending?