Think I need to cancel my wedding

[RaspberryRiceCakes]

Ok so have names changed just for this as don't want it connected to other posts.

DP and I are getting married in August this year. We have been together for 12 years, have 1 DC ages 2, and we own our home jointly.

For years he has been a bit secretive about money, got a bit weird if I asked how much money he had left over after bills etc. We have a joint account and we pay equal amounts into it so not like he doesn't pay his way, but he just whacks everything else on a credit card...coffee, petrol, food shop etc. It builds up and up until it's out of control. I eventually find out about it, we figure a way to pay it off and then he promises to be better with his money, cancel the card etc. He has pretty average credit despite debt years ago but he can only get high interest rate credit cards also so the payments are usually very high. I on the other hand have very good credit.

This cycle continues over and over and we now have an 18k loan which is a consolidation of a number of his credit cards/finance and some other unfortunate large spends when we were short of cash because he took a large pay cut -another thread entirely-. He now has a better paid job again and we are doing ok financially. I thought this was it though and all the debt was just this one manageable monthly payment. We had a very frank conversation months ago after the last lot of credit card debt was discovered. We discussed remortgaging later in the year and take some equity out of the house to get rid of it. However I have since found out he has 2 credit cards each with 1K+ on (he told me he only had about £300 on 1, and last month he took out an 8.5k loan!!! He has at least paid off the credit cards as the payment on the loan is much less than the credit cards, but I don't know how he was planning on explaining the extra 6k. He has also booked us a holiday for next year which he doesn't know I've seen the paperwork for. That still leaves 4k. I also don't know how he was planning on explaining the loan when we came to remortgage.

I first got suspicious because he started spending money on clothes, not expensive really but I know he wouldn't have much spare cash. He also gave me his card details to pay for something for the wedding which he said was his credit card (that we would pay off with the money we were waiting for) but they were in fact is debit card details, this was £500 and I know he definitely wouldn't have that much spare.

Our wedding is costing under 3k and we have had money gifted to help with this anyway so no financial pressure there. There's less than 1K left to pay.

I have confronted him about it last night and he has done his usual deny deny deny. I haven't shown my hand yet on how I know 100% (bank statement) but I've told him something has shown up on my credit report as he is a linked associate. Still deny deny deny. He's stated he was 'just looking' and applied for one but cancelled it before he received any money as the rate was different after he'd gone through the application.

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and this morning has been frosty. He's gone out for a bit and I've sent him a long text basically saying I'm not angry about the actual loan, I'm angry about the denial. That he must thing I'm a right mug, I'm insulted he things I'm so dumb. I said I'm not prepared to enter a marriage based on lies and he's basically text back saying, we'll make sure you do it today and text everyone to let them know. So he's calling my bluff.

Still complete and utter denial 🤷‍♀️ like, HE is the dumb one isn't he?? What do I do? I really don't want to end things, I love him very much and things are good in every other aspect. But I just don't get why he takes me for such a mug when it comes to money/hidden debt.

(Also large debt can seriously effect my job...I've applied for a new job internally and will have to go through more strict vetting if I get it, and large debt can apparently leave you open to bribes so I would probably fail it )

Sorry for the extremely long post.

Please please please don't marry him, OP. He will drag you down with him and your children too.

I even considered doing overtime or changing back to shifts at work to get our finances last time we were in this mess

No don’t do this. My lovely sister did - took a Saturday job and worked during her annual leave - while raising 2DCs - just to plug the gaps - but it was always a sinking ship.

He sounds a bit of a Narc - deluded, entitled and arrogant on top of it all.

As with any addict - the advice is detach and do not be in a relationship until they are 1 year clean and clear. So in your case - separate - let him clear up HIS debts and once he is debt free for a year then consider having a relationship with him.

Get help for your emotional self first - why are you tolerating this - where are your red lines? Forget managing his debt. That’s the same as someone suggesting that they keep the keys to the drinks cabinet and measure out a glass of red each night.

This is his solo journey. You will be doing him a favour. Your DC might even get a responsible co-parent in a couple of years. Carry on as you are and you are all going down the drain emotionally and financially.

Tell your Mum the whole story. She will be glad you did. She already suspects and will help you move on.

The only reason I would do this now reason is for me or DC. I won't be doing it to bail him out again. It was just something I considered last time because I only work 3 days so in theory so have the time.

All this crashing about it is to make you feel that you are being unreasonable and that this is your fault.

Yes indeed. He was trying to blame me for him needing to take out the loan because I can't pay my half of the bills. I can 🙄

Debt repayments will now be £600 per month

Actually makes me feel sick. We could be saving that and have £7k in savings within a year!!!

God I'm getting so mad again.

This isn’t love either. Love is v simple - it’s foundation is kindness and respect - he hasn’t shown any of that to you. So it’s unrequited love at best. Addicts are v selfish.

All of this negative energy trying to work him out, bail him out, monitor, manage, refinance is emotionally draining you - don’t waste these precious years of your DC important early years being distracted and consumed by his nonsense. Prioritise focusing your finite time and emotional energy positively on your DC. They deserve it. Not him

Could he be into gambling or something which he is embarrassed about?

You both need a rethink over your outgoings eg holidays and cars. You are living way beyond your means.

This sounds exactly like my husband but I didn't find out until after I married him. Cancel the wedding, this man will never ever change 😔

Why is it your job to scrimp and save and go without so that you can pay off his debts that he hid from you

Do you really think he would've used the money for nursery fees if you hadn't caught him out?

If you want to marry him, that's your choice, but please please delay the wedding until the debt is paid off.

Rocket we can cover all of our outgoings. Including the now £600 debt repayments. We could actually probably afford a holiday by next year too, maybe not one quite to expensive/extravagant but we could afford a nice weeks holiday in the sun. This is why I don't understand the need for the loans/debt.

His blaming you and shouting at you would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

He doesn’t love you. He’s only with you because you facilitate his lifestyle.

Do you really think he would've used the money for nursery fees if you hadn't caught him out?

No. He wouldn't be able to anyway as I pay them through the online tax free account thingy. He probably would have used it to cover the car direct debits until something else came along that he fancied buying though.

OP, you dont understand because you dont yet have all the facts.

Well he’s showing his true colours now isn’t he? £600 would be a second mortgage for us.

It's actually more than our mortgage Fluffy. Ours is only £500

Ud still not marry him, for several reasons, firstly his debts would then become your debts. Secondly, he really needs to understand how badly this has affected you, you marry him, he’s got away with it again, thirdly, it’s the lies, doesn’t matter if it’s another woman, money or a secret cycling habit, he’s proven he’s happy to lie to you. Until your comfortable he won’t lie, the. I’d not marry him

When sil exdp was caught with a piece of Jewellery receipt she’d never received he pulled the same line, that it was a nice surprise but she’d ruined it now so he was going to return it.

When sil exdp was caught with a piece of Jewellery receipt she’d never received he pulled the same line, that it was a nice surprise but she’d ruined it now so he was going to return it.

I've seen the holiday paperwork with mine and DCs names on it so he's not taking anyone else if that's what you're getting at.

So sorry @Robinthecaveman that is really horrible and must be an extremely bitter pill to swallow.

op, your other half knows he is up against a wall and is attempting to salvage what he can by telling you what he thinks you need to hear.

His attitude in getting arsey, locking you out and deflecting when he knows he is in the wrong is worrying, as is the fact that he clearly can't pull himself together to be financially reliable / talk to you. He must know deep down his actions are financially damaging you and your child but he can't stop - only he can save him. Bailing him out time and time again will not help. Honestly, I'm not saying end the relationship, but I am saying delay getting married as you will ultimately be the one that loses financially out by virtue of him riding on your coat tails if things do not work out.

When you have the cards and control over money, he will hate you, absolutely loathe you. Then he will tell everyone how you are financially abusive. And he will genuinely believe it.

freedomprogramme.co.uk

For the love of god please cut all ties with him now and save yourself years of stress and worry, he is dragging you and dc down into poverty! Why the fuck are you allowing yourself to be responsible for paying more than your mortgage on HIS DEBTS?! He is taking you for a complete and utter mug, to stay with him is madness. THIS IS WHO HE IS.

Wot ? Wait ?? You scrimp & save, & you remortgage (your half of) the house, to pay his debts? the debts he makes by eating shit food & putting on weight, so he then needs a new wardrobe.
Then this stropping off to try & deflect, lie, & hide the truth.
Then theatrics about the holiday, the paying the nursery.
Sorry, I would not help him pay his debts, I would not marry him, he can indeed sell his watch, his golf clubs, his car.... he can make sandwiches, cancel the holiday, the wedding venue.. absolutely nothing stopping him getting another credit at any time.... stop fixing it.
Enough...

When you have the cards and control over money, he will hate you, absolutely loathe you. Then he will tell everyone how you are financially abusive. And he will genuinely believe it.

This.

That's why he doesn't want me to control the finances, because he saw what it did to his DM

This is why your relationship will never work. This was the first and greatest red flag.

Right from the start you have been on the back foot. You have been stopped from making any actions to get clarity on his spending because from the beginning you have been hamstrung by this condition on your relationship - that you cannot ever do anything that will be at all similar to what his abusive father did to his mother. As a result you have bent over backwards to prove that you are nothing like his father, and he has completely and deliberately taken advantage of that to carry on at your emotional and literal expense. He has been happy himself to do to you what his father did to his mother and has pissed away your family money and pissed on your relationship.

Now it has all come to a head and he has agreed that you take full financial control because the alternative is that you walk away. He will absolutely make your life a miserable hell for this, and you will now be the 'bad guy' and the cause of all his subsequent issues including the inevitable future job losses and every and all bad decisions he will make from now on. Including acquiring further credit cards and loans - it will be your fault now. You will have made him do it.

He has still not even taken the first step to addressing his actual issue, which is a spending addiction.

I personally would not marry this man and I also would not stay in a relationship with him. If after a year or so he has shown that he is adult enough to seek out and stay committed to some serious therapy, then perhaps you could meet up again and see what happens. But until then you need to stay away from him, for his sake as well as for your own.