Think I need to cancel my wedding

[RaspberryRiceCakes]

Ok so have names changed just for this as don't want it connected to other posts.

DP and I are getting married in August this year. We have been together for 12 years, have 1 DC ages 2, and we own our home jointly.

For years he has been a bit secretive about money, got a bit weird if I asked how much money he had left over after bills etc. We have a joint account and we pay equal amounts into it so not like he doesn't pay his way, but he just whacks everything else on a credit card...coffee, petrol, food shop etc. It builds up and up until it's out of control. I eventually find out about it, we figure a way to pay it off and then he promises to be better with his money, cancel the card etc. He has pretty average credit despite debt years ago but he can only get high interest rate credit cards also so the payments are usually very high. I on the other hand have very good credit.

This cycle continues over and over and we now have an 18k loan which is a consolidation of a number of his credit cards/finance and some other unfortunate large spends when we were short of cash because he took a large pay cut -another thread entirely-. He now has a better paid job again and we are doing ok financially. I thought this was it though and all the debt was just this one manageable monthly payment. We had a very frank conversation months ago after the last lot of credit card debt was discovered. We discussed remortgaging later in the year and take some equity out of the house to get rid of it. However I have since found out he has 2 credit cards each with 1K+ on (he told me he only had about £300 on 1, and last month he took out an 8.5k loan!!! He has at least paid off the credit cards as the payment on the loan is much less than the credit cards, but I don't know how he was planning on explaining the extra 6k. He has also booked us a holiday for next year which he doesn't know I've seen the paperwork for. That still leaves 4k. I also don't know how he was planning on explaining the loan when we came to remortgage.

I first got suspicious because he started spending money on clothes, not expensive really but I know he wouldn't have much spare cash. He also gave me his card details to pay for something for the wedding which he said was his credit card (that we would pay off with the money we were waiting for) but they were in fact is debit card details, this was £500 and I know he definitely wouldn't have that much spare.

Our wedding is costing under 3k and we have had money gifted to help with this anyway so no financial pressure there. There's less than 1K left to pay.

I have confronted him about it last night and he has done his usual deny deny deny. I haven't shown my hand yet on how I know 100% (bank statement) but I've told him something has shown up on my credit report as he is a linked associate. Still deny deny deny. He's stated he was 'just looking' and applied for one but cancelled it before he received any money as the rate was different after he'd gone through the application.

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and this morning has been frosty. He's gone out for a bit and I've sent him a long text basically saying I'm not angry about the actual loan, I'm angry about the denial. That he must thing I'm a right mug, I'm insulted he things I'm so dumb. I said I'm not prepared to enter a marriage based on lies and he's basically text back saying, we'll make sure you do it today and text everyone to let them know. So he's calling my bluff.

Still complete and utter denial 🤷‍♀️ like, HE is the dumb one isn't he?? What do I do? I really don't want to end things, I love him very much and things are good in every other aspect. But I just don't get why he takes me for such a mug when it comes to money/hidden debt.

(Also large debt can seriously effect my job...I've applied for a new job internally and will have to go through more strict vetting if I get it, and large debt can apparently leave you open to bribes so I would probably fail it )

Sorry for the extremely long post.

He's only told you because he was busted,! If you hadn't caught him then God knows what else he would've done!

You're so right! How much more debt could it have been had I not found out. Makes he shudder to think.

His behaviour when confronted is abusive and disrespectful to you. This is how he treats the mother of his child, his soon to be wife who has bailed him out time and again.

It gets worse with every post.

There is no remorse here just the usual emotionally immature and abusive behaviour of an addict cornered - ranting and raving and blaming someone else - not taking any responsibility. And then it is your issue to manage and monitor.....

You seriously need to walk. Get yourself some counselling. Call the wedding off.

Tell your Mum and friends.

Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant.

Stop enabling. He is draining your dry emotionally and financially.

@RaspberryRiceCakes my ex husband did that. Then when he deployed to Afghanistan a letter dropped through the door to advise him he missed a payment on his credit card that I knew nothing about. I managed to get into his NatWest Credit Card online banking and he had spent thousands on iTunes in 3 months. Which meant we had to use money we'd earmarked for a kitchen replacement.

Also when we divorced he cited me as being financially abusive and took me for 40k from the house when he'd contributed 5k in monthly payments if he was lucky.

Should add initially I thought he'd been a victim of fraud which is why I got into his credit card acc.

My ex when busted didn't actually expect to make sacrifices to pay back his debts. We had the handing over of control to me etc. Just meant that every time he ran out of cash it became my fault. That's what finally broke us.

You're so right! How much more debt could it have been had I not found out. Makes he shudder to think.

If you add up all of the cumulative debt you have cleared for him over the years how much does it come to?

He has done it before. He will do it again and again and again. Until you have nothing left. He is like the cheating husband who has been caught out with affairs. He just gets smarter at hiding it.

My sister has lived your life. £80K was the final sum that lost their house this time last year. There were many bail outs along the way - so add another £60 over the decades.

Same as your OH - kept losing / changing jobs - until he became unemployable due to too many job changes. She is homeless, penniless and emotionally exhausted.

@another20

Poor fucking woman

Hang on why did he get a loan out to pay nursery fees without discussing it first with you ? He is making no sense.

Blustering around shouting at you it to get you to back down and behave and stop questioning him

I think even if you do decide to stay in the relationship then you need to protect yourself financially by cancelling the wedding.

But after that little scene, where he lied and deceived and gaslighted you repeatedly, well, I'm not sure that I could forgive that. I know you say that love him, but I think maybe you love the person that you thought he was. And he's not that person.

The fact he was completely abusive to you because he was found out, blaming you, ranting down the street to your kids, is just unforgivable. Even if you do decide to work it out (not saying you should) his disrespect is incredible and unforgivable. He should be grovelling and begging you to help him, apologising, etc. Not blaming you, going off on one and saying you can save hard together to pay off his repeated mistakes

His handing over control of his finances to you isn't a solution. You already know you're good with money, you don't need any practice. It's whether or not HE can ever achieve that that's in question. I'd repeat what I said earlier - sell the house & with both of you totally independent financially let him prove over the course of say a year that he can make it work. Cutting off his current sources for credit may result in him taking more drastic measures further down the line, such as putting your home up as collateral, re-mortgaging etc all without your knowledge. I think you said that he's about 30 & you've been together for 12 years so since he was about 18. I can't imagine he had much if any experience of budgeting etc at that age. He needs time out before he gets any older to figure out the harsh realities of money & how to manage it.

Hang on why did he get a loan out to pay nursery fees without discussing it first with you ? He is making no sense.

Originally he said he was going to is it to pay for our cars for 12 months. We have 2 and total about £520 per month all together. I know they're expensive but he then started saying that I'm not having the big car anymore because I can't afford it, I can have the small car because that's all I can pay for (the difference is about £120) and we pay half each, they come out of the joint bills so no idea where he got that from. Just another way to be spiteful.

Then he changed his tune and said we can pay the nursery fees in advance until the end of the year so that the money isn't just sitting around in the bank paying monthly direct debits for the cars.

I think you said that he's about 30 & you've been together for 12 years so since he was about 18. I can't imagine he had much if any experience of budgeting etc at that age.

No he didn't really. He used to play football and got paid cash weekly for playing, he'd go and blow it on the pub and nights out. But we weren't financially linked then and he lived with his nan so other than his phone, he had no bills. We moved abroad together when we were 21 and came back when we were 23/24. Never any issues when we were abroad, though I think the fact we couldn't get credit or anything meant we had to live within our means. We only got into debt when we had to pay for £3k flights home abruptly and that's the last time my DM bailed me/us out. Things bumbled along fine for a bit when we were living with my parents and also when we got our first flat, we were able to live within our means but I was earning a lot then as I was doing shifts. I don't now because of DC.

I even considered doing overtime or changing back to shifts at work to get our finances last time we were in this mess but he said no because he didn't want DC in nursery 5 days a week.

Why not postpone the wedding and say you will replay a date when the debts paid off. To be completely transparent say using a credit score checker to see any outstanding debt and watch each month as it goes down. You will then know how serious he is about getting married if repaying the debt has a direct consequence. Also it gives him a goal. A bit like when you work towards any achievement be it giving up smoking, alcohol, losing weight or getting out of debt. Just a thought. It may help you regain trust in him if he gives you access to his credit report then you will know he has nothing to hide and no nasty surprises in store

He's a knob head. He doesn't make any sense. All decisions about joint money should be made together. I'm out now cos I don't want to watch this car crash anymore. You need to leave or read the riot act and agree a budget. Hair brained schemes to borrow money to free up money to pay debts and bills. No. Stop spending, Apple Watch ffs, let him sell it.
He's in cloud cuckoo land.

I'm out now cos I don't want to watch this car crash anymore.

Yes we'll thank you, my life is indeed a car crash but it's not like I'm not aware of that already

Raspberryricecake.... My stbx wife financially abused me for years. It was lie after lie. And yes of course it's now all my fault.
£20000 and 3 ccjs she left me with. She maxed my overdraft out to £7000 and l didn't even no I had an overdraft. I stayed with her because I loved her but the stress it caused us was unbelievable. I just couldn't trust her and yes I became extremely worried over money. Now I'm the bad husband because I was tight with money.
Good luck
I'm not going to advise you to break off your big day but I wish I had left earlier in our marriage as I believe someone abusing you is not true love.

Sorry, hant entirely RTFT.

Has anyone mentioned [[http://debtorsanonymous.org.uk Debtors Anonymous]?

Yes it's an addiction like any other and he shows all the signs. As you say he's like an alcoholic but with money.

Do go to Al-anon. For those close to an addict.

£520 pm on 2 cars. £6000 a year. Can he get something cheaper for himself instead? Or is it a lease thing?

Debtors Anonymous

Cancel it.
All this crashing about it is to make you feel that you are being unreasonable and that this is your fault.

I'm afraid I would not only cancel the wedding but I'd also leave him.
He is putting your life and your DCs life in jeopardy.
My ex kept doing this and I kept bailing him out year after year after year. I should have finished paying my mortgage now but it won't be paid off until I retire because of the debt.
We're divorced now but I've since discovered that he has racked up more massive debt and all I can think is thank God he has gone.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this, it must be horrid. In case you are wavering think about it like this: you have a child, so you can not get married. It’s that simple.

At the moment your child has one parent who will, without a doubt, not give them financial stability. And one, who if legally/financially not tied to the other, can.

So for the sake of your child don’t fuck that up. The best way to protect your child is to not get married. I wouldn’t stay with him as he sounds like a dick, but if you do, do so with completely separate finances. Good luck.

They're both leased. We got rid of the previous cars on actual finance which were about £650 per month. The small car which is £200 and the big car is £320. But I have the big car because he parks in a car park at work with very tight spaces whereas where I park is fine.

Our income does cover all of our outgoings and we should have some left over but we never do.

Wtf is he spending the money on?
Call the wedding off, it’s better that than live with his bullshit, and kick him out, you and your child deserve better than his lies. As pp said you marry him and his debts become yours.