Think I need to cancel my wedding

[RaspberryRiceCakes]

Ok so have names changed just for this as don't want it connected to other posts.

DP and I are getting married in August this year. We have been together for 12 years, have 1 DC ages 2, and we own our home jointly.

For years he has been a bit secretive about money, got a bit weird if I asked how much money he had left over after bills etc. We have a joint account and we pay equal amounts into it so not like he doesn't pay his way, but he just whacks everything else on a credit card...coffee, petrol, food shop etc. It builds up and up until it's out of control. I eventually find out about it, we figure a way to pay it off and then he promises to be better with his money, cancel the card etc. He has pretty average credit despite debt years ago but he can only get high interest rate credit cards also so the payments are usually very high. I on the other hand have very good credit.

This cycle continues over and over and we now have an 18k loan which is a consolidation of a number of his credit cards/finance and some other unfortunate large spends when we were short of cash because he took a large pay cut -another thread entirely-. He now has a better paid job again and we are doing ok financially. I thought this was it though and all the debt was just this one manageable monthly payment. We had a very frank conversation months ago after the last lot of credit card debt was discovered. We discussed remortgaging later in the year and take some equity out of the house to get rid of it. However I have since found out he has 2 credit cards each with 1K+ on (he told me he only had about £300 on 1, and last month he took out an 8.5k loan!!! He has at least paid off the credit cards as the payment on the loan is much less than the credit cards, but I don't know how he was planning on explaining the extra 6k. He has also booked us a holiday for next year which he doesn't know I've seen the paperwork for. That still leaves 4k. I also don't know how he was planning on explaining the loan when we came to remortgage.

I first got suspicious because he started spending money on clothes, not expensive really but I know he wouldn't have much spare cash. He also gave me his card details to pay for something for the wedding which he said was his credit card (that we would pay off with the money we were waiting for) but they were in fact is debit card details, this was £500 and I know he definitely wouldn't have that much spare.

Our wedding is costing under 3k and we have had money gifted to help with this anyway so no financial pressure there. There's less than 1K left to pay.

I have confronted him about it last night and he has done his usual deny deny deny. I haven't shown my hand yet on how I know 100% (bank statement) but I've told him something has shown up on my credit report as he is a linked associate. Still deny deny deny. He's stated he was 'just looking' and applied for one but cancelled it before he received any money as the rate was different after he'd gone through the application.

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and this morning has been frosty. He's gone out for a bit and I've sent him a long text basically saying I'm not angry about the actual loan, I'm angry about the denial. That he must thing I'm a right mug, I'm insulted he things I'm so dumb. I said I'm not prepared to enter a marriage based on lies and he's basically text back saying, we'll make sure you do it today and text everyone to let them know. So he's calling my bluff.

Still complete and utter denial 🤷‍♀️ like, HE is the dumb one isn't he?? What do I do? I really don't want to end things, I love him very much and things are good in every other aspect. But I just don't get why he takes me for such a mug when it comes to money/hidden debt.

(Also large debt can seriously effect my job...I've applied for a new job internally and will have to go through more strict vetting if I get it, and large debt can apparently leave you open to bribes so I would probably fail it )

Sorry for the extremely long post.

He’s putting you into serious debt and you have no idea who he truly is or what he’s hiding. You don’t really know this man do you? What is he spending all of this money on? This happened to my Aunt. My uncle was exactly the same as your partner. He couldn’t control his spending. One day some very unsavoury people turned up at her door. She ended up a very broken woman and died early from the stress of it all. He killed himself and their daughter has been in and out of hospital with mental heath issues. That could end up being YOUR life.

Yes the lying is the worst part for me. Yes the debt is shit but it can be sorted for now. But I know one day it might not be so easy to deal with.

I have a relative that I would inherit significantly from should the worst happen and it breaks my heart to think I would have to spend it on paying off his debts.

The thing for me is that if he can lie to you for weeks/months on end and spend this money, behind your back, what else can he lie about, in years to come?
The trust would be completely gone for me.

You need to cancel. He'll just keep doing it as he gets bailed out every time. You really can't risk him fucking up your job and financial future. If things go on then the debt will snowball as he clearly expects you to sort it out every time he gets in the shit

He might be the love of your life but your not the love of his.If you were he wouldn’t keep putting you in this position.Cut your losses and get out now while you still have your own finances

I agree with all of this. He is repeatedly lying to you-you can’t marry someone who treats you with so little respect.

If you don’t cancel the wedding-absolutely nothing will ever change.

And his reaction today to your text message says a lot.
He’s not telling you he loves and begging you not to cancel the wedding.

*I have a relative that I would inherit significantly from should the worst happen and it breaks my heart to think I would have to spend it on paying off his debts.

Prepare for him to not want to let that go.

I do know him well enough to know it's definitely not gambling or anything unsavoury.

Well I mean I am angry about the loan aweed but I am more angry about the lies/denial.

Yes it is very stressful Grumpy I am always thinking about money. And what we can afford to spend on what, I even have a spreadsheet of our expenses, however this is obviously not a true reflection due to his debts.

I used to be very bad with money in my late teens early 20s and had to be bailed out by my DM who was furious. Since the last time that happened I have been very careful. She would have a heart attack if she knew about all of this.

Debt is potentially life-wrecking. You are right - he is MINIMISING his behaviour, like it doesn't matter and everybody does it. He has got into a pattern of behaviour and is refusing to take responsibility for his actions.

If I were you, I would firstly untangle all my finances. No joint accounts, no joint loans, no joint and several liabilities. If he defaults, you will end up carrying all his debt.

If he cannot take responsibility for his own reckless behaviour, how can you possibly believe you are entering into a healthy marriage with someone you can rely on? Marriage is hard enough without taking on a man-baby who doesn't understand basic mathematical facts?

Tell him the wedding is off. Your future security is your responsibility. Don't let him wreck it.

I could have almost written this post. My other half had some debts when we got together. Blamed them on single life and not being able to keep up with the boys. I helped him out and cleared them all for him before we got a mortgage together. We’ve been married 13 years and we have a joint account for bills, mortgage came out of his own account and then he paid remainder into joint account. He has always been secretive over his credit card statements and foolishly I never thought anything about it. Things came to a head a few months back when I opened some post and found out he had another credit card I knew nothing about. I confronted him and he divulged he did have more debt than I knew about. I gave him a month to collect all statements and show me his exact debt. He was being very cagey and not willing to be upfront so I used a credit app, signed in under his name and accessed his credit score. Turned out he had £28k in debt I knew nothing of. Asked him to leave because the debts were so horrific. I don’t think he ever thought I would do it as I’d been so soft years before. I actually went to his parents, told them what I had found and told them I was no longer having him live under the same roof as me and the children. He said the debts had mounted up over the years and he had just paying debt with debt. I felt like I’d been kicked in the teeth. As far as I was concerned he had therefore betrayed me for years. The lies and deceit are just horrendous. His parents bailed him out, giving him £20k to pay off the debt. He is back living with us at the moment as kids had a total meltdown when I told them I had asked him to leave. The only way we are dealing with it now is that he has given me access to his bank account and has given me all his credit cards to destroy. He is under no illusion, if he lies again he is straight out, no questions asked. I will be more than happy to be single if needs be. I had pressure from both sets of parents to make it work for sake of kids. I’m taking each day as it comes. It’s a difficult call op, good luck xx

I think you'd be foolish to marry him; his debts will become yours.

Call off the wedding and rethink the relationship.

It's the effect of the lies isn't it? Knowing that if you ask him a question he can look you straight in the eyes and lie to you makes you doubt everything they ever say to you. How can you know whether anything they say is the truth? That would be enough for me to cancel and that's before we even start on the insecurity being with someone financially untrustworthy causes.

He's had plenty of chances to learn from his mistakes and realise that he has a problem with money/debt and he's done nothing to change things despite the problems he's caused. I think you would be foolish not to reconsider tying yourself to him legally tbh, doesn't seem to be much in it for you apart from a lifetime of financial insecurity and horrible discoveries of the latest mess he's got into. Sorry OP

I know Lizzie but he is always like this after an argument. He doesn't like being caught out so his initial knee jerk reaction is always very defensive, calling my bluff etc but once he's had chance to calm down and think about it all, he does change his tune.

Run

Atm they are his debts. The second you marry they are your joint debts. If his debts take him under they will take you too. Its horrific watching your and your kids future disappear to debts you have no idea how he has sustained

He’s dragging you and your DC down into this mess with his lies and deceit. He clearly has a problem. Do not marry him and get further entangled. Tbh I think you need to cut your losses and move on. If he can lie to you about this what else can he lie about?

It's not the money it's the trust.

Why would you marry someone that you can't trust?

What the hell is he spending all the money on?.

Frightenedbunny how awful you have been through all of that. Thank you for sharing. It's so hard when there's kids involved isn't it and you feel the pressure to keep your family together for their sake.

Thank you everyone for your comments, I know you are all right and I need to end things. I just hate the feeling of being a failure, I have a view everything is fixable until it isn't; and now this situation just isn't

Are you sure he's not surprising you with a honeymoon? He sounds like he needs to learn money management but I wouldn't call off the wedding until you have a conversation about what needs to change and full disclosure on spending

I do know him well enough to know it's definitely not gambling or anything unsavoury. That's what my SIL said before finding out what her DH was spending all his money on (something VERY unsavoury)

If you know him this well, how do you not know what he IS spending it on then?

Either way, you cannot possibly marry him. Your inheritance will become a marital asset, and his debt will become a joint obligation. Added to that, he is an accomplished liar, selfish and deceitful. Not exactly qualities anyone wishes for in a husband.

Please don't see yourself as a failure - you appear to have conducted yourself honestly and given him plenty of chances. I seriously doubt he is able to change.

I would take him at his word and tell people today that the wedding is off.

I don't know funky, This time I know of the holiday, the 2 credit cards, and he's put spending money aside for his stag do.

Previously, I genuinely don't know, we have literally nothing to show for the 20k loan. Some of it was meant to pay to redo both our bathrooms but that never happens as our money whittled down to nothing.

It's an awful way to live - my XH was the same - when we got divorced I found he had accrued £30k of debt from loans, credit cards etc etc. Luckily most of it was in his name, but a couple I'd counter signed and am still paying off. He was gambling - and of course lying about it - online gambling mostly (although I found some betting slips when I was packing up his stuff.
I'd be suspicious about the new clothes too (mine was also having affairs - what a catch eh ? ! ).

But definitely do not tie yourself financially to this man. If you want to stay with him, find someway of totally separating your finances so you aren't liable for anything (definitely don't get married) and make it a condition of staying together that he gets proper debt advice, comes clean about where all the money is going, (and gambling help if that is the cause) and that he follows a strict budget so he can gradually pay off the debts - might mean he has to write down everything he spends and be totally open with you, so you have access to his bank statements, receipts, credit card statements etc.

It sounds controlling but he has shown he is out of control, if he wants to stay in relationship he needs to step up and stop lying.

I would take this very seriously indeed and couldn't agree to marry anyone who was so deceptive and then dismissive.

People do get into debt for silly reasons, but having got it under control to secretly do the same over is a massive deal breaker in my eyes.What can he be spending this money on?

Lying to you and minimising are bad enough, but when you mention delaying or cancelling your wedding, the only acceptable answer should have been I love you, we'll sort this out once and for all.

I wouldn't marry someone who was less than 100% committed to marrying me.

I don’t have any advice, but this is a really sad situation.

I am amazed he doesn’t want to get help if not for himself for you and his child

Please don't feel a failure. You are showing massive strength to confront all of this, rather than just sweeping it under the carpet. As someone who has been through this and come out the other side, I just asked myself if I could spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder because of not trusting him because of the lies, and I had my answer. You are absolutely right to recognise it's not so much the debt, but the lies. It's the death-knell of a happy relationship and ever having any peace of mind. You will have a good life afterwards once you get over it. That might sound trite, but I'm sure it will be the case!