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Original poster

Help...I’m on my hen do and In tears

140 replies

Lacey2019 · 25/05/2019 07:27

Hello all,

I have been on these forums before as I was unhappy in my relationship as my gut feeling just told me it wasn’t right. We broke up and then got back together but in my head In the lead up to the hen, I’ve known this isn’t what I want anymore. I’ve been up since 6am just feeling sick and have 2 more days away with everyone. I get married 3 months today & I genuinely feel unwell at the prospect.

Please can people advise me :(. I can’t just go home on Monday and leave as that’s a terrible thing after such a well planned hen do & I worry about losing my friends. I have accepted that I’ll lose his family regardless.

I’m so lost & heartbroken

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 25/05/2019 07:29

You need to do the right thing for you and leave him. This is supposed to be a happy time op and you sound miserable. Don't marry him because its the easiest choice

SinkGirl · 25/05/2019 07:31

Talk to your friends - they won’t want you to get married just because you’ve had a hen do! Let them support you

KTara · 25/05/2019 07:32

your friends planned your hen do because they wish you well. Those who are genuine friends would want you to be happy not go through with a marriage you do not want.

Divorce is not fun and it is not necessarily easy. If you have any doubts at all about the marriage, do not do it. When I was having doubts about my own wedding, I remember reading an article that said if you call it off, in a year it will just be a memory and your life will have moved on. Believe me, still stuck in trying to divorce even though we live separately now for years, I wish I had heeded this advice.

Tell one of your closest friends how you feel. The person you need to be true to is yourself.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/05/2019 07:32

How would you do if a friend told you this on her hen?
I’m sure you’d be supportive- do you have one particularly close friend you can confide in?
Either way do not marry this man, it will be worse in every way to do this after the wedding.

Qweenbee · 25/05/2019 07:34

Don't do it if your heart isn't in it. The earlier you can do cancel it the better.

Popskipiekin · 25/05/2019 07:36

A close friend was miserable on her hen do. 2 days later the wedding was cancelled, and it was about 6 weeks from the date. We were all heartily relieved for her and rallied round. Your friends will do the same. Confide in someone and take the right step for your future. Good luck. I know it feels impossibly hard but you can’t get married feeling as you do. Everyone will be supportive and proud of how strong you have been to take such a difficult decision.
I am separately so sorry about the loss you will face of severing a close connection with his family - that is very sad, but other friends/connections will fill the void in time.

maslinpan · 25/05/2019 07:37

Hopefully you are surrounded by your best and most loyal friends at the moment. Confide in the one who you are sure won't judge you first, and you might be surprised how relieved you feel.

Singlenotsingle · 25/05/2019 07:38

It's not fair on your dp to go ahead and marry him if your heart's not in it. Either you break up now or later.

WifOfBif · 25/05/2019 07:39

You won’t regret calling it off.

It sounds like you will regret marrying him.

Rarfy · 25/05/2019 07:39

I would do exactly what you're afraid of. I have seen people do the same, even under worse circumstances and eventually everything worked out OK.

The longer this goes on the worse I would imagine. Is there a good friend there you can confide in?

LuckyLou7 · 25/05/2019 07:39

Confide in your friends today. Treat the rest of the hen do as a girlie holiday. If they love you, they will support you and metaphorically hold your hand as you end your relationship. You seriously can't get married. You have plenty of time to cancel the wedding.

Ilovemylabrador · 25/05/2019 07:39

Tell your friends and tell him over the phone - get them to support you this is not ‘cold feet’

Queenoftheashes · 25/05/2019 07:41

I agree tell your closest friends how you feel and they will support you. The hen do doesn’t matter as much as the rest of your life. I know someone whose dad asked her if she was sure about getting married in the car on the way there but she said she was because she didn’t want to cause a fuss. Ended shortly thereafter in divorce...

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/05/2019 07:46

Calling this wedding off is likely to be the hardest thing you’ve had to do in your life to date but it will be the most “right” thing you can do for yourself, DP, your families and friends.

I didn’t and spent three years giving emotional CPR to a relationship I knew had flatlined a month after we married, it was soul destroying.

After leaving him, I felt so free of the daily upset of living a lie and screwing my health both mental and physical to “not fail”.

Four and a half years later I have an utterly amazing DH and three children. Life is rewarding. However I wish I’d not left it until 34 to start this life, and called off my wedding and relationship when I should have, when I was 28.

Forget the money spent to date
Forget letting down auntie Sue who’s booked flights from Canada
Forget upsetting your parents
You’ll be amazed at how many folk will applaud the balls to take control of your life when you know it needs to change.

Your life - and his - are worth more than shuffling along knowing it’s not right.

Good luck OP.

Chamomileteaplease · 25/05/2019 07:48

What sort of friends are they if you will lose them by not marrying someone? Are they not your real friends?

If there are some of his family with you it might be best to ride it out until you get home though! But do call off the wedding when you get back. Why on earth wouldn't you??

Fraxion · 25/05/2019 07:48

Good advice, from everyone on this thread. Do not be pressured into getting married by your husband to be, family etc telling you it's cold feet. That happened to my friend and it was the most miserable day of her life. They went straight on honeymoon after the wedding and it was literally hell, for both of them. They separated when they got back and he was heartbroken. It was awful. The sooner you tell your fiancé the better.

ptumbi · 25/05/2019 07:49

Why will you lose your friends? Because you think that as you've had a Hen, with potential bridesmaids and MoH, that you are now beholden to them to give them a wedding? don't you think that's a bit daft?

Tell your friends, think of the weekend as a Girly weekend away (not a Hen) and enjoy your time with your friends.

Then when you get back, call the while relationship off.

NabooThatsWho · 25/05/2019 07:52

You will never regret calling the wedding off.
Please speak to your closest friends that are there, they will support you.

10000thusername · 25/05/2019 07:53

My friend felt like this twice and didn't tell anyone. She's now 33 with 2 divorces under her belt

londonrach · 25/05/2019 07:54

Op. you with friends who care about you. Tell them. They will support you. Call it off. Xxx

MerdedeBrexit · 25/05/2019 07:57

You've been given good advice from everyone here, I just wanted to sympathize and wish you well. Tell your friends now, please, have the hen do as a long week-end away with friends and ask their advice as to what to do now - should you call your fiancé immediately, today, and they can support you through the fall-out, or should you wait till you get back and tell him face-to-face? I think if I were you, I'd tell him as soon as possible, as if you tell any of your friends or family what you are planning to do, with the best will in the world, it may get back to him before you have a chance to talk to him face-to-face, and you don't want that to happen to a man you presumably loved once upon a time.
This will be difficult, of course, but no more difficult than starting divorce proceedings shortly after your wedding. I'm sure some of your family and friends will rally round to help you deal with it all. You've got three months, but honestly, even if you were getting married today, I'd tell you not to go ahead, the way you're feeling!
Good luck, do let us know how you get on.

Italia2005 · 25/05/2019 08:00

You know you’ve got to cancel the wedding - this isn’t normal last minute nerves. Confide in one of the hens and get her to help you tell the others.
If there are some there from your fiance’s side you’ll have to tell your fiancé first as they can’t have that burden put on them - perhaps tell him you just aren’t ready and need time to think and you’ll see him when you get back
Then use this weekend with your besties to sort through your feelings and decide the best way to cancel everything and how to let your fiancé down (if he deserves that level of consideration) and how to tell your parents etc.
Be brave and true to yourself and true to the person you were going to marry, if it was the other way round you’d want to know he felt that way.
I wish you Good luck! And no regrets.

Limpshade · 25/05/2019 08:01

Your friends will understand.

I wish my friend had confided in me or at least one of us on her hen do. As it was, she went through with the wedding feeling the weight of her friends' and family's expectations and not wanting to let anyone down. Divorce proceedings began six months after the wedding day and she'll freely admit that it was the biggest mistake of her life. A few years on and she's still extricating herself from the legalities of their marriage.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 25/05/2019 08:06

Now is the perfect time to tell your friends. They will rally round and give you the moral support you need to see cancelling the wedding through

Morgan12 · 25/05/2019 08:10

Oh OP come on now. This has been going on way too long! I commented on your other threads.

I honestly can't believe you have let this progress to actually going on your hen. You knew you wanted to cancel and have now allowed your friends to spend their time and money on this weekend! That's selfish imo.

Honestly at this stage I expect a thread in 6 months time about your divorce.

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