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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help...I’m on my hen do and In tears

140 replies

Lacey2019 · 25/05/2019 07:27

Hello all,

I have been on these forums before as I was unhappy in my relationship as my gut feeling just told me it wasn’t right. We broke up and then got back together but in my head In the lead up to the hen, I’ve known this isn’t what I want anymore. I’ve been up since 6am just feeling sick and have 2 more days away with everyone. I get married 3 months today & I genuinely feel unwell at the prospect.

Please can people advise me :(. I can’t just go home on Monday and leave as that’s a terrible thing after such a well planned hen do & I worry about losing my friends. I have accepted that I’ll lose his family regardless.

I’m so lost & heartbroken

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 25/05/2019 08:46

Do you have a close friend you can talk to? If you do, then you need to tell them how you are feeling today.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/05/2019 08:47

Speak to the girls first.

No.
His family members and possibly friends' partners are there; people can't hold anything. Even 'nice' people.

He shouldn't be hearing he's definitely not getting married and being dumped by text/call/message from someone other than his fiancée. It will make her look bad

CherryPavlova · 25/05/2019 08:49

I think far from thinking about others you are only thinking about yourself here. You are concerned about what people will think of you above all else. You are worried about the impact on you.
That is incredibly dishonest, cowardly and selfish. Harsh but true.

You need to start putting others first. Particularly the person you are pretending that you intend to marry. Arrange some time alone and tell him the truth.You surely owe him that?

MrHaroldFry · 25/05/2019 08:50

You don't owe anyone but your fiancé and explanation. You cannot, not for anyone else, marry if you are not comfortable about the prospect of spending you life with a person.

Try to speak to your friends today. They will listen and will understand. If a dinner is planned for later, fake a sickness if you can't face everyone.

When you get back tomorrow, arrange s sit down with your fiancé ASAP. But first, get your ducks in a row regarding any split of assets etc and figure out your living situation, It is better to 'rip off the band aid' and just tell him you won't be marrying. You then will need to spend most of Monday calling suppliers, church, florists with guests travelling from a distance getting first calls followed by those more local. Be prepared for the loss of dome deposits but that is infinitely better than a lifetime of unhappiness.

It won't be easy but will be better in the long run if your heart is not in this!

Dieu · 25/05/2019 08:56

I think it would be really shit to tell the hens before the groom-to-be.
Put a face on it and make the best of the final couple of days - as presumably people have paid to be there - and then call it off as soon as you get back.

PeoniesarePink · 25/05/2019 08:58

Your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it.

Flowers
Weatherwindow · 25/05/2019 09:04

OP I was in exactly your shoes. In fact I’d called the wedding off once before but he managed to talk me around and the second time of planning I stupidly went through with it. The months leading up to the wedding were the most miserable of my life. I wasn’t particularly close to my parents and had no separate friends that weren’t part of our friend group to confide in.
6 months later we had split. It took nearly two years to divorce and sort everything out. I now am happily married and have two children, I just wish I’d had the guts back then to call it all off beforehand.
Do you have one particular close friend you can confide in on this break? One you know will keep it between just the two of you. I think you’ll find it will help and be a weight off your shoulders. Good luck, you will feel a different person once this is all over - I did and I’ve never looked back.

IggyAce · 25/05/2019 09:05

Stop worrying about everyone else and start listening to your gut. If anyone of your friends is upset with you then they weren’t a real friend anyway.
Call him this morning and tell him it’s off and then let the others know. Stop this now before you or anyone else loses anymore money.

magicBrenda · 25/05/2019 09:06

Keep your shit together for the rest of the hen and don’t tell anyone incase incase news reaches your partner before you get chance to even get home!

When you get home tell him as soon as possible. There is never gonna be a good time

SunshineCake · 25/05/2019 09:08

What if you felt you could postpone? Would that feel more bearable? Then just don't rebook.

Be brave. Be your own best friend. Cancel the wedding. Leave the man.

Take care.

Orangepear · 25/05/2019 09:09

It's much harder to get divorced than to get married! And very expensive and stressful. Please don't do it!

Bouledeneige · 25/05/2019 09:12

You need to grow some balls and put an end to it. Its not going to work if you are unhappy now. You will only make things worse if you carry on - and it will be much worse extricating yourself from a marriage.

And its not fair to him. He could and should have someone who loves him wholeheartedly on his wedding day. So have some compassion too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2019 09:18

"Thank you. I feel like such a failure and I know my family will be annoyed as well as the girls who have planned it"

You are not a failure here but you will fail your own self if you go ahead and marry this person because you know deep down he is not the right person.

Do not put yourself through a short marriage and drawn out divorce in short order merely because of people supposedly being annoyed. That is stupid. Any decent people will not be annoyed at all and would be supportive of your decision not to marry.

Tell your fiancé first then start telling your fellow hens.

redspider1 · 25/05/2019 09:22

How will going through with it help? Of course your friends will understand. Even without a wedding , it's a break away with friends. Listen to your gut or repent at your leisure.

Lovemusic33 · 25/05/2019 09:25

Talk to your friends. If I was your friend I would give you a big hug and tell you not to go through with it, I wouldn’t care about the fact I was on your hen do or how much it had cost. Just tell them, they will support you.

user50000a · 25/05/2019 09:37

OP this happened to my friend. you don't need to say anything now while on the hen do, or you could tell a close friend if that helps.

she was terrified of cancelling and there was a lot of tears etc but three days after doing it she just felt relief. and I can say now, 3 months later, she's very happy.

im not sure if I would tell people on the hen do if your future PIL or other half's family are there. I don't think I would say anything. But then again, your friends are your friends for a reason and should be nothing but supportive if you tell them.

if it was me I would say I felt unwell and then try and get through the next two days. it is up to you though whether you say anything and either way this will be ok I promise! you wont lose any friends, they will simply want you to be ok xxxx

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/05/2019 09:38

I went through with a wedding I knew I shouldnt be going ahead with becuase of other people. Biggest regret of my life.

Please please call it off. True friends will be there for you, and those that arent can safely be written off.

notenoughbottletonight · 25/05/2019 09:40

Totally agree with what other PP's have said. Don't do it. You will regret it literally straight away. I wish I had the strength to not have gone through with my wedding 11 years ago.

doggydoodoo1 · 25/05/2019 09:44

On the morning of my wedding, my Step-Dad said to me "It's not to late to change your mind and not get married. No-one will think any less of you. " I really, really wish I hadn't gone through with it. You have time to cancel it, don't make my mistake.

Whoops75 · 25/05/2019 09:48

Tell one person today.

Pick someone who is calm, focused, organized and kind. Let them help you come up with a plan.

Just one person x

wonderwhat · 25/05/2019 09:55

If you fear losing your friends then they can’t be real friends. You haven’t hurt them. You haven’t stolen from them...why wouldn’t they be your friend because you have decided you can’t marry a man that YOU don’t love. That decision doesn’t impact them and doesn’t hurt them. Their life will carry on. You have to decide what is best for YOUR life. Think of each one of those friends. Put them in your shoes. Would they not call off a wedding just because they feared that you wouldn’t be their friend anymore??!! Of course not. It’s a silly way of thinking and I’m guessing that your way of thinking about these sorts of things is maybe why you’ve got yourself in this situation in the first place? You are too over worried about hurting other people. It’s a good quality but not when that sensitivity runs rampant and out of control which yours is. Gather your friends together today. Tell them that you have changed your mind. It’s been a tough decision but being on the hen has made you realise you don’t want to get married. Thank them for their friendship and support and tell them you want to go home. Your true friends will then rally. Bad friends will take it personally.

DarkDarkNight · 25/05/2019 09:59

tell him over the phone

That is ice cold advice. I haven’t read your other threads but don’t do this! Unless he is a monumental knob no one deserves to have their wedding called off and relationship ended over the phone.

IKnowYouAndYouCannotSing · 25/05/2019 09:59

I cancelled my wedding 10 weeks before, the week my hen was due to be. I knew I didn’t want it and the looming hen made me wake up. I did lose his family- obviously, and sadly, but inevitably- but I didn’t lose mine or a single friend. Actually a lot of them told me I was incredibly brave.

It’s been 10+yrs now and I’m married to someone I love dearly and have beautiful kids and a great life. Not going to lie, jilting my former fiancé was a shitshow and there were six months that were a mess what with pulling out of the wedding and selling the house etc but I’ve never once regretted it.

Good luck.

Waterfallz · 25/05/2019 10:02

You have your closest friend with you for a whole weekend. Tell them now!

sar302 · 25/05/2019 10:02

I do agree you need to break up with him. I don't agree that you should be telling the people you are away with first - especially if members of his family are there with you. If one or two people know, it's very likely to spread in close quarters, even unintentionally. Can you imagine the news filtering back to your fiancée that you're cancelling the wedding, from his sister or aunt or whatever?

Unless he's an arsehole, he should be the first to know that you're breaking up with him! So I think you need to hold your tongue for now, and then have the conversation when you get back.

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