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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help...I’m on my hen do and In tears

140 replies

Lacey2019 · 25/05/2019 07:27

Hello all,

I have been on these forums before as I was unhappy in my relationship as my gut feeling just told me it wasn’t right. We broke up and then got back together but in my head In the lead up to the hen, I’ve known this isn’t what I want anymore. I’ve been up since 6am just feeling sick and have 2 more days away with everyone. I get married 3 months today & I genuinely feel unwell at the prospect.

Please can people advise me :(. I can’t just go home on Monday and leave as that’s a terrible thing after such a well planned hen do & I worry about losing my friends. I have accepted that I’ll lose his family regardless.

I’m so lost & heartbroken

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/05/2019 14:22

I can imagine. Get that level-headed friend and tell them how you genuinely feel. They'll help you and you won't feel so alone and lost any more.

End it now and you'll save yourself a whole heap of pain and misery. Only marry the person that makes you feel as if there is no other person in the whole world that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

To find that out before the marriage is an absolute GIFT, I promise you. If this is cold feet then a good friend won't talk you out of the wedding but if it's not right for you, then they will hopefully give you the courage to end it.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 26/05/2019 21:59

Thank you everyone again

OP posts:
IHeartArya · 26/05/2019 22:16

Your wedding day is meant to be the happiest day of your life. Yours won’t be. Please call it off. But do it now. It’s so unkind to carry it on. I’m sure your dp knows (Deep down) that you are unhappy.

Twinkle Flowers

NannyRed · 27/05/2019 06:11

A called off wedding is so much easier than a divorce.

You know what the right thing involves. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but life will be better with the right people in it for you. How can you find the right people if your with the wrong people (man)

Please don’t marry him out of pity or a misguided sense of loyalty, you’ll not be doing anyone any favours. Sit and talk it over with him first, don’t let him hear it from someone else. [fliwers] Wine and hugs to you.

ImogenTubbs · 27/05/2019 08:20

If a friend of mine did this, I wouldn't feel she had let me down. I would want to support her through a difficult time. Do what is right for you OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

JoyceDivision · 27/05/2019 08:25

Gosh,even on our friensd's wedding mirni g we were asking her if she really wanted to go ahead with it!

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 27/05/2019 10:52

Thank you again.

The pressure is immense as it’s everyone else wanting the day. But they aren’t me living the relationship sadly. I feel like I’ve let everyone down

OP posts:
QueenintheNorth7 · 27/05/2019 11:10

Hope you are ok x you are not letting anyone down. You can’t help how you feel and if you aren’t in love with him you can’t marry him. It will be hard but you have to tell your fiancé as soon as possible. You both deserve to be happy x

ImogenTubbs · 27/05/2019 11:33

They want the day because they think they are supporting you in what you want. When they learn it's not what you want, unless they are complete shits, they will still want to support you.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 27/05/2019 13:09

I just feel like a failure. All weekend, which is expected all I have heard is we can’t wait until the wedding. They all have a hen and bridesmaid chat and I can’t even make myself happy. I’ve tried so hard Incase it was just cold feet, but I’m not eating, sleeping and just want to cry. My sister bought me some bride pjs and I just cried putting them on

OP posts:
overdrive · 27/05/2019 15:39

So what are you going to do, OP? When do get home?

BumandChips · 27/05/2019 15:48

Stop worrying about letting everyone down. Are they living your life? No.

Don’t you think your friends and family would just want you to be happy? Can you imagine if you said you went through with it because you didn’t want to let them down? They’d tell you you were being ridiculous, and why didn’t you say anything!!

None of them are living your life, only you are and you only get one go of it so you need to do whatever makes you happy.

They already know, I bet.

Annasgirl · 27/05/2019 16:02

Lacey2019 as soon as you get home tell your fiancé and cancel the wedding.

My friend cancelled her wedding 2 weeks before it was due to go ahead over 25 years ago and she said she never regretted it. Honestly, it will be better for him too - no one should be married to someone they don't want to be married to.

Drum2018 · 27/05/2019 16:09

Don't go through with it. Had a friend cancel hers just over 3 months beforehand. He moved on quite quickly and got married to someone else, so no loss there. She packed and left while he was at work. He seemed a lovely guy but just wasn't for her. When you tell your fiancé, hard and all as that will be, no doubt he will be upset but life goes on. As for friends, family, neighbour's who may have hoped for an invitation, sod them - their desire for a day out does not trump your feelings.

Lunde · 27/05/2019 16:19

OP I don't think that this is going to be as big a surprise as you think . they have already noticed that something is not right.

Don't get married just to please other people.

Actionhasmagic · 27/05/2019 16:33

My friend was in this situation three years ago. She had a breakdown on her hen do. But she married the guy. Now she is in an unhappy marriage and feels trapped. We all knew she was unhappy and offered support if she decided to leave but she went ahead. She regrets marrying the man. It’s hard but find the strength and your friends will rally round you xxx

RedPink · 27/05/2019 17:08

.

BumandChips · 27/05/2019 17:28

If you marry him to save face you’ll be stuck in an unhappy marriage which will be even more difficult to get out of. Especially if you have children.

Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2019 17:32

My friend did this. But she got married. It lasted 3 months and it’s been a shitshow from beginning to end.

The only thing I wish is she’d told someone about her doubts and cancelled the fucking wedding.

It’s not easy but it’s so much better to do it now.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 04/06/2019 10:43

Hello,

I just wanted to say a huge thank you. He spoke to me yesterday and said he knew I was distant and that I needed to be happy. We then agreed to call it a day...before he started shouting in my face that I was a selfish cow. He then cried all night whilst sat in the bathroom. I feel like the worst person in this world right now

OP posts:
cstaff · 04/06/2019 10:51

Ah OP that is so sad but it is also the right thing to do. Imagine if you had gone ahead with it. You would all be miserable and for how long. At least this way there is a chance that you and your partner can get over this.

OnlineAlienator · 04/06/2019 10:52

Why would you want a friend who would doom you to a life of misery or else not speak to you at all?

Leave, OP.

OnlineAlienator · 04/06/2019 10:53

RTFT fail Blush wd OP

Musti · 04/06/2019 11:08

Well done Lacey that was brave and the right thing to do. For him too. Noone wants to be with someone who doesn't want them even if it hurts at the time. He will be free to meet someone who does, as will you.

PicsInRed · 04/06/2019 11:11

If he's shouting in your face now, imagine what he'd be like after you got pregnant and were "stuck". This is your Great Escape. Don't, for the life of you, backtrack. Move out, keep walking.