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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help...I’m on my hen do and In tears

140 replies

Lacey2019 · 25/05/2019 07:27

Hello all,

I have been on these forums before as I was unhappy in my relationship as my gut feeling just told me it wasn’t right. We broke up and then got back together but in my head In the lead up to the hen, I’ve known this isn’t what I want anymore. I’ve been up since 6am just feeling sick and have 2 more days away with everyone. I get married 3 months today & I genuinely feel unwell at the prospect.

Please can people advise me :(. I can’t just go home on Monday and leave as that’s a terrible thing after such a well planned hen do & I worry about losing my friends. I have accepted that I’ll lose his family regardless.

I’m so lost & heartbroken

OP posts:
Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 25/05/2019 08:11

If these people are your friends and they love you, then they will never not understand or support you.
Nobody else can make you feel what your heart and head doesn’t. They aren’t marrying someone they don’t want to. Only you can stop this, and it is not just the right thing to do it’s the only thing.

It will not just be your life you are ruining if you go ahead.

Please confide in one or all of your friends this morning. You only get one life and far better to end things now. You can do this with kindness and be able to walk away with your head held high this way.

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but there are far worse things in life. Including an unnecessary, damaging and painful divorce.

Good luck.

Thatnameistaken · 25/05/2019 08:11

If you have any doubts, now is the time to get out. If you're with good friends they will support you through this, tell them as soon as you feel able.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 25/05/2019 08:11

Sometimes you have to be brave and do things that make you uncomfortable - this isn't your first thread wanting to cancel the wedding.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 25/05/2019 08:15

Thank you everyone. I’m stupid as I’ve tried and tried and even last week we broke up for me to say sorry as I was worried about this weekend. People have spent a lot of money & I want to try and reimburse them in some way for their time. I feel so horrific that I come back from a hen & call it a day...but this isn’t what I want :(

OP posts:
PinaColadaPlease · 25/05/2019 08:18

Are his family on the hen do with you? If not then tell the people you are away with this morning.

Friends will understand and possibly, depending on the issues, be relieved

RJnomore1 · 25/05/2019 08:21

Reimburse them by being honest and not putting them through the hassle and expense of a wedding you know is doomed to fail.

They will be supportive. This is your best time to deal with it, surrounded by people who care about you.

GreenTulips · 25/05/2019 08:23

They will already know you’re unhappy. It won’t come as a shock or surprise!! They are waiting for you to realise it’s a mistake!

MaudebeGonne · 25/05/2019 08:24

I have seen the other side of this, my BiL git married, and his missus wasn’t sure. They separated a few months later and eventually divorced. It absolutely broke my BIL. He was so humiliated that he had gone through this public declaration of love and commitment only to realise it was totally one sided.

If you have any feelings of warmth or compassion for your partner, please spare him that. End things now. It will be hard, of course it will, but it would be cruel to let things go any further.

Whyohwhydo · 25/05/2019 08:24

Don’t do it.

I did and came to the realisation i’m living a lie . Not Even married a year. Asked for a divorce yesterday .

I think it’s easy to get carried away With what one should do -I know i did. I tried to do the right thing for my family . Unfortunately doesn’t Work.

Sending hugs x

boatyardblues · 25/05/2019 08:26

One of my close childhood friends called off her wedding and split up with her fiance a month before the wedding. I was really proud of her and still think she’s one of the bravest people I know (if you knew her Mum, you would too). She knew it was doomed and couldn’t go through with it. Even if you have to reimburse your hens and cover some of the wedding costs, it will be still be cheaper and less messy than a divorce.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 25/05/2019 08:27

Yes his family are here too. I am so stupid by letting this carry on and putting everyone else’s feelings before my own :(. I thought I could make it work and I thought that I could make it work..but I can’t

OP posts:
juneau · 25/05/2019 08:27

Yes, people have spent money on your hen do, but FGS save them spending money on an outfit for your wedding, a night or two in a hotel, a wedding present, childcare, etc as well! You know you don't want to get married, so confide in your friends this weekend and then go home on Monday and end this relationship. There is only one thing worse than calling off a wedding and that's not calling it off when you know it's wrong. Everyone knows someone who called off their wedding (I know of at least four people who've done this - men and women). Do not get married if you don't want to! Be brave and do it NOW before you get any further into this process and your guests spend any more money.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/05/2019 08:29

If members of his family are there - or partners if his friends, you can't tell them before him because, people being people, they'll spread it back to him.

He deserves to be told first and in person (unless he's abusive).

Make the best if the rest of your hen do and then end the relationship and the everyone when you get back.

Don't worry about the cost, it's a holiday for them as well as your hen do.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/05/2019 08:30

*if

  • tell everyone
Original poster
Lacey2019 · 25/05/2019 08:32

Thank you. I feel like such a failure and I know my family will be annoyed as well as the girls who have planned it

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/05/2019 08:33

Annoyed perhaps but that will be eclipsed by concern for how unhappy you must be and their wish to make everything better.

PregnantSea · 25/05/2019 08:34

There is no rule that says you have to go through with the wedding just because you had a hen do? Your friends will understand. Don't marry the wrong person.

Chamomileteaplease · 25/05/2019 08:36

I think you have to put this guilt out of your mind. They are at least getting a holiday! Also, these things happen ! You can't really think that you should marry someone becuase you invited people on a hen do??

You seem to be catastrophising. Maybe because you are away from home too.

It is sad, it is an upset. But these people will get over it! I feel for you about probably losing his family if you love them. But I am afraid that is the price you pay.

I feel you need a good friend to talk to - someone who is realistic, kind and not dramatic.

Sagradafamiliar · 25/05/2019 08:39

Chamomile is right.

Mamacute · 25/05/2019 08:40

Speak to the girls first. Let them know exactly how you are feeling. They’ll support you, if they really are your friends but even if they don’t , you owe yourself a duty of love & care, to YOURSELF.
Everyone has said it. Don’t go through with it.

WanderingAimlessly · 25/05/2019 08:40

If the people there with you would rather see you trapped in an unhappy marriage then they are not friends. His family will understandably be upset and probably angry, but your friends, your true friends, will form a circle round you and protect you. You can’t ruin your life for other people. Is your best friend there with you? Go and tell her. Tell her everything. If she’s your best friend, she will love you whatever and help you. If she’s angry, she’s not worth having in your life. If you were my friend, I’d have your back, and I wouldn’t give a toss about the money (even though I’m skint!!)

cuppycakey · 25/05/2019 08:41

OP. Let me break this to you - most of us who attend a hen do see it as a holiday, a mini break, a night out, whatever.

The fact that it is a prelude to a wedding is largely irrelevant.

I would not feel remotely aggrieved/angry/cross to find out that the hen decided not to go ahead with the wedding, or think "WTF, after I went on her hen do!!" It wouldn't even enter my mind.

The fact his family are with you does complicate things. Is there a friend you can rely on 100% to confide in, just so you don't feel so isolated on the trip?

Try to see it as a holiday rather than related to the wedding, and then call it off when you get back.

Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter. Flowers

Moralitym1n1 · 25/05/2019 08:43

You're not a failure to realise you shouldn't marry someone; it's just one of those things. It happens, it'll be a big deal for a short while and then it'll fade and you and he will move on.

It's only a hen do - it's nice at a trip/party thing, I wouldn't mind organising it for my friend whatever happened. If she really didn't feel she should be marrying someone, if think it was for the best that she didnt. I'd think it's never going to work and there's going to be a divorce soon down the line.

If you don't want major flack/stress you can turn off your phone/social media etc and/or go away somewhere for a while after you tell people. That will give people s chance to absorb it and come to reasonable solutions, rather than knee jerk reactions (which they may or may not have depending on the people).

It sounds like it won't be a huge shock to your bf - you've already tried to end it.

whifflesqueak · 25/05/2019 08:44

People will be annoyed?

Op I am a barely half decent person and I can’t imagine being annoyed at someone I care about for making a mistake like this.

LaBarbera · 25/05/2019 08:46

OP, please don't beat yourself up for letting it go this far. As you can see from this thread, a lot of people (including me) go through with marrying someone out of a misplaced, but understandable sense of loyalty/fear/obligation/whatever else. Be kind to yourself.

But yes, do cancel now. I was sweaty and resentful all the way through the getting-married process, and the only reason I stuck it out for FIVE MORE YEARS (yeah, don't do that) was a combination of situational depression and doggedness. The longer it goes on, the more it hurts everyone when it comes apart. I wish I'd broken it off when I had the opportunity and freed up both myself and my ex to take another path. Listen to your instincts. Any fall-out from this will pass. And consider yourself hugged.