Help...I’m on my hen do and In tears

[Lacey2019]

Hello all,

I have been on these forums before as I was unhappy in my relationship as my gut feeling just told me it wasn’t right. We broke up and then got back together but in my head In the lead up to the hen, I’ve known this isn’t what I want anymore. I’ve been up since 6am just feeling sick and have 2 more days away with everyone. I get married 3 months today & I genuinely feel unwell at the prospect.

Please can people advise me :(. I can’t just go home on Monday and leave as that’s a terrible thing after such a well planned hen do & I worry about losing my friends. I have accepted that I’ll lose his family regardless.

I’m so lost & heartbroken

I'd confide in your best friend and call it off as soon as you get home. I ignored my doubts and got married, was 5 years of hell before I finally plucked up courage to leave.

Re it’s much harder to get divorced than call it off - not sure I agree with that. Both are hard situations, just different.

I am now old enough that I have seen three weddings called off at the last minute. In all cases it has been the best decision and after a very short period it becomes old news.

It is going to be painful in the short term but you will move on and so will everyone else.

On the morning of my wedding my stepdad asked me if I was sure I wanted to marry my dh. I said yes. He would have accepted a no if I’d said and even though he / my mother paid for most of my wedding. I don’t regret getting married btw.

My point is people, who love you will accept that you don’t want to get married. Anyone, who doesn’t accept your decision doesn’t love you in the way you need right now. So focus on those, who do.

The fact that you’re agonising over your decision proves you are a kind person. But don’t be fooled into thinking that this makes it ok to go through with the wedding. Getting married when you don’t want to isn’t just cruel to yourself, it’s also cruel to a lot of people - first and foremost your partner.

I had a quick look at your last threads. You were cancelling the wedding at the beginning of the month. What happened? Please don’t tell me you’re going ahead for the £4.5 k you’ll loose! That’s a sunken cost.

It’s so much harder to get divorced OP than call your wedding off.

Go find your best mate and tell her, chances are they might have already realised things aren’t great and were worried about you.

You’ve got all your best friends around you now so it’s the ideal opportunity.

Sack his family off for a few hours and go speak to your friends

I didn't know people had hen parties 3 months before getting married. But anyway, if you feel like this now, having given it a second go, call it a day. On the interests of both of you.

Don't get married feeling like this. Marriage is not about the Wedding Day and the guests, it's a bout building a life and a future with someone you completely love and trust. If that's not there, no amount of expensive venues and clothes will compensate.

Part of the point of a hen night is to have your closest friends around you to check you are OK in the run up to the wedding. they should be able to tell if it's wedding wobbles (normal) or a genuine misgiving, and help you make the right decision.

If you tell people now, they might have a chance to cancel hotels/travel/wedding presents etc.

This weekend put a brave face on and have a good time with family & friends. Talk to your closest friend and try to get as much ‘hen’ stuff dropped as she can.

You can’t tell everyone there because you should tell him, face to face, first.

But you have to end it when you get back.
This is YOUR life, you can’t marry him just because you’ve had a hen-do. You’ll also need to get on with cancelling everything & telling everyone. I know it sounds daunting, but you won’t regret it.

People will not be annoyed - if they're your friends they will understand that we all make mistakes. They would, however, be horrified to learn that you're considering going through with a wedding that you don't want, simply in order to not let them down. Swallow your pride and do what you need to do. FGS don't marry someone you don't want to, simply because you don't want to let people down who are planning your wedding. This happens all the time - honestly! No one will be annoyed.

@Lacey2019 if you were my friend or a member of my family I would never think you were a failure for calling off your wedding. I would never feel that you had let me down. I'd be far more worried that I hadn't noticed you weren't happy and wondering how I could support you.

Call it off. Even if you think people will be annoyed, call it off.

You don't owe your life to others. You don't marry someone you don't want to marry because you don't want to let other people down. It's nothing to do with them, frankly, even if they did help you celebrate. True friends and loved ones will not want you to marry unhappily

My friend's fiancee cancelled their wedding the week before it was due to happen. We'd already had the hen and stag dos.
None of us were annoyed. We all though it was much better to cancel than go through with a wedding they were unsure about. We all rallied round to give support. Your friends will be the same. They care about you not a wedding

I cancelled my wedding three weeks before it was due. I thought everyone would hate me and that I'd be a laughing stock, but I was amazed at just how supportive my friends and family were. You may be surprised too. It was the best decision for me and I have never regretted it.

In your place I would find one friend, or your mum or sister, and talk openly with them.

Good luck

Just to say I got a wedding called off on me and it absolutely broke me. So let’s not minimise to the OP that it’s not a big deal or not such a big deal as divorce.

That said, I’m glad it happened. But it took me about 3 years and meeting “the one” to feel like that.

It’s not such a big deal as divorce. Extrapolating yourself from a legally binding contract is harder than ending a relationship prior to marriage occurring.

Agree @twinkle999 but in a divorce if there are assets to split / a house to sell it can get butt ugly as marriage changes entitlements in law.

Splitting before marriage usually makes it clearer as frankly you leave with what you brought and any pursuit of more would inevitably involve lawyers making the situation as butt ugly as divorce.

Either way, the OP will have to go through the shitness of divvying stuff up regardless and swiftly. Divorcing takes guaranteed time and money. A split can be managed better.

there are still usually assets to split even if you are not married.

Also calling off a wedding relatively unusual whereas divorce is not unusual at all. I was mortified for months.

So I do not agree it far easier than divorce.

Thank you everyone

How are you today, @Lacey2019 ? I hope the weekend is going okay for you. If you were my friend, I’d want you to tell me so that I could take care of everything for you.

I’m sure your friends would 100% support you-I’d be horrified if a friend of mine was in your situation and couldn’t talk to me about it.

A group of my friends pulled me to one side & asked if I was ok. They said they knew i wasn’t right. I feel like I’ve just let everyone down

You have not let anyone down!

Where did this mindset come from?

Have you told these people about you now wanting to call the whole wedding off?. They should be supportive of you, not disparaging.

Why do you think you've let people down? Only two people are invested in any marriage. It doesn't affect your friends in any other way than they will be there to support you.

You will let yourself down if you go through with a wedding that isn't in your heart of hearts, what you want. It would be a lie.

Breaking it off now would be the very kindest and best thing to do - in person. The advice from PP above to get a level-headed friend to help you with a plan to cancel everything, is very good.

Not easier by by far the best thing to do. Best wishes to you, Lacey

Everyone here is so selfless and helpful. I feel so lost