Annoyed about DH earnings... AIBU?

[Leafygreen25]

Okay so I need a rational opinion on this, because it's something I feel awful even saying, but I need to share...

I am happily married, my husband is a dream and my childhood sweetheart. However, I have this awful niggle of resentment about his earnings and ambition.
I am a secondary school teacher, so I earn a modest but fair wage. My husband works in a 'creative' field, and earns 22k a year... Eek...

I feel that I have made sacrifices to be where I am and earn what I do, all in order to better our lives and the lives of our children. However, my husband is unwilling to make a career change or seek any promotion opportunities to contribute to what I see as 'his side of the deal'. (In this job since 22yrsold!)

I feel awful addressing this with him because I don't know if I am out of line and I don't know how to approach this. I just feel that he is being a little naive and holding on to a pipedream of success in his chosen career, but it is at the detriment of our family lifestyle and well-being.
His job is also highly stressful with long hours, so he often comes home tired and P-off, so I don't even feel that we are gaining in regard to well being or work-life balance!

My question is where do I go with this? I hate to be the nagging wife, and I love him flaws and all, but it is a really unattractive quality and I feel like it is putting unfair pressure on me to pick up the financial slack for the sake of our family.

AIBU to expect him to follow in my footsteps of making personal sacrafices to move to a steady job with a fair wage? (Earning 22k was never part of our vision pre-marriage)

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

I should add he is degree educated, intelligent and perfectly capable of a career change to something IT/marketing/digital related .

Sorry but I think YABU. So long as he earns enough to contribute an equal share to household/essential expenses and you're not subsidising him in this regard, you can't have a go at him for not earning more to afford luxuries. Doing a job in a field he is happy in IS a luxury. Not everyone is ambitious or motivated by money or disposable income. I'm one of them! I could earn double but choose not to so that I can remain self employed. Thankfully DH does not have a problem with this and I make enough to pay 50% of essentials. It's up to you if you want to stay with someone who has different motivations.

What is he qualified and experienced enough to do that would earn more? How much more would you want him to earn? Is he happy with the lifestyle you can afford or is he spendy?

Good job you're not married to me! I earn less than 10k a year doing a job I love and will stay in until I retire

But surely you haven't made sacrifices in your choice of career? People aren't teachers unless they really really want to be teachers.

But you want him to do some job he never wanted, in a field he's never worked in and is not particularly qualified for. That's not fair, tbh.

How long has he been in this job for?

If you want more money the first step should be earning more yourself. It’s a bit rich coming from someone who hasn’t bothered to build a high earning career themselves.

Depending on where you live, I don’t think you’re really in any position to complain. 22k with a secondary teacher’s salary isn’t bad at all.

Thanks for the replies.
IT/marketing and communications/digital production.

I would like him to earn 30k+, so that our spending is more 50/50ish.

He is content, but I'm not. But it's me that is mostly funding the lifestyle we have now, as I earn around double what he does. So really, I see it as he is content with it because of what I'M earning.

He doesn't love his current job, he is holding on the the idea that 'it will get better', which is the same rhetoric I've been hearing for a while now

Yanbu. I'd be annoyed too.

There are plenty of degree educated, intelligent people around who cannot get jobs yet alone earn £22k. Degrees are ten-a- penny these days.

Is he happy on his job? If so, you should not want him to move to something he may not be happy in just because you deem him to be in too low a salary for what you planned.

I mean, if you're combined earnings is 60k and you're struggling then maybe you need to look at outgoings first.

it sounds as if he’s grumpy as not pulling his weight at home which is not what I’d expect from a lower earner - that’s what would piss me off

I think in that case you ask him about changing course
Remind him he had give it a couple of decades, and if he has ago somewhere else and see if he is happier, if no look again at somewhere that has a better pay and advancement footpath...
This is all about how you phrase it...
About him not being valued .

I think you are being unreasonable. He earns 22k which is not a bad wage at all.
Your post comes across as quite snobby and materialistic tbh.
Surely if you’re married then the household income is one big pot - you shouldn’t really be criticising him for not adding as much as you do - that’s your choice to have your job and his choice to have his. At least he’s got a job !!

He sounds unambitious which isn't a particularly attractive trait.

I understand where you are coming from. DH earns £25k and I earn in the region of 3 times that (before tax) then he complains about me working long hours/having to work away.

I think YABU, I can see where you're coming from to a degree, for me someone without ambition wouldn't be compatible to me, not financially perse but I probably wouldnt be attracted to someone unambitious. But happiness in a job is paramount and he is contributing. If you want more from life you need to go out and get it, I'm not being funny but teaching isn't exactly a high flying career so how would you feel if he said to you he didn't feel you were doing enough to "contribute"? If he was working part time I'd totally see where you're coming from, but he's working full time I take it? DH and I are very ambitious and have big plans, but they are our own and if I decide to stay where I am now I wouldn't expect for a second for my husband to criticise me for it, and vice versa.

YABU. Just because you’re earning more, why should he have to find a new job to try and match up with your salary?
When my eldest is at primary school, I hope to become a teaching assistant. The salary is on average 12k a year. My DH is on 30k a year plus bonuses. If he told me I shouldn’t pursue a job just because he’d be earning more and therefore paying more, I’d tell him to jog on.

Although just reading your other post about happiness, that is what I would concentrate on and support him on, but money can't be the driving factor I don't think unless he wasn't content with lifestyle. But it may be an impossible task with someone without ambition.

Newly qualified nurses start on just over 22k a year.

I don’t think it’s a great salary for anyone 20 years into a career, if you’ve not grown the financial side then it shrieks that you’re not really well suited to it.

I see where you are coming from but he sounds like he isn't afraid of hard work.
He may eventually make the decision himself to 'go for it'

It's a poor salary if he's been doing the job for 20 yrs!

I can see why you're resentful.

**I should add he is degree educated, intelligent and perfectly capable of a career change to something IT/marketing/digital related .
**

Are you sure about that? He has been in one job, all his life, and made no progression whatsoever. Doesn’t sound the most attractive proposition